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Going NC with a sociopath

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Holly-Isis posted 8/21/2012 09:45 AM

I was watching "Who the (bleep) did I marry?" and one of the wives now has a website,

I thought this would be a good read:

The best way to deal with a sociopath is not to deal with him. Reject him. Cut him off. Have absolutely No Contact.

No Contact means do not talk to him on the phone. Do not send, open or reply to e-mail. No instant messages or text messages. No cards, letters or packages. And certainly do not see him. (All of this applies to female sociopaths as well.)

If you're in the midst of legal battles with the sociopath, let all communication go through your lawyer, accountant or another intermediary. (Make sure they understand how sociopaths operate.)

Easier said than done

If you've been snared by a sociopath, you may find that you have difficulty maintaining No Contact. You may find yourself thinking about the good times and wanting to talk to him or her. Here are some of the reasons—and why they are not good reasons.

1. You're still in love
The person you loved never existed. It was an illusion created by the sociopath to manipulate you. If you still have feelings for him or her, they are feelings for what you wanted the relationship to be, not for what he or she actually is.

2. You feel sorry for him or her
The sociopath may cry, plead and grovel, insisting that he or she will change. You want to believe. Unfortunately, this is not possible with sociopaths—they do not change. The predator is using the pity play, trying to take advantage of your good nature and suck you in again. Don't fall for it.

3. You don't want to admit you were wrong
You may have a lot invested in the relationship—especially if the sociopath has been taking money from you—and you don't want to lose everything. You think you can force this person to make you whole. Yes, you may negotiate, and he or she may agree to repay you. But don't expect to actually see your money.

4. You want to have the last word
You want him or her to understand how hurt you are. You want this person to apologize. Here's what you need to know: The sociopath will never understand your feelings, because sociopaths have no empathy. If he or she apologizes, it will only be a tactic to bleed you some more.

5. Better the devil you know
Some people would rather put up with emotional, psychological and even physical abuse than face the unknown. If this is you, understand that it is unlikely the sociopath will treat you any better in the future, and it is very likely that he or she will treat you worse. The unknown may be scary, but it also offers a chance for a new life.

Change the dynamics

Why is No Contact important? Sociopaths are experts at breaking down their victims, piece by piece. If you have contact with him or her, you will be back in the game and the sociopath will continue to manipulate you. To begin your recovery, you must put him or her out of your life.

With No Contact, you are saying "no more."

If you must have contact

Unfortunately, you may have no choice but to have contact with the sociopath, especially if you have children with him. If you're in this situation, here are two important guidelines:

Always be on mental red alert when dealing with a sociopath.
Never deal with a sociopath alone; have a witness.
For more communication techniques, visit the abuse management page on The Narcissist and Psychopath website.

Out of the blue

Months or even years after you end it with the sociopath, he may show up again. He'll tell you he's in trouble, and you're the only one who can help him. What do you do? Don't bail him out. Ignore him. Let him suffer the consequences of his behavior.

He's testing to see if he can start bleeding you again. Remember, sociopaths do not change.

Helen of Troy posted 8/21/2012 09:59 AM

Excellent, here's more help when NC is tough:

Read this if you need help with No Contact
sara-smile's picture
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Read this if you need help with No Contact
Posted June 26, 2011 - 3:06pm

This article was so much help to me when I was trying to stay NC. I hope it helps anybody who is struggling. It's the hardest thing I've ever done and I still have trouble with it! Good luck and stay strong!


"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."

"No contact is so essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it."

"My therapist very rarely "advises" me, as such - preferring to help me see the right answers for myself. But the one thing he's been absolutely emphatic about, ever since I told him about it, is that I must NOT contact my N, under ANY circumstances."

"We don't want the NP back in our life... we only want them when we are hurting."

When I was quitting smoking and doing it cold turkey, I came across the following quote. I think the same applies for NC: "Dig way down inside and find the place that says, no more not ever never again and then just don't, no matter what."

"I hope you don't think this No Contact thing is just to teach him a darn good lesson. If you do, you've missed the whole point altogether."

"No contact is the strongest statement I can make to him."

"The no contact rule was the best thing I ever did...please stay strong."

"He was so cruel to me. I just called him to tell him...."
The opinions of society are brutal when a target states she's been abused and then she contacts her abuser, I can honestly tell you that such behaviour is viewed as utterly stupid, dangerous, ridiculous and silly to the outside world. It's glaring bad judgement. The courts see mutual pathology and friends and other people just roll their eyes, turn away in droves muttering 'she's as crazy as he is,' They'll assume she lied about his abuse in the first place. It's a huge factor in how they win."

"My therpist told me it was completely unhealthy to engage in useless talking to him and to STOP ALL COMMUNICATION!"

"NO CONTACT is the best to be hoped for; and this principle of recovery must be held to with tenacious trust that this is the best thing we can do for ourselves --- AND the N!"

