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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: It's a long drop...
hopelesshopeful
♀ 36533
Member # 36533
Stop  Posted: 1:33 AM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First post from the edge... Full disclosure or oblivion? I cant decide... I fully expect to be blasted and I'm sure I need it. I definitely deserve it and worse. I know I'm confused and I can still pick out much selfishness and deceit in my thinking.á

NC with MOm for 6 months now. Of course I can't even think about making things right with my H because he doesn't really know what I've done. I know he knows but I haven't told him and it seems he doesn't want to know. I don't understand and it seems unhealthy to me. I want to work on fixing me and fixing us but it doesn't seem possible without full disclosure. I feel selfish wanting to tell him everything so I can ábeg his forgiveness. I don't think I have any hope of making myself into someone worth being married to without this step. I'm stuck. I feel like there is no hope for me. I'm going through the motions of living but I'm just a placeholder so my kids have a mom and he has a wife. I have often thought of having an "accident" because what will my kids think when they find out "super mom" is a whore? Surely it's healthier for everyone for me to be gone. Selfish? Probably. Thus I'm still here.á

Even uglier and worse I still go back and forth in my thinking about the AP.á

It was serious for me. I'm convincing myself that it wasn't for him. That it was all lies and that we just used each other. But if not for the pain we would have caused our families... blah, blah, blah. He asked a few times about us being together and I shut him down. As much as I feel I love him and he convinced me he loved me, how could two people whose relationship comes from their lack of integrity and willingness to lie ever be happy together. I feel like we will be lucky if we can beg our spouses forgiveness and do everything possible to save our marriages.á

MOm BS told my husband about the affair in person. Initially I denied (seriously? That's pretty much cold busted) He has also revived emails and phone messages. He won't talk about it with me. He won't ask questions and he won't answer his phone if he doesn't recognize the caller. He told me he messaged her that he doesn't want to hear from her. He was of course shattered but I think he went from there to denial assIsted by my initial denial (more deceit).

I have provided passwords, gps tracking on my cell, checking in when out and about, etc. I know this isn't close to enough but do I have a right to torment him when he clearly doesn't want to know? We have never had the conversation where I said "I cheated". I am working on a timeline because I want to be ready. Is it possible he is processing and he will question me when he's ready or do I need to force this and just hope for the best? Maybe we will never get through it and if he's happy living with this between us I deserve to feel guilty and alone. There can be no real relationship like this. I always felt like he wanted me for show and occasional entertainment before the A. Doesn't excuse anything but maybe I deserve to be that for him if that's what he wants after what I've done.á

Also I have been technically NC for 6 months but I still think about AP constantly. Cry several times daily. And drive around town more than I need to in hope of a glimpse. No Internet connections although I can't seem to resist looking. Can someone tell me how to fix my mind so I will stop with the unhealthy obsessing. I really won't make a move to get between him and his family again all I'm doing is torturing myself and keeping myself from fully engaging with my H because I'm still grieving for the A. Change the channel please! It's a rerun and I know how it ends.á

Sorry for the length. I will probably never do this again.á


WW (me)
Married 15 years, 3 kids
LTA (EA/PA)
ended 6 months ago
NC except from FOm's BW
DDay for my BH 8/27/2012

Posts: 28 | Registered: Aug 2012
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopelesshopeful,

Your post is all over the place and yet, I get it! I know the feeling of knowing you need to tell, yet not wanting to face that and its aftermath. I know the feeling of dread, the feeling of heaviness and weepiness and also the feeling of wanting that 'accident' to happen, just to end the pain and feeling of having no way out of it.

In your post I see so much insight. You don't have a lot of the fogginess that many 1st posts of a wayward has. I think you are fully aware...just distraught and torn. I hear your pain.

Read my profile if you want. Then read my post in Reconciliation about my 5 year antiversary. I don't mean to make this thread about me, but I want you to see there is hope for R, even after feeling as low as you do now.

I do think you need to go completely 100% NC with OM. Emotional NC is important, too. Stop looking, stop checking...you have to stop. It takes awhile, and the only way out is through...but you eventually get there.

I think you know that living with the 'poison' in you is not going to work for you for any length of time. It wasn't for me. Something had to give. For me it was after 15 months I sent a long email to my BH telling him every detail that I had left out.
It was killing me.

Don't wait that long.

Keep posting. We understand and we can help.

AN


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38937 | Registered: Sep 2007
Happeningtome
♀ 36327
Member # 36327
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hopelesshopeful.

I know I will be in the minority here, based on all of the posts I've read, but I am not sold on full disclosure, unless that is something the BS asks for. In my case, my BS was smacked in the face with details he did not ask for or want (he wasn't ready, and said so) by my AP's BS, for several weeks after DDay. We think she thought she was doing him a favor (or trying to make him hate me) by passing along all the gory details as she got them from her WH, but as my BS was not in a place to be able to process the information she was giving him, it was very upsetting for him and has hindered his healing process significantly. If the details could have been disclosed at his request, when he was ready to hear them, he would have been far less traumatized.

