After that, I would recommend "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
But if you think you may have trouble getting your WS to read...definitely go for the McDonald book first. My WH loved the Linda McDonald book, and said that it "explained" to him why I felt the way I felt, and that until he had read it, he just thought I was "weird" for feeling the way I felt.
DO NOT READ Torn Asunder.
I wanted a good christian book and our MC even suggested this book. Once that dunce of an author wrote that *I* as the BW had to own up to my share of what caused my husband to stray, that was the END of that book.
My WH wanted to hold strong to those words, but we eventually got to a place where he no longer agreed with this. This book helps the WS justify their affair in some sense.
Since life is SO MUCH BETTER (not) since dday... I have pointed out to WH many a times that life is WAY worse than it ever was when he thought he was "unhappy".
He 100% agrees.
Sorry this post was supposed to be about this book. Anyway, seems highly recommended.
I was totally engulfed in torn asunder until that part came. My MC (who I thought was God at the moment) recommended it... and so it was mine and WH's bible. We read it together as a matter of fact. THEN came the blame part.. I was so pissed. And WH grasped onto it like it was a huge knot at the end of a rope. He was all about that... for a minute.
And I'm so glad to hear the warning about the "Torn Asunder" book -- thinking that would NOT be very helpful to either one of us.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
As others have said, it's short and to the point. THIS is what you did, THIS is how your BS feels, THIS is what you need to do to fix it.
I didn't read the other books usually recommended on here because (from the length) I felt the author(s) would be trying to psychoanalyze me. My H bought most of the books recommended not long after Dday. When we got How To Heal Your Spouse I'd already "gotten it" and was working to find my why. I read it anyway just to see if I HAD actually gotten it and was on the right path.
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
The book also doesn't fully reckon with the fact that the hurt spouse needs to understand what happened enough to have a sense of whether it could all happen again. That requires getting into the mind of the WS a bit, and doing that, for better or worse, requires some self examination and an understanding of the conditions that preceded the affair. And that means being willing to acknowledge some mistakes and wrongs. This book tends to put everything on the WS.
Having said that, I'd just note that the books stance is a useful tool for a WS in the sense that they are often so out to lunch, so unwilling to see the depth of the hurt they have caused, and/or so convinced that the marital relationship was so bad that the affair was totally justifiable, that they have trouble empathizing and/or even talking about the affair in a way that explores how they could have done better (and how an affair was not the only way). Anyway, this book acts like a blunt object - not as blunt an object as an affair, but blunt enough to help a willing WS stop for a moment and think, and maybe, possibly "get it."
I found the book very useful, but I told my WS that although I didn't agree with the seeming philosophy behind it, most things said in the book (e.g., about how to make me feel safer) are right on target, as if the author could read my mind.
The beautiful thing about this book is that it communicates simply and elegantly how deeply the WS has violated vows and trust, and how huge an effort it will take to repair those wounds. Most everything else I've read equivocates and makes me feel responsible for a choice that was made by someone else - or even obscures the fact that there was a choice. I believe your WS must get past all the history and mistakes you made, and understand that they made an incredibly damaging, trust-destroying choice, at least if they are committed to the process of reconciliation and healing. This book makes that fact very clear. It should be read both separately and together, with tears and affirmation that it speaks the truth about how you feel.
If your WS still doesn't "get it" after you go through this book (which I wouldn't recommend until a couple of months after D-Day), then you may legitimately question whether he or she ever will.
Then we had another TALK, when she tried to punish me for asking too many questions, by answering them with probbaly too much honesty and no remorse. Telling me things like, i"f only OM was younger I would leave you, and listingnall his great features. I was quite crushed, and let her know this .. With not much hope.
Then, she listened to this book and in her, and book words "she got It". We will see how long it will last but she really apologized and showed a real remorse for the first time. It seems me that this book was what broke the camels back, and brought her to her senses and real R.