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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: t/j - Dealbreakers - tmi
need_hope
♀ 23989
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

poshaccent has a post where she describes OW#29 (29!) asking her WH to facilitate sexual contact with OW's 2 dogs.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=451603

I tried to reply to the post but I couldn't. That post shook me. It was a trigger that shook me to my core. It touched a memory that I had buried.

Wow...there's no easy way to type this. STBX tried to convince me to let the dog fuck me. Okay...I said it. (deep breath)

We had to put our dog down at 6 yrs. old due to cancer but we had him from the time our DS was around 10 until around 16. Since DS was around there wasn't a lot of opportunity for STBX to press his case. And we didn't get another dog, so the point was moot after that.

What's worse for me than that, though, is the knowledge of how much I actually DID let STBX convince me to do. I have to be honest with myself and say that there is at least an average chance he would have eventually pressured me into it. That's not a pretty insight to have of yourself...to know that you were so controlled by someone else that you could or would do things that are so unthinkable.

Who the hell was I back then? Why didn't I look at that request and wonder who the fuck STBX was? How many more buried memories will I stumble across?

Thank God I'm finally emotionally and physically free of him. Now I'm just waiting on the legal freedom.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1761 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((need hope))

No words, just hugs.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7866 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
sadcat
♀ 8637
Member # 8637
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The coercion they can bring is amazing. My WXH was a master at coercing me to try things I did not like. Guilt, ridicule, more guilt, pressure, pressure, pressure. Insidious little remarks and even more pressure.

Do not beat your self up about this. He was the one with the illness NOT YOU. You were his chosen target.

(((nh))))


I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

If this isn't what I consider soulmate crap, I don't know what is.


Posts: 13273 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: GA
boontje
♀ 33247
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That took an amazing amount of courage to post. You may have been controlled by him st one point, but now you are free of his sickness. Sending tons of healing thoughts your way. (((needhope)))


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 1065 | Registered: Aug 2011
5yrsout
♀ 32109
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

very, very brave of you... even braver and better you are leaving him.Strength and hugs!!


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What 5yrsout said!

And more hugs (((((need_hope))))).


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38965 | Registered: Sep 2007
need_hope
♀ 23989
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I haven't cried about any of this shit for quite a while. STBX can still piss me off (like when he does stupid shit to drag out the divorce) and he can still make me nervous (like when I find out we're both going to be at the same place) but I haven't actually cried about the marriage for a long time.

I'm crying tonight.

What kind of man asks his wife to do that? What kind of man tries to convince or pressure his wife to do that? What kind of man?

And what kind of person am I? I didn't run screaming into the night...I didn't leave. Why didn't I? What was I....who was I that I just buried this and carried on like normal. How is this normal?

So what that it didn't happen. So what. The fact that it didn't happen is almost irrelevant. Should I be grateful that my dog had to die early? Did that "save" me? Should I be thankful that my son was an unknowing buffer? That isn't his job. Would I have continued to resist and say no? I'd like to think so...but STBX always ended up getting his way. It might take years but he'd get his way. Why should I think this would be any different?

I know that I'll be standing tall again soon but my knees are buckling right now. Sometimes the weight of having been married to STBX is too much to bear.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1761 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

needhope,

Poshaccent's post triggered you and it appears the dam has broken! I think it's good. Let it all out, sweetie.

You can drive yourself nuts thinking about what if, why did I let it go on for so long, etc.

You were in a marriage with a sick, sadistic person and you were afraid. You were afraid, and that's okay. Things turned out how they turned out and now you are healing, free from this tyrant.

I am in awe of how brave you are, to have gotten out. That must have been very scary, and difficult to do.

Good for you!!!

Keep going, needhope. You're doing fine. You're getting there. You'll be okay.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38965 | Registered: Sep 2007
Taurusinpain
♀ 30284
Member # 30284
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so very sorry. That is horrible.

(((Hugs)))


BW - 38
FWH - 41, SA since around 2005
Dday 4/9/10
Months and months of TT torture.
DD born 3/1/13
In R? Feels like going witht the flow.
Trying to get used to the new "normal"

Posts: 396 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: The worst place I can be - inside my own brain
girlsbird
♀ 30877
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are strong. So strong.

(((((nh))))))


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
need_hope
♀ 23989
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks AN (and everyone else). I don't normally trigger but this hit me really hard...probably because it tapped a buried memory.

I must have buried this memory very deep if it didn't bubble up in my mind during this whole process until I read poshaccent's post. What else might there be?