"We must all let go of people who hurt us whether we understand why or not."

"I had to treat no contact like a drug addiction. There were times I had to count the minutes, then hours of no contact. I marked days off on the calendar. My entire life went to hell and I finally got mad and took it back. I am making my own happiness these days. It's still a struggle but it gets better every day. I had to force myself through the initial no contact but once I started to see our relationship for what it was it became easier and easier."

"You have the upper hand with no contact. Hang on to it for dear life."

The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.
General H. Norman Schwarzkopf

"Keep that list of horrors he'd done and print off those articles that really zing in on what he really is and read them both with your breakfast cereal. This helps reinforce our No Contact commitment and keeps the malignant optimisms/magical thinking we're often prone to away."

"I have no contact with my brother who is a P he still tries the manipulation through emails and my mother is a P. She tries through letters, same words, same game. It is very hard not to respond, you just have to keep reminding yourself what would happen to you if you did respond. It is as though they still have part of your mind and it takes a lot of strength to break free and not respond."

"I used those Olympic-class thinking tactics to picture how I'd react when he came up to me on the street. Well it worked. I just said "I have to go now, goodbye" and walked away. No payoff from me! I gave myself a Gold Medal in detaching."

"The No Contact rule is definitely it. I feel any contact with him is like sticking my hand in a snake pit."

"I was coming out of a 18 year marriage. He saw my vulnerability a mile away!! I cannot stress the no contact rule enough."

"Unfortunately as long as you stay with or talk to an N you will remain a form of supply for them whether it be good, bad or ugly. The only way you can achieve any type of victory over them is to walk away with your head held high and have no contact. The longer you stay, the longer you will miss out on your own life."

"They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt."

"I notice your N makes no effort to even acknowledge how his behaviour has hurt you. Expect him to blame you and tell you that you are the unreasonable one the whole way down the line. They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt. Waiting for an N to validate your experience or change the N behaviours could mean you will be trading emails at 90 and still not get any further going round in their crazy circles."

"You deserve a rich full life. An N will rob you of that. Stay clear. No contact."

"There is power in our silence. The power we gain during the No Contact period can't be emphasized enough.

"Use the power of silence."

"There is only one message they hear and that is the silence of No Contact."

Time and no contact is absolutely the only way, because anytime I have anything to do with him other than leaving notes for him when he comes to see the kids, it creates a "feelings setback" for me."

"But after a while, something amazing will happen... you'll wake up one day with a renewed sense of clarity, parts of yourself that you've long ago buried will begin to emerge and you'll begin to feel strong again. If you continue to maintain NC, your energy will shift, your thoughts will support you instead of harm you and you'll feel a sense of liberation, the likes of which you haven't felt in years, if at all. NC is the key to our freedom."

"There is a point where you re-find yourself (well at least that kick-start moment towards self-knowledge and emotional freedom...It's a neverending process), and life becomes an open field, your soul breathes again. No contact and time spent alone out of the crazy-making environment will help you greatly. My, you just have to stay stoic 'til you're out. Make sure that you give yourself every chance to recuperate your senses and not have your mind invaded by anyone."

"Were the Amish with their shunning on to something? I think so."

"After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was to have no contact with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not say I love you. Do not, above all, try to sit down and have a dialogue, to reason with him. No response of any kind is the answer."

"The best therapists tell us to stick like glue to that self-imposed No Contact rule. No contact works, but we need to give it a chance".

"The more time I stay in NC...the stronger I get."

"My no contact was my sabbatical, my retreat. I got to write out in my journal all the issues. I was able to ferret out the source, the root of all the problems. There's something very therapeutic about writing them out. Committing them to paper seems to capture the essence of it all."

"It reminds me of quitting smoking, hang in there long enough and the urge for contact will pass."

"Make a No Contact contract and write like mad in a journal. It really does get clearer and easier with time."

"Any contact you make can and will be used against you.
Conduct yourself accordingly."

"They are tricky. Here's one example. A mother co-parenting with an abuser called her x about a custody situation. He told her he was busy, call me again. She tried several times to call him and he filed harassment charges against her. She was set up. He did this deliberately. She failed to anticipate this response from him. The court ordered joint counselling, which of course was just wonderful NS to him. A lot of gullible people learn that the hard way.

"Beware of the Contact Trap. So many of them turn our hope into hell claiming THEY ARE BEING HARRASSED OR STALKED - by us!! Imagine your N's chortling glee watching you squirm in court."

m334455 posted 8/21/2012 10:14 AM

They are manipulative. The "good times" are not really genuine, they're just designed to hook you. Remembering this helps a lot.

smallhope posted 8/21/2012 10:54 AM

Might I add, do not inform the N you're going no contact. If your N is anything like mine, setting limits of any sort is the equivalent of waving a red flag after sticking hot pokers in his nether regions. He does what he wants, when he wants, and no one can tell him otherwise. Just do it. Quietly and with no big announcements for the N to sink his teeth into.

