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Newest Member: Nala87 (61091)

User Topic: how did we end up here.
♀ 35227
Member # 35227
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure im allowed to post as im from the UK. If im not then p;ease delete.

In October 2010 i found out that my STBXH was having an EA with a woman from work. The day i found out he left. No explanation no reasons no sorry nothing.

Our marraige of 20 years had been in difficultly but he led me to believe that we were ok. Had even mentioned buying new wedding rings and had even told me he loved me without me having to say it first. This was a massive shock to me. I know it had been going on for at least 2months before i found out but to this day i still donr know how long exactly.

At that moment myself and children lost him and his parents and the majority of his family. He moved in with the OW pretty quickly although he will tell you he dont live there only stays over. She has 3 Children at home 2 in their twenties one is 15.

He has very little contact with our children as he keeps letting them down so they dont bother with him now. At xmas he promised to be a better dad etc and then didnt contact them again till middle of feb. He has never asked them to meet OW or her children and his mum has only seen the OW twice in 8 mths although she sees her son every week.

Myself and his mum had no contact for over year as i couldnt handle her lying to me and children to protect her son, so i pulled all contact.

In feb 2012 i decided that the children needed the grandparents so i made contact with his mum. she was over the moon told me she missed me more than she had missed her grandchildren. We were very close before his A, now i know we will never be that close again but least we are talking.

I filled for divorce as i needed to protect the MH for me and children. As he was threatening on selling it. So our decree Nisi will be announced on 10th May. A divorce that i dont want as i still love my husband.

When i do see him he seems so cross with me although it was him that had A and is still in that relationship. He has put on loads of weight, stopped going gym started smoking again after quitting 4 years ago and is now drinking regularly whereas before he only drank occasionally. He tells me he is very very happy yet i dont see how.

How can the man that i knew for over 20 years changed so much from a family man who loved his kids to a man that i dont even recognise. How do they walk away from the kids and put a new person above their own flesh and blood.

Please can someone tell me as im at a loss to know why.

I dont think i will ever get the answers that i want. I know i was/am not perfect but i never cheated. Sometimes with all the anger that has been directed at me from him, his parents and family , friends and our children. Sometimes i wish i had then i would have deserved the pain that has been inflicted on me.

Does he feel any pain or does he get to walk on without a backward glance. I so wish i could turn the switch off just like he seems to have done.

Sorry for rambling.

Me BS 42
WH 41
3 Teenage children
Married 22years
DDay 21.10.10
WH living with OW
in divorce

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: uk
♂ 18710
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no worries, anyone is welcome here. Read up on the "fog" in the healing library.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5418 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
♀ 24786
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, from one Brit to another welcome. You can post here whenever you want so don't apologise.

Why did he cheat? Because there is something unfulfilled inside of him that he thinks he can fill by leaving .... but he's WRONG- HE is the problem so leaving wouldn't fulfil him like he thought it would.

All he's done is take the problem (him) with him which is probably why he has started to smoke again and to drink more... leaving what he thought was the problem hasn't solved the issue so he's now using other crutches to try to make himself feel the 'happiness' that is alluding him (he doesn't understand that he can only find fulfilment by looking inside of himself and having extensive counselling to sort out what's broken in him instead of copping out by having an A)

Is he happy? I doubt it if he's stopped self caring say he doesn't go to the gym, smokes and drinks to excess- all these point to a man who is less happy now than he was.

I am sorry that you are in this position but keep posting here. Read the Healing Library-it will offer great advice and comfort for you.

Look after yourself and KEEP POSTING here

BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1622 | Registered: Jul 2009
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Welcome here. So sorry you had to join our club, but you will find lots of kinship and understanding from the folks here at SI.

Do what is best for yourself and your family. Making smart moves for your family however painful is something your children will thank you for when they are older.

Does he feel any pain or does he get to walk on without a backward glance. I so wish i could turn the switch off just like he seems to have done.

Gently now~ your WH has shown you and told you what he thinks of you and the marriage. He has clearly moved on. Believe Him. Please try not to rationalize Crazy! Don't concern yourself with any of his reasons, they are based in immorality and lies.

I know it hurts like hell. My situation is different (read my profile) but being blindsided by the one person in the world that you trust, love and had children for is earth-shattering!

Please, Please for your own mental health and self respect, Detach. See him for who he really is not who you wish he was.

He tells me he is very very happy...

Bullshit. The reason he is cross with you is because when he left you he was beautiful and strong. Now, now so much... and he knows it is all lies, to go along with the "I'm a married guy with kids acting like a single guy" lie.

I wish you peace in your life.

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
♀ 35227
Member # 35227
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you for everyones kind words. its a difficult place we find ourselves in.

Although i still love my stbxh i have realised that I CAN love my life without him, but i do wish he was still here. I know that will probably never happen.

I just wish he would be a dad to the children he was such a great dad always spending tie with them.

He is missing out and so much. They have grown up immensely since we seperated. i blame myself for that. As i crumbled and slipped into depression my children should never have had to see me like that.

But together somehow we have pulled through now he should step up and be a dad before its too late.

Me BS 42
WH 41
3 Teenage children
Married 22years
DDay 21.10.10
WH living with OW
in divorce

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: uk
♀ 21136
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Welcome to SI. An On & Off switch would be helpful, Yes? Thankfully, SI is here to make up for the lack of that switch.

Please visit often, and feel free to vent... we all need to let it out!

Best Wishes, Rella

Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!

Posts: 2208 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 6

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