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Constant Texting...Says He's Doing Nothing Wrong

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lonelylost posted 9/12/2012 10:18 AM

Here's my story even though I know it's over:

Been married 21 years, right out of High School. Had two children. 11 years ago, WH was acting strange and I searched his car when he was sleeping. I found a letter he wrote to a woman who was trying to break up with him. He stated, "it's not just the sex...I love you..." blah, blah, blah.

I moved out with the kids. One week later he was begging me to come back. I said no, unless we get councelling. We did for 6 months and I forgave him. It was hard but I truly forgave him.

NOW, three weeks ago I notice he puts his phone down fast everytime I come into the room. I pay the cell bill, so I looked up his activity and discovered that he has been texting several women ALL day and ALL night, even until 1AM.

I sent a text to the numbers and asked why they were talking to my husband so much and only one replied; She said WH told her he was DIVORCED!

I confronted WH and he denies everything. Said she is lying. He says he only talks to people and there is nothing wrong with that.

I said it was inappropriate. He talks to these women more that he talks to me.

I moved out again becuase he wouldn't and I couldn't stand watching him text.

In one week I put the house up for sale, cut his phone line, and made him buy his own car.

NOW I'm a WRECK! I'm lonely, I'm sick, I'm sad, and I'm LONELY.

Somebody please confirm, it is not ok to be texting other people all day and all night long....I'm not crazy.

Sorry for is a bad day emotionally.

InRetrospect posted 9/12/2012 10:26 AM

It is completely not okay to text like that; you are not crazy. He is a liar and a cheat, and oh yes, an asshole.

It sounds as though you are doing all the right things. There is so much collective wisdom here; I know you will find help and comfort.

fyou143 posted 9/12/2012 10:28 AM

IT IS NOT OK FOR YOUR SPOUSE TO BE TEXTING OTHER WOMAN especially with his past. He should have more respect you are not wrong to be done with this type of behavior be strong it is hard but you have to do what is right for you!

kchip posted 9/12/2012 10:29 AM

Nothing good comes from compulsive texting like that. Nothing...


[This message edited by kchip at 10:30 AM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 9/12/2012 10:32 AM

No, it is NOT okay for him to be texting all of these other women all day and all night long. ESPECIALLY in conjunction with his betrayal from years ago. You aren't crazy.

He's gaslighting you. He knows it's wrong. Why would he put his phone down so fast whenever you walk into the room??? He's acting like a child--a guilty one. He knows that he told that woman that he was DIVORCED. What an idiot. Do you have any idea of how he has met these people or who they are? (not that it matters really, I'm just curious)

And this.....

In one week I put the house up for sale, cut his phone line, and made him buy his own car for taking a stand against his bullshit.

I'm sorry that your WH has put you in this position, but you WILL be okay.

trebleclef posted 9/12/2012 10:40 AM

If he's not in an A he's either looking or playing with fire. None of which are ok. What you sense yourself is that he is not wholly in your M and you are not his priority. Only you can decide if that's what you want to live with. Kudos to you for your strength. Of course you are sad and lonely. It does get better over time. A long time, unfortunately.

Lovedyoumore posted 9/12/2012 11:00 AM


He crossed the line with the first text, especially if he would not share them with you. She is no friend of him or your M. Especially for any WS, once they cheat, no more private contact with other sex at all. None. no matter how long it has been.

Also, the WS should police themselves. It is not your job. That makes you a gate keeper and they always rebel. If he has no control against NC, be wise.

better4me posted 9/12/2012 11:57 AM

You've gotten some good feedback here already. You're not crazy!! My WH also denied that he was doing anything wrong and said that "nothing happened". Even if nothing physical has happened with these women, boundaries were crossed and every emotional affair (EA) is a hair's breadth away of becoming a physical affair (PA). EAs cause just as much emotional turmoil to the Betrayed Spouse.

Please remember in the midst of all this it is important to take care of yourself emotionally and physically too.

NOW I'm a WRECK! I'm lonely, I'm sick, I'm sad, and I'm LONELY.

Physically: Eat even if you aren't hungry in order to keep up your strength, drink water and fluids, if you can't sleep find some short term help for that, exercise every day. Walk or sit in the sunshine.

Emotionally: Find someone to talk to in real life about this. Don't hesitate to get some individual counseling if that would help. Keep coming back to SI, read the Healing Library information.


Dark Inertia posted 9/12/2012 12:04 PM

I think it is less about him testing other women and more about him telling these women he is divorced. Yeah, serious issue!

