SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

HardenMyHeart posted 6/11/2012 00:17 AM

Just finished reading this excellent book by Leonard Scheff and Susan Edmiston. I give it a big thumbs up.

This book is not necessarily about infidelity, but if you're still struggling with anger as a result of the affair (or other things), this book is very helpful in teaching you to overcoming that anger. Although the title says, "A Zen Approach", a previous knowledge of buddhism or Zen is not required. The book is filled with much insight and common sense approaches for dealing with a variety of situations that lead to anger and provide constructive ways for dealing with it.

As many of us have learned, anger can be very toxic to R as well as your overall health. The chapter on, transforming anger to compassion, really hits home if you're still struggling with the anger caused by a WS.

Sad in AZ posted 6/11/2012 06:53 AM

Sounds interesting; I'll have to check it out. I'm not really into self-help books, but I realize that I'm dealing with a lot of repressed anger right now, and I have to figure it out before I do anymore damage. I just got my 3 traffic ticket in 2 years (also got off with 2 other warnings!) I don't like this person I've become...

Exit Wounds posted 6/11/2012 08:01 AM

The book sounds great, but can you give us maybe some tips and insights/tools that we can use without reading the book (yet). I am super busy this summer with school, kids and work that I am not sure I can fit a book into my schedule.

I apprecite any help you could share....

Thanks!

Maatkare3 posted 6/11/2012 09:56 AM

No soliciting.

[This message edited by Fallen at 11:20 AM, June 15th (Friday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 6/11/2012 10:23 AM

Hi Exit Wounds. Here are the most frequently quoted passages:

1. "We are what we think. All that we are arises with out thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world."

2. "The cause of anger is simple: Anger rises when we have an unmet demand."

3. "If you can pause to consider what your demand (or need or expectation) is when you feel anger arising, you will have gone a long way toward changing it."

4. "Change comes, not by struggling to change or by fighting or disciplining oneself, but by becoming aware of what we are feeling and how we habitually act."

5. "Holding onto anger is giving someone else free rent in your head."

6. "What we observe in the moment is what we know. The rest is all interpretation based on a filter of past experiences that may or may not have any relevance."

7. "It's not as important that you identify the correct demand as it is that you pause to ask yourself what it is. The pause, in and of itself, reduces your anger."

8. "We may believe that we know what another person is thinking, but most often our efforts at "mind reading" are projections of our own inner, self-centered concerns."

9. "A saying comes to mind: Anger is as good at solving problems as a fan is at stacking papers."

10. "Most of the time, when people act offensively, their behavior is not aimed at us. Even if there is no doubt the offender is talking to you, or interacting with you, what he says most likely has nothing to do with you you are or what you have done. It's not personal; he doesn't know you. You just happen to be a stage prop in an internal drama taking place in his mind."

Source: http://www.susanedmiston.com/blog.htm

Sad in AZ posted 6/11/2012 10:44 AM

I purchased it for my Nook at about the same price as the Kindle. I just love the analogy of the title

Exit Wounds posted 6/11/2012 10:55 AM

HardenMyHeart, thank you!!!!!!!!!!

Maatkare3 posted 6/11/2012 11:03 AM

No Soliciting.

[This message edited by Fallen at 11:21 AM, June 15th (Friday)]

blueberry posted 7/24/2012 23:55 PM

Thanks.
Just reserved in on CD format from my library. Now I can listen to it in my car

Helen of Troy posted 7/25/2012 08:59 AM

Added to wishlist! Thanks for the rec.

m334455 posted 7/25/2012 13:29 PM

Thanks. I was just looking for anger management stuff last night.