To help keep me strong I found it helpful to keep a list of my X's more vicious actions uppermost in mind, and a few choice quotes at hand. I also read everything I could lay my hands on about NPD. It really helped to know there is no cure, which works for the NPD because, as we all know, (altogether now) there is nothing wrong with them.

Dawn4 posted 8/21/2012 11:53 AM

Good advice in this thread. I really appreciate it. I just wish I would have stayed 100% NC right from the very start. But....I will come back here and read these every time I think of contacting XWS.

juki posted 8/21/2012 12:28 PM

I really needed to read all of that.

But I think this is my new mantra:

"We don't want the NP back in our life... we only want them when we are hurting."

I think I'll write a poem about it...

GreenMom posted 8/21/2012 14:04 PM

Great thread... glad I saw this today.

I can't do "complete" NC due to kids but I'm going to do every shred of it I can.

juki posted 8/21/2012 15:02 PM

I did warn you :

The fix is real
It feels so right
It lifts me up
It makes me fight

Always looking
Hoping, praying
Give me a sign
And I’ll keep playing

But it’s not there
The elusive shrine
He has no self
So he wants mine

He is disturbed
Who knows why
It matters naught
He craves supply

I am food
And he is greedy
He drinks my tears
And I feel needy

I’ll let him go
I’m deaf to flirting
I only want him
When I’m hurting

Nature_Girl posted 8/21/2012 20:32 PM

Love the verse, Juki. Set it to music & you'll have a winner money maker!

rockbottom2468 posted 8/21/2012 21:20 PM

All good reads. NC is very difficult for me and I need all the help I can get.

MyReturn2Me posted 8/21/2012 22:50 PM

I needed this tonite!

Juki my heart skipped a beat when I read these parts...

But it’s not there
The elusive shrine
He has no self
So he wants mine


I am food
And he is greedy
He drinks my tears
And I feel needy

Awesome reflection of how 'we feel'

Really though he was the greedy, needy one, not me, and now he has none

badd posted 8/22/2012 04:02 AM

Really though he was the greedy, needy one, not me, and now he has none


m334455 posted 8/22/2012 10:43 AM

He has no self
So he wants mine

Wow. That is brilliant.

juki posted 8/22/2012 19:23 PM

I think we need a poetry thread. ...or maybe I do...

nordicbabe posted 8/23/2012 06:07 AM

Great thread. Should be kept on the front page for everyone to refer to regularly.

NoTriangles posted 8/24/2012 03:58 AM

I am grateful for this thread today.

And the poem is fantastic!!

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/13/2013 23:50 PM

Wow. Just found this older post with a poem that I think might find a home in the healing library?

I just allllmost realized tonight that my WS is most likely sociopathic. It shocks to see how blind I have been, although given the shocks daily during last month, im not surprised.

Now how to get out!!!!! Anyone here go completely No Contact and move out of shared home in one day without warning WS?

macakipa posted 5/14/2013 07:46 AM

Love this thread! Thank you for bumping it up TheAgonyOfIt

Ashland13 posted 5/14/2013 09:22 AM

Thank you, this was helpful.

At the beginning of discovery about STBXH, the sociopath term came up when I was researching other things, but I always thought of it as something for the movies-you know, volatile and harmful people, with more physical harm like the murder shows than the mind games.

But after two years of research, it does seem to fit with STBXH and certainly the NPD aspect of his personality. This is one of the first glimpses of light for me, because you know how people tell us, "It's not you, it's him?" People that have told me this don't explain what they mean, so it's been a huge struggle to fathom that I should have found one more thing to do or say to fix it.

But this research also has showed me that this truly is his journey and not mine and that I know now he will never, ever accept any of my help or ideas. Rather, he will help himself to continue blaming me for the rest of his life even though I've not been in it for well over a year.

Yes, I too, struggled with the NC, but I do like some of the posts here say and let myself remember the hurt that will come of communication, not the comfort that I seek. The person I knew is not in the body I see that is his and the voice I hear.

Thanks for the reminders in this post and for the knowledge that others struggle with NC, too. It always feels like I failed or am fishing, but it's legit things like DD, baby coming or house/bills.

Ashland13 posted 5/14/2013 09:26 AM

And some of what I understand of the A and his activities outside of M seem to validate that he could be the lies and mind games she's getting now.

There is literature out there and counselling theories that this type of person will seek another and another person like I used to be, who they think they can manipulate as well, when they see or realize that we won't be doormats any more.

This helped in some ways, to think that OW must be some kind of personality like that, too.

I know...not supposed to giver her head space, but it was to point out a good thing for a change!!

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