Every situation is different - I see a lot of posts here about the "right" way to handle the ending/disclosure of an affair, but you and your H need to do what works best for you and him, while navigating your collective coping skills and emotional health.

I also wanted to acknowledge some of the other emotions you are experiencing (having an 'accident', conflicted thoughts about AP, was it ever love, obsessive thoughts, grief for A). You are not alone. I just want you to know that. I'm sure many WS experience some or all of these things for quite some time, especially if you felt a strong emotional attachment to your AP. It is terribly difficult to look back at the time with your AP and acknowledge 'this was not real', and that there are issues far deeper than the A that need to be addressed. It sounds like you are making progress in this area, and I hope you continue. It is something I struggle with too. Oddly, I have found browsing on SI to be a distraction from my obsessive thoughts - not sure why, but I think it helps me put things in perspective, and allows me to see what may lie ahead in my own situation. Whatever it is, I'll take it.

I wish I had something more to give you to help, but all I have is 'you are not alone'.

Take care.


Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2012
hopelesshopeful
♀ 36533
Member # 36533
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AN,

Thank you for your reply. I did read your profile and 5 year anti thread. It helps to see your success, love and happiness. Thank you for staying on SI and continuing to help others.

I have questions. Maybe someone could point me to appropriate threads or if anyone has answers it would be great.

1. I didn't want the stop sign but didn't realize it was there. Can I get it off? I would love replies from anyone.

2. I didn't see FOO in the list...what's that?

3. I truly believe my H doesn't want to know. I think we both need to face what I've done. What do I do? Is there a best way? What about the kids?

4. Emotional NC. If I stop looking will my mind and heart eventually stop it too?

5. H is not a forgiving person. He still has issues about me having been married before (I was the BS, xH married to OW seems happily 13 years). Do I live with the lie to raise my kids? Doing so will result in me Ending up old and alone because I will have to tell eventually. Old and alone doesn't bother me as much as the unfairness to H. He has a right to know. Am I right to force him to know?

I am so screwed up.


WW (me)
Married 15 years, 3 kids
LTA (EA/PA)
ended 6 months ago
NC except from FOm's BW
DDay for my BH 8/27/2012

Posts: 28 | Registered: Aug 2012
hopelesshopeful
♀ 36533
Member # 36533
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HTM,

Thank you. It helps.

HH


WW (me)
Married 15 years, 3 kids
LTA (EA/PA)
ended 6 months ago
NC except from FOm's BW
DDay for my BH 8/27/2012

Posts: 28 | Registered: Aug 2012
Mrs Panda
♀ 27303
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI, hopelesshopeful.

I feel hope for you, because I see shreds of remorse and logic interspesed in your post.

The driving around town to catch a glimpse of the AP....the internet "peeking" at pics of him...ah, yes, I remember that.

Don't you feel a little crazy doing that? That's not normal adult woman behavior.

I did that and I look back now and shake my head.

I am 4 years out and I "nothing" my exAP now. Indifference should be the goal.

The crazy, addictive nature of an A stirs up chemicals in our brains. It's not fucking real, any more than heroin.

You simply must tell your BH. He knows already. He Knows. He may be "rugsweeping" or he may be hating you every day you choose to protect yourself and your AP.

Just tell him. Then let him decide what details he needs. But you can't "heal" until you do. And neither can he. It is not HIS job to drag it out of you. Please stop being passive about this.

The whore complex. Just stop. There is nothing productive that will come out of calling yourself names. You did shitty things. You betrayed your family and yourself. You hurt the BS. But just stop it now! Start by telling the truth...

Then, one day, maybe 4 years from now, you can look at yourself in the mirror again and say, "I AM a good mother and wife. I did bad things...but I am a better person now."


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 2008 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Mrs Panda
♀ 27303
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just saw your questions. Yes, if you stop the stalking-like stuff and stop allowing yourself to think abt AP...you will come out of the fog.

When you think of AP, think of a stop sign. Snap a rubber band on your wrist (hard). Works great, I promise.

Think of your BH's pain instead. Of course, you won't know that until you talk about it.

FOO means family of origin issues.

Not sure what you mean by "not forgiving." You really have no idea until you encounter the situuation. I assumed my BH was unforgiving. I was wrong. At any rate, the right thing to do is to confess. Lying to him will only further destroy your M.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 2008 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
hopelesshopeful
♀ 36533
Member # 36533
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrs Panda,

Thanks. Yes I do feel like a nut job stalker. And I think you must be right about the chemicals in our brains. It feels like addiction like heroine might. AP literally wants nothing to do with me. I think he is fighting to save his marriage and in between hating him and missing him I hope he succeeds. I am going to try the rubber band stop sign thing. I have enough to deal with without letting my thoughts and energy go that way. Ambivalence, i so need that.

I feel resigned to getting this out in the open with H. I feel I need to get more honest with myself first. I don't want to TT it like I've read about.


