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The Book Club :
"After the Affair" question

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 clueless joe (original poster member #25593) posted at 6:58 PM on Monday, February 28th, 2011

Had our first session with a new MC last week. She wanted some background on our situation, and I told her that my recovery has been stalled by WW's lack of empathy. While she now finally admits to the ONS with EA that followed, and the two other situations where she lied about her whereabouts and with-whoabouts, she has never shown any will to understand how this has affected me.

The MC quickly told her to read this book, that it may give her some insight into what I have been going through and the real pain of betrayal.

I write this with a bit of caution, as WW is a bit of a narcissist. The idea divorce makes her shake because of what it will do to HER image. She very well may read the book, but also may just absorb what she wants to and avoid what hits her in the face.

Any feedback on your experiences with the book would be appreciated.

Thanks,

joe

posts: 96   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2009
id 5104542
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Fighting2Survive ( member #28410) posted at 10:22 PM on Monday, February 28th, 2011

That's the book our MC recommended. I threw it in the trash because I felt it blamed the BS for the WS straying. I flatly refused to read it all the way through.

A better books for her would be "Not Just Friends" since it takes a different approach.

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

posts: 7279   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2010   ·   location: NC
id 5105002
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Ms_Strong ( member #30883) posted at 11:16 PM on Monday, February 28th, 2011

I looked at this book on Amazon and decided not to get it because it places responsibility away from the WS.

My FWH and I have been reading 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass and we both are getting a lot out of it. He doesn't feel he is being blamed so he sympathises with me, and the book has helped me understand why he had an A and how our M led to an A.

Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

posts: 324   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2011
id 5105085
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BedHead ( member #29726) posted at 4:16 PM on Tuesday, March 1st, 2011

We've been sort of reading this book and I also find that it blames the BS, at the same time as it says the BS isn't to blame. We haven't brought it out in quite a while actually.

I think it's recommended by counselors because it's one of the few books that deals with reconciliation rather than separation after an affair.

March 13, 2010: D Day #1
Nov 6, 2010: D Day #2

posts: 160   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2010   ·   location: Edmonton AB
id 5106247
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lost43 ( member #30828) posted at 12:09 AM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

I read the book and actually liked it, but I suggest only having your ws read the first chapter its the bs response to the affair and I think it would open their eyes a little as to how we feel.

ME-BS 34
Jackass 32
Married 4.5 years
2 wonderful kids 12 and 3
been together off and on for 13 years.
I know my heart will never be the same..but I"m telling myself I'll be ok..Even on my weakest days..I get a little bit stronger-Sara

posts: 66   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 5107548
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leapyearbaby ( member #24902) posted at 5:40 AM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

After the Affair was the first book I read after Dday and I never got that it was blaming me. I really got a lot out of it, but my narcissistic H avoided it...but then early on he avoided EVERYTHING....

me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....

posts: 1378   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2009   ·   location: Colorado
id 5108093
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HardenMyHeart ( member #15902) posted at 7:26 AM on Sunday, March 6th, 2011

I read both Not "Just Friends" and "After the Affair". I thought that "After the Affair" did a decent job of describing the BS's pain; however, overall the book Not "Just Friends" was a far better book and covered more ground.

If you're planning on reconciliation, then I highly recommend you both reading Not "Just Friends".

Me: BH, Her: WW, Married 40 years, Reconciled

posts: 7038   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2007
id 5116157
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need2moveon ( member #31551) posted at 7:39 PM on Monday, March 21st, 2011

Started After the Affair, and like others had said, I couldn't finish it because it seemed to focus too much on what I did to cause this to happen. That could just be because I was so upset at the time, but I have no desire to ever pick it up again.....I threw it in the trash actually. Am currently reading "Not Just Friends" which seems better.

Dday: 06/97

Doing better for about 7 solid years.

Reconciled for 20 years....

posts: 184   ·   registered: Mar. 18th, 2011
id 5142125
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bestbecameworst ( member #31507) posted at 10:39 PM on Sunday, April 17th, 2011

We started "After the Affair" and threw it out - neither of us could relate to it.

We are now reading "Not Just Friends" and the intro and chapter 1 so far only, but so far it's describing our story and making sense to both of us. Far better than quite a few other books we've seen...

Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

posts: 599   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2011
id 5191827
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klynn ( member #31825) posted at 7:02 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2011

I am also a fan of "Not Just Friends"...

I have read "After the Affair"...I will have to go back as I did not pick up the blaming on the BS.

I through "When Good People Have Affairs" in the trash immediately as it recommends that the WS NEVER EVER tell the BS of their actions!!! Really????

