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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Dry Adultery part deaux
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had posted something about this a while ago. I've seen some post here wanting to save their marriage, relationship, but not often themselves. "What can I do?, what should I say, how do I help, fix, prove?!?, I get it now, I see it. I know now what I want". 

All good questions, all great reassuring statements. Then often, poof. They're gone. Their marriage over or things aren't better fast enough. They may not have another affair. They're a dry adulterer. Just like a dry drunk may never have another drink yet not ever be sober.

There's so much more to healing from the choice to have an affair than never cheating again. You need to develop and grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Without the digging and the work, that initial guilt and shame that seemed so fresh and brutal fades. 

The marriage you were terrified you lost seems to be at least temporarily saved and now those changes you committed to become stifling and confining. "I'm not a child, I have been good, I haven't lied lately, about anything like that". Your BS that you viewed as the love of your life, how could you have not seen it, is now jailer, parent, nag. "Will they ever trust me, get over this? It's been (fill in the length of time) I've  done everything I could".

Nope. You haven't even started. You're still impulsive, discontented, restless, selfish, and now you have a healthy does of judgmental and critical tossed in because you get it. You don't do that stuff anymore like those idiots. You have morals. You are now a finger pointer at those losers who can't get it together. In one word, insufferable. 

You've never dealt what the affair caused you to lose and what it meant. Your escape, your validation, your holes, your boredom, your ego, your attention habit, unresolved FOO issues. All those toxic dysfunctions still alive and well but not having a secret,a person, people, ready and waiting when you slip away to fill, assuage, stroke, feed you. Now you have depression, numbness, just a hint of tapped down rage that echoes with a sharp remark or silence. Withdrawing, detaching, distancing. 

You are in a full blown affair again, without the other person. No fixes, no health, no growth. Not fucking someone else mentally or physically is not being faithful. 

There are no short cuts. Do the work. Get healthy mentally, emotionally, physically. The initial pain is what so many mistake for a wake up. It isn't always. It takes consistent focus and progress.

Make goals. As you achieve, high five yourself, pick the next one. Make them realistic. If you've never told the truth in conflict don't pick I will never lie again. It's not realistic. Pick I will think about something before I say it. When you fail, fess up immediately. 

No contact. No mental contact. That doesn't mean no thoughts will come but don't obsess and daydream. 

Transparency isn't a punishment for cheating. It's the only way to love an authentic life. 

Honesty is not an option.

Don't just profess your love, live it. Songs are changed, tv shows are paused and addressed. Hugs aren't ended by you. Conversations aren't started by them. You don't ask if you can go out with the boys/girls. You know. You say no thank you and don't run home to tell your spouse how "good" you were. You're an adult, not a child. 

Live your remorse. Carry your own water. Self sooth. 

Embody your potential rather than just referencing that you have it. 


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
wincings_sparkle
♀ 27129
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where is Hufi's Clapping Guy?

Yep. Walk the Walk don't just Talk the Talk.

Dry Adultery is a good way to look at it.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Want To Wake Up
♀ 31583
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will this do Wincing?


Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)
"Adultery is not a symptom of a struggling marriage....a struggling marriage is a result of a person who can chose adultery."- saw this on SI

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2011
wincings_sparkle
♀ 27129
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's cute and little!
It's clapping!
It's perfect!
Thank you.

"I'm not a child, I have been good,
If someone actually said that during work, we would point out that only a child would say something like that.

The initial pain is what so many mistake for a wake up. It isn't always. It takes consistent focus and progress.
A good indicator of progress is the ability to talk about something and have it not hurt to talk about.

I can talk about things now that I could not have talked about without hurt/anger/fear in the past. It's amazingly stunning to my BH and to me. I always thought that I was just "emotional" or "emotive" or "passionate". Ha, I was immature and had immature coping skills and poor communication skills. Now if I'm "emoting", "passionate" or "emotional" it is a conscious decision on my part.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
numb&dumb
♂ 28542
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I hire you as a life coach ? My W could use one. FYI, I did print this off and gave it to her.

I've been going through a anger cycle lately. Rough week.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
archernine
♀ 31898
Member # 31898
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UO,

I lurk in the WS area because as a BS I'm interested in seeing and reading what everyone is going through. When I saw this, I just starting nodding my head in agreement. Thank you for writing such a brilliant and insightful post. It is something I will print and have my WS read because I know this is something I feel about him but haven't been able to find the words for.

UO, you rock. BTW, love the Marilyn Monroe quote on your signature line.

[This message edited by archernine at 6:57 AM, October 28th (Friday)]


An affair isn't like taking pottery ... they always end disastrously...and it's the one thing in my life I would undo if I could-- from the movie, Unfaithful.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
Pentup
♀ 20563
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UO-
Wow
Too true on so many counts.
Have to say that (and I hope I'm not the only one)I came here as the BS. I read in WS to get a handle on things that my WH might feel/think/not express. Very often I read a post that forget the effect, I'm suffering from the same cause (selfish, immature, etc)

Going through this, it's not only the WS that sometimes needs to grow emotionally. I definately needed to as well. This site has helped me mature as a partner. Still have a ways to go.

Reading this makes me realize that I have been in the past this person at times.