WW (me)
Married 15 years, 3 kids
LTA (EA/PA)
ended 6 months ago
NC except from FOm's BW
DDay for my BH 8/27/2012

Posts: 28 | Registered: Aug 2012
She-Ra
♀ 36033
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi HH,

Glad you came and found us here at SI. It is great that you have signed up and posted. I don't feel like anyone wants to blast you. Around here, they call it swinging a 2x4 but most people only swing them gently to help raise the points and help you. Coming here is a huge step.

As much as I feel I love him and he convinced me he loved me, how could two people whose relationship comes from their lack of integrity and willingness to lie ever be happy together. I feel like we will be lucky if we can beg our spouses forgiveness and do everything possible to save our marriages

Yep there's a reality check and totally spot on. The A was built on lies and lack of integrity. Yes agreed, you are lucky if you can beg your BH for forgiveness and save the marriage.

I must say, your BH must love you very much. The OM BW contacted him to advise the A and he's still there with you. Maybe it's accurate for me to say that speaks volumes and shows signs there is hope for you two. Yes you denied it but your BH knows the truth. He does want to hear it from you though.

I just confessed to my BH last week. (check my profile for details) There is a sense of relief that you can regain your honesty, integrity and your true self back.. It doesn't relieve your guilt (I think it's going to be important to hang onto that one for yourself) I couldn't believe how amazing my BH was when I confessed and provided the full disclosure a few days later. I gave him 100% of the remaining details when he was requesting them/asking more questions a few days later.


Is it possible he is processing and he will question me when he's ready or do I need to force this and just hope for the best? Maybe we will never get through it and if he's happy living with this between us I deserve to feel guilty and alone. There can be no real relationship like this.

I think you need to bring up the conversation. Maybe he won't question you but I can see that is not how you want to live. Have you gone to an IC yet? Maybe have some of those sessions for pre-planning a full confession, if that's what you plan to do. My IC and I weight out pros/cons, various discussions about confessing. It helped me a lot, along with the major support from SI. If I didn't have IC or SI, I would not have been able to confess.

Good luck with your next steps.. Keep posting and hang in there. Many people here will help back you up


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
Both in IC/MC. Finally in R.
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 886 | Registered: Jul 2012
hopelesshopeful
♀ 36533
Member # 36533
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MUC,

Thanks for replying.

I started seeing IC before the A ended but she asked about the apparent profound sadness and it scared the hell out of me. I hadnt talked about the affair. I "no showed" my next appt (I really forgot what day it was) and was embarrassed about flaking, panicked about facing the truth so I never went back. I felt like she was really good too.

I'm not sure if BH is still here because he loves me or because appearances are so important to him. I hope it's because he loves me but the humiliation he will feel (whether it is rightly mine or not) is a significant motivator. He is very much about none of us besmirching the family rep.

I read your profile. I love your pma. And your owning. I had to google AM. I was shocked it exists. Where have I been? Lol, as an adulterer shouldn't I be exempt from na´vetÚ?

[This message edited by hopelesshopeful at 8:34 PM, August 18th (Saturday)]


WW (me)
Married 15 years, 3 kids
LTA (EA/PA)
ended 6 months ago
NC except from FOm's BW
DDay for my BH 8/27/2012

Posts: 28 | Registered: Aug 2012
She-Ra
♀ 36033
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, August 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi again HH:

I started seeing IC before the A ended but she asked about the apparent profound sadness and it scared the hell out of me. I hadnt talked about the affair. I "no showed" my next appt (I really forgot what day it was) and was embarrassed about flaking, panicked about facing the truth so I never went back. I felt like she was really good too.

Time to go back to her, if she will take you on or find a different IC. You know what to do..

I'm not sure if BH is still here because he loves me or because appearances are so important to him. I hope it's because he loves me but the humiliation he will feel (whether it is rightly mine or not) is a significant motivator. He is very much about none of us besmirching the family rep.

Maybe it's both sides that is holding him together and so far has been working for him regardless of whether or not its healthy. His love for you and keeping up appearances is probably held in high regard. I'm getting the sense that you are definitely wanting to change your life. You have to be ready to face it head on, without knowing the actual consequences, knowing that it's going to suck big time to get through.. BUT you will never know your BH's true feelings for you unless you come clean for real.

I read your profile. I love your pma. And your owning. I had to google AM. I was shocked it exists. Where have I been? Lol, as an adulterer shouldn't I be exempt from na´vetÚ?

Thanks for reading my profile. Yeah owning my shit, definitely a theme that I've learned here on Si.. I won't lie, made me want to throw up, shake and cry to myself more than a few times..

Uh huh, AM not a house-hold name for most families, even for adulterers.. It is in my house now BH didn't know what AM was either, until he googled it too. He was pissed right off when he brought up the web page. He asked me how I knew about it. I didn't have a logical reason on how I knew where to go. All my answers are/were completely stupid. HH, if you go looking for trouble, you'll find it. I refer to AM as a drug dealer for cheaters. Stay away.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
Both in IC/MC. Finally in R.
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 886 | Registered: Jul 2012
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for Lillibug


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1525 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
lillbug20
♀ 41511
Member # 41511
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you knightsbff.

Just curious if OP has gotten over the obsessive feelings for the AP?


Posts: 38 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Kentucky
Topic Posts: 13

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