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devistatedmom posted 4/21/2012 14:30 PM

Any ideas on what book might help me with my daughter?

13 soon
daddy's little girl
hit hard by him walking out, divorce, him with other women...
will never voice her opinion to dad because she doesn't ever want to upset him
acts like I'm just the maid, any conversation turns into an argument
bursts into tears, runs to room

I know many of these could just be typical teenage hormone girl stuff. She hasn't started her Period yet; it could be soon. What I need help with is how to deal with her, when I can totally see her playing the I can't live with you I'm going to go live with dad card at some point. Some days I feel like she's only here because she doesn't want to leave her school, that she doesn't want to be with me at all and it's ok to treat me like poop. I have no idea if dad is encouraging this behaviour or not; he's almost lost son for good a few times because of his behaviour; daughter can do no wrong in his eyes.

I can deal with the behaviour; I work with troubled teens. What I can't work with is the threat that she may take off to dad's one day. Help?

Lucky2HaveMe posted 4/21/2012 18:10 PM

I dont have a book suggestion, but thinking that maybe counseling would be beneficial?

devistatedmom posted 4/21/2012 19:24 PM

I tried counselling for both the kids after XH walked out. They basically refused to talk to him, and then said it was stupid, they would never do it again. I may push the issue at some point, but it will be her and I together at first.

I guess my big problem is I don't know how to make consequences stick when she can throw out that threat anytime. I haven't felt like DS would ever use that as leverage....I totally believe she will

Lucky2HaveMe posted 4/21/2012 20:56 PM

Maybe counseling for you to figure out how to handle the whole sitch? It cant be easy especially without support from dad.

sad12008 posted 4/23/2012 21:22 PM

Get Out of My Life! (but first will you take me and Cheryl to the mall?)

Resonates like a gong, at least around here!

Your DD sounds spot on for her age, with or without divorce, etc.; however, I imagine with your DD all the behaviors are geometrically increased due to the additional stressors.

Herewego posted 4/23/2012 21:47 PM

I have a daughter and the 13-14 year age is awful no matter what is going on. According to my daughter, I was suddenly an idiot and I embarrassed her all the time. I managed to get through it. The hardest is to insist on respectful communication. They must be called out whenever they show no respect.. roll their eyes, etc. Won't be easy.

As far as pulling the "I will go to dad" card, I had a friend with this situation. Her daughter chose to leave and live with dad because he gave her what she wanted. My friend was sad, but realized what she was doing. She used to say to me that she had her for 13 years and was glad for that time.

However, as her daughter became an adult, she realized how shallow dad had been. My friend now has a great relationship with her daughter. It is built on love and respect.

Just keep loving her and giving her boundaries. She will fight it, but I think her security rests in knowing someone will love her enough to discipline her. If she wants to threaten you and say she will leave, be honest. Let her know it will hurt you, but you still love her.

I hope all works out okay. I am sorry you have had this happen.

meaniemouse posted 4/24/2012 12:06 PM

Having had 3 daughters I certainly feel your pain. The Get Out of My Life book is a good one--there's also another one -- I'm not mad--I just hate you--or something like that. I got through three of them with a great deal of wine and some comforting friends.

The other deal on --"I want to go live with dad"--I didn't have that issue but a good friend of mine did and the idea of it almost killed her. She asked me for advice and I told her to let her daughter go. In this case my friend and her ex lived 600 miles apart. I told my friend that her daughter needed to know that there was no revolving door and if she made the decision to live with her father she would have to stay there at least a whole year (because of school). My friend was honest and said that it would hurt her and that she would miss her but if that's what her daughter wanted she wouldn't stand in her way. Once the decision was up to the daughter she decided not to go.

Also--I did find with my girls that as soon as I had my own interests to occupy my time and didn't have as much time for them they decided they liked me again. Go figure.

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 12:06 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)]