SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Sandela posted 12/29/2009 18:02 PM

Can anyone recommend a good book on forgiveness that WS and I can read outloud together? He will be working on self-forgiveness while I will be working on forgiving his betrayal.

looking forward posted 12/30/2009 18:41 PM

How Can I Forgive You? The Courage To Forgive, The Freedom Not To
by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.
She is also the author of After The Affair.
excerpt:
The author divides her book into four parts:

Part One ~ Cheap Forgiveness
An Inauthentic Act of Peacekeeping That resolves Nothing
Part Two ~ Refusing To Forgive
A Rigid Response That Keeps You Entombed In Hate
Part Three ~ Acceptance
A Healing Gift to Yourself That Asks Nothing of the Offender
Part Four ~ Genuine Forgiveness
A Healing Transaction, an Intimate Dance

Spring divides the concept of forgiveness into two adaptive options ~ Acceptance and Genuine Forgiveness.
Acceptance is a healing journey you make by yourself, for yourself…Genuine Forgiveness is a healing journey you make with the offender, as you honor his reparative efforts to make amends.

Forgiveness: How To Make Peace With Your Past And Get On With Your Life by R. Sidney B. Simon & Suzanne Simon
excerpt:

What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness is not condoning.
Forgiveness is not absolution.
Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice.
Forgiveness is not a clear-cut, one-time decision.

Forgiveness is a way of reaching out from a bad past and heading out to a more positive future. ~ Marie Balter

What Forgiveness Is
Forgiveness is a by-product of an ongoing healing process.
Forgiveness is an internal process.
Forgiveness is a sign of positive self-esteem.
Forgiveness is letting go of the intense emotions attached to incidents from our past.
Forgiveness is recognizing that we no longer need our grudges and resentments, our hatred and self-pity.
Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish the people who hurt us.
Forgiveness is accepting that nothing we do to punish them will heal us.
Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds.
Forgiveness is moving on.

BH and I have compiled a library of approx. 30 books, but these two have been the most shared and discussed.

Good Luck

[This message edited by looking forward at 6:43 PM, December 30th (Wednesday)]

fairyfriend posted 12/30/2009 19:30 PM

How Can I Forgive You? The Courage To Forgive, The Freedom Not To
by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

I found this book to be absolutely invaluable!

KInUSA posted 12/30/2009 21:57 PM

I was just thinking about this tonight and put the book by Spring in my amazon cart to buy... thanks for the post and thanks for the recommendation.

tooanalytical posted 1/7/2010 17:58 PM

I found Healing is a Choice by Aterburn very helpful.

momnurse4u posted 1/7/2010 21:04 PM

The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman

It will be geared more toward the WS but it was good for both me the BS and my WH. We both each learned alot!!!!

Good luck!

runoverbytruck posted 1/8/2010 09:53 AM

How Can I Forgive You? The Courage To Forgive, The Freedom Not To
by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

Good one. This one gives you permission to just accept it and not necessarily forgive it...helps you move forward even if you can't forgive.

Also Forgive for Good by Fred Luskin is a good read.

TearInYourHand posted 1/12/2010 19:26 PM

I also second the vote for How Can I Forgive You. It was the first (and only) book that xWBF and I read together. Good book.

Sandela posted 1/12/2010 19:40 PM

Thanks for these suggestions. I'll read some of the online reviews, too. I'd especially like one that WH & I can read together that also addresses self-forgiveness, as he needs to release some of his self loathing & self hatred, as well as resentment towards a FOO member who did much early damage.

cdnmommy posted 2/7/2011 16:41 PM

Bumping, because chances are if I am looking for books on forgiveness, someone else is too, and this is buried way, way back. :)

repeatBS326 posted 2/8/2011 07:41 AM

I'm still not @the point of forgiveness for someone who's not remorseful for 2 of the 3 As w/OW, but here are some books I've listened to as audiobooks that help get me closer.

Gary Chapman's Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way

and

Gary Chapman/Jennifer Thomas' The Five Languages of Apology

if you're religious, you might ask your pastor for some Bible passages that might help (or books on the subject). One thing that convinced me to R#3 was the story of the prodigal son, how even though he royally messed up, his father took him back with open arms (showed me that family is still family, no matter how screwed up they are - and fWH is my family and has been for over 20 years).

Have you watched the LMN original movie Amish Grace...it's a story of forgiveness, even though the subject matter is different than infidelity.

And please consider watching Fireproof (starring Kirk Cameron) together...we watched this sometime after D-day#3 & it had me weeping. Or maybe getting the LoveDare book that was written & goes along w/the movie.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 7:41 AM, February 8th (Tuesday)]

Sandela posted 2/13/2011 20:35 PM

Thanks for those additional resources, BS. We did watch Fireproof and also did the Love Dare book together on a weekly rather than daily basis. They were both very healing activities. I haven't seen Amish Grace, but last year I read the book it was based on. I'd picked it up to get my mind off my own troubles and when I discovered it was about forgiveness, it seemed like divine intervention was at hand. Another movie that was helpful was Sex, Lies & Obsession about porn addiction.

After two years or hard work on both our parts, I've come a long way towards forgiving my partner but I still feel the pain of his betrayal.