And yes, STBX does scare me. He scared me then. He scares me now. I don't know what he is capable of...if there are any limitations or boundaries. The difference now is that I won't back down.

I'm still scared but I won't back down.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1761 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
5yrsout
♀ 32109
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

emotional and physical abuse don't start out with guns blaring. it isinsidious. it is a slow wearing you down. you survived thank god
and are moving inthe right dirrction. you didn't get there overnigt and sadly you can't heal overnight. hugs and strength!!!


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
want a new life
♀ 27286
Member # 27286
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are so strong and know you can stay strong. You are on the right path. My XH also tried guilt and pressure to have a threesome. He wanted me with another woman. It never happened as it was totally out of my comfort zone and I could never follow through. He even said one time that he probably wouldn't have cheated if I had done all the things he wanted. Right!!!

((((((need_hope)))))


Me BS - 57
D 6/2010
It's been a long journey but I think I'm finally arriving at my happy place:)


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: midwest
need_hope
♀ 23989
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I took this piece of the puzzle that is my life and looked at it closely. That's what I do - what I have to do - especially when I acknowledge those pieces that don't seem to fit. It isn't a pretty piece but it is still a part of my puzzle. This piece - like some others - has razor edges and it cut me and made me bleed. I still had to look at it and it seems as if the edges lose that razor sharpness the more I look at it. Those edges will be dull and rounded by the time I click that piece into place and move on to the next.

@ 5yrsout - I'm actually reminded of the story of the boiling frog. The story goes that if you try to dump a frog into boiling water he will jump out. But if you put him in cold water and slowly increase the temperature he will adjust to the small changes until he is boiling in the water. To me, that is what emotional abuse is like. You constantly adjust to a "new normal". You think that this new issue is so minor that you'd be silly to raise a fuss over it. And that is how it just keeps getting worse and you lose your ability to react even to some major things.

@ want a new life - my STBX did talk me into threesomes. The difference is he wanted to watch me with another man. You're right, even if you had done everything he wanted and more, he still would have cheated because his cheating wasn't about what *you* did or didn't do. It was all about him.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1761 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
5yrsout
♀ 32109
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the frog analogy is perfect.

If an abuser knocked out teeth out on our honeymoon, OF COURSE we would leave, regardless of the expensive wedding, pretty gown, etc.

But, over years and years and years of steadily escalating pressure and abuse (emotional, verbal, and/or physical) starts to become acceptable somehow.

We justify it.
We make excuses.
We question our own JUDGMENT.
We blame ourselves... "If I had only..."

We basically succumb.

But, we CAN get out of it.
Seek and find support.
Take whatever steps you need to run far and fast.

DO NOT accept this as normal behavior.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.
YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON.
YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE OR DESERVE THIS.
YOU ARE STRONG.
YOU CAN GET AWAY.

Escape. Please.


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh needhope, I am so sorry.

This is another reason I despise porn so much.

I know everybody is sick of me ranting about porn all the time, but this is how alot of the really bad porn gets out there.

These sick, perverted men coerce or drug their wives/girlfriends into some pretty sick stuff, AND secretly film it and sell it, or share it with other sickos.

Please get away from this monster ASAP. Please tell me you two are not living in the same house?


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
want a new life
♀ 27286
Member # 27286
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the frog analogy is perfect

I so agree....you've hit the nail on the head. I also must reinforce what 5yrs has said. It is such a sick manipulative game they play. This is where you must be very selfish- it is ALL ABOUT YOU! Do what is right for YOU!!

Please run far and run fast.


Me BS - 57
D 6/2010
It's been a long journey but I think I'm finally arriving at my happy place:)


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: midwest
need_hope
♀ 23989
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ 5yrs - I've always liked the frog analogy...even when I was living it.

@ ppga - He doesn't live with me. I filed for D in January 2010 and he finally moved out October 2010. I have little to no contact with him except for divorce related issues and even that is very limited and the contact is via email - except once by text because I needed him to see the message immediately.

I am physically free of him and the longer he is gone, the stronger I get.

I am almost completely emotionally free of him, although I think that the fact that he draws breath means that I'll always have some fear of him.

I am working on becoming legally free of him but he keeps dragging it out so it's taking longer than I'd like.

I am a survivor. Bumped and bruised maybe... but still a survivor.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1761 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
HardenMyHeart
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((need hope))


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5758 | Registered: Aug 2007
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am physically free of him and the longer he is gone, the stronger I get.
Fantastic. Stay strong.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

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