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mystified1970 posted 7/28/2012 17:07 PM

I have already filed for divorce. Last November he told me to go check his email and that's when I saw all the sent messages he failed to delete. His wasn't just an affair. He was offering various women money for sex. OUR money. I was making $55,000 a year and struggling to make all our bills on time and he was offering money to whores on Craigslist. All the while I was bending over backwards to be the "perfect wife". Anything to make him happy, physically, emotionally, anything. Yesterday I discovered he sent $600 to another whore on Craigslist. He told her he works for a modeling agency! He owns a freaking moving company. A company I solely built while he was away working on the road. He gave OUR money to a whore!! I feel the most intense rage I have ever felt in my life. Yesterday really tipped the scales. I just want to SEE the emails to the whores. I want to see what exactly he participated in. I need to know in order to move on and start healing. He absolutely refuses to show me and it's driving me insane. I believe that if I could just see it I could start healing. I am just sick. I've never felt such intense rage. Times like these I wish I took Valium.

Skan posted 7/28/2012 18:03 PM

I hear you. While I was scrimping and saving, trying to get us out of debit, my WH spend money for several years on a stripper. Someone who tells "clients" whatever they need to hear so that they will feed her money. Someone that he had an EA with for years ... and had give him lap dances, grind against him, and grind her boobs into his face. Someone that he gave cash to, for a "special connection." Oh pleeze!

Can you get up at 2am tomorrow morning, swipe his computer, and start the printer if you feel that you really need to see those emails? I have one heck of a printed out record of his "activities," all in a safe place, just in case.

(((hugs))) I sincerely hope that you live in a state that considers such behavior in divorces. And that you can cut him off immediately from your money flow.

Jrazz posted 7/29/2012 15:00 PM

Hello, mystified1970! Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, but you've come to the right place for support.

Since you are already moving ahead with divorce, you may want to check out our Separation/Divorce forum for advice and support as you plan your next steps.

I believe that if I could just see it I could start healing

I don't know that seeing the emails is going to bring you any kind of relief, if that is what you're looking for. Since you have decided that you have enough proof to begin filing for divorce, I'm concerned that this is only going to make you feel worse at this point.

Please check out this thread. It has some important information on taking good care of yourself as you navigate the intense emotions of this discovery.

We're here for you.


mystified1970 posted 7/29/2012 16:07 PM

Thank you both so much for your kind words. It was actually reading through an article on The Healing Library that helped me understand my frustration with the not knowing the whole story. Like, maybe if I could see it all with my own eyes I could STOP loving him and love myself more. Alas, he refuses to help me with that part of my healing and won't show me. He guards his phone and computer like a freak so it's a no-go on digging in there. Probably best anyway. They say don't go looking for something you don't want to find because you'll find it. Can I help it that I literally had a dream about him and this woman the night before I found out about her? I literally dreamed of them together right in front of me and after I saw her pics, she was the woman in my dream/nightmare. No joke. I'd prefer to do away with this 6th sense thing.

Logically, I know he has a serious problem. He is an extreme narcissist. I gave him everything a "good wife" should but he needed his ego stroked more. Every fight or argument we had, I was thinking how to sort it out and make it better and he was out "hunting". It just makes me so sick.

I guess the betrayal isn't new, but the one I just found out about was. I filed for divorce a couple of months ago and it was just granted last week. The day after is when I found out he was still engaging in this nonsense and giving some woman money I helped earn!

We own a business togther and I am still living in the house. Thank god I have a wonderful job opportunity overseas. I am leaving next Sunday, the 5th of August.

