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Newest Member: qwerty22 (45695)

User Topic: Is your WS getting anything from IC?
Lyonesse
♀ 32943
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just posted this in ICR under Q for WS, but thought I'd ask if BS had any input, too:

If your WS is in IC, does he/she feel they are getting anything out of it? Do they have specific tasks or exercises assigned by IC?

WH seems comfortable talking with IC, but that seems to be all that happens. IC never seems to give any feedback or ask anything of him. H will say he told IC about something that happened, or something from childhood, and then I ask, What did IC say about that, and H answers, Nothing - he just listened.

I feel he needs more of a coach or guide on how to address some of his issues. Are there IC who do that? Should we be looking for a more "proactive" IC?

Thanks for anything you can share!


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
lifeblowntobits
♀ 33687
Member # 33687
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lyonesse:
My fWH's first IC was much like you describe your WH's. He was a great listener, a good sounding board but did little as far as suggestions or homework or assignments. I felt fWH needed more. I encouraged him to switch, but the switch had to come from him. He eventually switched and it is like night and day between the two ICs.

His IC now challenges him, and yes he gives him assignments to work on at home. The level of self-introspective work that fWH does now is amazing. He is really digging deep and thinking about his issues, his dysfunctions, and working on all his "stuff".

My fWH's eyes were opened when I would come home week after week from my IC and say "my IC wants me to do this, work on this"....helped him see he wasn't getting enough out of first one.

What does your WH think? Does he feel as though he is getting what he needs? That he is getting to the deep stuff?


Me-BS-44, Him-WH-45-very remorseful
OW-Married, opportunistic co-worker whore
DD#1 7-30-2011: everything else lies until 2-12-12
Married 11years, DS19y, DS15y
2.5 years out: in a good place, light at the end of the tunnel


Posts: 1646 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Illinois
Lyonesse
♀ 32943
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your input. That sounds more like I expected from an IC.

WH doesn't know what to think. He's not really introspective and doesn't communicate well, so he really needs someone to walk him through things and teach him some skills for dealing with various issues.

On the one hand, his just being able to talk about stuff with anyone is huge for him. However, I don't feel IC is giving him any feedback or any tools for new ways to handle things.

I've asked to attend their next session so I can see for myself if IC interacts at all, or if WH just doesn't take in what he says.

WH does feel that the process of saying things out loud helps him identify feelings, and he has realized a few things from that (FOO issues that he never admitted to himself). I don't think this IC is detrimental, I just think H could make more progress with someone who was more of a coach.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 4:29 PM, April 5th (Thursday)]


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Betrayed60453
♂ 34922
Member # 34922
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do they have specific tasks or exercises assigned by IC?

Not that I know of, though I have a new assignment every week.
does he/she feel they are getting anything out of it?

Absolutely. She's getting validation that I'm controlling (if I were controlling, there wouldn't have been a 2nd affair, I can assure you of that), that I'm judgemental (again, I'm thinking affairs bring judgement, but I'm not the professional). Oh, and she comes away with lots of nifty catchphrases like, "I'm sorry you feel that way" which drive me up a wall.

She also gets plenty of excuses for her behavior...depression, post-partum depression, borderline personality disorder (after A #1) and addictive behavior (A #2). But no, no real advice (IMO) other than this was partially my fault because her needs weren't being met.

Sorry to be so negative, just the mood I'm in today. I will offer this advice though. WW is seeing a LCSW and I'm seeing a psychologist (I forget their special abbreviation). I'm noticing that social workers tend to focus on the environment, social interactions, etc. whereas a psychologist focuses more on the person in therapy (having sat through MC with the LCSW WW sees). Whenever I bring up WW, my therapist kind of points me in the "you" direction rather than the "her" direction (i.e., we're going to get you through this, giving me exercises to do to center myself, etc). Just my two cents.


Me: BH 40, Her: WW 30, 8 year old son
DDay #1: 2/10/05
DDay #2: 9/15/11

"You could stand me up at the gates of Hell but I won't back down"


Posts: 367 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Chicago
Lyonesse
♀ 32943
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Betrayed. That sounds like my worst IC nightmare, having had two unsuccessful MC's. The IC who WH sees now doesn't seem to be reinforcing any negative, blameshifting thoughts, but doesn't seem to be teaching any new techniques for thinking things through, either. However, if IC didn't think to label me controlling and judgemental up to now, that may change when I show up at their session next week!

I've wondered about the psychologist/counselor distinction - something to consider.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Jaegermeister
♂ 35170
Member # 35170
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS doesn't seem to be growing for maher limited IC.. He is fairly and squarely asking her to do the right things and fix the wrongs, make the right choices, and she thinks this is not helping..

Mine doesn't get it yet, hope yours does..


Been there, done that, got both t-shirts.

Posts: 201 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Australia
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When STBX was attending IC my impression was that very little of a therapeutic nature actually happened. From what I could tell WH didn't have "homework" like I did/do, and it didn't seem like his IC ever challenged him. It was like his IC simply believed everything WH told him & gave him nice, fluffy advice back. The interactions I had with his IC seemed like he'd been told completely false information about me. I base that on the things he said & asked me/us to do.

So no, I don't think STBX got anything from it. At least not from MY perspective. I mean, we're divorcing.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 9999 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummmm.....considering that I am considering asking for payback of IC sessions as 'marital waste' in our divorce? No.

