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When Good People Have Affairs:

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phatchance12 posted 4/25/2010 19:00 PM

Does anyone have any opinions on this book?

Whisperingwillow posted 4/30/2010 12:12 PM

Hi phatchance - I've ordered it and it is on its way, so I'll let you know.

I actually ordered for my WS. I thought I'd have a look at it and then give it to him. It seems more geared to WSs, which is a good thing I think. It might be a bit overwhelming for a WS to read a book which refers to them as cheater or betrayer all the time. Could be why my WS hasn't read a single word from any of the books I bought.

It was shipped from Canada to me in the UK, and seems to be taking a while ...

Have you read it? I browsed a bit online before buying it and it seemed pretty good. One or two reviewers thought it condoned affairs, but I didn't think so from the little I read. Seemed non-judgemental. And I think the writer survived an affair too, which makes a big difference.

phatchance12 posted 4/30/2010 15:31 PM

No, I haven't read it. My husband is reading Not Just Friends and keeps telling me to read it. He was really disappointed when we learned that the author of that book had passed away.
Please let me know what you think of it when you get it.
Thank you very much!

atsenaotie posted 4/30/2010 15:48 PM

We have read it, I hated it. FWW has read some of it and prefers it to others.

Some parts of this book are okay, the types of affairs, how people become involved, and what is involved in healing from an affair.

My problem is with the chapters on how a spouse involved in an affair should determine whether to stay with the marriage partner, or leave the marriage for the affair partner. These chapters presume that the affair partner is thinking clearly and rationally. It has been my experience and the seems to be the experience of many others here on SI that this is simply not the case.

An affair is a fantasy relationship built on conditional love. Any conversation topic or activity that would undermine the fantasy is avoided. Add to this the lies the spouse involved in the affair has told him or herself, and others, to rationalize their involvement in the affair. All combined, there is no way in which the person having an affair can accurately asess which partner they are truly happier with, which partner is the "better" partner, or is meeting their needs.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:49 PM, April 30th (Friday)]

twicedestroyed posted 4/30/2010 18:45 PM

This was the first book WH got and read (because it was at our library) I read the beginning and HATED it...I remember thinking it was almost saying what he did was OK or normal or not a big deal. Now, I didn't read the whole thing, but had to chime in my $.02

Whisperingwillow posted 5/1/2010 03:36 AM

Interesting. I'll read it and get back to you, it still hasn't arrived though, so I might bump this thread from time to time.

phatchance12 posted 5/1/2010 16:16 PM

Yes Whispering, please DO bump this thread after you read it! After atsenaotie & twicedestryoed posted, I'm curious!

alexa071 posted 8/24/2010 04:10 AM

Bump... My WW just ordered this book and a lot of what I have read doesn't sound good. I can't imagine emploring people to keep their A secret... maybe I'm getting bad information?

Anyone read this recently that has an opinion?

Alex CR posted 8/24/2010 06:31 AM

My H told the OW he was a widow which worked the five years he cheated as she was in another country and he saw her only when he traveled there.

When I asked him why the NC letter didn't tell her he was married, he said he wanted to be a good guy and not hurt her. I told him good guys don't cheat and lie and that's what hurts and she deserved to know the whole truth about him so I helped him write her the truth.

It bothered me a lot that I said that to him. My H is a good guy but he's done a rotten really bad thing. So I found this book. I read it first and though I didn't agree with some of it, I felt it helped one understand how a good person could go astray and I gave it him. He read it and did feel a little better about himself but also didn't agree with everything.

We have read many books in the last nine months and are now finishing Not Just Friends.

It's a journey and each book has provided us with morsels we can use in R. I recommend reading this one.

My H is ashamed, embarrassed and uncomfortable with what he did, not just to me and us, but to the OW too. He is a good guy who did bad, but is making things right, so far.

alexa071 posted 8/24/2010 23:27 PM

Thanks Alex CR... I'm on my second time reading "Not just friends" and it's kinda like the encyclopedia of A's. A lot of it doesn't apply to every situation but it is ALL good information.

Do you remember specifically what you didn't agree with about this book?

story to tell posted 3/24/2011 10:50 AM

Here's the link to the TIME article which discusses this book with its author:,8599,1820942,00.html

m334455 posted 3/25/2011 10:18 AM

I loved this book. I especially like the part where she talks about how to figure out if you want to be with your spouse or your AP. I'm a BS, but I used that "test" on myself and since it was a double betrayal I also used it with my perceptions of how I compare to OW.

It's a good read, and rather unique.

Whisperingwillow posted 3/25/2011 12:26 PM

This book finally did arrive, I gave it to WS, and I believe it is under his side of the bed gathering dust.

I have decided to give up buying and /or reading any kind of relationship books; unless WS takes responsibility for his actions of the A and subsequent EAs, shows remorse and goes for IC. Not holding my breath.

I'm glad it was of use to some.

Crazy Daze posted 4/12/2011 15:29 PM

I read this book last year after discovery of A and decided that I didn't want WS to read it. Didn't know how he would rate each relationship and I didn't want to come out short. Fast forward a year; I have now asked WS to read it. I hope that it helps him make a decision so we can move forward - either together or apart.

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