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Newest Member: new2this2 (45757)

User Topic: question. Not sure how to word it
toyboyhurtme
♀ 28798
Member # 28798
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I guess this is for BS's whether you are still with your FWS or have moved on.

Before marrying - was cheating a dealbreaker for you? Then when it happened, did you give things another chance? or did you walk away?

Does it make a difference to what you do if you've been cheated on in a previous relationship?

If you've been cheated on and remarried, would you give your current So another chance at R if they cheated or would you walk immediately having btdt?


Posts: 125 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: uk
faithfulwife04
♀ 30704
Member # 30704
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before marrying, I never even considered the possibility of being cheated on, because I felt it was that unlikely to happen. I married young. Didn't date much before my husband, unless you include a boyfriend in high school. I was really naive.

I did choose to reconcile, but only because my husband became an open book, made immediate changes and stuck with them.

Infidelity became a new deal breaker from D-day on. There are no second chances coming from me. If my marriage ended for any reason (death or divorce), infidelity would absolutely be a deal breaker for any future relationships. I am definitely not doing this ever again.


Me-28 (BW)
Him - 33 (FWH)
D-Day - May 18, 2009 (he confessed)
In Recovery
4 children

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2011
macakipa
♀ 33735
Member # 33735
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before marrying - was cheating a dealbreaker for you? Then when it happened, did you give things another chance? or did you walk away?

I never thought I would be betrayed this way. Then I went through a phase when I thought it was just one A that maybe this marriage could be worked on. Of course, once I knew about all the other infidelities it was a definite deal breaker.


M -25 years, T - 31 years, 4 children
Dday October 8, 2011 - Multiple PAs and ONs
Divorced 1-8-13
"When you give a lot of importance to someone in your life, you lose your importance in their life."

Posts: 952 | Registered: Oct 2011
faithfulwife04
♀ 30704
Member # 30704
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry. Repeated my post by accident.

[This message edited by faithfulwife04 at 7:42 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)]


Me-28 (BW)
Him - 33 (FWH)
D-Day - May 18, 2009 (he confessed)
In Recovery
4 children

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2011
respectfulinfla
♂ 17810
Member # 17810
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always said if she cheats - then it's over but I found myself not as strong as I should have been. I should have respected myself enough to walk away and start a new life.

I think all circumstances are different though - someone having a ONS and confessing and asking for forgiveness is different in my eyes than someone having a LTA, where emotional attachment occurs.

Each person is different - some people on here have found happiness in staying with WS and others have not, so there is no absolute answer.


Me - 35
Her - 31
DDay # 1 - Oct 12th
DDay # 2 - Dec 30th
DDay # 3 - Apr 8th
DDay # 4 - May 13th (got the whole ugly truth)

Posts: 397 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NC
Weatherly
♀ 18222
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before my ex husband, I always said cheating was a deal breaker, but, it ended up not being. It ended up contributing to the breakdown, but it, in and of itself was not a deal breaker.

Now, I'm in a new relationship, and I have no idea if it would be or not. I think I'd still be married if ex had done any of the things I asked and hadn't become abusive, I still think we may have been able to work it out. So, I can't say that if in the future my SO had a ons, admitted it and worked on us, that the cheating would be a deal breaker.

[This message edited by Weatherly at 8:01 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)]


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4502 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
RS2731
♀ 33947
Member # 33947
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before marrying - was cheating a dealbreaker for you? Then when it happened, did you give things another chance? or did you walk away?

Yes, it was. I had been cheated on in previous relationships and I always walked away. I had told my WH from the beginning that cheating was a dealbreaker - just divorce me if you want to be with someone else.

Does it make a difference to what you do if you've been cheated on in a previous relationship?

Apparently. Maybe it's because we had so much history together (13 years). Maybe because my previous relationships were never longer than 2 years or so, I never really developed a mature, deep love that comes from spending so much time with one person. Maybe it's because we have a son. I didn't stay initially because I was worried about a broken home (I grew up in a broken home and I turned out fine). Initially I stayed because I hadn't done anyhing wrong and there was NO WAY I was going to have my son part time. Lucky for WH that he's been remorseful and transparent and working his ass off to remind me of who I fell in love with. Lucky for him that I still love him enough to allow myself to give him another chance.

I will say this, though (and I've told WH this). There is no other chance. If I ever find out about another A, I will change the locks that day and file for D immediately. Next time I will heal only for me and my son, not for him.


Me - BS, 36
Him - WH, 36
Married - 11 years
DS - 4
D-Day - September 2011
In process of R.

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.


Posts: 2213 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CT
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before my ex husband, I always said cheating was a deal breaker, but, it ended up not being. It ended up contributing to the breakdown, but it, in and of itself was not a deal breaker.

This.

It wasn't the cheating that ended my marriage. It was the passive aggression, the avoidance, the anger, the refusal to communicate, the refusal to compromise, the selfishness, the smirk that said he knew he was wrong but refused to admit it (to anyone, including himself).

I would have given him a second chance if it was just about the cheating. But it wasn't.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13880 | Registered: Jul 2011
trebleclef
♀ 33488
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DITTO Amazonia


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
FeelingMN
♂ 32240
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before marriage cheating was a dealbreaker. I didn't think I would stay. I have stayed and for the longest time I felt it was a decision made by a weak man. I say that I wouldn't stay if it happened again and I'm pretty sure it would be true, but I was wrong the first time. I never expected I would have had to deal with any of this.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Grasshopper
♀ 35007
Member # 35007
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before marrying - was cheating a dealbreaker for you? Then when it happened, did you give things another chance? or did you walk away?

Before marrying, yes I thought that cheating would be a deal breaker. When it did happen, I wanted to walk away and came very close (on the verge of throwing some clothes and the kids in the car and driving to my parents)but I didn't.

Does it make a difference to what you do if you've been cheated on in a previous relationship?

The only other relationship I was cheated on was the one where I was (unfortunately) the only one who considered it exclusive. I walked away from that one.


DD 9-13-10

Posts: 75 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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