Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: If your WS went on years later to have another A can I ask?.....
MrsDoubtfire
♀ 24786
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THIS is my number one fear... that FWH will go on to have another A years down the line.

I have seen a couple of posters today who have stated this very thing.. they joined in 2002 (for example) appeared to R and their WS went on to have another A so they are D'ing.

I NEED to know: If this is you- do you think your R was false?
Did you rugsweep?
Did your WS do everything possible to R and did they 'get it'? If they did what did or didn't they do to stop a further A?

I guess what I really want to know is whether a truly remorseful FWH (like mine) who is utterly disgusted with himself and has made himself accountable to his pastor, to me and to his IC and has put in 2 years of IC...whether any of you will say THIS was your story also but it STILL didn't work??

ETA: Or is it more the unrepentant WS's who seem to have another A years later?

And what were the years like in between? WERE there differences etc?

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 2:03 PM, April 16th (Monday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1588 | Registered: Jul 2009
time2Bstronger
♀ 34715
Member # 34715
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrs. Doubt,
I should not give advice to anyone at this time, but I can recount my past experiences. 12 years ago, my husband had an affair that lasted approximately 3-4 months. He was young, had not had much experience with other women before we got together. She was older and a bartender. Although he spent the night out several times, he still refuses to disclose PA..says they never were alone and me, being the fool I used to be, believed him. When he realized that I was finally fully committed to going on with my life without him, he came back begging and broke off all contact with OW. We became pregnant w/ my son immediately and I do not regret my decision to take him back at all because of my son. He was very remorseful ( I think - I hadn't found this place and we just went on like before the affair), but he was very loving and caring. We had many very good years together afterwards, faced much difficulty together and I believed we were stronger for it. I even remember thinking that the affair was a good thing after the hurt healed (remember, I still believed somewhat that it wasn't PA) All of a sudden, my perfect husband became someone else entirely two 1/2 years ago. It started with what I consider strange/perverted sexual fantasies that we had to act out every night to bi-sexual computer stuff, massive amounts of porn, an enttense EA with a girl half his age that led to lies, deceit that I never knew any person could be capable of, craigslist trolling for both males/females, AFF (adult friend finder for casual sex), multiple profiles on dating sites, a brief "relationship" that he finally admitted was PA and now, I'm going to talk to another one that he claims is just a "friend" although I found incriminating e-mails...and this is just the stuff I found! He is much more technically savvy than me. So, he says he wants to save our marriage and make it better, but I feel the same as you. What if I sstay with him and a decade from now...My children will be grown and I could end up all alone. It's scary. Please though, don't think your husband WILL behave this way just cause mine did. I think there is something really wrong with mine.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Feb 2012
MrsDoubtfire
♀ 24786
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please though, don't think your husband WILL behave this way just cause mine did. I think there is something really wrong with mine.

Thanks for this insight. (I have read your post too about the email your husband has sent to his co-worker and it sent shivers down my spine.)


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1588 | Registered: Jul 2009
aesir
♂ 17210
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXW did just this. But she was foggy as hell during the first one, took forever to get out of the fog (if at all), and never really learned anything or recovered. In fact, I think she was a bit foggy all along, trying to blame me to justify what she had done. I guess I kinda suspected that this was coming all along, pretty much recovered on my own.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband was very remorseful the first time and appeared to do and say all the right things. I truly felt he "got it" and was completely blindsided seven years later when he did it again.

We had addressed our relationship, my pain, his loneliness, and so many other things but we never addresses his boundaries, his need to make everyone feel better about him/herself, and his need to be the hero. All those things combined to create a vulnerability that was never worked on.

We've addressed them now but I doubt I'll ever trust him as I once did. He's a wonderful, thoughtful person and I truly want him in my life but the thought of moving ahead without him is not unappealing at all. Third strike and he's out.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4271 | Registered: Sep 2005
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This happened to me. My WXH was not truly remorseful, IMHO.

I think that he and her felt that I made them end their A, and that they were soulmates, blah blahb blah. Like the only thing standing between them and eternal bliss was.... a wife.

I feel that my WXH was not remorseful, and that he did not fully commit to R. His inability to disclose all to me kept the hope alive for the Affair.

I did not rugsweep, and I feel that my R was false. I was Plan B, as long as I wanted to continue to be treated like shit.

The 2 years in between the A and the sequel were pure hell for me. Tiptoeing around his "happiness issues", trying to please him, wondering what he was thinking - if he was thinking of her....

Fuck that. I deserve to be cherished.

At the end, I told him "BE my husband, or let me go to find someone that will".


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7820 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Angelstar5
♀ 35276
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, mine is a bit different. My husband was sober the first 7 years of our marriage, then relapsed and had a ons with a Mexican whore in a brothel...ok...a hooker. This was around 1993 or so. I didn't find out for a few years, after I had my son. We had been married nearly 10 yrs at that point. It nearly killed me as that was the one thing I never worried about...ever.

Fast forward Xmas 2010....I busted him sending massive amounts of texts and calling a woman from work he constantly talked about her to me and how her husband was cheating on her and left her and she was diagnosed with an incurable neuro disease etc. but soon I realized that he had developed feelings for her and forced him into NC...btw tonight he admitted he went to dinner with her and a friend once and he liked her because he didn't have to hid his drinking from her.

