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Chat Room Cheating

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lg2776 posted 7/18/2012 09:40 AM

My husband & I share a home computer & he left up his internet browser with his AOL account open (I didn't even know about this address). I was being nosey & discovered hundreds of pictures of women that he has apparently met in internet chat rooms. Some of these pictures were extremely graphic. To make matters worse he has also been sending pictures of himself. Including pictures taken at our son's soccer games, on family vacations & of course of his genitals. These emails go all the way back to 2007.

I am currently 33 weeks pregnant & I feel as if the bottom has dropped out on me. We have barely had a sex life over the past 5 years & I thought he just wasn't interested in me anymore & my self esteem has taken a pretty big hit.

My husband now claims he is so sorry. He considers what he did simply looking at pictures on the internet. I don't agree. I believe what he did is considered cheating. Especially when you are saying sexual things to other women who are not your wife.

I am so upset & don't know what to do.

jandjs1st posted 7/18/2012 09:48 AM

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

You absolutely have every right to feel cheated because you have been. Inappropriate messaging with other women is cheating.

Please read through the forum and the healing library. You will find support and helpful information.

MartlArts posted 7/18/2012 09:59 AM

((lg)). Yes, it is cheating, you have a right to be hurt, upset, and demand that he stop immediately! Lots of info in the Library about these things. So sorry you are going through this.

BeenThereDunThat posted 7/18/2012 10:57 AM

Good lord, I didn't realize AO Hell was still in business.

I do remember about 15 or so years ago, my SO at the time used to go into those adult chat rooms. It wasn't so much that he was chatting one on one with the women in the room, but all the members in the room would start this picture trading thing that would blow up my SO's mailbox in no time at all. He would be expected to shoot pictures back out to the participating members who were blowing up his email box, etc. etc. He didn't have personal pics of himself so he'd just shoot over one of the many pics he'd just received in the email blitz.

The excitement of the chatrooms wore off real quick for him and he lost interest after a couple of weeks. It made his brain bleed because he's not computer savvy at all and couldn't keep up with the others. But I was reminded of that chatroom craziness after reading your post.

If your H's been at it since 2007, there's no doubt he's privately chatting with women and not just a bystander in the room. You say your intimate life has been pretty non-existent and I'd have to imagine that a big part of that would have to be due to his "alone time" at the computer. Ugh, may I assume you have a webcam on that computer?

While he may not have "physically" cheated on you, clearly his behavior has been inappropriate at best and damaging to your marriage, at worst.

I guess you'll have to watch and see if his actions match his words, Lg. Good luck to you.

Jrazz posted 7/18/2012 11:19 AM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, lg2776.

A lot of WS's are reticent to cop to cheating if there's been no physical contact. Pictures are kindof a no-brainer, though.

The most important thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself and your sweet baby. Drink water, sleep, take walks when you can.

In the upper left corner you'll notice a yellow box. Go to the "Healing Library" and you'll find a host of tools for communicating with your WS.

Come here and post questions as much as you can.

We're all here to help you through this.

Kiki212 posted 7/18/2012 15:45 PM

Mine used interactive porn chat & phone sex (hello 1993) & doesn't think that was cheating either.

Please take this time to take care of yourself & your baby. If he's been doing this since 2007 & your sex life has been almost non existent, this rabbit hole might be deeper than it looks.

totalblindside posted 7/19/2012 13:39 PM

Mine also started out in chat rooms, then he moved to IM & emails with OW then progressed to the phone calls that lasted 2 hours at a time. But of course he says it was all a "fantasy" and not cheating. Sorry, I'm not buying that.

I'm very sorry that you find yourself here, but there are some great people here who will listen & help you any way they can.

teach5 posted 7/19/2012 16:30 PM

Older and wiser, having been through this, the chat room and e mail and phone contact were like the gateway drug to a full blown affair. It is cheating and a betrayal.

teach5 posted 7/19/2012 16:30 PM

Older and wiser, having been through this, the chat room and e mail and phone contact were like the gateway drug to a full blown affair. It is cheating and a betrayal.

Ronky posted 7/19/2012 17:27 PM

It may not have been a PA but it is still cheating, EA Is still cheating. Speaking from experience i would say the reason for the lack of intimacy could have come from guilt. My F Said that was the reason for our lack of intimacy. He even couldnt see what he was doing as cheating as he was only talking to them nothing happened in person. But Pitures were sent between them all.

Nature_Girl posted 7/19/2012 19:40 PM

It's cheating. Please prepare yourself emotionally to learn (eventually) that he's been physical with women in real life. Chat room conversations never stay just in the chat rooms. It always progresses eventually to real sex in real life.

I'm so sorry.

InShock2010 posted 7/19/2012 20:44 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know that chances are it has gone farther than he is letting on. I also discovered my WH was chatting with other women, then slowly it came out that it had led to talking and dating. My WH lied and said it went no further than chatting. I had to dig and find out the real truth. I hope that I am wrong, but even if it is just chatting, it is cheating.

QVee posted 8/6/2012 22:49 PM

Welcome to the club. I have been dealing with the same thing for the past two years with my WS. It IS cheating. It may or may not have gone past online, but you need to find that out ASAP. And chances are good that, even if it has only been online, it has been more than sending pictures; it's been cyber sexting.

In my situation, it has only been online, but it started the same. I noticed it as a withdrawl from our own sex life that lasted a couple years. Now my WS has been diagnosed with online porn/sexting addiction by our psychologist. He is currently entering SA and going to a specialist.

InShock2010 posted 8/6/2012 23:40 PM

Mine started with chat rooms too. He swore he never met these women in person or talked to them on the phone. Over the next few months I slowly learned that it had progressed to phone calls and eventually to dating. It is definitely a gateway to PAs and it is definitely cheating. He is taking time and emotions that should be shared with his wife and sharing it with another woman...that is cheating.

losingmyground posted 8/7/2012 08:06 AM

If you are going to continue to "snoop", be prepared to find emails between him and other women. My husband's step were befriend, post on walls, poke, instant chat, the photos via email/text and then meet up. Supposedly it was only kissing (can't prove otherwise). I can definitely see where he tried to break off three times. It ended well before I found out, but still sucked.

Good luck and make sure to talk with him.

A great way to get your hurt across...take off your rings and hand them to him. When he says it wasn't physical, ask how he would feel if he found out you were doing the same thing with another man. The reaction might not happen right away, but it will happen.

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