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How do I know he cares

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wolf_heart posted 4/26/2012 23:05 PM

Having problems dealing with my insecurities. I know he is busy and can't just call when I need to talk. I know he can't e-mail me with love letters or send pictures to me to reassure me of his love. I know that I have to wait till he can answer my questions, but honestly having issues with it.
He had plenty of time to e-mail, call, text, send pictures, and be with her plenty during their A. Why then can't he be available for me? Can he not see my pain associated with it. Especially the neglect he gave me during the A.
I know I need to be patient, but honestly is it too much to ask to have at least some of the level of attention that he was able to give the OW? Am I being unreasonable in my thinking? I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. I feel all the unwanted, undesirable, rejected, insufficient, and betrayal that I did on the months leading up to and weeks after D-Day.
I just feel horrible right now.

[This message edited by wolf_heart at 11:06 PM, April 26th (Thursday)]

Ariel73 posted 4/26/2012 23:14 PM


I know how you're feeling. And he probably does, too. I think, for now, you should give him the benefit of the doubt. I had a lot of the same feelings, and he was in the middle of a meeting, or driving, he couldn't respond at those times. He loves you. He does. Give it time.

It sucks being a betrayed spouse. I never thought anything could suck this badly. Things will surely get better.

take care.

RidingHealingRd posted 4/26/2012 23:26 PM

Am I being unreasonable in my thinking?

Absolutely not!

HE created your insecurities, he must alleviate them.

I am not quite getting it...Why can't he call when you need to talk? Why can't he text? Why must you wait to get a much deserved answer?

Have you told him how you feel?

You seem to expect so much of yourself when really, you need to expect so much more from your WH.


wolf_heart posted 4/27/2012 09:29 AM

He was tired and had paperwork to do. He did eventually call. He works 48 hour shifts so he is gone for long periods of time and they are really hard on me right now. During the A he would hardly talk to me, but the phone records show lots of text, pictures sent, e-mail replies from his phone, etc. to the OW. He usually is an early to bed kind of guy yet there are several nights when he would call her late into the night and talk for over an hour. I get the "I don't like to talk on the phone at work" song and dance. He at least is now calling me before he goes to bed at night. I just need more attention. I know he is trying, but it isn't enough. I still feel that if she could get so much why then am I not able to. Why when something came so easy for him to do for her is it a struggle for him to do it for me.
It isn't fair.He makes me feel pathetic. I have explained that I don't like being ignored. I have shown him the phone records to show him I was being ignored and just how much contact he had with her. I don't expect that level of contact, just more then what I am getting now. Like a few simple e-mails though-out the day saying he loves me would be nice. If he could send her over 50 from his phone in a month, plus the ones from his computer then what is wrong with 1-3 a day to me? Just short ones. I have expressed this to him and he says he isn't doing it because it would seem he is doing it because he did it for her so he is now doing it for me. That I would think that is the only reason. When I am asking him to do something so damn simple for me I think he should just do it.

Minerva posted 4/27/2012 10:06 AM

I feel your pain. I too am oversensitive and get upset when H fails to call, email, text during the day, and yes, I know he's busy but yes, he did it for the OW during the A so why can't he do it for me?

Some days he does and I'm pathetically grateful - I try not to show this though, and just text a friendly/ funny message back. But the days he forgets or (probably, to be fair) is genuinely too busy? I look at my phone constantly and convince myself he's somewhere he shouldn't be. And I fell unloved, unwanted - you may or may not be thinking unreasonably wolf_heart, but you're certainly not alone.

I think I have finally got through to my H that "If I do it for you you'll just think I feel guilty because I did it for her and that's the only reason I'm doing it" is crap. My response was: "Try it and see. OK, if I respond by accusing you of that, you've proved your point and I'll accept it. If not, please accept the request I'm making and see that I need this level of reassurance at the moment."

But he made me insecure and caused me not to trust him through his behaviour.

[This message edited by Minerva at 10:11 AM, April 27th (Friday)]

inca posted 4/27/2012 10:30 AM

Just a suggestion.... Why don't you write him a letter telling him how he has made you feel and what you need to feel better and why he should do it and ask him to respond in writing addressing these points and requests. I did that and it helped and when he neglected to do what I asked in a few areas, we talked about it. This is still an ongoing process for me but that was a good starting point. I think what you are Needing is totally reasonable.

AthensGirl posted 4/27/2012 11:39 AM

No, I do not think you are being unreasonable at ALL! I think you arwe absolutely right in thinking he can call, text, email you when afterall he could do this at will with OW.

I feel the same way or I DID feel the same way before. I am now trying to get STBXH out of my head as he certainly does not deserve to be in my thoughts!!!


wolf_heart posted 4/27/2012 19:04 PM

Thank you all. I e-mailed him with some of my thoughts. I just feel so needy. He agreed to do as he normally would do or act upon without thinking of me taking it the wrong way. I agreed to let him know if it triggers something. I told him what triggers is him not doing things. Like him mentioning the sunrise this morning and not sending a picture of it. Something I know he did for the OW. I asked and got my picture, but at the expense of me crying about it waiting and then crying when I got the picture.
I so wish I could feel normal and just happy with what he does.

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