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Newest Member: JulyLady (61478)

User Topic: The shame
Member # 34821
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so ashamed about my WS's affair. I don't want to tell anyone in fear of them judging me.

I know it's not my fault but I can't help but feel as though society looks upon it as my fault. That I'll be looked upon as the wife that couldn't keep her husband happy or that I didn't 'put out' enough, keep the house clean enough etc. Yet I know that's not the case.

Does anyone else feel this way? How did you overcome it?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2012
Worth More
♀ 32050
Member # 32050
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the things that helped me a lot was reading the Healing Library here. I also talked to my counselor about this.

And you are right. This is NOT your fault. Huge hugs to you.

Me- BW
Him- WH
D day #2 is the deal breaker

Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2011
♀ 22033
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't tell anyone after d-day #1....essentially I was embarrased that I stayed.

After d-day#2 and people found out we were divorcing, the first question out of everyone's mouth... "did he cheat on you".

Everyone to my face has been supportive.

I still get embarrassed in groups of people that I don't know very mom's from the kid's school. I wonder if they think those stereotypes about the betrayed.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2008
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I've learnt to not be embarrassed. I did nothing to make him the person he is. Now if he has to explain why I am divorcing him, let him feel embarrassed and even if he feeds them lies, let him live with the guilt of knowing he chose to destroy his family.

Posts: 2328 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was more embarrassed for letting him stay. I know people were wondering why I didn't kick his ass to the curb.
I never thought the A was my fault, I know there were things I wished I had handled differently.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 34808
Member # 34808
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have only told 1 person via text, I never said the words aloud until talking to medical professionals. I just wonder how many other people have been thru it and don't talk about it. Maybe if we didn't feel so shamed the numbers wld come to light.

There is never a reason for cheating, walk away, ask for MC, or just talk.

BW 32
WH 36

Posts: 199 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: United States
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I'm just weird, but after reading about it in the Healing Library and realizing that only damaged people cheat (and my STBXWH is very broken), I have been very open with friends/family.

Everyone has been incredibly supportive, and I use it as an opportunity to educate people that affairs have nothing to do with the BS or a bad marriage.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 33126
Member # 33126
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lucyloo, you don't have to tell anyone until you are ready to. Your are not to be blamed for your husband's choices in life. You are not responsible for his hapiness. This is not the role a wife/partner. One thing I have come to understand is that in the end, and despite all the efforts we may put into a relationship, we can never control the other person, never. And this has nothing to do with who we are, and how clean the house is.

Come here at SI often and read, read, read...Read the Healing Library and other people's posts. Society may judge (out of ignirance) but here, we are among people who have been where we are now and understand and don't judge. Here I feel like the good person that I am.

Hugs to you!

Posts: 149 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: UAE
♀ 27947
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I outed made my H tell his mother, or I was going to. I outed him on facebook. One of his uncles threatened me with physical violence (he'd been cheated on no less) and had 5 people at my house the next day while H was at work to make sure I was safe. Two of them martial arts trained, one trained in firearms/knife/street fighting, one who really could get away with a temp insanity as they are dx bi polar and multi personality...

I love my messed up little family of friends.

BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am there too. I have told two friends who are time zones away. Of course IC and intake for IC and medical professional for STD screen. I have not been able to tell anyone in our community. It feels like a lot to lay on one person. Itellectually I know I am not to blame. I have read enough already. And WH is starting to own his part. But everywhere I turn I run into to some account of infidelity. And I can't help but think of how people would judge me. It's not our fault. We didn't do it. I don't know how to get out of the feelings though.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 34856
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that way. I know it doesn't make sense, and it's not my fault, but I don't know how to overcome it.

I told one friend. I told the pastor at the church I've been going to (embarrassing). I told my GYN (humiliating). Thought about telling my MIL, partly for support, partly so she'd shut the hell up about how hard her son was working down there in Rio....but I haven't told her.

I don't want to tell ANYONE else.

[This message edited by MFC2011 at 2:03 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]

Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 797 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
♀ 33227
Member # 33227
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing I struggled with more was that people knew about it, and knew that I was giving him another chance. THAT is what upset me the most. Yes, there were the thoughts that people may think it was my fault despite the fact I knew I wasn't. Then I realised that the people who knew me best, are the ones who know me best so would know this could not be true. And really, they're the ones I care about.

It took a while to really get it through my head that none of it was my fault. As for people judging me (possibly!) for attempting R, well they have a right to their opinion, but that's all it is. Their opinion, and I just have to keep working on not caring. If things don't work out, I'll reassess all of this no doubt, but will still be proud that I stayed and tried to work it out. If they do work out, then who gives a flying F what any of them ever thought or said?

There are a great many people out there who have experienced infidelity and stayed in the relationship, but simply do not speak out for fear of people judging them as weak, or flawed in some way. Just another thing that seems have gone scarily awry within todays society, but I'll stop on that subject now before I get carried away.

I'll leave it now by saying, lucyloo, you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to. Give yourself some time to think about it, and to decide if you feel you need to. When you are feeling stronger, if you do speak to anyone you care about it, then you can explain about the reasons for it happening, and the reasons you are R/Ding if you want to. It is YOUR life, no-one else's and only you know what's best for you. Whether people judge you or not, remember that, and also that they really don't know what they would do under the same circumstances, unless they were under the exact same circumstances. Which they will never be, because every individual, and every relatioship is different. I'm sorry if this hasn't really helped too much. Perhaps to overcome it, time, repeated self-talk, and the deep absorption of the fact that it really is not something for you to feel shame over?

