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Husband is a repeated cheater with same woman

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gotta2know posted 10/11/2012 16:42 PM

I am trying to figure out why my husband repeatedly has contact with a woman he had an affair with. We have been married 16 years and I found out about this 4 month affair 1 1/2 years ago. Since then he has had facebook chats, emails and calling cards, and 1 face to face visit that I know of (I suspect more). I have expressed how much this contact hurts me and our marriage and he always apologizes and says he wants our marriage to work. To my face he is the best husband ever but I know and have caught him doing things he shouldn't be doing behind my back. I want to work it out but I can't tolerate contact with this woman. Thankfully, she lives in another state but they both work for the same company and travel extensively so in the past they have arranged to meet in different cities. My self-esteem is in the dumps and I battle with the fact that I haven't dumped him and I know I should for the repeated contact. He is 45 so I wonder if this is part of the mid-life crisis stuff or what but I do know I can't live like this. I check everything he owns, his phone, his pockets, his car, his computer, his gps, EVERYTHING. It is a miserable life. I get mad at myself for not throwing him out when I do catch him. What's my problem??

heartbroken7110 posted 10/11/2012 18:10 PM

There is NOTHING wrong with you. NOTHING. Theres something wrong with them. My WH cheated with the same women a few times. Before we were married & 2 years into the marriage. He said they were "just friends". Even if this is true a emotional affair (to me) is as BAD as physical. I know unfortunelty from experience:( We r in R & I found myself checking up on him aslo very frequently. Sad way to live & it DOES get exhausting. I feel that if they keep going back to that same person to cheat maybe thats who there supose to b with:( WTF is so STRONG about that connection to them that they keep GOING BACK?! We r there spouses!! THe one they were suppose to be with till death do us part right?! What a joke. THIS all sucks, sorry to hear your in the same boat as me.

authenticnow posted 10/11/2012 18:44 PM

Hi Gotta,

Welcome to SI. I'm glad you found us. You'll get a lot of support here.

Are you in IC? Maybe you can gain some insight as to why you are allowing him to treat you this way.

Read the Healing Library (top left). Look for the 180. This sounds like the perfect time for that.

Keep posting.


fourever posted 10/11/2012 19:38 PM

I am so sorry. But, why on earth are you putting up with this? You are not in R if he is doing this.

He's cake eating, and totally disrespecting you.

Do you know if she's married? Tell the husband, yesterday.

Then get angry, I mean REALLY ANGRY. This is unacceptable. Go see an attorney, you don't have to do anything, but discuss your rights and options.

Squirrel some funds away in your own name (Half your joint accounts) and put your foot down. You are allowing this, so why should he stop?

Clearly, he's not remorseful. Pull up the boot straps, find your inner bitch and if he doesn't fly right, move his things into the yard and change the locks next "business trip". Mean business.

If you don't take a stand, you will live like this always. I know that is not what you want. No one would.

He cannot be "friends" with an affair partner and pretend to be the happy, loving married guy! Call him out. Do it for you!!

We are here to help you navigate this. Don't be afraid, just take our strength. You will be surprised at your own strength.


confused615 posted 10/11/2012 20:07 PM

Absolutely unacceptable.

D-day was 18 months ago..and since then he has continued the affair..including meeting her in person.


Honey,you need to put your bitch boots on.

Tell him if he wants to stay married to you,he has to block her on facebook,block her on his email account,and send her a no contact email telling her she is to never contact him again.

He is fully aware that continuing to contact OW is hurting you and the marriage,yet he does it anyway. That is NOT something a WH does if he wants to save his marriage.

Has he given you full transparency? Do you have full access to all of his online accounts,and his cell..passwords included?

If OW is married,you need to call her BH and let him know. Don't send him a message on facebook,or an email. Since she knows you knows,she is watching for you to make contact. She will stop him from getting those messages.

Mid life crisis or's no excuse for his shitty behavior. Continuing to contact OW after he has seen how his affair has destroyed you is cruel and abusive.

Nothing is wrong with you,honey. Nothing t all. You've been betrayed by the one person who is supposed to protect you.

His continued contact with her means he is still having an affair with her. Tell him he can stay NC with her,or GTFO. You deserve better.

Have you been tested for STD's? Please do so..and insist he do the same..with the results sent to you. Even if he says there was no sex of any kind. Cheaters lie and minimize.


[This message edited by confused615 at 8:19 PM, October 11th (Thursday)]

gotta2know posted 10/11/2012 20:28 PM

Boy, you guys don't mess around! I am so hurt I can't make decisions. I'm afraid of divorce. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid no one will love me again. I'm afraid of losing the good part of my husband. I have stooped so low as to recording him. I bought a recorder that I put in his car so I can hear what he's doing in his car since he spends a lot of time there. When he is home I also record him while I am at work. At home on his laptop I can hear the bleep of facebook instant messaging. I heard this one morning in the last 2 weeks. I haven't heard anything in his car yet. I have his passwords but I believe he has a fake facebook. She is blocked on his facebook that I see and I have tried to bring her up but I can't. I saw in his google history that he brings her up and goes to his messages so I KNOW he has a fake account. I am depressed and devastated. I haven't even confronted him about the facebook yet, I don't want the fight. I also don't want to face the truth. I wish so much that he would just let me go and stop confusing me with saying that he wants our marriae to work. I can't make the break when he gives me such false hope. It's hard to believe that I have allowed this to happen to me. I am an intelligent person capable of making it on my own and yet I stay. This is the worst thing I have ever been thru. Sometimes I wish I would have thrown him out 1 1/2 years ago, the pain of divorce would be well in my rearview mirror. I guess "things happen for a reason". I'm hoping that reason will show up soon because this is MISERABLE.

