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User Topic: How much does my BS hurt? ...
HUFI-PUFI
♂ 25460
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was looking and reading (and learning) from the other forums yesterday (a practice that I highly recommend) and ran across this post from Chasingpavements called Things I Wish You Could Understand.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327243

I thought that it was a very beautiful and eloquent post to illustrate the turmoil; confusion and chaos that is the emotional state of affairs for our BSís at this time and place. For those WSís who are further down the road to reconciliation, dealing with these emotions may evoke memories but for a lot of us right now on the Wayward forum, well, we have a lot of newbieís (me included) and perhaps weíre not clear in our heads about the pain that we have caused. Its one thing to read about this in a book, itís a whole other thing to read the personal account of someone who is fighting this each and every day.


Dear H,

I wish you could understand how hard it is to be me sometimes. How torn I can feel on a day where everything seems to be wonderful and perfect between us and some random thing comes up and reminds me that the last time I thought things were just "good" between us... you were fucking around. How I can look at the effort you put into finding a way... any way... to be with her and still feel stung by it. This time last year, I was preparing myself to get a divorce.

I wish you could understand how I can't just sweep that thought away. How, no matter how much I wish I could, I can't help remembering how you came home... how you went through withdrawals and seemed like your world was ending and how guilty I felt for not just letting you go.
I wish you could understand how angry I can get with myself for "fighting" for our M. How these days I wonder if something you have to "fight for" is really worth it... especially when it comes to love... how I question if I should feel comfortable with a relationship that I had to do battle to keep, when love is something that should be freely given.

I wish you could understand when I question how you REALLY feel about me... I'm sorta questioning how I really feel about YOU. Trying to understand what love is, what it means, what it asks for of me... and if I have it in me to give to you that much anymore.

These thoughts aren't personally against you... if we broke up, I would have these thoughts anyway. They are the legacy of your A in me... the question that will always be there, that will always make me wonder if any relationship is worth it...

I wish you could see that all my questioning is really wishing for you to reassure me... that I'm past being able to ask for reassurance anymore because it just feeds the big "you can't really love ME" cycle that begins with... if I have to ask you to reassure me...

I wish you understood that every day I wake up and say, ok, Iím going to stay married today... and every day I wonder if I'm an idiot for choosing to stay.

You're right, you have nothing to hide... you are hiding nothing... and I appreciate that and figure it must be a good feeling for you.

It doesn't take away this deep insecurity though. I know this is the part I have to own, the place where I have to just say "yes" and take the leap into believing that what exists in our day to day relationship is trustworthy... that it's worth believing in... Thatís just so damn hard though.

I wish you could understand that.

And I really wish you could see that if I knew a way out of this hell I find myself in some times, I'd take it. (I really wish that you could see) that when I think about leaving you, it's because I am so tired of the hell... not because I don't love you or because I don't appreciate our family. It's not because you are being cold or bad to me... it's because sometimes YOU are my biggest trigger. Just seeing you, just caring about you, just wanting to be loved by YOU... triggers me. And there are days I would run far and wide to get away from those feelings of fear and of not knowing...

I'm trying to come to peace with knowing for sure that there is NO SAFETY. There will never again really be any safety because I know the concept is false... and it's so damn hard to accept that.

Every day I stay, I'm saying to the universe that I can live with the uncertainty.
Some days, I don't know if I can.

-End-


I want to say THANK YOU to Chasingpavements for letting me post her letter here. I know that reading this today has given me a better understanding as to why sheís the way she is on some days, and different on other days. I hope that it helps other WSís too.

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 6:43 AM, November 24th (Tuesday)]


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3289 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
strongandwomanly
♀ 26046
Member # 26046
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS was deeply affected by this letter. I'm glad you reposted it.


BS - me - 39 WS - 44. (Not So Happy)
OW - my former bf my whole life - 54
A was n '99 - dday was n sept '09
4 kids - DS 17 DDs 15 12 & 10
3 dogs/1 cat/2 ferrets and a heartache. Married 18 years..together 25. I want to believe n R.

Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Texas
Edie
♀ 26133
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for reposting this. I just sent to my husband, thinking it might move him as it did Nancy's husband.

Seems he knows it all already - but then I did make the mistake of sending it to him when his mind was on work. Will I never learn the lessons I thought I had?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5199 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
HUFI-PUFI
♂ 25460
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I received a very nice PM from a BS who wanted to share these words with me. While they asked to remain anonymous, they did agree to add their words to the thread to support the education of the WSís on the need to truly understand the inner turmoil that our BSís experience in the days and months after D-Day. The BS commented that, It is very heartwarming as a BS to see this (thread) posted here.


To my SO.
I think I can understand how hard it must be for a WS to see how much they have hurt their BS, to truly understand this.

I can understand why some WSs apparently work so hard at not seeing this. It must really hurt when finally the realization of how much you have hurt someone else you once cared about really hits home, even if you no longer love them now and how much more it must hurt if you do.
Some BSs have commented that discovering the infidelity of their partner hurt more than rape, and these were people who had endured both.

