"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MFC2011 posted 3/29/2012 06:46 AM

Cross-posted in general also. Looking for input.

So after WH's revelation the other night, I was so angry that I went ahead and emailed OW.

I'd been writing her emails for the past 3 months, but hadn't sent any. They were just good ways for me to vent. The most recent one I'd thought about sending, but had shelved the idea for the moment because (I thought) so much time had gone by and I didn't want to stir things up.

But after finding out that not only had he slept with her for another MONTH after D-day, but had then continued to talk to her on the phone, etc. I was so furious that I went to the email, edited it so that it accurately reflected the newest version of events that he admitted to, copied it into a new email acct I created, and hit send. Was it wise to email her? I don't know. It probably wasn't wise to send it at a moment when I was sleep deprived and extremely emotional. But what's done is done.

*swoosh* off it went through the ether.

That was yesterday around 6am (I was still up....)

This morning I received a reply. I'm not sure if I want to respond or to just let it go. I would love to see if she still has the emails he sent, since he deleted everything.....but I REFUSE to "ask" her for anything (anyone have any ideas for getting her to send them without asking for them? LOL) I do want to see if she follows through with sending the STD test results.

I'm going to post the emails. Let me know what you think.

My email:
I suppose it's about time I introduced myself, considering we've both been sleeping with my husband. My name is (MFC2011). I am (WH)'s wife. I am a REAL person, not just the theoretical other half of his supposedly "unhappy" marriage. If you are thinking of calling or emailing him to complain that I've contacted you, don't bother; he's already aware that I would be doing so. You made a decision about the manner in which you wanted to conduct yourself in life, and I would assume that you're adult enough to handle it on your own now without running to hide behind him.

Let me start by explaining that I do not need your excuses, stories, or explanations, and I do not expect a reply to this email. I am not looking for for an apology or for answers to questions (as if you'd have the morals or character for that anyway - ha!). In any event, whether you attempt to reply, or whether this email goes straight into your trash bin, makes no difference to me either way. I'm sending it for me, not for you. Starting several months ago you and (WH) both made decisions that impacted MY marriage, and quite frankly I feel entitled to at least comment on it before any more time goes by.

First, you should be aware that I know everything that happened. From how he met you in the first place and the various things he told you so you'd keep having sex with him, to what you did in bed and how many times, to the resumed fucking between the two of you after he returned to Rio, to the phone calls in (next country he went to), and the texts you just sent him in (country he's in now), and everything in between.

If you expected to be some sort of romantic tropical memory that he'd daydream about in secret....well, you're not. He confessed and a light has been shined into every dark, dirty corner of the affair you two were conducting. He's terrified I'm going to leave him, and he's ashamed of the person he was when he made the decision to be with you. He has answered every question I've had about what happened with you and why.

I'm not sure what you expected out of it, and quite frankly I don't care. I understand that he lied to you about his marital status at first, and I hold him 100% responsible for his actions. It's not that you were so attractive that he couldn't resist cheating; because of his own internal problems, he'd made the decision to cheat long before he met you. He was with you not because of who you are, or who I am, or what may or may not have been going on in our marriage....like anyone who has an affair, he was with you because of something broken and destructive inside himself.

After you found out he was married, you then made a conscious decision to help him continue further down the self-destructive path he'd stumbled onto. From that point on your actions became guilty and deceitful. How dare you insert yourself into the midst of someone else's marriage based on some sort of vague statement that he was "unhappy"? I've been with him for over 10 years, and "happy" or "unhappy" couldn't even begin to encompass the thousands of experiences that make up his relationship with me. You really fell for a load of horse shit when you accepted that statement. He wanted someone who was willing to spread their legs in return for very little investment, and you stepped right up to volunteer.

What you and he had was based on lies, secrecy, bad judgement, immorality and a total inability to recognize healthy boundaries and behavior. When he's faced with his wife, family and friends knowing what he did, he's embarrassed and ashamed of the choice he made.

You didn't make love to the honest, caring man who I married and built a real life with; you had performance sex with a damaged man who was acting out a dysfunctional scenario based in his own insecurities and pathologies. Even though you apparently claimed to have experienced the receiving end of infidelity yourself (which, if it's even true, makes you not a sympathetic figure but instead even MORE appalling), you whored yourself out to a married man out for nothing more than a few dinners, cheap thrills, and an expensive bottle of wine.

Your actions pretty much said "fuck you" to my two children; their father is their world, and you happily participated in helping him to risk destroying their family. You risked your own daughter's safety by letting someone who was basically a stranger - and one who was openly demonstrating his dishonesty - sleep in your home. I can't even begin to imagine the type of psychological problems that lead someone to act like that, or what must be missing in yourself that you were so desperately trying to fill. It seems difficult to believe there isn't at least one unmarried man in Rio who'd be willing to bed you; you should develop some self-esteem and steer clear of other women's husbands in the future.