Nonetheless, I am still feeling physically sick over this. I've lost 15 pounds that I didn't need to lose! When does this sick feeling go away? Do you think that my going overseas will help with this awful agony I am feeling right now? I pray it helps.

windytree posted 7/29/2012 16:22 PM

I just posted for the first time here with my story. I just want to say I understand the rage. My husband just told me he has spent over $10,000 of our money over the last three years, paying for high-class "escorts." All the while we have been eating through our savings, not traveling, even occasionally borrowing from relatives, etc. It's ridiculous!!!! I completely feel your rage and your pain.

why2008 posted 7/30/2012 22:22 PM

I just want to SEE the emails to the whores. I want to see what exactly he participated in. I need to know in order to move on and start healing. He absolutely refuses to show me and it's driving me insane.

Just to venture a guess but I don't think that it will help you much to see the emails. I also felt the desire to "know" everything and it drove me insane too. Eventually what helped me was to frame it in the context of two horny dogs having sex, that it was a meaningful and base as that. Only in your case he had to pay to hump...

Try to let the desire to read everything go... I promise you it won't help.

mystified1970 posted 7/31/2012 09:32 AM

You're right. It won't help to see it. I am leaving the country in 5 days...that ought to help with the No Contact. Until then we are still under the same roof. :/

Pippy posted 7/31/2012 13:05 PM

Leaving the country will help you detach a lot. No triggers in your face and a whole different environment. Congratulations and good luck.

keptmypromise posted 7/31/2012 13:19 PM

The level that cheaters will go to is mystifying. My wife spent $11,000 of OUR money for cosmetic surgery, just to get the confidence up enough to turn her EA into a PA...while she cut me off completely. Certain things are difficult to overcome...and some are impossible to overcome

kansas1968 posted 7/31/2012 20:02 PM

"Nonetheless, I am still feeling physically sick over this. I've lost 15 pounds that I didn't need to lose! When does this sick feeling go away? Do you think that my going overseas will help with this awful agony I am feeling right now? I pray it helps."
So sorry this happened to you. It is a horrible thing and almost everyone loses weight. That was the only bright spot for me in the whole deal. Betrayal always brings on that rage and sick stomach. It is the worst rage and the worst pain I ever suffered. You are going to be ok and I think the move to Europe is the best thing that could happen now. You will be totally removed from triggers and memories and you can start building new memories. One of the hardest things to do after this is stay together. You are living with the enemy, so to speak, and you are living with constant triggers, and you keep thinking that you need to get out.
He is a mess and you will start feeling better when the shock wears off and you quit loving him. Have fun in Europe and don't even waste a thought on him. He is the one who is going to suffer. Good luck and post on here from Europe and let us know how you are doing. Hugs.


agreensleeve posted 7/31/2012 20:28 PM

A two edged sword. Knowing or not knowing. My FWH wrote reviews of his bookings with his escort. I read what he did, where he did it, what positions, oral, how often and what she did to him. What she wore, her make up, descriptions of her body, the list goes on and on. I wish I never read them. I wish he never wrote them.

I wish, I wish.

On the other hand, I know exactly what he did so he couldn't lie to me. For me not knowing is worse than knowing; however, hearing it is worse than not hearing it.

You do what you need to do to heal. If that means reading the email, then read. But, and this is a big but, be prepared for what you read. Because once you know, you can't un-know.

Good Luck

mystified1970 posted 1/19/2014 01:05 AM

Old thread but I just read it again and realized something.

Moving overseas didn't stop the triggers. It can be a brief mention of something someone says, choosing a hotel to stay in and a variety of other things.

I have always loved staying at Holiday Inn Express so that's usually where I stay when traveling. Guess where he took at least one prostitute? Guess where I will never stay again? :(

It might seem lame but I take that Holiday Inn thing as an direct, conscious slap in my face. He has always been well aware of my fave hotel on the road. I feel so sick and sad today.

PurpleLilac posted 1/19/2014 06:59 AM

As I was reading this thread and realized it was from August 2012 I hoped there was an update. I'm sorry to read it wasn't as planned. None of this was the plan! ((mystified)) I'm sorry to read a year and a half out, you are still sad. Are most days this way? I'm so new to this, maybe it's the norm.