Sparkless posted 9/12/2012 12:14 PM

My WW tried to rationalize her affair as not that big of a deal because it was all texting.

First of all, it started as texting but who knows where it would have lead if I hadn't caught her?

Secondly, it almost hurts worse to realize that not only would my wife prefer to be having sex with someone else right now, she would actually prefer to type about sex than to be with me right now. For your H to text other women while you're home is unbelieveably disrespectful (happened to me too). In essence he would rather text with other women than to spend time with you. I know how badly that stings, I still deal with that pain everyday.

[This message edited by Sparkless at 12:15 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

Jrazz posted 9/12/2012 12:23 PM

I'm so sorry, lonelylost. It's not remotely ok.

Take good care of yourself. We're here for you. If this truly is the last straw for you, we have some wonderful members in our Separation/Divorce forum who can lend their experience and support.


ladies_first posted 9/12/2012 12:48 PM

I found a letter he wrote to a woman who was trying to break up with him. He stated, "it's not just the sex...I love you..." blah, blah, blah.

It's not "just" texting ... he's had/having sex with other women.

TrustGone posted 9/12/2012 12:59 PM

Texting other women is wrong, no matter how you look at it. EA usually turn into PA if not caught soon enough. You have already caught him once before, so you know he is capable of cheating on you. You can also bet that this is not the first time this has happened. It's just the first time he got caught. You are doing the right thing. I know it is hard, but if you don't put a stop to it now, it will just get worse for you later on.

Dadtryingtocope posted 9/12/2012 13:13 PM

Ask to see his text messages. If he won't be willing to be totally transparent with his texts then he is guilty as charged here by others. If you do ask to see them and he agrees be prepared as you may not like what you see. I saw the ones my WW was sending and it enraged, hurt, disgusted me.

Be strong and listen to the folks here. They are really really good.

sportsfan posted 9/12/2012 13:26 PM

You've done everything right - he's done everything wrong. He's showing no respect for you or your M. He's an idiot for saying what he's saying. Dumbass.

Read LonleyHusbands thread also in this forum ... just a few threads below yours'.

Good luck with him.

lonelylost posted 9/12/2012 16:25 PM

Thank you all for responding. It really helps hearing from people who know my pain and not just hearing it from my friends.

Thank you!!!!!!

WakingFromADream posted 9/12/2012 23:56 PM

I just wanted to chime in and agree that the amount of texting is not okay. My situation is somewhat similar in that there is about 3,000 texts a month between my WW and the OM going back to at least July of last year. That's compared to about 200 a month between us. I don't really know the contents of the messages but, it boggles the mind as to the amount of time that is spent on this. And that doesn't even touch on whatever they are talking about.

It doesn't make it better but, I know some of what you're going through.


Wishing you the best.

wolf_heart posted 9/13/2012 10:10 AM

Giving attention to other women while ignoring you is never right.

I can look at my WH text log and see where and when their A escalated. It was all in the text. It did eventually turn physical, but it all started with text and a private dinner. This was one of my close friends however, so a little different.

leavemealone posted 9/13/2012 11:36 AM

NOPE, you are not alone in this. My husband is a Yahoo Chatwhore. He's always on messenger, and I found out, has been for as long as Yahoo chat has been around. WE met on Yahoo chat. I'm just the only one he stopped chatting with. I've had clues over the years, but he always had a good explanation of why I was crazy and not seeing what I was seeing. Then last September, I saw with my own eyes, a chat in process while I was getting our son ready for his first day of Kindergarden. Somehow, I forgave him, worked thru everything, and was thinking our marriage was better than ever. Then at the end of July, I found that he had just moved his chatting to his iPhone. I am now in the process of putting my ducks in a row to leave his ass. He is still chatting! I put a keylogger on the computer, and while he's begging me to be reasonable, that he has stopped, I KNOW what he's up to. He'll chat with anyone that will answer. Sometimes he's 28 or 38 or his actual age of 48. Sometimes he's married, sometimes single, sometimed divorced. Once I was dead - and he was the grieving widower. He's never the overweight 48yo married dad of 1. I guess that's the appeal? But it's really makes me feel bad about myself sometimes that he'd rather type sex than actually have sex with me.
I'm proud of you, though, for sticking up for yourself.

40andFab posted 9/13/2012 11:51 AM

Like others have is not ok for him to be texting other women. If it is something that makes him drop his phone when you walk in the room, it is not ok!!!
I am dealing with a very similar situation. Prior PA, thought we had reconciled, just discovered a text relationship he has been having. Not ok.
Stay strong.

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