My husband exited our long term marriage suddenly, and with another women by his side. This had me in a lot of pain and a very confused state of mind. The key to my emerging from this suffering was learning the tools of self inquiry that Byron Katie describes in the book LOVING WHAT IS.
In the book Byron Katie writes a bit about her own experiences, and then she explains what this inquiry method she calls "The Work" is. She then gives examples of people using this method. It was somewhat easy to grasp the basics of what she was saying, but actually doing her method of self inquiry and questioning turned out to be hard work. At least for me.
Essentially, "The Work" is about questioning stressful concepts and thoughts. The Work is actually nothing more than 4 simple questions (and some sub-questions as appropriate), and then something referred to as "the turn-around". The turn-around is helpful for opening a closed mind to considering the opposite of the original concept also being true, or perhaps even more true. I found this to be very effective for shifting my own attitude that I was the victim of my husband and OW. It helped me to accept the possibility that NOT being married to a man that was as my husband was now, might actually be a good thing for me.
There is no dogma in the Byron Katie stuff. There is no cult. Assuredly, "The Work" does NOT in anyway attempt to tell people what they should or should not do, think, feel, believe or experience. There is no membership, no joining-up, no meetings. If people are so inclined, they can go to the presentations, or do something called "The School for The Work", and learn more about how to do the self inquiry. Or get help doing it. But honestly, I think everything is in her books. Especially Loving What Is, and another entitled "I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead".
The Work, and the book LOVING WHAT IS, is just a toolkit and examples of the toolkit in use.
I want to be clear here, each person does his/her own work. It is internal work. It is about finding the truth/wisdom inside of you. There are worksheets that are helpful. One is called Judge-Your-Neighbor, which for me, was needed. After D-day and for months after with my mate doing the gas-lighting, projection, and mirroring stuff, I hardly knew what end was up! So, these worksheets really helped to identify the concepts I held, that were causing me to suffer so much.
Byron Katie suggests you do The Work on stressful concepts/judgements of others, but only if you want to stop suffering in your own life. She points out that you probably want to keep those beliefs that bring you bliss. And she is always reminding people to stay in their business. It is all about you. You can not do the work for another person. But you can do the work on your concepts, and beliefs about other people.
To comprehend the value of her method, as well as understand how it can work, it is useful to pull up some of the videos of Byron Katie doing the inquiry (The Work) with another person. When I watched some of the videos there were a lot of AH HA! moments. And too, there was a lot of sanity.
So, I would recommend watching a few of the online videos first, (Google "The Work") and then read LOVING WHAT IS.
I did a lot of the Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheets (in the book, but also online) on my husband, and on the OW. This is a good YouTube on this worksheet: http://www.thework.com/watch.php?cat=watch&yid=Z_Rm_ko9ybU
All of this was very helpful for pulling me out of that muck and mire place that many of us get stuck in, after D-day.
Anyway.. for me, the Byron Katie Work, has been one of the really good things that came out of the infidelity.
[This message edited by luv2swim at 4:34 PM, February 11th (Monday)]
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).