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Cheating locations and the WS

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TooSadToCry posted 3/30/2012 09:42 AM

What thoughts go through the cheating spouses mind when driving by the hotels, restaurants or wherever they had sex or spent time with the affair parnter? Does it cross their mind? Maybe bring back all the good feelings they had at that moment in time?

LoveActually posted 3/30/2012 09:56 AM

Thankfully my husband's affair was with someone in another state (mostly EA) and the brief physical contact they did have happened in her state--however, it's a place that is constantly mentioned on t.v. and commericals for it everywhere--it still triggers me 3 years later. My husband cringes when he sees or hears any reference to the place. I think it makes him think about the affair but definately not with fond memories. I think any truly remorseful spouse caught cheating and seeing the aftermath of pain they have caused their partner would have a hard time reflecting back to any good feelings they may have had during the affair. At least that's what my husband has communicated--he said that all he cares about and focuses on is me and if I'm okay--he feels nothing but shame when he thinks about the past and what he did.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 3/30/2012 10:34 AM

My wife (JNRPA) just spent 4 days on a business trip at the same location where the affair initiated. Same conference rooms, she even got the same rental car. She told me that it was disgusting and nauseating to have to constantly be reminded of her actions that nearly destroyed our family. I believe her.

whatjusthappened posted 3/30/2012 10:42 AM

My H's A was with our neighbor and always took place in her home. He said he gets physically ill when he turns onto our street because he must pass their house to get into our home. He said the feelings of disgust and shame are still overwhelming. There is nothing "good" about any of his feelings. I believe him.

(((((TSTC)))))

triskele posted 3/30/2012 12:28 PM

My WS rerouted, and did not drive past the places he had frequented. I had to, as well, as it was too triggery. I found myself searching for his car even when I knew he was nowhere near.

struggling16 posted 3/30/2012 12:41 PM

My WH cheated in the southeastern metropolitan area of our state (about 60 min. from our residence and 45 min. from our cottage). Now that entire region is toxic to me. I get triggery whenever we need to go to the area. I also experience shortness of breath when we drive by a certain cheap motel chain on the highway because they were "date" locations. I will probably never be able to go to Ann Arbor without freaking out; let alone all the suburbs he met "it" at for "dates", drinks, mall shopping, etc. He just doesn't get how these places trigger "mind movies". If anyone has any hints on how to deal with this, please post.

2yrs+recovering posted 3/30/2012 12:42 PM

My husband cringes when he sees or hears any reference to the place. I think it makes him think about the affair but definately not with fond memories. I think any truly remorseful spouse caught cheating and seeing the aftermath of pain they have caused their partner would have a hard time reflecting back to any good feelings they may have had during the affair. At least that's what my husband has communicated--he said that all he cares about and focuses on is me and if I'm okay--he feels nothing but shame when he thinks about the past and what he did.

My FWH has also stated the above. He is shocked by his own behavior. He thinks he was totally another person.

annb posted 3/30/2012 12:44 PM

My WH had mostly an EA bc OW lived 3,000 miles away, but she did meet him at his hotel one afternoon.

Needless to say, that hotel brand is triggery even after all these years, but I, too, believe my WH does not have ANY fond memories of the A or the AP. It digusts him.

I agree with LoveActually, a truly remorseful spouse will understand the pain and suffering caused by the A and will never think of the time spent in the A as anything but vile.

Bebba1171 posted 3/30/2012 12:58 PM

Not sure exactly what all the locations were, but I do know for sure that my stbx was being summoned to the doctor's house when his wife was away for an hour or more doing volunteer work, etc. My stbx was good friends with the OM's wife.

TooSadToCry posted 3/30/2012 14:37 PM

My WS's cheating took place about 5 minutes from our house. Driving on that road for me is difficult bc I just imagine her following him to that secluded area so that they can be together. Also, he told me they met at a local convenience store that we frequent and behind the mall. Very tough when you live in the town that it happened.

ineedtoleave posted 3/30/2012 14:42 PM

I believe their 1st encounter took place in our living room. No escaping that!

Ostrich80 posted 3/30/2012 16:00 PM

I dont know where the deed has been done, which makes every dirt road and parking lot on his way to work, a potential "drive in"

standinghere posted 3/30/2012 19:04 PM

List of primary places for sex in an affair.

