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Help your spouse heal from your affair

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jlbado80 posted 7/31/2011 20:04 PM

Has anyone read this book? I ordered it on Amazon and I hope that it comes in soon, but I also hope that it provides me more insight on exactly how much I have hurt my BH! Thanks!

yme00 posted 8/6/2011 03:44 AM

I posted a question about this book in another forum. If you have recieved your book and read it please let me know how you like it.

painpaingoaway posted 8/6/2011 04:05 AM

It is an EXCELLENT book! The BEST of any I have read. It is a very SHORT book that can be read in a few hours, but covers all the bases, and reads like a SI member might have written it.

After that, I would recommend "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

But if you think you may have trouble getting your WS to read...definitely go for the McDonald book first. My WH loved the Linda McDonald book, and said that it "explained" to him why I felt the way I felt, and that until he had read it, he just thought I was "weird" for feeling the way I felt.


painpaingoaway posted 8/6/2011 04:07 AM

Oh, and I forgot to mention, any other book, other than the two mentioned above, are absolute CRAP as far as I am concerned, and always blame the spouse for the A. (At least the ones I have read, or skimmed through have)!

yme00 posted 8/6/2011 12:47 PM

Thanks! I enjoyed Not just friends as well. I am going to order this other book asap.

Myheartstillhurt posted 8/7/2011 09:55 AM

My WH is half way through this book. He could have read it all in one night, but got tired and put it down. He said there was nothing in it so far that he disagreed with. I am thinking about reading it also.

DO NOT READ Torn Asunder.

I wanted a good christian book and our MC even suggested this book. Once that dunce of an author wrote that *I* as the BW had to own up to my share of what caused my husband to stray, that was the END of that book.

My WH wanted to hold strong to those words, but we eventually got to a place where he no longer agreed with this. This book helps the WS justify their affair in some sense.

Since life is SO MUCH BETTER (not) since dday... I have pointed out to WH many a times that life is WAY worse than it ever was when he thought he was "unhappy".

He 100% agrees.

Sorry this post was supposed to be about this book. Anyway, seems highly recommended.

August78 posted 8/9/2011 17:20 PM

I agree that torn asunder was not a good book to start out with. Maybe years after, I could disconnect myself enough from the pain to look at this so clinically, but I bought it a week after d-day and threw it in the trash almost instantly.
MyHeart...what is that link?! talk about taking a mind movie to a different level lol

Myheartstillhurt posted 8/9/2011 19:42 PM

August: You like that movie?? Its based on a true story

I was totally engulfed in torn asunder until that part came. My MC (who I thought was God at the moment) recommended it... and so it was mine and WH's bible. We read it together as a matter of fact. THEN came the blame part.. I was so pissed. And WH grasped onto it like it was a huge knot at the end of a rope. He was all about that... for a minute.

Mamato3 posted 8/9/2011 20:46 PM

Oh, this book sounds good! We're working through some Patrick Carnes books right now (he's an SA expert), but this sounds like something we'd both appreciate.

And I'm so glad to hear the warning about the "Torn Asunder" book -- thinking that would NOT be very helpful to either one of us.

glastron posted 8/10/2011 16:38 PM

I have the book and read it. I thought it was very good and to the point about what the BS needs and what the WS needs to get. I gave it to my WH (separated for 10 months now). He said he read it and it P**** him off. Obviously he has no remorse.

jlbado80 posted 8/10/2011 21:06 PM

Finally received my book today...About to go and read the book and hoping that it will give me a real look into what my BH is feeling, since he is choosing to close me off at this point! It's a very short book, must be short and to the point!!

silverhopes posted 11/24/2012 22:30 PM

"How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" is the best book for the WS I have ever read. imho it's a LOT better than "Not Just Friends". I think it should be required reading for every WS.

SadFlower posted 12/6/2012 13:40 PM

I think this is an excellent book. It is blunt, no-nonsense, and full of good advice--and as others have mentioned, a short read. It was helpful to me in knowing how to approach my WH (I read it before our Big Talk), and I think it has been helpful to him as well (so far, he seems to be following all the suggestions). There is none of this blame-the-BS stuff, either. Thumbs up.

