SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Heartbroke40 posted 7/15/2012 19:55 PM

Let me start off with that I have been married for 18 years. It has not been a big bunch of roses during all that time. I am the father of 3 and just turned 40. I was not happy with my marriage after the first couple of years and pretty much tried to make it implode. My wife and I did finally split up and but I came to my senses and pulled my head out of my butt. We came to some agreements and I promised her I would do my best to be the man she deserved. This was over 6 years ago, I am not saying I have been perfect but honest, faithful and loving I have done.

Now I have found out that my wife has been carrying on a sexual relationship for the last 2 years with a co worker. Which did take me by surprise to say the least. I don't know what to do now or where to turn. I feel like when I was an ass she tried everything to make me happy, then when I reversed and wanted to do right by her and our family she went off the deep end.

I don't know if this can be repaired. How do you get the images out of your mind of the women you love being someone else's booty call? She stated she had no feeling for the OM but it was just easy and an escape from what was her life. I do love her more than I can relate in words but I also feel disgust from what she has done and how little respect she has had for our family. She had this OM in our home in our sons bed and a few other places I am sure she has not totally admitted to. My first instinct was to go straight for the D but after thinking about it she is still the person who I want to grow old with. My W says this was the worst mistake of her life and wishes she could take it all back, but she has lied to me so much it is hard to believe her now.

If anyone knows how to get me past this, I would forever be in your debt. It has been 3 weeks since I found out about the affair but it doesn't seem to be letting up at all. I keep thinking about it and seeing it over and over in my mind.

I posted this on another site about 2 weeks ago. My spouse is betrayerb40 and also posts on this site. You can see her story in the WW forums. My main question is should I tell the school of the OM's transgressions with my wife and other teachers as he is in an admin position.

momxgbg posted 7/15/2012 20:52 PM

should I tell the school of the OM's transgressions with my wife and other teachers as he is in an admin position

If you are also willing for your wife to lose her job, then yes. I'm not sure about the other teachers, but the OM's direct superior should definately know.

reallyscrewedup7 posted 7/15/2012 21:12 PM

Heartbroke

Exposure is critical. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. You just found out. Document, document, document. But expose.

However, get to a laywer first and get whatever paperwork or protection you need in place first.

Look, you need to get to a place of safety in your marriage. Exposure is CRITICAL. Yes, she will likely lose her job, but if this DB is her supervisor, sue the fucking hell out of the school district for sexual harassment and get at least some of the settlement $. (That is why you need to see a lawyer IMMEDIATELY)

You also need to get STD testing done, paternity testing done, and prepare your evacuation plan in case she balks at R. Your wife was an intentional, destructive, soulless liar for so long. It is impossible for the brain to suddenly rewire itself. She will continue those behaviors and it will cause you pain. Your job is protect yourself from the pain. Saving the family is a noble goal, but if you make it your priority over your healing, YOU WILL GET NEITHER.

Please, please, please protect yourself. Healing only starts once the bleeding stops...

Doc RSU

nuance posted 7/15/2012 21:24 PM

Is your W still employed there? You should expose it.
If he's not fired she should quit.

Talk to a lawyer.

Heartbroke40 posted 7/15/2012 22:12 PM

My wife has agreed to quit working for the school if she cannot find another school to go to. She is doing all she can to help me through this but there a is burn to this only other BS can feel.

I know my wife did this to me but I can't help but want to make this SOB to pay. He has shaken my hand and been at multiple functions with me and my WW. My being from the South have ideas how to take care of people like this, but it seems in this day and age you are better off hitting them in the wallet than in the gut. Still the idea of just doing it once brings such a smile to my face in a time that I mostly want to cry.

[This message edited by Heartbroke40 at 10:17 PM, July 15th (Sunday)]

beenthere2? posted 7/15/2012 23:05 PM

In my district, if there was proof, both parties would be fired. Neither would be rehired in the district and surrounding districts would know if they committed the acts during the work day.

Jrazz posted 7/15/2012 23:14 PM

Welcome, Heartbroke40. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position.

I remember the strong feelings of wanting revenge I had towards Coworker OW when I first found out about the A.

Thankfully it never got past the point of fantasy. I found myself furious that FWH brought this kind of chaos and drama into out daughter's life, and it occurred to me that taking action against the COW would keep the drama mill running.

We all want to DESTROY the OP. You're not alone in this. More than that, though, we want to set ourselves apart from these people who so wantonly wreak destruction on everybody else's life for their own selfish gain.

I say focus on getting WW out of that school, and treat OM like the piece of garbage that he is. Not worthy of your time or notice.

Now is the time to create as much peace as you can for your sons as their parents struggle through this difficult time.

