SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Any thoughts on this one SI'ers?

Thank you!

I read one of her books but I'm not sure it was that one. I remember that I just couldn't get into what she was saying. She has this thing she writes about, called "turning it around" and I thought the whole concept was whacked.

I know a psychotherapist who swears by her work. But, I really don't get it and to some degree, I thought some of what she says we should do as we deal with our feelings seemed downright cruel and harmful.

Thanks for this hurttinky.

I've read through a number of the reviews on Amazon and certainly did see some stating similar thoughts as you did.

I also recall when I was involved with a group my IC was running, she did a similar exercise with us and I totally didn't get it, didn't understand it and also thought it was downright bizarre trying to "turn it around" as if what someone perpetrated on us was our fault in a sense?! The rest of what she had us do and share with the group was wonderful but this never made any sense to me.

I think I'll pass on this one!

Thanks!

I have a friend who uses the "turn it around" approach with a lot of problems. She tried using it on me during D-day week, and it seriously damaged our friendship. A year out, I still have residual anger lingering about that episode. Some of the questions she asked were, "Why shouldn't FWH text another woman?" "Why does his relationship with OW cause you pain?"

I came very close to whacking her upside the head.

I'm all for owning my part in my problems, but I will never accept that my pain from the A was optional, i.e. caused by my inability to control my thoughts.

If you want a better (and more sane) option for reading, try Harriet Lerner's "Fear and Other Uninvited Guests."

Thanks for the recommendation. I actually looked that book up on a paperback swap I'm a member of and as it turns out it is now called The Dance of Fear. I happen to have every one of her "Dance of" books but that one! I put it on my wish list!!

The Dance of Fear is a different book. Her original book is The Dance of Anger (another great read).

I think the "turning it around" thing is a gimmick that she puts out there as something valuable, just so she can write about it and make money.

It really is a damaging concept to folks who have understandable pain and trauma.

I have the CD set and I enjoy it. A bit repetitive but I really enjoy her message and honesty.

I've read Byron Katie's "Loving What Is" and the one about seeking love, friendship, etc.

Both are good and The Work is all about "Inquiry". The idea is to accept reality.

ie:

Statement: My husband shouldn't have had an affair

Question: Do you know that he shouldn't have for 100% sure?

Answer: No. I don't.

Question: What did he do?

Answer: He had an affair.

Message: Be a lover of reality. He DID have the A. therefore he SHOULD have.

Does it hurt? yes.

But the sooner you realize that it has happened and the only one allowing to continue is YOU.

I found it to be valuable because the "negative story" we tell is the worst part. It prevents healing.

I appreciate the input on both sides of this! I actually had already ordered the book from the paperbackswap before posting and it has arrived so I will check it out and see what I come up with!

Byron Katie's approach appears to be 180 degrees out of phase with the R process advocated by SI, but like so many things in life, sometimes opposites have more in common than anything in between.

In my case, my FWW was too emotionally detached to be nearly as much help to my healing as I needed to finish the job. After a great deal of frustration (35 years since her A!) I finally turned to "Loving What Is".

I hated that book so much at first I wanted to set fire to it and flush it down the toilet. But bit by bit I came to accept that if my FWW wouldn't do what was needed, but I still loved her and wanted to get over it, then I had to.

SI works, BK works. In my case, they worked together to heal me in ways that I don't think either one could have alone. In some cases, opposites really to attract.

My husband exited our long term marriage suddenly, and with another women by his side. This had me in a lot of pain and a very confused state of mind. The key to my emerging from this suffering was learning the tools of self inquiry that Byron Katie describes in the book LOVING WHAT IS.

In the book Byron Katie writes a bit about her own experiences, and then she explains what this inquiry method she calls "The Work" is. She then gives examples of people using this method. It was somewhat easy to grasp the basics of what she was saying, but actually doing her method of self inquiry and questioning turned out to be hard work. At least for me.

Essentially, "The Work" is about questioning stressful concepts and thoughts. The Work is actually nothing more than 4 simple questions (and some sub-questions as appropriate), and then something referred to as "the turn-around". The turn-around is helpful for opening a closed mind to considering the opposite of the original concept also being true, or perhaps even more true. I found this to be very effective for shifting my own attitude that I was the victim of my husband and OW. It helped me to accept the possibility that NOT being married to a man that was as my husband was now, might actually be a good thing for me.

There is no dogma in the Byron Katie stuff. There is no cult. Assuredly, "The Work" does NOT in anyway attempt to tell people what they should or should not do, think, feel, believe or experience. There is no membership, no joining-up, no meetings. If people are so inclined, they can go to the presentations, or do something called "The School for The Work", and learn more about how to do the self inquiry. Or get help doing it. But honestly, I think everything is in her books. Especially Loving What Is, and another entitled "I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead".

The Work, and the book LOVING WHAT IS, is just a toolkit and examples of the toolkit in use.

I want to be clear here, each person does his/her own work. It is internal work. It is about finding the truth/wisdom inside of you. There are worksheets that are helpful. One is called Judge-Your-Neighbor, which for me, was needed. After D-day and for months after with my mate doing the gas-lighting, projection, and mirroring stuff, I hardly knew what end was up! So, these worksheets really helped to identify the concepts I held, that were causing me to suffer so much.

Byron Katie suggests you do The Work on stressful concepts/judgements of others, but only if you want to stop suffering in your own life. She points out that you probably want to keep those beliefs that bring you bliss. And she is always reminding people to stay in their business. It is all about you. You can not do the work for another person. But you can do the work on your concepts, and beliefs about other people.

To comprehend the value of her method, as well as understand how it can work, it is useful to pull up some of the videos of Byron Katie doing the inquiry (The Work) with another person. When I watched some of the videos there were a lot of AH HA! moments. And too, there was a lot of sanity.

So, I would recommend watching a few of the online videos first, (Google "The Work") and then read LOVING WHAT IS.

I did a lot of the Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheets (in the book, but also online) on my husband, and on the OW. This is a good YouTube on this worksheet: http://www.thework.com/watch.php?cat=watch&yid=Z_Rm_ko9ybU

All of this was very helpful for pulling me out of that muck and mire place that many of us get stuck in, after D-day.

Anyway.. for me, the Byron Katie Work, has been one of the really good things that came out of the infidelity.

[This message edited by luv2swim at 4:34 PM, February 11th (Monday)]