Klynn
Me: BW (36)
Him: WH (37)
Married 10 years Together 13 years
2 children 8, 5
D-Day 11.29.10
Trying to R

posts: 112   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2011   ·   location: Michigan
id 5193296
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:41 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2011

IMO, After the Affair blames the BS.

I read just a bit of it, and it landed in the garbage as well.

Not Just Friends is the best by far.

posts: 12239   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 5193561
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Textbook Case ( member #24977) posted at 2:46 AM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2011

I also vote for Not Just Friends. I don't remember much about After the Affair except that I read a few chapters and ripped it to shreds.

BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

posts: 2735   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2009
id 5194164
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Thera77 ( member #28841) posted at 5:38 AM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2011

I also didn't really like this book - mostly because it called the AP the 'lover' and it just pissed me off to read that over and over and over again. I thought that gave the AP higher importance than they deserved and made it seem like the BS was just the boring old jerk you did chores with.

But I did like parts of Chapter 6 about Restoring Trust - with the info about the Low Cost and High Cost Behaviors. Creating a similar chart really helped FWH and I as we started R.

Still Not Just Friends was a way better book imho.

Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

posts: 476   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: my front porch you can see the sea
id 5194346
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ohsolost ( member #10330) posted at 3:27 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2011

I read 'After the Affair' after DDay ! and didn't feel like I was being blamed. It actually validated what I was going through...I think it would have been a good tool for my xWH to read it so that he could understand my pain because he never got it...

BS-me 41 WH-him 45
Married 20 yrs, together 22 yrs
3 beautiful kids 16, 13, 9
DDay 4/5/06
DDay#2 12/3/07(OW#2)
Filed D 6/1/09
D final 11/3/09
9/10/11 Dating and enjoying life
4/7/12 Been with Fireman 7 months and going strong :~)

posts: 2861   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2006   ·   location: Idaho
id 5203264
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painpaingoaway ( member #27196) posted at 7:24 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2011

Oh God! I picked it up in the bookstore (ha, I just accidentally typed I 'licked it up'!) briefly flipped though it and in a matter of minutes realized it blamed the BS!

Tell the MC to burn that rag!

"Not Just Friend's" is the book she should be recommending.


D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

posts: 7192   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2010   ·   location: Coastal South
id 5203545
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momoffive ( member #27352) posted at 8:50 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2011

Like others, I felt like After the Affair put some of the blame on the BS.

Liked Not Just Friends better. More relatable.

BW 46, SAWH 47(sorry1),M27 yrs
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4, Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA in 2001 OW1, kissing in 2007 OW2
Dday6 7/11/16 EA OW6

posts: 1130   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 5203623
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greyfox ( new member #32070) posted at 8:33 PM on Saturday, May 7th, 2011

We just started reading "After the Affair" together. Only in the first chapter. But after reading these posts, I ordered "Not Just Friends" from Amazon. But it won't be here for a few days. I'm almost nervous to keep reading ATA, but it has had some good insight so far for my husband to understand where I am at. Looking forward to reading the new book though.

Me/BS:43
FWH:42
Married:19 years
Children: G18/B13
Dday April 29th 2008

posts: 28   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2011
id 5226576
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East of Eden ( member #31763) posted at 3:38 AM on Sunday, May 8th, 2011

I bought Surviving Infidelity and my MC gave me After the Affair with the caveat that I shouldn't take ALL it said to heart. I'm still working on Surviving Infidelity and haven't opened the other.

BW- Me (35) WH- Him (35)
DD-4 DS-2
D-day #1 3/13/2011
D-day #2 5/2/2011
D-day #3 6/10/2011
Status: REALLY pissed off....

posts: 281   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2011
id 5226991
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stucknunhappy ( member #30440) posted at 8:46 AM on Friday, July 8th, 2011

I read this book and did not feel as if it were blaming bs..however some parts of this book are Very aggrivating as they really let you know how ws is feeling and their way of thinking at the time of A. just be sure your ready to hear both sides when you read this book!

me bs - him wh - dd 9/29/09 my birthday- 8 year ea - tt to 11/6/09 -married 18 years - boy twins & girl twins all teens

posts: 74   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2010
id 5326863
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stucknunhappy ( member #30440) posted at 8:46 AM on Friday, July 8th, 2011

I read this book and did not feel as if it were blaming bs..however some parts of this book are Very aggrivating as they really let you know how ws is feeling and their way of thinking at the time of A. just be sure your ready to hear both sides when you read this book!

me bs - him wh - dd 9/29/09 my birthday- 8 year ea - tt to 11/6/09 -married 18 years - boy twins & girl twins all teens

posts: 74   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2010
id 5326864
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