Most common - Woman's home
Second - Man's Home

After that a multitude of places, parks, parking lots, office/business locations, etc.

So, my wife and her AP must have read the list. Parking lot, our home in bedroom, our home in garage, his home in bedroom, his workplace, park, and along the roadside and at another person's house he was doing work on, and just off a walking trail that was one of our favorite walking places.

In fact, for a short affair, with "only" 9 sexual encounters, they covered the area so we can't do anything or go anywhere without going past a sexual encounter spot. It was like they were strategically placed.

She gets intense shame and disgust when she is reminded about this by herself or by our daily activities. I don't have to bring it up.

We live here, our kids were raised here, and there is no place that we can go without them losing what they have had and their memories and "place", and I told her that I was not moving. If she can't handle it, then she will have to leave, but I'm not going and I'm not going to make the kids pay the price of this affair, this is a price she has to pay.

Ariel73 posted 3/30/2012 19:49 PM

My WH's list of spots: his car, parks (one about a minute away from our home), her car, and the occasional hotel. TMI, but once when I had the kids at the cottage, he fucked the bitch in the park then let her come back to our house to "clean up". I'm having feeling of wanting to sell this place. I don't think my WH gets how repulsive I find it all.

Lost Lilly posted 3/31/2012 01:05 AM

My *sshole husband met up with his Witch and prostitutes in NYC at a Trump Hotel (among many others).

I can't remember the exact question I asked him about the Trump Hotel he was at, but he said "It's great - we should stay there sometime."

Really?!?!?!

Dare2Trust posted 3/31/2012 09:35 AM

I also wonder if my WH thinks about the psycho OW and his affair with his so-called soulmate; when he drives by the apartment he rented for her...and the places they went together during the the secret 2year affair???

I avoid that area of town as much as possible. The apartment is a HUGE trigger for me -- since WH and OW did Identity Theft on me; and rented that $1,800 a month apartment in MY NAME.

BUT...I did have fun legally evictiing that bitch from MY APARTMENT!!! And the Judge awarded me all the furniture...since it was purchased on my joint credit cards!

LOSTinaBook posted 3/31/2012 09:36 AM

Since the stbX was bringing her to our (his father's house where we were living), I'm sure this is why he barely touched me. I was turned down so much, I actually started to fear that he was gay or something. Knowing he was f**king OP in our house I'm sure played pretty heavily on his own self-hate/guilt.

Thera77 posted 3/31/2012 09:56 AM

Early in our R, I asked FWH to take me to the cheap motel he and OW stayed at when I kicked him out. Well just the other day (yeah about 2 years later) - he finally did it. What a hole. It was only one of those $30 a night things by the freeway where you'd be hesitant to touch anything. It nearly made fwh sick to drive around it and he just drove through the parking lot to show me. He SHOULD be ashamed of it. But now I know - how much OW woman didn't really mean to him vs. how much I do - well at least as far as 'vacation' accomodations go, I guess.

I also made FWH drive by OW's old apartment that day. He hated it. Luckily all of this happened about 40 miles away from where we have made our life together. If I had to drive by these places on a regular basis, I might be considering arson.

ETA:
BUT...I did have fun legally evictiing that bitch from MY APARTMENT!!! And the Judge awarded me all the furniture...since it was purchased on my joint credit cards!

^^^ This, D2T, is AWESOME!!

[This message edited by Thera77 at 9:57 AM, March 31st (Saturday)]

I.will.survive posted 3/31/2012 10:15 AM

I don't know a single thing about his affair because he won't say a word about it. Hasn't even said the word "affair."

I've told him more than once that I don't believe him about nothing illicit going on this house (our marital home that I kicked him out of.)

He did say he's never stayed over at her house (I took a few week long vacations without him)so I assume that is where? Or a hotel? Or a car? Who the hell knows since it lasted a very long time.

He has ruined so much for me with the mind movies.

blueberry posted 3/31/2012 10:20 AM

I can't take a right or a left out of my street without passing places my H screwed OW. I asked and he told me every location, and there were many.
The location triggers seem to be getting better with the passing of time. But, believe me, the mind movies when I pass are torture.
They never did it at our home, but she came over once before the PA started. She wanted him to build her a house. So, she was in my bedroom. It was after she saw all that we had together that she came on to him. He took the bait, hook, line and sinker.
It is all just so sad.

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