Fast forward again to December 2011 he started seeing high priced..500.00 per hr hooker..which is insane since he makes 25.00 hour...,ore than half a weeks pay..which he was seeing her weekly...while I worked my ass off to pay our bills...grrrrr. He slept with her half a dozen times.

Now tonight he admitted he had fantasies of our MC!!! The one we had for his alcoholism, and that there were a couple of ladies he was friends with, but they never reciprocated his innuendos of sex...like I caught him talking to a friend I didn't know named Maria , one day as she got out of the shower he text her and she wrote back she looked like a wet dog, and he responded I'd like a pic of the wet dog...grrrrr. Again I demanded nc.

Much of this came out at dinner tonight that he was looking for someone to connect with because he couldn't be drunk around me, and missed sex and being himself around a female...aka drunk asshole. I wouldn't let him drink hits daily pint or more of vodka around me so he ended up having to pay for it.

Yes they can of course cheat again. It was 18 yrs apart, but it happened and could have been worse if any of these women had wanted him.

I'm with you..hurt, confused angry and wanting to save my marriage and pray for something good to happen. At least today he is sober.


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
MrsDoubtfire
♀ 24786
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes they can of course cheat again. It was 18 yrs apart, but it happened and could have been worse if any of these women had wanted him.

Angelstar5, how awful for you. Your response really made me feel sad at what he's put you through


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1588 | Registered: Jul 2009
Grace N Peace
♀ 34912
Member # 34912
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH had an A in 2007. He stills claims that something that lasted 5 months only went as far as kissing. I confronted him on a guess and he admitted it. We went through about 3 months of A fallout. He was there for me, but never worked on himself, so we basically rugswept. I never asked him to leave his job and he remained "friends" with her. Sad part is I still believed his lies and trusted him completely again.
FF to fall 2008. New job, new affair. This one went on for a year. Full blown EA/PA, no doubts as to what went on.
This time he is working on himself. He now gets that he has a need to be everything to everyone and is working to change that. He has become more spiritual. We are now working on 2 1/2 years and still dealing with the fallout and he seems to face it head on. It is sad though that I am at a point where it is 3 strikes you are out and I am ok with that. I will never trust him again like I once did.


Me BW
Him WH
DS 21 (mine), DD 10 (ours)
Married 12 Years
Dday 1 10/07 skanky looking horse face
Dday 2 9/14/09 MOW -the company mattress

Posts: 94 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
roccodom
♀ 19714
Member # 19714
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well - A #1 (5 months)- we did go to MC but I accepted the blame. He screamed and was verbally abusive afterward until I shut up - rugsweep.

11 years later A#2 (3 months then 5 months of FalseR) . Went to IC and MC. He definitely didn't get it at first since he continued to lie and break NC. He would change his number then give it to her. It was brutal. After finding out about FalseR - I thought he "got it" had a good year then slid right back to the person who would have an A. For a 18 months, I told him and our MC - it's back to the way it was.

One thing...make sure he follows through on everything. You have a sense in your gut whether he's genuine or not. If he is proactive and not just doing as you say - that's a good sign.


BS - me (45) WS - him (45)
married 16 yrs (DS 11yrs, DD 9yrs)
#1 PA - DDay 12/97
#2 PA DDay 5/08
#3 PA DDay 2/12
Trying R
Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security.


Posts: 791 | Registered: May 2008 | From: MO
dontknowwhyme
♂ 21587
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can certainly happen. I honestly thought that our R was going well for a long time. My XWW seemed to be working on her issues. I was beginning to get comfortable in the marriage. I started to regain trust, and I forgave her. I started to even look forward to renewing our vows.

Then I began to get that feeling in my gut again that something was just not right. I was right and I filed right away. I soon found out that she really never changed her ways. The R was a waste of two years of my life.

I thought she was working hard. We did not rug sweep. She did everything I thought she should do to R. I thought she was remorseful. I WAS WRONG. She just got better at fooling me.

[This message edited by dontknowwhyme at 7:45 AM, April 17th (Tuesday)]


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 1009 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Skye
325
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know many people don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater. I do believe that about my husband. I don't know if my husband has cheated more than once. He got caught once.

I decided, for myself, to stay in the marriage. But I am expecting him to cheat again. I will stay if I catch him again, because I don't love him now and want his paycheck and health insurance. I have struggled to learn to live as a single woman after 35 years as a couple. It works for me.

I would suggest you decide what you want. If you believe right now he is remorseful and love him and still want a marriage with him, I would try to live like the reconciliation is real. But I also think you need to decide what you will do if it happens again, so you're not blindsided.

None of us have a crystal ball. My biggest advice would be to know yourself and take care of yourself.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Jul 2002
changed forever
♀ 6995
Member # 6995
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine was never truly remorseful. Regretful, yes, mostly because he got caught - but not remorseful.

At the moment I would bet money that he's not doing anything wrong.

However, he turns 49 this year. He's always felt very sorry for himself about getting older, and I know 50 is going to hit him hard. It will not surprise me one... little... bit if at some point this year or next, he goes off the rails again. I'm more or less expecting it.


Mad hatters.
Him: 51
Me: 50
Married 23 years.

My DDay No. 1: April 2, '04
DDay No. 2: June 23, '04
DDay No. 3: July '04

We don't live together, but we haven't actually divorced yet.


Posts: 541 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Far from home
Topic Posts: 13

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.