It hurts because it is someone you trusted and who claimed at the time to be on the team!

I was hurt more than I can express when the woman I loved drove carelessly head-on into everything I cared about ran over our marriage, our sons and family and repeatedly drove over my body and heart by repeated broken NC, lies, false R etc.

It was not only the realization of broken promises and trust, but the fact that the person you felt was your best friend, a champion of the relationship and family unit was actually its enemy and apparently working hard from within to destroy it.

As a BS it takes so much love to decide to give the WS another chance, and it hurts so much more each time that trust is abused.

It is not only the D-day itself that hurts. What has hurt me more is my WS's actions after the discovery of her affairs, her apathy, her continued dishonesty, the drip truth, the deception and manipulation and the repeated breaking of trust.

I am now exhausted by that breaking of trust to the point where I no longer choose to put myself through the pain of believing in her any more. This in itself hurts. I feel that I have now lost one of the most precious and pure things I have ever had, my love for my wife. I feel sad that I have not been strong enough to hold onto it, that I have not been able to hold on long enough to be there for her if and when she returns to the good person she once was.

The behavior of the WS after D-day can in my opinion do as much or possibly more damage as the affair itself because it is done knowingly after the BS has put themselves through so much pain to give their loved WSs another chance.

Your affair hurts us as if you had hit us with a bus and hurts more because we know you saw us and didn't stop. Carrying the affair on, lack of remorse are like reversing and hitting us again and dragging us under because you just don't care enough to stop.

It hurts and it hurts bad because we both know that you are doing it, you can hear us screaming and even then you didn't stop.

What do we want and need to heal from this hurt?

We need you to stop, to care, to help us heal.

We need you to be honest with us and yourself and stop the pain.

We need you to accept responsibility for what you have done.

We need you to feel our pain and care enough to help us.

We need you to feel and show real remorse for what you have done. How can we truly forgive you (something we need to do for ourselves) if you really aren't sorry.

We need a reversal from you.
We need you to re-commit to something you signed out of some time ago, to care again for something you couldn't care less about.

We need to ask you to have the courage to see and understand what you have done, to accept the burden of your own real pain and just for a while or as long as it takes, to put that aside and help us deal with ours.

We need to be what you truly want, not just a fall back option. If we can't have that we need you to be honest enough to tell us and let us go.

After all, for so long we have had to do that for you. We held you and believed in the best in you when you couldn't and when apparently you could see no good in us.
We were there for you to come back home to, we were your safety zone, we were loving and dedicated enough to give you the chances and the trust you did not truly deserve.

All we really ask is that you have the courage and decency to be the best person you can be, accept the gift of our trust, and return to us what we do truly deserve - your honesty, empathy, responsibility and remorse.

This is what we need to heal and to stop the pain.
-end-


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3289 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
figureitout
♀ 23997
Member # 23997
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hufi

Thank you for posting both of these for the WS to read and think over....

The words sometimes say what our BS can not express but feel deeply none the less.


M-35+ yr
Dday 8/09

Posts: 309 | Registered: May 2009
Sentry
♂ 23367
Member # 23367
Sad  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost

I cry a million tears to try to douse the burn, but I just drown in sorrow.

I scream at the top of my lungs to fill the emptiness but they just fade into the hollow.

I plead that this be a horrible dream but my nightmare is unyielding

I muster the courage to rebuild my shattered soul, but the pieces are never ending.

I try to see clearly but my eyes are burned from staring at the pain.

The thirst for peace is overwhelming even as the love of others pours down on me like rain.

I want to seek revenge, but somehow I know all my misery would still be mine alone.

A betrayal of my most loved one, decomposes my soul - I'm just flesh and bone.

I plead with my captor: broken trust, asking her to free me from my prison cell.

She mocks me in my solitary confinement as I rot in my personal hell.

Like an abandoned child I cower in the corner in shear terror, waiting for love to find me.

If her love doesn't ever come to my rescue, am I destined to wander lost for eternity?


Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2009
mourningtheloss
♀ 24917
Member # 24917
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, December 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HUFI- I don't know who PM'd you this but this is EXACTLY how I feel and what I am struggling with currently:

The behavior of the WS after D-day can in my opinion do as much or possibly more damage as the affair itself because it is done knowingly after the BS has put themselves through so much pain to give their loved WSs another chance.

Your affair hurts us as if you had hit us with a bus and hurts more because we know you saw us and didn't stop. Carrying the affair on, lack of remorse are like reversing and hitting us again and dragging us under because you just don't care enough to stop.

I am going to my 1st IC session tonight to deal with my inability to deal with this piece of the puzzle and my inability to stop obsessing about it.

My WH behavior post D-Day was absolutely the most devastating aspect of the affair and may be the one thing I will never forgive him for.

