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Newest Member: Alone73 (46062)

User Topic: I think I need to begin the 180 this weekend, but I need help
JandAandE
♀ 34988
Member # 34988
Question  Posted: 4:23 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted yesterday about H's refusal to respect what I consider to be very reasonable boundaries:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=452464

When I got home from work this morning, he kissed me goodbye before he left. In a passive aggressive moment, I said, "I'll kiss you because that's one of my rules, but you should know that today my heart isn't behind it." He said something to the effect of, "Not like it ever was anyhow," and the conversation morphed into a 5 minute blow-up. Radio silence ever since.

So I think (know?) that I need to begin the 180. After 2 years, we are not making the progress I had hoped for, and while I'll own my part of that, I think much of it has to do with his tendency to ridicule my expectations and feelings. He simply isn't getting it, nor is he making any effort to try.

Which leads me to contemplating the 180...yet again. I've attempted it a couple times in the past, but I'm never strong enough to stick with it. So I'm thinking of trying to take 180 baby steps, if you will, and try to just make it through this weekend. Here's what I have planned out in my mind:

Tonight: Be cordial for the 30 minutes that I'll see him before I go to work. We have to discuss our taxes, but I will not bring up anything else. No kiss goodbye.

Tomorrow: Pick up some mulch after getting off work in the morning. Come home and sleep for a couple hours (which is usually an effort in futility, but I'll try anyhow). Take the kids outside and have them help me in the garden. Supposed to be 70 and sunny :)

Tomorrow evening: Make supper, continue to be cordial, and take myself to see The Hunger Games. I've been waiting for him to take me to see it, but damn it, I don't want to wait anymore. Plus, I like going to the movies by myself.

Sunday: Take the kids to the local Children's Museum. Extend the invitation to him, but remain only cordial if he chooses to attend. Back to work for me Sunday night.

When I lay it out like that, it seems like something I could manage. And all the things I've planned (aside form working night shift...ugh) are things that make me really happy.

Am I on the right track? I feel so lost with this and am afraid of being weak again.


Me: Madhatter
Him: Madhatter
My affair: 2007 for 3 months; confessed in 2010
His affairs: 2009 (ONS) and 2010 (3 months); I caught him.
Us: Married since '05; 3 kids ages 9, 6, and 18 months & another on the way.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest
JandAandE
♀ 34988
Member # 34988
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping for the night owls. I still have 7.5 hours of my work shift left, so I'm lurking here.

I've already f'ed up on two counts with my 180. First, although the kids and I ate dinner before he got home, I left it out for him instead of putting it in the fridge. And when I left for work, he kissed me goodbye and I allowed it. So I already feel like I'm off to a shitty start.

He sent me yet another email telling me that I'm making a little email to an old friend into the "end of the world" and he doesn't believe that I love him, yada, yada, yada...basically a whole page of essentially saying, "Here's some more reasons you're wrong and I'm right." Puke.

I'm not going to respond, and I'm going to do my best to stick with my 180 over the weekend.

This would probably be a good time to find a IC too, huh? Another thing I haven't followed through on.

[This message edited by JandAandE at 11:28 PM, April 13th (Friday)]


Me: Madhatter
Him: Madhatter
My affair: 2007 for 3 months; confessed in 2010
His affairs: 2009 (ONS) and 2010 (3 months); I caught him.
Us: Married since '05; 3 kids ages 9, 6, and 18 months & another on the way.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My MC told my WH and me that we were just talking past each other ... that we were both so combustable that it didn't take anything to set the other off.

I feel like you trapped in a similar cycle too. A constant game of saying things are unacceptable without there being true consequences.

So he can push boundaries and the only thing that happens is an email war between the two of you.

180 is the only way off the roller coaster for sure.

IC is a good start too.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3208 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
STLLady
♀ 34205
Member # 34205
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180 is our best defense when we are dealing with an unrepentant unremorseful WS.

They do not believe that you will stand up for yourself and that you will take their emotional abuse.

Refuse to be his punching bag.

Show him what life will be like without your energy and affection going to his direction.

And, while you are engaging in a 180 - really start to focus 100% of your energy on yourself and your recovery.

He is spending his time focusing his self, when he should be doing whatever it takes for you.

Do not add to his ego by giving him more attention and focus that he deserves.

It is about you, right now. And he needs to realize this (And so do you)


Married 09.13.03
Divorced 09.14.12
xH - MA

Posts: 74 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Saint Louis
WhiistleSt0p
♀ 29762
Member # 29762
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, April 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I wouldn't be extending ANY invitations.


I wish you peace, and calm moments, a perfect flower bloom or ray of sunshine. Allow pieces of joy to warm you on the inside, and put one foot in front of the other.

Me: BS 53/FWW 2001- in my prev M
Him: WH 65
OW: 64 (Phone calls for high sch


Posts: 1782 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: OKC
Jayne Doe
♀ 32664
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, April 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree no invitations.

Take the kids out on Sunday but don't invite him to go with.
That will definitely send a message.


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, April 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No kissy-kissy. No invitations. No passive-aggressive comments. No emails. No contact.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10158 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 7

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