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Didn't get a single phone call or text all day - and we usually communicate several times throughout the day. Got home and he was being very short, very obvious that he was mad about last night (I told him I didn't want to be married to him anymore).

Right as he's about to go to bed, he asks me if I want to talk (in a pissy tone). I ask him what there is to talk about...he says 'your plans'. What plans? I don't have any plans, I just know don't want this anymore!

He seriously thinks I have this big plan going on behind his back and probably thinks I am out to screw him like his 1st wife did. Honestly, the only step I have take so far is establishing that this relationship isn't going to work.

But seriously...why is HE mad at ME? I even told him that - "I told you from day one that this is what would happen if you cheated"..his response? "Yeah, but then you said you wanted to try to make this work"....so now what, he's blame-shifting and this is all my fault? Maybe I would try to make it work if you were willing to dish out all the details and man up to what you did.

so now what, he's blame-shifting and this is all my fault?

Yep. He is mad at you because if only you had been a better wife then he would not have cheated and now you want to leave instead of making things right for him and blah blah fuckity blah. You see, he is the real victim here

So that is why he is mad at you, because you are not happily forgetting what he did.

Ignore him while he throws his little fit.

Now... I'm assuming that you had a talk with him outlining what your needs are and what you won't tolerate in the marriage? If you want the marriage to work, you have to offer him a way back in. Moving forward with this assumption...

why is HE mad at ME?

Because you're not enabling his behaviour. You're making it clear that you won't accept a marriage on those terms and instead of doing something about it, he'd rather piss and moan about how he's the victim.

I think that the 180 would be in your interest to help you to disengage from the drama and rebuild your self esteem while sending him the message that he must be responsible for himself.

[This message edited by SerJR at 8:38 PM, December 7th (Monday)]

I think that the 180 would be in your interest to help you to disengage from the drama and rebuild your self esteem.

I think that is part of his pissy attitude - I have been doing the 180 without even trying. I don't show him that I care about what he looks like, if he had a shitty day, etc. My attitude lately has been 'Quit your bitching about stupid crap - you should just be happy you're still married', does that make sense? I'm so sick of his pessimistic attitude that now I just act like I don't care about any of his miniscule problems.

Perhaps it is so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his part in all this.

Some WSs feel that they are entitled to a second chance or can continue their behaviours etc. They got away with it before so why not some more. Then they get mad when you put you foot down and say no more.

I am glad you are standing up for yourself. It is your life and if you can't give him more chances that is your right. I was the same. I knew from the beginning cheating would be a deal breaker. I was even willing to give my ex a chance but when he refused to come clean and get honest I was done. His choices made that happen. Heck my ex is still made at me 6 yrs later. He is remarried and everything.

"I think that is part of his pissy attitude"

Was he a controller in your relationship? Were you the giver? Is it possible that he's lashing out because he fears losing control over you and that you might move on? This sounds like fairly passive-aggressive behaviour. Re-iterate your needs and keep pushing the responsibility for his choices back onto him while you focus on your own. Keep your boundaries clear and defend them.

"Yeah, but then you said you wanted to try to make this work"....so now what, he's blame-shifting and this is all my fault?

What's his definition of 'working on it'? Sweeping it all under the rug and pretending it never happened really isn't going to help any, as you know.

Sounds like he needs to get a clue.

Hang in there, ams. You're doing great!

(((((big big hugs)))))

WH blameshifted the entire 8 months in false R.

He has been gone 7 weeks and is STILL blameshifting! He didn't believe his kids really hate him and didn't want to see him, blamed me for lying about it...even said I must have written their text messages because his boys would NEVER say mean things to him.

Reality slapped moron in the face Saturday when the boys refused to see him in our home - DS11 even came down and said so to his face.

Even DS11 Therapist told him to stop blaming me and being angry at me.

It is called projecting, and it is easier for them to blame us. Your WH doesn't like that you are holding him accountable. I told WH that seeing me was like looking in a mirror to the horrible things he had done, and I swear that is why he left - he couldn't stand it anymore because I stopped taking it and made him accountable.

Don't let him blame you. Do the 180 and figure out how much more crap you want to take.

Are you and he in IC or MC?

You ruined his fantasy of having a wife and a girlfriend. He wants you to sweep it under the rug and go on as if nothing happended. Hold your ground. You are doing the right thing.

I told him I didn't want to be married to him anymore

And that goes against his cake eating indulgence. You were supposed to accept what ever crumbs he gave you and be happy that he was still gracing you with his presence. So now you get his childish temper tantrum.

Stay strong. When a WS gets pissed, it's a sign the BS is doing something right.

[This message edited by Keep It Real at 9:13 AM, December 8th (Tuesday)]

He gets mad at you, because that's easier for him emotionally than being upset with himself and taking responsibility for ruining the marriage. It's what cheaters do. They blame all the marriage problems on their spouse. He has tons of practice doing that.