[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 7:01 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]

mystified1970 posted 1/20/2014 06:45 AM

Hi Purple Lilac. Most days are not like this. It comes in waves for various reasons. I have vivid dreams occasionally that spark it. The good days far outnumber the bad but I wonder sometimes if I will ever not feel sad when the betrayal comes to mind. Hope you have support and are able to handle this better than me! Just feel so insane sometimes!

SisterMilkshake posted 1/20/2014 06:54 AM

Can you gives an update on how you are doing, mystified?

Are you back from overseas? Do you still own the business with your ex-husband?

stronger08 posted 1/20/2014 08:48 AM

My XWW spent thousands on her OM. I cant even start to calculate the amount, nor do I even want to. I like to think that it was D related expense and leave it at that. Cause if you dwell on it, it can eat you up. Even after we were apart she suckered me into making a payment for her claiming she was broke. She was indeed broke, but it was because she lent one of her deadbeat boyfriends money and he stiffed her on the loan. Sadly I found out that caveat after he fact.

mystified1970 posted 1/21/2014 05:11 AM

SisterMilkShake, I am still overseas. Just posted in another thread about STD testing here and that if I even go for testing, let alone test pos. I could have my work visa revoked pretty much immediately.

I relinquished my part of the business as I didn't want my name or credit associated or tied to him in any way, seeing as how he makes(made?), such awful choices.

I am still in contact and R is a still a possibility. He still has a lot of work to do. A LOT. He somehow thinks himself to be different that the WS's here and refuses to read, learn and adapt accordingly. Has he changed? Yes, in many ways. Do I trust him? Nope. Getting TT to this day. Two days ago he admitted to seeing one particular whore/prostitute, not just the one time, but twice.

The TT could be the breaking point for me. Will keep you posted. This isn't really something I chat about with friends here so...SI it is! And I am SO THANKFUL for these forums. Helps me feel sane. You all are wonderful and supportive and, yeah, thank you!

mystified1970 posted 1/24/2014 03:08 AM

Another "confession". Add one more prostitute to the list and that he actually met one of them twice, not only the one time he confessed to originally.

For the life of me I cannot understand what the hell is the point of telling about one, two or three and leaving one out? Like, 8 is better than 9 somehow?

This far the confessions all say there was no intercourse...BJ's, HJ's and a lot of photos and videos taken.

Really, no intercourse? Heavy, heavy sigh. So there was intercourse with the first one that wasn't a prostitute. There was with the one he preyed upon saying he worked as a tester for a "high class" escort company...but none with the last few whores? Really? Hmmm, why don't I believe that?

I had wondered if another confession would be the last straw but apparently it wasn't. What kind of fool am I?

mystified1970 posted 3/5/2014 03:30 AM

....and another confession. He swears there's nothing more to tell. Basically it adds up to at least one whore for each year we've been together.

Weird, I didn't shed a tear. I'm not sad at all. I knew there were more.

He's registered here now but not posting. Hopefully he's reading.

The use of prostitutes is...well, my fingers hovered over the keyboard because I don't even have a word for what it is to me. Disappointing, not surprising, disgusting, sick...

The therapist he's been seeing doesn't recognize SA. I don't know if that's the issue or if the use of whores was just a very, very, very poor coping mechanism. A way to cope with not getting his way, not knowing how to deal with conflict, an attempt at control of some kind, extremely low self esteem (so weird because he comes across as very very self confident and has every reason to be, he's very attractive both physically and in his personality, when he's not being a dick.)

Anyway, yeah, so, I think this is it. For some reason I feel confident there's nothing more to tell. Honestly, if there is more, I don't want to know. I've been dragging the truth out of him for three years. Blows my mind how someone can just lie and lie and lie, yet profess undying love over and over.

Codependent much? Yep, I probably am.

Would really like to talk with someone dealing with the prostitute thing. WS or BS, I need insight.

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