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What books helped you the most through infidelity and/or divorce

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luv2swim posted 7/4/2010 15:02 PM

I am an avid reader, so when infidelity suddenly dropped in on my marriage, and stayed, I turned to books hoping to find a path out of the pain and confusion. Here is my list of the most memorable / Helpful:

1)
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
This book was the start of my own healing, and understanding that what I was experiencing was common in infidelity. If I had only one book to recommend to anyone experiencing infidelity, this would be it. *****

2)
Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce
Gabriel Cohen
I heard this author on NPR, and something resonated with me. The book was profoundly instrumental in my healing. And I am not a Buddhist. *****

3)
Getting Divorced Without Ruining Your Life: A Reasoned, Practical Guide to the Legal, Emotional and Financial Ins and Outs of Negotiating a Divorce Settlement
Sam Margulies

Of the MANY books I read on divorce, this one was the most sane. *****

4)
The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat
Elizabeth Landers
A very quick read. Kind of silly, yet it proved to be remarkably accurate. In the past 3 years I have read it several times, and I come away, feeling oddly better, as if what is unfolding in our marriage and divoce is just par for the infidelity para-course. ****

5)
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life by Susan Anderson

Many people on this board have recommended this book. I too found it helpful, though not life changing. ****


6)
Loving What Is: Four Questions that can Change Your Life
By Byron Katie

This book gave me the essential tool set (the four questions and turn around) to stop the looping mind chatter and recognize how much "story" I had about who my husband was. *****

7)
Happily Ever After: Walking with Peace and Courage Through a Year of Divorce
by Kristin Armstrong

The Christian author, was the wife of bike rider Lance Armstrong. Some good daily insights that were, and continue to be helpful to me. ****


Other books I remember as making me laugh (at times):

Little Bitty Lies: A Novel
Mary Kay Andrews

Summer read kind of book, with infidelity as part of the plot. Funny ****

Mennonite in a Little Black Dress: A Memoir of Going Home
by Rhoda Janzen

The authors husband left her... for a man. Funny at times, snarky too. The Mennonite thing adds an interesting twist and is really about moving on. ****

Happens Every Day: An All-Too-True Story
Isabel Gillies

I remember reading this book and thinking too self "umm hmm, same for me, yes, most of us go through this too". *** stars.

[This message edited by luv2swim at 3:03 PM, July 4th (Sunday)]

atsenaotie posted 7/4/2010 15:23 PM

Not Just Friends by Glass, the most comprehensive

Sexual Detours by Holly Hines, really explained the dynamics of the affair, the FOO issues, and convinced me the A was not my fault.

Crucial Conversations, a great book on discussing emotional topics. Written for business, but applies in the M.

Love Languages, crucial to our R, we now understand so much of the mis-understanding of our M.

No More Mr Nice Guy, we both read it.

Revkwd posted 7/4/2010 17:04 PM

Add to the list Private Lies by Frank Pittman. Surprisingly supportive for the BS.

HardenMyHeart posted 7/4/2010 22:16 PM

Here are my recommendations...

For understanding the psychology of infidelity:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Private Lies by Frank Pittman.

Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughan

For rebuilding my marriage:

The Secrets of Happily Married Men by Dr. Scott Haltzman.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

For my spiritual growth and rebuilding:

What Happy People Know by Dan Baker

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:18 PM, July 4th (Sunday)]

Tearsoflove posted 7/5/2010 01:42 AM

Definitely "Not Just Friends". I bought that book four times because I kept loaning it out to people and never getting it back. It was worth it, every time.

dreamlife posted 7/5/2010 06:18 AM

I've read many books as well, but "Don't Call it Love" by Patrick Carnes was *it*. I've bought this same book a few times over, too.

SierraGrace posted 7/5/2010 09:30 AM

Thank you for sharing these! I've alwasy been an avid reader....let's just say the "topic" has changed dramatically!

RiotGrrrl posted 7/6/2010 12:17 PM

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Private Lies by Frank Pittman

Split: A Memoir of Divorce by Suzanne Finnamore

Fiction: Watermelon by Marian Keyes

Helen of Troy posted 7/6/2010 12:25 PM

In the Meantime. This one was reccomended here on SI.
Excellent read!

Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. Warning she is a WS, could be triggery. It wasn't for me.
She was remorseful, marriage ended anyway. It was a lot about how crisis can help us grow. She mentions stories of other people (not infidelity related) who have gone through major crises and made it through.

Still looking for a copy of
The Road Less Traveled made the mistake of buying a used copy of the expanded version with slightly different title and it's not as good.

Why Men Marry B*tches Title is misleading! It is a book more about having good boundaries while dating or in a new relationship, and how to go about that. It is not a book about wife-bashing.

*Thank you for Storms Can't Hurt the Sky rec., that sounds like something I'd be interested in.

**I've read so many self help books, a lot of them were not helpful to me.

Helen of Troy posted 7/6/2010 12:27 PM

More just thought of:
The Four Agreements

A Short Guide to a Happy Life

Red Sox Nation posted 7/9/2010 16:35 PM

I became addicted to Anita Shreve's novels. No bad deed goes unpunished.

In one of her novels she became so pissed off at her protagonist that she simply threw him off a bridge on the final page.

trumanshow posted 7/9/2010 19:32 PM

1. Not Just Friends-the bible

2. You, Him&the Other Woman-very in-depth with stages,feelings, how to break up a triangle

3. The Script-amazingly accurate

4. 5 Love Languages-makes perfect sense

5. Divorce Busting/Divorce Remedy-describes the 180

formerlyteflon posted 7/10/2010 19:47 PM

For realizing I wasn't crazy after all when I discovered his lies: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

For helping me through the grief following separation: How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams, et al

For the manic days following D: Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford

For perfectly summing up the rollercoaster of S and D: Split: A Memoir of Divorce by Suzanne Finnamore

For learning to deal with the carnage of the whole ordeal: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

Traumatic posted 7/12/2010 01:35 AM

For me it was Not Just Friends, and I'm soon going to check out Crazy Time and some of the others mentioned in this topic.

[This message edited by Traumatic at 1:35 AM, July 12th (Monday)]

FatherofFour posted 7/12/2010 06:17 AM

For me, the writings of Steve Hagen and Brad Warner really helped me. Both are Buddhist writers, and helped me to realize that much of the pain I felt was due to the gap between the woman I wished my STBXWW would be and the woman she actually was.

Even now, when I hit a down spot, much of the time it's because I am having expectations of her that are beyond who she is.

Not sure if that actually made sense - I need coffee.

njgal480 posted 7/19/2010 21:42 PM

Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dr. Ortman.
He really understands how traumatic the aftermath of infidelity is...and he has a lot of great advice as to how to get over the trauma....whether you end up reconciling with the WS or divorcing.

cafeaulait posted 8/5/2010 20:46 PM

I'll have to check out "not just friends". Right now Amazon.com is getting rich off WH and myself.

wantmore posted 8/6/2010 14:17 PM

Not Just Friends
Love Must be Tough
When Your Lover is a Liar.

Not helpful: Divorcebusting. How I wish I had never found that website and book.

cd103 posted 8/11/2010 18:47 PM

Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford

Kwills posted 8/11/2010 21:52 PM

FWS here, I found the following two helpful:

Not Just Friends by Glass, the most comprehensive

Sexual Detours by Holly Hein

Adultery: The Forgivable Sin by Bonnie Eaker Weil (good introduction book to FOO issues).

Kwills

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