Just so you know, given your inconsistent use of condoms, your lack of discretion in sexual partners, and the specific type of sexual act I happen to know you engaged in at least once, I'd strongly suggest you make an appointment to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. At your age and with your level of education, I'd have thought you'd be aware that your IUD won't stop you from getting AIDS or genital warts or gonorrhea. Everything he did with you was based on lies....you have no idea what his sexual history is. I suppose he forgot to mention that not only did he sleep with me when he was home, it turns out you're not the only tramp he was with down there! How truly ironic.

In any event, this email satisfies my decision to speak up. You should consider yourself lucky that I sent it to you privately and didn't send a copy to every friend and family member you have. Trust me, the thought crossed my mind. The decision you made was unacceptable, selfish, destructive and wrong and there is no explanation that would make it understandable to a normal, healthy person. You should be ashamed at your own actions and the example you've set for your daughter. God forbid any woman ever treats your little girl the way you treated me. I wish her the best of luck in life, and I hope that as she grows up, she has better role models than a father who won't pay child support and a mother who's whoring herself out to married men.

Have a nice life.

(MFC2011)

P.S. Let me also tell you how ironic I think it is that he was sleeping with you on MY birthday, and sleeping with me on YOUR birthday. I guess he forgot to mention that when he emailed you Christmas Eve.

P.P.S. Should you ever wind up in bed with my husband again, please email me with your shipping address so I can send all his shit down there. If that's the kind of man he's going to turn into, you will thoroughly deserve him and will be more than welcome to keep him. Please also be sure to have your checkbook handy, as someone is going to have to help him pay support for 3 children and a stay-at-home wife.

Her reply - it was not written in English, so this is the very rough translation that Google provided:

I am truly sorry for everything (MFC2011).
I use your letter as a bible for the future not to sin again, and thank you for not exposing myself.
But believe me, my profile is not going out with married man, I'm very ashamed of everything I did with you, and I know that I will pay for the wrongdoing I committed ..with my God, that is, if not already paying ... I believe!
I marked my medical today with my gynecologist for the day May 14. I feel healthy,why not go to another doctor urgently. After making all reasonable tests, I am sending you via e-mail, to reassure her! All clinic will be provided.
I very much hope that the love you two can overcome this difficult moment. He loves you (MFC2011), do not doubt it! But when I realized that he loved you, I was too needy and frailwith my personal situation. But I'm not a prostitute with her husband because he nevergave me any gifts or money.
(WH) was not a love or a boyfriend, a friend was just what I needed at this time. I envy you for a man as sweet as (WH)!
May God forgive me for what I did to you! I wish you and your children happiness.
I promise that I will never find your husband. I'm sorry!

Att, (OW).

Williesmom posted 3/29/2012 07:01 AM

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Fuck her and the broom she rode in on.

Your best bet is no more contact with her.

lost4good posted 3/29/2012 07:24 AM

Wow! (MFC2011) Your letter was awesome! You wrote it so well, good for you. I hope it makes you feel better to get it out there. You are a strong woman. Hang in there and best of luck!

solus sto posted 3/29/2012 07:30 AM

Call me naive (and oh---believe me, I'm not; I've been in the infidelity rodeo for so long I don't remember normal), but maybe, just maybe, your message actually reached this woman, and will effect a positive change.

Yeah, I know. It's just words.

But maybe.....

MrsDoubtfire posted 3/29/2012 07:31 AM

I wouldn't bother replying to anything else. A woman who calls a cheating husband sweet just doesn't get it!! And the poor lamb was frail so just HAD to sleep with him even after she found out? Let me just set my coffee cup down so I don't spill it whilst I laugh uncontrollably at her 'innocence'.....

A very well written and succinct letter. You should be proud of yourself for not resorting to name calling etc.

I admire your resolve.

But..... don't engage this woman any more now or she may start to think she's actually worth your time and she isn't!

Escape artist posted 3/29/2012 07:32 AM

OMG I love your email....
Fantastic, but sad sad that you had to send it at all... At least she was somewhat contrite.
I didn't have quite so wonderful response but mine was a knee jerk reaction anyway. You did yours with grace. What a woman....
Congratulations....you are indeed a prize!

[This message edited by Escape artist at 7:33 AM, March 29th (Thursday)]

TooSadToCry posted 3/29/2012 07:37 AM

Very well written letter!! It really has been thinking about writing one to OW myself. I hope everything works out for you.

Pippy posted 3/29/2012 07:39 AM

Well you got your reply. Sounds like she has no interest in contact with your WS again. I would not contact her again.

Frankly, these women are not hog tying your WH and dragging him off. He is making the choice to cheat on you. Getting his rocks off is more important to him than hurting you. I suspect you'll find out about a lot more and you have a sex addict on your hands.

I pray that the tests come back negative. Hugs.

sadinlex posted 3/29/2012 07:43 AM

I love your email....
Fantastic, but sad sad that you had to send it at all...

