But I desperately need help.
Just returned from a few days at the beach. When we left we were fighting, upon return we resumed. The topic...why the hell isn't HE mad at his two PA partners, one of whom I got an STD from and who called me names and the other who caused me considerable embarassment because of her broadcast of their affair in my town where I live and teach and am well known and very respected and loved? I get that it was him that broke his vows, blah blah, but skank #1 apparently gave him a sob story and he didn't think he needed condoms. Of course I am the one who got the abnormal PAP...and subsequent followup painful procedure.
His anger toward me all those years was palpable. For all kinds of non reasons
. I, being the good little codependent, daughter of an alcoholic tried to fix everything. And he still went off to be admired by and to admire scores of skanks. Is it wrong of me to want to hear some of that anger directed towards someone other than me? Someone who deserves it?
This weekend we did the things we like to do. It was hard to realize that our marriage could have been a good, no a GREAT one because we do like so many of the same strange things. And now he is pissed with me because I had a total hissy fit meltdown. Oh I guess I should be used to his anger. He wants to know if I have any hope. I do not even know if I will feel like getting out of bed tomorrow. Hope is a feeling I do not dare allow myself. Far too risky. He wants to know what we should do next. How the hell should I know! I obviously did every stinking thing WRONG for 32 years...I am not about to try to FIX this and crap it up as well. Buster, you ran this ship aground YOU dig it out. I was the fix-it-all woman for 32 years and that didn't go so well.
He wants to know if I love him. I dont know. I don't think I can afford to love anyone right now. I certainly don't love myself.
Most of my marriage has been a lie. I have wasted my whole life...