I'm not expressing this well. Thank you for making me look deeper at myself and recognize my own weaknesses.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6679 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Dance4Me
♀ 26284
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was one of your better postings UO-- I actually understood and agreed with all of it! Lol!

I haven't showed my FWH a post on here for some time...this one- I will!

The "I've been good" quote just cracks me up! My dad use to say that to my mom-- I hated it. Now my 18 year old son says that and all I say is...."do you wanna cookie??". I just love Chris Rock!


On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis


Posts: 1043 | Registered: Nov 2009
helpemegetoverit
♀ 30242
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was one of your better postings UO-- I actually understood and agreed with all of it! Lol!

Ha ha, I agree.

I think a LOT of people go into 'dry adultery' for years .... only to do it again. Like you said, they MAY never have another 'drink' again...may be 'strong' enough to REALLY want to but never do it...but I do think many 'fall off the wagon' eventually.

It's my biggest fear. Wanting to make sure that I REALLY figure out and 'fix' my issues so that I am never tempted to do it again.


Me: WW
Him: BH

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
John Green


Posts: 882 | Registered: Nov 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, uo, for putting it in a comprehensive form what I have known about my FWH.

I found out about his affair 6 years after he ended it. However, in those 6 years he was what I called a "dry cheat". He didn't treat me well, he didn't fix him he didn't own his shit.

You would have thought he would have treated me like the goddess that I am ( )

No, he actually still had all his WS thinking going on and if someone offered sex that he thought wouldn't turn psycho evil bitch and want to tell me all about their lllluuuurrrrvvvvvv I am sure he would have gone for it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
UnexpectedSong
♀ 21761
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not fucking someone else mentally or physically is not being faithful.

This!

No contact. No mental contact. That doesn't mean no thoughts will come but don't obsess and daydream.

And this!


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6115 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
whydidyou
♀ 29388
Member # 29388
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UO....

great post, thought provoking for both WS and BS as always.!

Thank you!


BS (me)
WS (him)HowIHeal
DD 1/2010

ETA. IPAD auto correct stinks, sorry for typos and numerous edits!


Posts: 759 | Registered: Aug 2010
lost_in_toronto
♀ 25395
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always love you posts, uncertainone, even if I don't agree.

One thing I thought about as reading this is how easily it is for the BS to fall into this same trap - having a "dry" relationship with the OP and the affair itself.

Two years post dday, and I still fall into obsessive thinking about the OW at times. It's unhealthy, and contributes nothing to my relationship with myself or with my WS. I have never contacted the OW in the real world...but in my imaginary world I communicate with her often. And I also can sit quietly in a corner and pick the edges of what I call my affair scab...even though I know picking at a scab makes everything take longer to heal and the scar uglier in the long run.

No contact. No mental contact. That doesn't mean no thoughts will come but don't obsess and daydream.

It gets better as time goes along, but I have definitely had periods in which I was having my own little affair with the pain of his affair. And that isn't a healthy way to process pain.

As always - thanks for making us think, uncertainone!


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was one of your better postings UO-- I actually understood and agreed with all of it! Lol!

Occaisionally that happens, but don't be scared. It usually goes away after rest and plenty of water.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
stilllovingher
♂ 29959
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, October 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This IS a really good thread!
SLHim was most definitely in this category for awhile.
It takes alot of work and self awareness, but it's all worth it(I wasn't always a saint )


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2408 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
alexa071
♂ 28881
Member # 28881
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Embody your potential rather than just referencing that you have it. 

LOVE this line!


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
MyJourney2Me
♀ 30075
Member # 30075
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UO: Your post described me to a T, from Dday till 5months ago. I was always saying I have been good, so why the constant suspicion??!!.



Thank you for getting into my head, now I can say I am doing this for me, not for the relationship.


Me: WS 23yrs

Complicated mad hatter situation

Status: With all the Ddays, lets just say the clock was set back to Jan 2012.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Cradle of mankind
toby
♂ 10337
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing post!!!! I'm bumping it to the top!!!!

Posts: 1559 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, November 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you uncertainone.

Even though your post is for the WSs, it struck me as many things that a BS must do as well. How am I supposed to build a relationship with my WF if I can't be a strong person all on my own? How am I going to appreciate him as a person if I am still drinking and drowning in all that anger and the isolating tendencies that go along with it?

Thank you for making me think and through your thread giving me something solid to work on.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3921 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
minime
♂ 32840
Member # 32840
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, November 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post, I wish my wife really understood what it means.

She mentioned this thread to me but could not explain what it was about to save her life...which is a great indicator of understanding of a concept or more precisely lack of understanding.

Funny thing is that i used the expression of "dry drunk" with her many month ago to explain that why she needed to do all the work.

This is one of the best most insightful threads on here for some time. I hope she my WW "gets" it at some point

[This message edited by minime at 9:49 AM, November 15th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH: 31
Her: WS: 30
Married: 5 years, 13 years together
DDay #1: 3/1/11 - Denied affair, agrees to NC (false)
DDay #2: 6/29/11 - EA/PA for 2 years
Kid: 10 months...WTF?!?

Favorite Quote: Each betrayal begins with trust


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 75
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

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