Married 11 years, together 14.
1 child, aged 8.
XWS (34)
Me (32)
D-day 11/08/11
Attempted R and ALMOST made it
D April 2015

Almost doesn't count.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: United Kingdom
♀ 34740
Member # 34740
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel shame...not for the A that my WH had but for choosing a man who did that to me in the first place. My story is horrible, truly horrible. In fact, when we were at MC the MC seemed so disgusted with my WS that I thought she was going to offer to pay for the divorce attorney herself. I do feel shame for choosing a man who was in a LTA with a MOW and still dated and married me. How could I have not known? How naive could I have been? I feel shame for being so trusting, so ready and willing to marry him and take on his kids...I feel shame...

I also feel shame for staying with him. I love him, I love this person who did a very horrible thing to me. I love him enough to give him a chance to change. I feel shamed that I chose someone who would hurt myself and our blended family in the way that he did, but yet, I'm giving him a second chance.

Yes, I feel shame...

D-Day#1 - Dec. 8, 2011 - found the receipt
D-Day#2 - Dec. 28, 2011 - found the phone logs
D-Day#3 - Jan. 6, 2012 - admitted to PA
3 amazing sons - 13DS, 13SS, 11SS
in R

Posts: 762 | Registered: Feb 2012
♂ 21836
Member # 21836
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was something I dealt with fairly early on. I know I did nothing wrong. I was a pretty damned good husband. Not perfect, but pretty damned good. I wondered for a while if there were something I could have done differently. But that is just futile and trying to rewrite the past and that never works.

It just takes time. Pretty soon you get tired of punishing yourself for someone else's deeds.

The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008

Posts: 2740 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have worked hard with my IC to take off the cloak of shame. Without her guidance, I would be drowning in a sea of humiliation right now.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 32209
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have no reason to be embarrassed. He has embarrassed himself, period. The only reason I didn't tell people was for the sake of our kids. They are teenagers. I think they've each confided in a few friends they trust, but I felt that should be up to them. I have also told a few people I trust. My dad, and one BFF who doesn't live in our town. Her husband also cheated, so she understands and does not judge me. People do judge, but I don't really care about that. You are the only one who walks in your shoes. I understand how you feel, though. It's not like it's something any of us can be proud of. My brother has been arrested many times with his name in the paper. I don't feel embarrassed, but there's no pride, either. I can't exactly brag about how great he's doing. Talk to us here at SI, and IC, an MC, or a pastor. These are safe places until you feel stronger.

Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with MDW:

I don't feel embarrassed, but there's no pride, either.

I have confided in several friends and family members, and they have all been very supportive. A couple initially asked if we were going to try for R, but when they heard the full story, they were very supportive of my decision to D (which reflects my life, my decision-- no judgment here for anyone doing R).

But, I do feel sort of ridiculous for choosing someone who would make such a poor decision. I know that it's not my fault and that I can't control him, but I've always been a relatively level-headed, practical sort of person who has made good choices in her life. I don't like how my choice of him reflects on me after what he has done. That's why I have kept the D close to the vest for now. It's not something that I want to discuss with acquaintances and colleagues I'm not close to.

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 4079 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ 34008
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a difference between shame and ashame. Ashame is when you did something against your moral code. Shame is what is used to control you. Don't allow anyone to shame you. (((HUGS)))

[This message edited by 2_4giving4_2long at 4:05 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]

Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 23266
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate and often feel ashamed of marriage, and of being associated with my husband. I feel and know others feel I made an unwise choice in staying with my WH thru multiple ddays. I talk honestly about my marriage to only a very few and try to avoid talking about my marriage with the rest.

Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
♀ 24727
Member # 24727
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That I'll be looked upon as the wife that couldn't keep her husband happy or that I didn't 'put out' enough, keep the house clean enough etc.

The truth is, a lot of people are going to look at a BS this way. In all honesty, before I was a BS, there were times I had those thoughts when I heard about a man cheating on his wife.

I didn't tell anyone about the A after DDay, partially because I was sooo sure STBXH and I would work through this and stay together , and partially because of the very reason you mentioned - I was so embarrassed that I failed as a wife and wasn't good enough to keep my husband from wanting another woman.

But after a little while I started to realize that my keeping the affair a secret was only saving STBXH from embarrassment, and I got pissed. So I started telling anyone and everyone that my H cheated on me with a married whore while I was home taking care of our infant daughter. (In fact, I just told a random stranger in line at the grocery store this weekend, but that's a whole other post about how I probably need to control myself now).

Yes, it's still embarrassing because I know so many people look at me like I drove my husband to someone find someone else, but now they're looking at STBXH and know that he was an immoral fuck who cheated on his wife.

Why should he get a way with looking as though he did nothing wrong?

Bottom line - you don't have to tell anyone anything you don't want to. But maybe someday you'll find that it feels better to let people know what really happened instead of keeping it. You didn't do anything wrong, regardless of what anyone's perception is, and it's not your disgusting secret to keep.


Me:BS Him:WH Two kids
Married 12yrs - together 20
A started 2/09 - S 7/09 - he filed for D 12/09
I wanted to R and he didn't. He never stopped seeing the MOW, who filed for D 11/09. They've since broke up...for now.

Posts: 596 | Registered: Jul 2009
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