I received a very nice PM from a BS who wanted to share these words with me. While they asked to remain anonymous, they did agree to add their words to the thread to support the education of the WS’s on the need to truly understand the inner turmoil that our BS’s experience in the days and months after D-Day. The BS commented that, It is very heartwarming as a BS to see this (thread) posted here.
To my SO.
I think I can understand how hard it must be for a WS to see how much they have hurt their BS, to truly understand this.
I can understand why some WSs apparently work so hard at not seeing this. It must really hurt when finally the realization of how much you have hurt someone else you once cared about really hits home, even if you no longer love them now and how much more it must hurt if you do.
Some BSs have commented that discovering the infidelity of their partner hurt more than rape, and these were people who had endured both.
It hurts because it is someone you trusted and who claimed at the time to be on the team!
I was hurt more than I can express when the woman I loved drove carelessly head-on into everything I cared about ran over our marriage, our sons and family and repeatedly drove over my body and heart by repeated broken NC, lies, false R etc.
It was not only the realization of broken promises and trust, but the fact that the person you felt was your best friend, a champion of the relationship and family unit was actually its enemy and apparently working hard from within to destroy it.
As a BS it takes so much love to decide to give the WS another chance, and it hurts so much more each time that trust is abused.
It is not only the D-day itself that hurts. What has hurt me more is my WS's actions after the discovery of her affairs, her apathy, her continued dishonesty, the drip truth, the deception and manipulation and the repeated breaking of trust.
I am now exhausted by that breaking of trust to the point where I no longer choose to put myself through the pain of believing in her any more. This in itself hurts. I feel that I have now lost one of the most precious and pure things I have ever had, my love for my wife. I feel sad that I have not been strong enough to hold onto it, that I have not been able to hold on long enough to be there for her if and when she returns to the good person she once was.
The behavior of the WS after D-day can in my opinion do as much or possibly more damage as the affair itself because it is done knowingly after the BS has put themselves through so much pain to give their loved WSs another chance.
Your affair hurts us as if you had hit us with a bus and hurts more because we know you saw us and didn't stop. Carrying the affair on, lack of remorse are like reversing and hitting us again and dragging us under because you just don't care enough to stop.
It hurts and it hurts bad because we both know that you are doing it, you can hear us screaming and even then you didn't stop.
What do we want and need to heal from this hurt?
We need you to stop, to care, to help us heal.
We need you to be honest with us and yourself and stop the pain.
We need you to accept responsibility for what you have done.
We need you to feel our pain and care enough to help us.
We need you to feel and show real remorse for what you have done. How can we truly forgive you (something we need to do for ourselves) if you really aren't sorry.
We need a reversal from you.
We need you to re-commit to something you signed out of some time ago, to care again for something you couldn't care less about.
We need to ask you to have the courage to see and understand what you have done, to accept the burden of your own real pain and just for a while or as long as it takes, to put that aside and help us deal with ours.
We need to be what you truly want, not just a fall back option. If we can't have that we need you to be honest enough to tell us and let us go.
After all, for so long we have had to do that for you. We held you and believed in the best in you when you couldn't and when apparently you could see no good in us.
We were there for you to come back home to, we were your safety zone, we were loving and dedicated enough to give you the chances and the trust you did not truly deserve.
All we really ask is that you have the courage and decency to be the best person you can be, accept the gift of our trust, and return to us what we do truly deserve - your honesty, empathy, responsibility and remorse.
This is what we need to heal and to stop the pain.
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