Can R truly be achieved if forgiveness is not granted? I hope so because I just don't see myself ever forgiving him for backing that bus over me for months after his affair.

Only since end of September has he finally shown remorse and his behavior NOW is almost perfect but it is somehow still not enough and I think it is because all the months of damage...it has taken it's toll and it may be irreversible. I hope not, but it might be.


BS: Me, 52
WS: Him 51 - 7mo EA/ 2mo PA
27 years Married
DS 24, DD 15
DD#1: 04/28/09 Found email from OW and demanded NC and was promised
DD#2 05/15/09 - False R, C never stopped
"Lose a Cheater, Gain a LIFE"

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ca
selkiescot
♀ 23777
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, December 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Made me cry! itwas profound and I will send it to my WH and possibly the OW!

[This message edited by drowninginsorrow at 8:26 AM, December 7th (Monday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
wiserinsocal
♂ 18487
Member # 18487
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, December 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HUFI,

Thank you for the post. As a BH I can say it hits home for many (if not all) BS out there.

If I may, I would like to add one more line to the list sent to you from the BS who shared the list of needs with you.

"We need you to put us and our M first in your life"

While the list clearly implies this, sometimes it needs to be said aloud, so that there can be no mistake about it.

Just my 2 cents.

Thank you again and peace to you,
Wiser


"It's the intangibles that are fragile"- WiserinSoCal

"The Main things are the plain things, and the Plain things are the main things" - Alistair Begg

Every one needs to believe in something, or they will fall for anything...


Posts: 1802 | Registered: Mar 2008
looking forward
♀ 25238
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, December 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer your thread title question...
There is, unfortunately, no limit to the pain my BH is enduring.
We have good days and bad days; it is a daily struggle to find inner peace, but, with God's grace and our determination to hold on tighter we will make it through this life-changing catastrophe!


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2862 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Staying afloat?
♀ 25613
Member # 25613
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, December 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pain is undescribable. It is the deepest most painful feeling. Like acid on an open wound. But love and support thru that pain helps lessen it gradually little by little. You may not feel or see the effects of how you are helping, but it does and just like a deep wound, first the continuing damage slows to a stop and then the healing starts. The wound seems to take forever to heal till all of a sudden its almost healed. It will leave a scar, but the wound will heal. A bump or blow to the healed wound may hurt for a while, but that in time will lessen. The important word; time.So hang in there, keep being supportive.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Southwest
why2008
♀ 18378
Member # 18378
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great letter, thanks for posting it.


Me - BS - 46
Him - WS - 44
Two daughters / 10 and 7

Posts: 4074 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Maryland / DC
HUFI-PUFI
♂ 25460
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 21st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was a great post to help us WS's understand the pain that our BS's are experiencing in the aftermath of our affairs.

I use it to remind myself of how much pain my wife feels when she cries at night.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3289 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
dismantled
26887
Member # 26887
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 22nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hufi, thank you so much for posting this. It was all my thoughts and feelings layed out on the screen. I hope my WH comes across this next time he's on here.


Me-BW
Dday: 1-24-08, Two years of false R and Dday after Dday after Dday after Dday ever since...

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
-- Agnes Repplier


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2009
Used Again
♂ 16567
Member # 16567
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting this; I keep learning from things you post here. Wish my wife would search for information about healing. I'm sharing this with her.


My wife has friends in low places.

Posts: 325 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Coastal Georgia
myone and only
♂ 26450
Member # 26450
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the best posts I've read here on SI. You've posted the words we all seem to feel but didn't know how to say. I'll be sure to show my WS. Thank You.


me BS 51
her WS 45
status: R
"Just You And I"
dday 11-28-09

Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2009
crazyforever
9379
Member # 9379
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here. I've been a member here for a long time, unfortunately. Never before have I cried at a post until today. I'm over 5 years out from the first d-day, and one day shy of one year from the second d-day and can honestly say that these letters are how I still feel. Every day is a struggle. Every. Single. Day.


me 39
WH 39
married 13 years, together 19
DS 5
DS 2
they are the light of my life
DD #1 November 6, 2005
DD #2 January 26, 2009
DD#3 March 10, 2009
Reconciling? Divorce? It changes every minute. . .

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From:
mommy0508
♀ 24720
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It feels like I have struggled for so long to put into words how I have been feeling this whole time and here it is.

Thank you so much for re-posting this I am so glad I found it and think my WH will feel the same way.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
shatteredwindow
♂ 27051
Member # 27051
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both of those letters say what I feel. Thanks for posting.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2010
wolfxsol
♂ 26295
Member # 26295
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 25th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know how they managed to put those feelings into words. I never could. I didnt even realize why I act the way I do sometimes. Missing her so much, then when I am with her, so distant. The first one is a good general overall, while the second one I think covers the post-Dday sitch good. Every day is a struggle, but it is getting better. I wish someone would do a WS letter, so I could understand that side better. If there is one, please PM me the link!


BS...staying that way.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Tulsa
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