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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: Setting Healthy Boundaries
SerJR
♂ 14993
Member # 14993
Target  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healthy personal boundaries are a way to protect and take good care of ourselves. We all have a right and responsibility to protect our dignity and defend ourselves, and those boundaries let others know when their behaviour is not acceptable to us. It is important to assert our self respect and develop a healthy relationship with ourselves.

Setting these boundaries is an integral part of ensuring a healthy dynamic in a personal relationship. It is important to communicate these boundaries without blame to ensure the message is heard but still let them know how their behaviour is affecting us. A simple way to lay out these boundaries is to use a basic structure:

When you – a description of the behaviour that you find unacceptable. You want to make this as specific as possible and not rely on your perception of the behaviour but to be about the actual behaviour itself.

I feel – the impact the behaviour has on you. It is important to not let this define us but rather be an emotionally honest expression of our feelings.

I want – a description of the behaviour that it is you want from the other person.

If you – again a description of the behaviour that we find unacceoptable.

I will – a description of what steps you will take to protect yourself and that boundary if it is violated. Realise that you can only control yourself and not the other person. This part is not a form of punishment or manipulation but a way to protect yourself. The consequence should be realistic and within your power to enforce.

So an unhealthy boundary would be saying “You can’t go out any more”. This is quite visibly an aggressive means of manipulation and control and does nothing to create an environment of mutual respect or emotional connection. It will create an aura of defensiveness and possibly be looked upon as a challenge.

A healthier version would be “When you go out and do not let me know where you are I feel insecure and worry about what you are doing. I want to be with someone who is completely honest and transparent so that I can have complete trust in them. If you do not wish to respect my needs and be a partner in this marriage then realize I will confront your behaviour, voice my concerns, and insist of counseling. Should nothing change, then I shall maintain my dignity and self respect and re-evaluate my desire to stay in this relationship”. A statement such as this asserts your personal power over the situations you will allow yourself to be in. Strong, simple, and dignified.

Not only does the boundary have to be set, but we have to be willing to enforce them. It is not meant to be a threat or form of punishment – it is a consequence of the other person’s behaviour. The only way that we can do this is to judge that our own self worth is more important than the final outcome. Boundaries are a way to take ownership of our personal empowerment and avoid being a victim. They are a vital part of learning to communicate in a direct and honest way.

(This is a summary from http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm)

[This message edited by SerJR at 12:52 PM, December 11th (Thursday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
RedheadTX
19079
Member # 19079
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this! This article really resonated with me. I have a real problem setting boundaries in my relationship. Setting boundaries is difficult enough, but actually defending my boundaries and enforcing consequences seems so Idon'tknow...parenty? Before, I think I would look at boundaries/consequences as a way of getting WH to do what I want him to do or act how I want him to act. It was all about passing the accountability on to him. Obviously, he has to own his choices and be accountable, but I never really understood my part in it. I feel like I am (finally!) getting it and realizing that setting and defending boundaries is all about ME being accountable and taking ownership of my situation. This is such a shift in thinking for me, but it is scary, freeing, liberating for me to give up the idea of trying to control another human being and trying to focus instead on controlling ME and taking myself out of victim mode. No, of course I don't deserve this and I don't think I've ever believed that I deserve this, so why have I spent so many years behaving as though I deserved this?? It's a lot to think about. This article on healthy boundaries was great, thanks for the summary!


Me-BS-33
Him-WH-35 (ihatedrphil)
11 yr old daughter
Countless PA and EA
Most recent Dday-4/08 (9 mo. affair w/OW who didn't know he was married)

11/08 - Found out he is still talking to the previous OW as well as at least three others.
6


Posts: 296 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Houston
FreedomRoad
♀ 13961
Member # 13961
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent post!

To anyone who is struggling with boundaries and would like to do further reading, I recommend Anne Katherine's book "Boundaries: Where You End And I Begin"


Conduct your blooming in the noise and the whip of the whirlwind - Gwendolyn Brooks

Posts: 5286 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: East Coast
Balancing Act
♀ 19047
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you very much for this!

and Redhead - I loved the way you interpreted the need for boundaries! I don't want to be a parent, but when I look at boundaries as me owning my situation it makes a whole lot of sense!

I will refer to this often!


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
JustKeepSwimmig
♀ 19269
Member # 19269
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post! Thank you so much I will read again and again and keep it close in mind when talking to wh. It's all in the wording.

[This message edited by JustKeepSwimmig at 7:58 PM, May 5th (Monday)]


Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Canada
GotToHaveHope
♂ 19188
Member # 19188
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a good post. Thanks, SerJR, you always seem to have helpful information.


D-Day: 4/17/08
Status: Divorced

Posts: 185 | Registered: Apr 2008
Darius
♂ 19418
Member # 19418
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 6th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As someone who has difficulty asking for what I want (and communicating in general) this is great.


BS: 37 (me)
WS: 34 (her)
M: 13 yr.
Daughter: 8 yr.
DDay: 2-24-08 and 3-12-08
Status: Solidly in R

Posts: 109 | Registered: May 2008 | From: San Diego
SerJR
♂ 14993
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
UnbearablySadd
♀ 18150
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GREAT post, thanks! And perfect timing wise for us. Thank you :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ 18449
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ 18449
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
realgood2u
♀ 20940
Member # 20940
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cngsVlG3Z60


Posts: 385 | Registered: Sep 2008
PerpleNerple
♀ 3224
Member # 3224
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"Unconditional love does not mean unconditional crap absorption"
~Oh, what tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive~ Sir Walter Scott

Posts: 1603 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: NOVA
Jodi
♀ 23781
Member # 23781
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, May 25th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank youf for posoting this. we are working on communication and boundaries. I appreciate this post!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: California
UKgirl
♀ 17062
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 11th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3488 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
SourCherryDrops
♂ 25883
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read this and it has given me plenty to think about in how i should go about setting boundaries for my WW.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
punky
♀ 12233
Member # 12233
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, October 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you serjr...

That article was the basis of my personal "drawing my line in the sand".

Good stuff.

JFO's heed this advice! Draw those boundaries early on.


Be a lion, not a mowess...
The Cowardly Lion

Posts: 11296 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: A whole 'nother country
neverendinghurt
♀ 15859
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26044 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
lostsuol
♀ 13706
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

needed a re-read so thought a bump might be good idea

Posts: 814 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lyndee
♀ 22802
Member # 22802
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for Just L.


Me (BS)
Him (WS)
Reconciling

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2009
Topic Posts: 164
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