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"After the Affair" question

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clueless joe posted 2/28/2011 12:58 PM

Had our first session with a new MC last week. She wanted some background on our situation, and I told her that my recovery has been stalled by WW's lack of empathy. While she now finally admits to the ONS with EA that followed, and the two other situations where she lied about her whereabouts and with-whoabouts, she has never shown any will to understand how this has affected me.

The MC quickly told her to read this book, that it may give her some insight into what I have been going through and the real pain of betrayal.

I write this with a bit of caution, as WW is a bit of a narcissist. The idea divorce makes her shake because of what it will do to HER image. She very well may read the book, but also may just absorb what she wants to and avoid what hits her in the face.

Any feedback on your experiences with the book would be appreciated.


Fighting2Survive posted 2/28/2011 16:22 PM

That's the book our MC recommended. I threw it in the trash because I felt it blamed the BS for the WS straying. I flatly refused to read it all the way through.

A better books for her would be "Not Just Friends" since it takes a different approach.

Ms_Strong posted 2/28/2011 17:16 PM

I looked at this book on Amazon and decided not to get it because it places responsibility away from the WS.
My FWH and I have been reading 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass and we both are getting a lot out of it. He doesn't feel he is being blamed so he sympathises with me, and the book has helped me understand why he had an A and how our M led to an A.

BedHead posted 3/1/2011 10:16 AM

We've been sort of reading this book and I also find that it blames the BS, at the same time as it says the BS isn't to blame. We haven't brought it out in quite a while actually.

I think it's recommended by counselors because it's one of the few books that deals with reconciliation rather than separation after an affair.

lost43 posted 3/1/2011 18:09 PM

I read the book and actually liked it, but I suggest only having your ws read the first chapter its the bs response to the affair and I think it would open their eyes a little as to how we feel.

leapyearbaby posted 3/1/2011 23:40 PM

After the Affair was the first book I read after Dday and I never got that it was blaming me. I really got a lot out of it, but my narcissistic H avoided it...but then early on he avoided EVERYTHING....

HardenMyHeart posted 3/6/2011 01:26 AM

I read both Not "Just Friends" and "After the Affair". I thought that "After the Affair" did a decent job of describing the BS's pain; however, overall the book Not "Just Friends" was a far better book and covered more ground.

If you're planning on reconciliation, then I highly recommend you both reading Not "Just Friends".

need2moveon posted 3/21/2011 13:39 PM

Started After the Affair, and like others had said, I couldn't finish it because it seemed to focus too much on what I did to cause this to happen. That could just be because I was so upset at the time, but I have no desire to ever pick it up again.....I threw it in the trash actually. Am currently reading "Not Just Friends" which seems better.

bestbecameworst posted 4/17/2011 16:39 PM

We started "After the Affair" and threw it out - neither of us could relate to it.

We are now reading "Not Just Friends" and the intro and chapter 1 so far only, but so far it's describing our story and making sense to both of us. Far better than quite a few other books we've seen...

klynn posted 4/18/2011 13:02 PM

I am also a fan of "Not Just Friends"...

I have read "After the Affair"...I will have to go back as I did not pick up the blaming on the BS.

I through "When Good People Have Affairs" in the trash immediately as it recommends that the WS NEVER EVER tell the BS of their actions!!! Really????

annb posted 4/18/2011 14:41 PM

IMO, After the Affair blames the BS.

I read just a bit of it, and it landed in the garbage as well.

Not Just Friends is the best by far.

Textbook Case posted 4/18/2011 20:46 PM

I also vote for Not Just Friends. I don't remember much about After the Affair except that I read a few chapters and ripped it to shreds.

Thera77 posted 4/18/2011 23:38 PM

I also didn't really like this book - mostly because it called the AP the 'lover' and it just pissed me off to read that over and over and over again. I thought that gave the AP higher importance than they deserved and made it seem like the BS was just the boring old jerk you did chores with.

But I did like parts of Chapter 6 about Restoring Trust - with the info about the Low Cost and High Cost Behaviors. Creating a similar chart really helped FWH and I as we started R.

Still Not Just Friends was a way better book imho.

ohsolost posted 4/23/2011 09:27 AM

I read 'After the Affair' after DDay ! and didn't feel like I was being blamed. It actually validated what I was going through...I think it would have been a good tool for my xWH to read it so that he could understand my pain because he never got it...

painpaingoaway posted 4/23/2011 13:24 PM

Oh God! I picked it up in the bookstore (ha, I just accidentally typed I 'licked it up'!) briefly flipped though it and in a matter of minutes realized it blamed the BS!

Tell the MC to burn that rag!

"Not Just Friend's" is the book she should be recommending.

momoffive posted 4/23/2011 14:50 PM

Like others, I felt like After the Affair put some of the blame on the BS.

Liked Not Just Friends better. More relatable.

greyfox posted 5/7/2011 14:33 PM

We just started reading "After the Affair" together. Only in the first chapter. But after reading these posts, I ordered "Not Just Friends" from Amazon. But it won't be here for a few days. I'm almost nervous to keep reading ATA, but it has had some good insight so far for my husband to understand where I am at. Looking forward to reading the new book though.

East of Eden posted 5/7/2011 21:38 PM

I bought Surviving Infidelity and my MC gave me After the Affair with the caveat that I shouldn't take ALL it said to heart. I'm still working on Surviving Infidelity and haven't opened the other.

stucknunhappy posted 7/8/2011 02:46 AM

I read this book and did not feel as if it were blaming bs..however some parts of this book are Very aggrivating as they really let you know how ws is feeling and their way of thinking at the time of A. just be sure your ready to hear both sides when you read this book!

stucknunhappy posted 7/8/2011 02:46 AM

I read this book and did not feel as if it were blaming bs..however some parts of this book are Very aggrivating as they really let you know how ws is feeling and their way of thinking at the time of A. just be sure your ready to hear both sides when you read this book!

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