SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

SkeerdButHopeful posted 4/30/2010 11:41 AM

Has anyone read "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work"? My FWH and I are currently reading it and are still on the first chapter. Just wanting some opinions. :)

mel88 posted 4/30/2010 12:01 PM

I did read this but quite a long time ago. I recall thinking it was very good.

The author (Gottman) trains MC's in his particular methods and styles. My IC has done this training. She recommended a Gotttman-trained MC for us if we decide to pursue MC. If you like the book and want to pursue MC in this style, it might be worth looking into.

slowlymending posted 5/1/2010 11:35 AM

It is one of the very good books for M, and is research based.

He(Gottman) and his wife offer weekend intensives for couples. If you go to his website, there is a lot of good information.

I have friends who went and found it very helpful, though they never shared if they were R after infidelity.
I believe you and H do your work together, privately, but they have facilitators to offer support. There is no public sharing, similar to Retrouvaille.

My friends commented that it was well worth the money to find tools to strengthen their M.

manAscending posted 5/1/2010 15:51 PM

I read this book within the last six months. I remember thinking that Gottman came across like "Everything I have to tell you is scientific fact. All you have to do is these seven things, and you'll have a great marriage!" Kinda like a car salesman.

He had some good things to say, and it was the first book my IC handed to me. I ended up reading Hold Me Tight right afterwards and preferred it much more.

manAscending posted 6/17/2010 00:26 AM

bump

silverhopes posted 11/24/2012 23:45 PM

I have started and not finished this book, but I will say overall what I've read has been very helpful. Particularly the part about discovering each others' love maps. It was the first time I can remember actually getting H to talk about our M when I initiated the conversation - I read from the questions, the one about what we were wearing when we met - and he reminisced! He actually remembered what I was wearing! I was so touched! Didn't finish the book, actually got so excited over that conversation that I misplaced the book, but that was very positive. I like the overall positive vibe I'm getting from this book so far.

I find his brief mention of affairs to be insulting, as I often do when an author makes a short note, because affairs are more complicated. But overlooking that, great book so far...

Burchellscoucal posted 12/27/2012 03:41 AM

I was sent this book after activating my EAP (employee assistance program) for help with relationship conflict, etc... And I really like Gottman's approach, and his writing style is good - makes this subject easy to read.

I also found his brief mention of affairs and the emotional insanity that goes with that to be wanting, but for what it does cover, it's very good so far. I've gotten as far as love maps. Currently reading this one solo. Will include the bf soon :) (( After finishing my novel, I just posted about! hehe)).

rachelc posted 12/27/2012 08:31 AM

Gottman also wrote a new one that I'm reading that deal specifically with infidelity: What makes love last.. and it is the best one of his, I think...
His writing about what predicts divorce is based on research. And, it's good information on how to avoid those traits - the 4 horsemen, he calls them...

Issaquah posted 12/27/2012 10:55 AM

Gottman has another one called The Science of Trust which looks at trust (obviously), betrayal, the process of how people rewrite their marital history, and recovery post A. It is pretty clinical heavy, I believe it's written more for the therapist than as a self help book.

PippaPeach6 posted 12/28/2012 11:56 AM

I really liked this book. H's not a big reader, but we attended a local seminar and got a lot out of it. H was a very unfair fighter. The Four Horsemen concept was incredibly helpful for our conflict resolution vs. below-the-belt to-the-death fighting, and for keeping a healthy respect in our relationship.

I'm going to check out Science of Trust, too - thanks, Issa!

ETA: looks like there is a new book, What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal, that is specifically aimed at As. Downloaded.

[This message edited by PippaPeach6 at 12:03 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

Issaquah posted 12/28/2012 13:39 PM

I just looked up "What Makes Love Last". It sounds really awesome and what I read in the desciption it looks like it has the info from Science of Trust but meant as a couples book.

My H was open to reading Gottmans work because Gottman takes more of a science approach with his research (he's not touchy-feely) and that appealed to my H who is in the engineering field.

Missymomma posted 12/29/2012 14:22 PM

We are using this book in marital therapy. It has been very beneficial. It really helped my WH look at his part of our marital discord. The info on affairs, she had us skip. It was not applicable or helpful.

PippaPeach6 posted 1/10/2013 15:51 PM

I just posted this on another thread, but wanted to put it here, too. (and no,I don't get commissions from the Gottmans)

"The book that helped our communication the best was The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. He really addresses communication (i.e., "discussion") issues well. It was a 2X4 for FWH, for sure.

ETA: We also went to a Gottman seminar locally. Dr. John and his Dr. wife were on a video and were talking about ways to communicate/fight fair - and then actually had a fight over something ON THE VIDEO! I mean, a really good in-your-face voices-raised discussion about a serious issue in their real life that would have had FWH and me totally screaming at each other! Then they discussed their fight and talked about the techniques they used and the things they DIDN'T do which would have just accelerated the fight. Mr Pip was (emphasis, "was") a really unfair, snarky bring-up-every-single-thing fighter, er, "discusser." Having the communication boundaries they outlined completely changed the way we address things now. And it also helped to be more open at the same time. We can honestly express what upsets us - and also how to appreciate each other, too. I'm not afraid to walk on eggshells any more in case I start something - what a weight off my shoulders!

And ETA to add, it really also addresses someone who communicates like a "smart ass, callous, piece of shit," too "