I know it's not my fault but I can't help but feel as though society looks upon it as my fault. That I'll be looked upon as the wife that couldn't keep her husband happy or that I didn't 'put out' enough, keep the house clean enough etc. Yet I know that's not the case.
Does anyone else feel this way? How did you overcome it?
And you are right. This is NOT your fault. Huge hugs to you.
After d-day#2 and people found out we were divorcing, the first question out of everyone's mouth... "did he cheat on you".
Everyone to my face has been supportive.
I still get embarrassed in groups of people that I don't know very well....like mom's from the kid's school. I wonder if they think those stereotypes about the betrayed.
There is never a reason for cheating, walk away, ask for MC, or just talk.
Everyone has been incredibly supportive, and I use it as an opportunity to educate people that affairs have nothing to do with the BS or a bad marriage.
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
Come here at SI often and read, read, read...Read the Healing Library and other people's posts. Society may judge (out of ignirance) but here, we are among people who have been where we are now and understand and don't judge. Here I feel like the good person that I am.
Hugs to you!
I love my messed up little family of friends.
I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
I told one friend. I told the pastor at the church I've been going to (embarrassing). I told my GYN (humiliating). Thought about telling my MIL, partly for support, partly so she'd shut the hell up about how hard her son was working down there in Rio....but I haven't told her.
I don't want to tell ANYONE else.
[This message edited by MFC2011 at 2:03 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]
It took a while to really get it through my head that none of it was my fault. As for people judging me (possibly!) for attempting R, well they have a right to their opinion, but that's all it is. Their opinion, and I just have to keep working on not caring. If things don't work out, I'll reassess all of this no doubt, but will still be proud that I stayed and tried to work it out. If they do work out, then who gives a flying F what any of them ever thought or said?
There are a great many people out there who have experienced infidelity and stayed in the relationship, but simply do not speak out for fear of people judging them as weak, or flawed in some way. Just another thing that seems have gone scarily awry within todays society, but I'll stop on that subject now before I get carried away.
I'll leave it now by saying, lucyloo, you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to. Give yourself some time to think about it, and to decide if you feel you need to. When you are feeling stronger, if you do speak to anyone you care about it, then you can explain about the reasons for it happening, and the reasons you are R/Ding if you want to. It is YOUR life, no-one else's and only you know what's best for you. Whether people judge you or not, remember that, and also that they really don't know what they would do under the same circumstances, unless they were under the exact same circumstances. Which they will never be, because every individual, and every relatioship is different. I'm sorry if this hasn't really helped too much. Perhaps to overcome it, time, repeated self-talk, and the deep absorption of the fact that it really is not something for you to feel shame over?
The bad news is there is no key to happiness. The good news is it isn't locked.
I also feel shame for staying with him. I love him, I love this person who did a very horrible thing to me. I love him enough to give him a chance to change. I feel shamed that I chose someone who would hurt myself and our blended family in the way that he did, but yet, I'm giving him a second chance.
Yes, I feel shame...
It just takes time. Pretty soon you get tired of punishing yourself for someone else's deeds.
I don't feel embarrassed, but there's no pride, either.
I have confided in several friends and family members, and they have all been very supportive. A couple initially asked if we were going to try for R, but when they heard the full story, they were very supportive of my decision to D (which reflects my life, my decision-- no judgment here for anyone doing R).
But, I do feel sort of ridiculous for choosing someone who would make such a poor decision. I know that it's not my fault and that I can't control him, but I've always been a relatively level-headed, practical sort of person who has made good choices in her life. I don't like how my choice of him reflects on me after what he has done. That's why I have kept the D close to the vest for now. It's not something that I want to discuss with acquaintances and colleagues I'm not close to.
[This message edited by 2_4giving4_2long at 4:05 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]
That I'll be looked upon as the wife that couldn't keep her husband happy or that I didn't 'put out' enough, keep the house clean enough etc.
The truth is, a lot of people are going to look at a BS this way. In all honesty, before I was a BS, there were times I had those thoughts when I heard about a man cheating on his wife.
I didn't tell anyone about the A after DDay, partially because I was sooo sure STBXH and I would work through this and stay together , and partially because of the very reason you mentioned - I was so embarrassed that I failed as a wife and wasn't good enough to keep my husband from wanting another woman.
But after a little while I started to realize that my keeping the affair a secret was only saving STBXH from embarrassment, and I got pissed. So I started telling anyone and everyone that my H cheated on me with a married whore while I was home taking care of our infant daughter. (In fact, I just told a random stranger in line at the grocery store this weekend, but that's a whole other post about how I probably need to control myself now).
Yes, it's still embarrassing because I know so many people look at me like I drove my husband to someone find someone else, but now they're looking at STBXH and know that he was an immoral fuck who cheated on his wife.
Why should he get a way with looking as though he did nothing wrong?
Bottom line - you don't have to tell anyone anything you don't want to. But maybe someday you'll find that it feels better to let people know what really happened instead of keeping it. You didn't do anything wrong, regardless of what anyone's perception is, and it's not your disgusting secret to keep.