You did yours with grace.

I concur.

I also agree that no response is a great response to her reply.

Tred posted 3/29/2012 07:48 AM

MFC,

That was very well done. I loved reading your letter.

Should you ever wind up in bed with my husband again, please email me with your shipping address so I can send all his shit down there.

^^^This made me smile. That would just be awesome to do. Pack up all their shit and freight it to the AP house! For some reason that is so appealing...

Good for you.

HurtYetHealing posted 3/29/2012 08:02 AM

Good Lord! Your email is AWESOME! Wish you had posted this before I sent my email to OW!! I would have done a lot of copying and pasting

Your actions pretty much said "fuck you" to my two children; their father is their world, and you happily participated in helping him to risk destroying their family.

^^This more than anything I would have loved to have stolen. I never felt that I got across to her exactly how much her actions (along with WH's) effected my children.

I agree with everyone else, no need for a reply. Now she knows how you feel and exactly what you think of her. Let her live with that the rest of her pitiful and pathetic life.

squiffle posted 3/29/2012 08:06 AM

I'm with solus sto.

I wouldn't contact her again, but I would take it at face value that she's sorry and ashamed.

IMO -- that's a HELL of a lot better than I got - which was defiance and insults and that OW "regretted nothing." And also insulted my (then) 9 year old son.

Then I got stalking and fake web profiles created on me.

Perhaps your letter made a difference. It's a small comfort, the damage is done. But I do hope you feel better speaking your truth to the OW and this gives you a measure of peace.

ETA -- all those charges you leveled at OW, you should level at WH too. He broke up the family, he lied, he risked your health. If you give him a pass as "broken" -- you have to give the pass to the OW too as broken and self destructive. IMO, don't give either of them a pass -- they're both selfish POS.

[This message edited by squiffle at 8:08 AM, March 29th (Thursday)]

painpaingoaway posted 3/29/2012 08:16 AM

I actually loved your letter, and I actually loved her response. I thought she sounded sincerely sorry, and she did not try to excuse her behavior.

Normally, I would not recommend contacting OW's but, your letter was perfect IMO.

Good for you.

Exit Wounds posted 3/29/2012 08:31 AM

I believe that she is truly sorry and I am glad that you sent this letter. Maybe you helped save another family from breaking and children to become fatherless...

lynnm1947 posted 3/29/2012 08:31 AM

I do believe that you win the prize for best written, most succinct, and certainly, most FABULOUS letter ever written to an OW by a member of SI! And there have been some good ones.

Just a little note, though. Many members have received letters filled with "I'm sorry" from the OW. Some of those OW have fallen on their swords to the BS, then gone right back out and screwed the WS. Keep your eyes open. She can't be trusted any more than your WS can.

Don't answer this letter. She's not worth it.

Ariel73 posted 3/29/2012 08:32 AM

Amazing letter. I agree with the poster who said they wished they'd seen it before they sent their own OW letter. My letter never got a response, and that feels unresolved.

I also agree not responding to her is the best path. She's looking to be absolved, and that's fucked up.

Good for you! You sound strong and focused. I'll look to that for inspiration.

letting_go posted 3/29/2012 08:44 AM

Good letter. No reply needed. Don't believe a word she said. She still sees your WS as a sweet person. Be aware that contact could go underground.

struggling16 posted 3/29/2012 09:32 AM

Great letter. It brought a smile to my dreary day. You really rose to the occasion and succinctly described the situation for so many of us.

LonelyHusband posted 3/29/2012 10:27 AM

Sorry guys, I'm a little more cynical. I don't believe this got through to her at all. She is envious of your "sweet husband". Really? Envious of a man that can't stay faithful to his woman. Nope. Still in lala land.

Whoa. For a minute there I actually found myself giving a shit about an OW. <shakes head> That was weird, if momentary.

Put it out of your mind, don't respond, and never contact her again.

Kelany posted 3/29/2012 10:39 AM

Sounds very VERY similar to the reply that I got from my WH's AP, which I got in spanish and had to translate too, LOL

This is the reply I got (rough translation):

Sorry for all the pain I caused you. I wish you much happiness with your husband.

Everything was stupid. I understand it caused pain between both our families. (Her family? Her husband never even found out because I couldn't find out who he was. She begged my husband to ask me NOT to tell).

That is why I decided to end the relationship with him. (interesting twist there eh? I was there the night he texted her, and I was texting with her before she realized it.)

Please forgive me. (err haven't gotten there yet)

It is true that I gave him the cross necklace. I know it lead to me losing my job. (she didn't lose her job, she chose to quit. He never ever asked her to leave, he was going to leave).

I know what I did was wrong and God will punish me for it. (OK, sure he will.)

Whatever he tells you is the truth. He is not lying. He told me to leave him alone because he loved his wife and only his wife.