I'm not saying you can't feel vengeful. I still do, and the ideas that bubble through my head are not pretty. But do you want this dude showing up at your doorstep po'd because he (deservedly) lost his job?

I'd rather just never hear his name again.

(((H40)))

avicarswife posted 7/16/2012 01:57 AM

If the OM is married I would certainly ensure his spouse knows about the PA. I don't know about the school - perhaps only if he is your wife's supervisor.
If your wife has agreed to quit her job that is great - NC is imperative and if they work at the same school however big it is they will meet up. Make sure she follows through and leaves her job. If you do let the school know it is likely to impact on her reference and her ability to get another job - this could end up back firing on you.
Take care HB40.

Lovedyoumore posted 7/16/2012 10:44 AM

If you have proof, send it. The cover up is never good or healing. Unless your IC or MC sees a reason or threat at exposure, go for it. I wish we could do that but the OW is a sociopath and we have been warned against any contact.

wanttogoforward posted 7/16/2012 13:08 PM

This one is tricky.... as someone in a similar position as your wife I would first find out what her rights are........... is she in a union??? Generally when an affair occurs the person in the administation is in BIG trouble, and the person under them not so much. What have the consequences been for others in similar positions in her district?
If she's in a private school there are no rights and she will likely lose her job. If it's public, then there's a good chance not, but there still may be changes in store... a transfer for either her or the supervisor/administrator if he is her direct supervisor.... they really frown upon this behavior..... another thought to find out........... is there ANY TRACE of this affair on the internet through work email??? ANY flirting- anything? These emails are public record (in a public school) and could be out there for others to request and get............ pray these do not exist or she could be in huge trouble............ and yet, with all these possible consequences I still think you should go to her administrators supervisor......... this could end up to be a case of sexual harassment for the school (at least that's a possibility from his boss' standpoint).

Heartbroke40 posted 7/16/2012 20:42 PM

Not a good day today. I love my wife so much but sometimes just looking at her brings such pain. I know I probably messed up tonight but I texted the other man tonight and basically told him meet me man to man or I go to the school board. I told him I would meet him at any place of his choosing gym or dojo. I really just want three rounds with him.

nuance posted 7/16/2012 21:37 PM

Not a good idea. When was D day? Does his W know?

Heartbroke40 posted 7/16/2012 21:43 PM

Not a good idea. When was D day? Does his W know?

June 6th was the D-day. I only wished he was married to make sure that he feels some of my hell that I am in now, but for the betterment of women kind this asshat is not married.

Crushed1 posted 7/16/2012 22:03 PM

Hi Heartbroke40, I am sorry for your pain. It's brutal to find out you've been betrayed by your spouse.

Be careful of threatening him, he probably has the text saved and will use it against you if he gets a chance! Believe me, as a BS I know the feeling of wanting to go a round or two with the OP. That is a very natural response to the searing pain you're in right now. But in the end, getting physical with him could result in jail time for you and assault charges. Something to think about in the long term.

Remember that your ww was a *willing* participant in adultery.

You could hurt him a lot more by informing his employer of his actions, I'm sure they will be frowned upon due to him being in a school setting and position of power.

OnceWasEnough posted 7/17/2012 00:55 AM

I was not happy with my marriage after the first couple of years and pretty much tried to make it implode. My wife and I did finally split up and but I came to my senses and pulled my head out of my butt.

I feel like when I was an ass she tried everything to make me happy, then when I reversed and wanted to do right by her and our family she went off the deep end.

Heartbroke40, exactly what did you do during the time you were an ass? Can you please be a little more specific in what you mean by trying to make your marriage implode?

Sometimes we need to look at all aspects in order to get an idea of the current relationship....

[This message edited by OnceWasEnough at 1:10 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

stronger08 posted 7/17/2012 04:12 AM

Bro, I understand where your comming from. I really do. I was unfortunate in going at it with OM. All that happened was I was arrested and it gave him/XWW carte blanch to carry on the A as I could not go near either of them due to a RO against me. Cost me some big bucks in legal fees to get the charges dropped. IMO not worth the efort. There are other ways to get at him legally. But thats for another time. Right now you need to concentrate on your WW. She is the one who broke her vows to you. 2 years is a long time to have an A. Im sure feelings were involved that dont go away after they get caught. Whats her story ? Just because shes willing to leave her job does not mean she simply is over OM. Im sure she is embarassed and sad that you caught her. But that does not spell remorse. Now is not the time to thread lightly with her. She needs to step up on the carpet and explain herself. Keep an eye open for future contact. Sadly these scumbag OM dont go away quickly nor does the feelings your WW might have or him. Vigilance is needed.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 4:13 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

So Naive posted 7/17/2012 05:54 AM

Have you offered to go three rounds with your wife in a dojo or gym?

