It really upset me that my own Mother couldn't find 3 things
Yes, that would be disheartening to say the least.
I did so MANY things just so he would love me. I often went against my own better judgement.
I too have done this. I personally feel shame and weakness for those things. But when I stop, and pretend that I am looking at someone else's life then I can see the "turn around" of those things.
Say I let my H spend all our extra money on his car, I never bought myself anything because I put him and his wants first. Well, looking back now, I see that as pathetic, but objectively I see that as a form of being giving.
I have always had empathy for others, always tried to see the good in others, tried to see how/why they did what they did. Some would say I made excuses for them or their actions, but that is not true, I tried to see behind their poor choices/actions to what motivated them.
I never did this for myself though. I always just pounded myself, I was never good enough for myself, I knew my thoughts and I knew where I failed, sure I may have DONE the right thing, but I knew that I did not want to, or I knew how hard it was and how I wanted to stop doing the right thing, so that invalidated the fact that I actually did the right thing in my mind.
Now, I try to give myself the same courtesy I give/gave others.
I see that I did many things to "be loved" to earn love, etc. things I should not have done, things that were not beneficial for me or my H, but I did not KNOW any better, I did not KNOW I had choices, now I do.
So, I would say I am teachable, I am trustworthy, I am loyal, I am open minded (of course there is a limit to open minded, one can only be as open as one is, that is always a work in progress),to name a few, and I approve of all these things.
So, all those things you did/do that you do not approve of, can you do a "turn around" on them and see that you may have veered off course but that your deep down motivation was something you can approve of, or that perhaps with just a little tweaking will be something you approve of?
Hope this helped some and that I really did understand what you were needing. If I did not please let me know.