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Newest Member: Thranduilion (61515)

User Topic: Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder, by Dennis Ortman
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw a reference to this in one of the other fora, but I can't find the ref now. I bought this book, and I have few comments.

First, I'm ADD without much medication, and this isn't the easiest read on infidelity, so if you disagree with anything I say about the book, please contribute.

Second, Ortman is a former Catholic priest, so he talks a lot in Christian terms, but he also brings in concepts from Buddhism and Native American thought & sprituality.

Cons: Ortman seems to say that the BS is likely to be co-dependant and to bear some responsibility for the A.

Also, on page 37 he states that women are good at handling feelings, while men just deal with problems.

None of these positions are well supported by what I see on SI or by what I experience myself: 1) BSes don't cause infidelity; 2) I haven't seen a lot of co-dependancy; 3) I have seen a significant number of men who handle their feelings as well as women do.

Pros: The trauma metaphor makes sense for infidelity, as far as I can tell. Ortman's model for recovery makes sense. His inclusion of Buddhist and Native American thought adds useful perspectives; by illustrating his points this way, the reader has a higher probability of getting something from the book. More important, in each section he offers exercises to help reduce the trauma, and I've found some of them useful.

Bottom line: If the classics (Not 'Just Friends', etc.) don't help you or don't help you enough, this might.

[This message edited by sisoon at 7:20 PM, March 26th (Saturday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16807 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read this book at least twice as I was diagnosed with PTSD.

While it has been awhile since I read it, what I thought was extremely useful was comparing the trauma of infidelity with other traumas i.e. wartime, rape, severe car accident. The emotional devastation is real and goes as deep as the other life traumas mentioned. It can take years to recover from infidelity

I read this book along with Not Just Friends, and I highly recommend both of them.

Posts: 9788 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
♀ 19024
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, March 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just ordered this book from Amazon.. should be here tomorrow I can't wait to read it

"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4874 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
♀ 21154
Member # 21154
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, March 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have this book and read through it several times. It helps to re-read as you go through the stages of healing as you are never in the same place.

I do not and will not accept any co-dependancy or responsibility for my H's A: IT WAS ALL HIS.

My biggest problem with my PTSD was abandonment issues (Lots of childhood issues came first). I was abandoned by the one person (H) I finally opened myself up to and fully trusted-big mistake!

I now know I need to make "me" the person I lean on/turn to first.

It's a good book though. I recommend it.

Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him

Status: Struggling Everday to

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France

Posts: 2184 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New Jersey
♀ 24902
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the irritated me right off. I felt it was very limiting...he would give 3 examples for each chapter and I never felt like I fit any of his examples. I did finish it b/c I rarely don't finish a book, but was hugely dissatisfied and gave it away immediately...

me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....

Posts: 1378 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
♂ 30537
Member # 30537
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the topic. I read this book last week and I really enjoyed it.

While I am a co-dependant to the tee, I bear no responsiblity for my W's A. That said, I feel that I am responsible for 50% of the factors of our marriage that led up to the A. We were both miserable to each other. While her A was the most selfish act one could ever do, our marriage was in bad shape. What she did was selfish...period. I wouldn't have ever done it. But I needed to at least acknowledge how I was pre-A.

The book helped me a lot with not only understanding the trauma of it all, but also with what it means to forgive and recover.

I agree with you about the whole feeling thing between genders. I'm a man who has been flooded with more feelings and emotions that I thought were even possible.

I thought his exercises were pretty good as well. Very consistent from chapter to chapter.

I wasn't bothered by the religious tone of the book even though I am not a very religious person.

Bottom line, it's a good book and an easy read. I read it in about two days.

BS (me)- 44
WW - 42
PA - 10/2004 - 11/2004
EA - 10/2004 - 11/2010 (6 yrs)
DD - 11/25/2010. Nice Thankgiving present.
Together 22 years, married 15 years
2 kids - 10, 8


Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: from the D
♀ 18310
Member # 18310
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to order this. I would like to read this too. Thank you for posting about it.


Him- FWH

Posts: 1133 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: USA
♀ 20125
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got the book, pretty good read and helpful so far.

It helps clarify my feelings, although my IC keeps referring to my reactions as "trauma" or "survival" response, I somehow always dismissed it. However, reading this book helps me understand I AM traumatized by infidelity.

Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron

Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 8

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