My WH's experience with IC seemed to completely mirror Betrayed's. Only my WH kept coming home and spouting off about how "he had rights too". Or some such nonsense, but by that time I'd quit listening to him so I could be mistaken.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH IC changes every quarter. He is on number 2. Very different from number 1. No 1 was listening and encouraging and gently guiding. She may have feared losing him. He had never done IC before and i was getting frustrated initially because he wasn't making the call. No. 1 helped and supported and directed conversation to some important topics. But she also talked about self care and hw it is not selfishness. Hello, his selfish pursuit of his perceived needs got us here with 3 people in our marriage...... No. 2 is super proactive, and not easy for him. He has weekly assignments and tasks to do. She doesn't cut him slack. She is pro marriage. I think IC got him out of limbo. Of course I didn't know he was in limbo. He is starting to deal with the tough stuff about him, his choices, foo, our marriage and his contribution to it. So maybe now that your WH is in- is committed to IC- a switch might help you find someone to push him further. Take care of your needs too, Lyonesse.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
selkiescot
♀ 23777
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like my WH's C. I met her once and it was instant dislike. WH has been going to her for years but I see no improvement in him. He does nothing she asks. She never enforces. It seems to me a waste of time and money. ut if he did the work and got healed he's have no excuses.....sigh


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning no. My FWH didn't trust the therapy process. He was very detached from the whole process and was going only to appease me.

Over time, he's opened up a bit more.

After he went through the assessment process and was diagnosed, thepsychologist noted that he has trouble with therapy, and that it will take awhile for him to form a bond with a therapist, he won't trust them, and they will have to "prove" themselves to him first. The psych had a LOT of suggestions. The IC got a copy of the report. The IC is also who suggested he get assessed, which led to the diagnosis. And, that has helped amazingly, so I think that helped his trust factor.

Now, IC helps more.

As for what they discuss?? I don't know much. I don't ask for details. Just as he doesn't ask for details about my IC sessions. If he wants to discuss, we will. If I want to discuss mine, we will. Sometimes we discuss IC stuff in MC. But it's not a requirement for either of us to discuss IC unless we want to.

Our therapist knows what he needs to work on...(she's both our IC and MC) and I trust her. SHe knows his issues run deep. I've seen positive changes in him much more now than in the beginning when he was simply just skimming the surface.

I know in *MY* IC sessions, she does assign homework when she feels it's needed. She has in MC too. If she's given him some, I don't know about it. I'm sure he'd tell me if I asked, but I haven't. I know his relationship with me, and our children have vastly improved, so I have an inkling, she has.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
2amazinggrace
♀ 29738
Member # 29738
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine doesn't get anything out of counseling because he isn't truthful, transparent or open. And then he wonders why counseling doesn't work.


Divorced 2011

Posts: 171 | Registered: Sep 2010
changed forever
♀ 6995
Member # 6995
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely. She's getting validation that I'm controlling (if I were controlling, there wouldn't have been a 2nd affair, I can assure you of that), that I'm judgemental (again, I'm thinking affairs bring judgement, but I'm not the professional). Oh, and she comes away with lots of nifty catchphrases like, "I'm sorry you feel that way" which drive me up a wall.
She also gets plenty of excuses for her behavior...depression, post-partum depression, borderline personality disorder (after A #1) and addictive behavior (A #2). But no, no real advice (IMO) other than this was partially my fault because her needs weren't being met.

This, exactly. All my H got out of counseling was validation for his self-pity, plus a whole shitload of weasel catchphrases that the counselor thought might "calm me down" but which allowed him to blameshift and avoid responsibility. I too got the "I'm sorry you feel that way" line. Ain't it a freakin' classic? Grrr...

Of course he wasn't truthful, either with the counselor or with himself, so it's not surprising that it was a total waste of effort.


Mad hatters.
Him: 51
Me: 50
Married 23 years.

My DDay No. 1: April 2, '04
DDay No. 2: June 23, '04
DDay No. 3: July '04

We don't live together, but we haven't actually divorced yet.


Posts: 541 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Far from home
HardenMyHeart
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel he needs more of a coach or guide on how to address some of his issues. Are there IC who do that? Should we be looking for a more "proactive" IC?

Don't try to control a certain outcome. My FWW's IC was terrific and she gave little in the way of "assignments". My wife had serious FOO issues and clinical depression and her IC worked wonders.

Make sure your WH's IC is pro-marriage and pro-R. That is very important. Don't be surprised if the IC works on FOO (and related childhood) issues first. Sometimes there is more going on then you realize; especially if your WH does not feel comfortable opening up to you.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5710 | Registered: Aug 2007
Lyonesse
♀ 32943
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your insights, all! Whether your spouse had a good outcome with IC or the opposite, it reinforced for me the difference an effective IC can make (provided spouse is willing).

Gonnabe, this made me laugh:

considering that I am considering asking for payback of IC sessions as 'marital waste' in our divorce?
When WH used to do something exasperating, I would joke, I want a refund! These days Im actually coming up with a figure.

OnanIsland, I think that is the conclusion WH reached on his own this week. Just talking to any IC was a new experience for him, and he feels it was good to hear himself voice his own thoughts. But IC does not want to deal with the A or causes of the A. IC finally came out and stated this week, If we talk about your BS, then the therapy becomes about your spouse, not about you. We need to concentrate on what YOU want, not what your spouse expects. Credit to WH that he said what he wanted was to work on what led him to the A, and how to rebuild his M, and so he would be looking for an IC who could help him do that.

HardenMyHeart, you hit the nail on the head: an IC who is pro-M and pro-R. My biggest fear is H getting another IC who doesnt know anything about infidelity, and thinks it is just a self-fulfillment choice (this past IC was not the worst Ive heard about, but I think we can do better).


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Topic Posts: 15

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