If NOT, then why did you threaten the OM in this way?

She was there in the bedroom, too. Willingly. She even told you her excuses for doing it, which didn't include rape.

Him, you want to beat up. Her, you want to grow old with.

reallyscrewedup7 posted 7/17/2012 06:55 AM

Heartbroke,

First, we all get that you want to eviscerate the OM. BTDT. But it serves no purpose.

Exposure does.

Quit threatening him. It is counterproductive and as you well know, pointless.

Gather your evidence. Get to a lawyer. Protect yourself and let the lawyer determine the path of exposure to the school board, including the possibility of actionable cause due to sexual impropriety.

And most importantly, quit discussing this with your wife. She just wants it to go away. She really does not want it to go public and she is not your ally in this matter.

Get that through your head.

You need to expect that everything you say to her about this is going STRAIGHT to the OM and his lawyer.

Yes. You do need to consider that.

Let your head rule, not your emotions. Your wife is still clearly in the fog from her posts. It is ALL about her and her pain and her career and her, her, her. Especially how your pain is affecting HER.

I am not saying that she won't snap out of it. I am not saying that when this is done she will not be on your side.

But right now, you are her enemy. You are making her feel bad about all the great sex and fun times she had. You are threatening her future teaching career. And as she has so wonderfully framed it, YOU ARE POSSIBLY HURTING HER CHILDREN. Dude, if that is not a clue that you two are on totally opposite sides of the world, then you need a new GPS unit.

So, I will repeat - gather your evidence and keep it in a safe place. Find a lawyer to guide and protect you. Quit talking to your wife and OM about this. And take action.

If your lawyer says exposure is bad for you, then don't. If he/she gives you the pathway to a lawsuit, then take the rational action.

But right now, all you are doing is driving your WW right back to OM. It is highly likely she will protect him to protect herself. And if you have learned nothing, you have learned she will happily put herself WAY before you.

Strength and healing to you brother. But heal in a healthy, rational way.

Heartbroke40 posted 7/17/2012 16:16 PM

Heartbroke40, exactly what did you do during the time you were an ass? Can you

please be a little more specific in what you mean by trying to make your marriage implode?

Sometimes we need to look at all aspects in order to get an idea of the current relationship....

During this time I did not want to be married. Part of my problem is that I believe all women will eventually hurt you. I wanted to be with her but not invest as much of myself as I should have, so that when she left it wouldn't crush me as it had been in a couple relations prior to my wife.

As to exactly what I did it was generally not caring about what she thought, if I wanted to stay out all night at the bar with my buds thats what I did, lie to here about where I was, who I was with, where all things I would do. I then would have a completely double standard if she tried to do the same things I was doing. I made it known if she did I leave her. "all of this is very assholish, I know"

Fast forward to about 5 years ago I was finally fed up with my relationship and wanted out. I decided to end marriage and separated from my wife, but I should mention that I also decided to date someone else at this time. This only for about 2 months before we decided to give our marriage another try.

I really did consider this our new beginning and promised my wife I would not hold back my love for her. I also promised to be what a husband should be and I would put my past ways behind me. All of the above I did, but my wife could not let go of the past and I am just speculating but felt this was her time to have what she felt was the upper hand in the marriage. During this time my wife developed a very big me complex and needed validation from people that she was hot, good looking, and not just someones wife. To do this she got a boob job and started to wear what I felt was inappropriate clothes to work as a teacher. I only agreed to surgery because she wanted it so badly. " I have always thought my wife was more beautiful than I deserved" I told her that I though this was a bad idea because I knew ahead of time I would have problems dealing with this as every one of my friends who had bought their wife boobs had all ended in divorce. My WW promised me this would not happen and that she would never wear anything that would make me feel uncomfortable with the what she did. Well that lasted all of three weeks after the surgery. She would say I was not her father and she would dress as she pleased, even though promising me she wouldn't make it ruff for me.

Needless to say she had her first encounter with the OM only 2 months after this surgery. Her lying, drinking, and general disregard for anything I wanted increased during this time, so yes I would fire back and I am sure this came off as me trying to control her. I am sure some of it was but I was also in protection mode of my kids and I also have some major issues with alcohol and drug dependent people as I grew up and saw my brother and sister destroy their lives with this.

I am sorry for this long post but I wanted to lay it all out there.

[This message edited by Heartbroke40 at 4:17 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)]

reallyscrewedup7 posted 7/19/2012 08:03 AM

Just checking back with you to see how you are doing. Remember, the people on this board know how incredibly hard and unjust this is - you never asked for this and now there are so many things you have to do because of it.

Strength to you and for your healing.