Clarrissa posted 12/8/2012 08:24 AM

Read this book myself. I highly recommend it to any WS who wants to understand.

As others have said, it's short and to the point. THIS is what you did, THIS is how your BS feels, THIS is what you need to do to fix it.

I didn't read the other books usually recommended on here because (from the length) I felt the author(s) would be trying to psychoanalyze me. My H bought most of the books recommended not long after Dday. When we got How To Heal Your Spouse I'd already "gotten it" and was working to find my why. I read it anyway just to see if I HAD actually gotten it and was on the right path.

Trusttrusttrust posted 12/17/2012 15:14 PM

We have both read this book. It is well done. I actually went through it last night and highlighted what was particularly important for my H to read. I also bought him the Not Just Friends book. I am reading it now and I will also be highlighting that one. I can only say this whole thing is so dang hard.

TryingToBeKind posted 1/7/2013 10:53 AM

"Help your spouse heal from your affair" is great, but seems to assume that the marriage must be saved at all costs. It also asks for commitments from the WS that may be insincere if offered right away. It takes a while, typically, for the WS just to "get" what they've done, and to understand that, almost no matter what the partner did or did not do, an affair is not an optimal response.

The book also doesn't fully reckon with the fact that the hurt spouse needs to understand what happened enough to have a sense of whether it could all happen again. That requires getting into the mind of the WS a bit, and doing that, for better or worse, requires some self examination and an understanding of the conditions that preceded the affair. And that means being willing to acknowledge some mistakes and wrongs. This book tends to put everything on the WS.

Having said that, I'd just note that the books stance is a useful tool for a WS in the sense that they are often so out to lunch, so unwilling to see the depth of the hurt they have caused, and/or so convinced that the marital relationship was so bad that the affair was totally justifiable, that they have trouble empathizing and/or even talking about the affair in a way that explores how they could have done better (and how an affair was not the only way). Anyway, this book acts like a blunt object - not as blunt an object as an affair, but blunt enough to help a willing WS stop for a moment and think, and maybe, possibly "get it."

I found the book very useful, but I told my WS that although I didn't agree with the seeming philosophy behind it, most things said in the book (e.g., about how to make me feel safer) are right on target, as if the author could read my mind.

The beautiful thing about this book is that it communicates simply and elegantly how deeply the WS has violated vows and trust, and how huge an effort it will take to repair those wounds. Most everything else I've read equivocates and makes me feel responsible for a choice that was made by someone else - or even obscures the fact that there was a choice. I believe your WS must get past all the history and mistakes you made, and understand that they made an incredibly damaging, trust-destroying choice, at least if they are committed to the process of reconciliation and healing. This book makes that fact very clear. It should be read both separately and together, with tears and affirmation that it speaks the truth about how you feel.

If your WS still doesn't "get it" after you go through this book (which I wouldn't recommend until a couple of months after D-Day), then you may legitimately question whether he or she ever will.

stillstrong posted 1/17/2013 01:54 AM

We've been S for 3 1/2 mos. STBX read a chapter or 2 the other day and started sobbing. I haven't seen him cry in over 20 years.
I'd say it's a good book.

heforgotme posted 2/15/2013 08:15 AM

This book it fabulous and easy to read!

HowToLiveWithIt posted 5/4/2014 15:19 PM

In my case this book seemed to be a savior. I got it as an audiobook and suggested it to my WW, no response first.

Then we had another TALK, when she tried to punish me for asking too many questions, by answering them with probbaly too much honesty and no remorse. Telling me things like, i"f only OM was younger I would leave you, and listingnall his great features. I was quite crushed, and let her know this .. With not much hope.

Then, she listened to this book and in her, and book words "she got It". We will see how long it will last but she really apologized and showed a real remorse for the first time. It seems me that this book was what broke the camels back, and brought her to her senses and real R.

Gotmegood posted 5/5/2014 21:26 PM

Agree with other posters. I stumbled onto this book by accident on Amazon. I was tired, in shock and exhausted from crying to try and explain how I felt to my WH.
I was starting with "aren't you glad it was only a prostitute?", so we had a loooong way to go, and as I said, I was empty and decimated. This book did it. Succinct and to the point. One of the most helpful things I've done. Gave it to WH for Christmas.

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