Williesmom posted 10/11/2012 20:33 PM


I'm so sorry that you're here. Part of the reason you're miserable is that you are being totally disrespected, and you're in limbo.

You have a choice in this. Don't allow this to continue. Take control of how you will allow yourself to be treated.

Don't allow this horseshit. You deserve to be cherished. Demand it.

confused615 posted 10/11/2012 20:43 PM

You have not stooped low by recording him. He is having an affair. He has waged war on your heart and your marriage. You are arming yourself with knowledge. There is nothing wrong with that.

Put a keylogger on the computer. That will tell you what his fake facebook name is. It will also show you any secret email accounts he has,or any other online accounts that he has that you don't know about. It will give you the passwords. DON'T tell him it's there.

Im so sorry. he is being cruel. These are not the actions of a man who wants to stay married.

Oh...and tell him one of your requirements for R is he finds another job. He used his job to have this affair.

fourever posted 10/11/2012 21:36 PM

Honey, we don't mess around because we've watched a hundred or more just like you waste your time and life with spouses like your husband.

He IS having an affair, still. If not with her, another.
The one thing that makes some of us crazy, it watching you and others let these POS men tramp all over you.
MARRIED MEN DON'T GET TO HAVE GIRLFRIENDS. Just not open for discussion at all. Period.
Did you agree to an open marriage?
Highly unlikely. He's crapping on you.
Time to protect yourself. Buck up, call an attorney and throw his ass out. He doesn't deserve you until his head comes out of his ass. He's stringing you along and using you. Honestly, is that the marriage you want? Please listen, and let us guide you. You are not weak. You are in shock and hurt like nothing else hurts.
Kick his ass, and he'll most likely come running home. He's not there now. He's lying and cheating you out of a marriage with someone who should love you. He's lying. Get Mad.

sadkat14 posted 10/11/2012 21:59 PM

Hi Gotta,

I am sorry to hear you in such pain. Not knowing what to believe, not knowing what is real creates enormous anxiety. For the first 4 months after my final d day my fWH tt'd like crazy!! My reaction was to become super sleuth, so I understand how bad the constant viligance can make you feel.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Clearly you are not ready to make a decision about your marriage , AND THAT'S OK! Start small. Maybe you can make a list of steps you can take that will help you in reaching a decision. ( 1. Make a list :) ).

I don't know what you might want on your list but maybe you should consider things like contact a counselor, make an appointment, etc.

It seems from what you have written that while your husband says he wants your marriage his actions tell you otherwise. Here is the thing, people who cheat and tell lies also lie to themselves. He may have told himself that he can have both your marriage and the affair, hence his continuing to give you mixed messages. But that is on him and you need to take care of yourself.

Have you had a chance to read some of the info in the healing library? You'll probably find some helpful stuff there.

Remember you are so much more than a BS, you deserve to be in a healthy relationship, and your husbands choice to sneak and lie is due to his wounds and what is broken inside him, it is not your fault.

Take care.

Jaegermeister posted 10/11/2012 22:12 PM

I'm sorry to hear you Sree in such pain.. It's a terrible place to be..

I'm going to speak from my own experience, I kept contact it's my mOW after our affair ended from time to time, and that was never acceptable, I even turn to her for advice and as a sounding board after my WW affair was coming to light..l none of this was anything short of selfish and disrespectful on my part. I gave little to no thought about how it would make my partner feel, and by doing that I put her in second place.

Took my IC to help me with my issues and have a few light bulb moments, and I can now say I'm happy to send that NC letter, of course all contact has ceased, and all contact blocked/forwarded to my WW and I feel better for it, I don't want to persue it any longer, I have learnt how to process my emotions, my fight or flight response and how to be a better man for it, I can't believe how selfish and disrespectful I had been, my head was so far up my own arse it hurt to pull it out, but I am glad I did, and I hope your partner does too, it takes work and a WANT to R, but until this stops, it's not true R, a lesson I speak from experience, and you can't buy that...

gotta2know posted 10/11/2012 23:02 PM

I am going to get me some "bitch boots"! I am allowing myself some time to be hurt, mourn the loss of my marriage and build up some guts to face the divorce option. I don't want to throw it out until I'm ready to accept the consequences. I'd really like him to wake up and pull his head out of his ass but he is also dumb enough to be stubborn and walk away. He doesn't have a lot of patience for my "down" times and believes his actions show that he does choose me. He really believes that he has chosen me every time I have confronted him and he stays. I don't agree AT ALL! I have told him that his repeated contact makes me 2nd and that it shows me that her feelings are more important than mine. I am finally getting angry, I was so shocked and hurt for so long that I didn't have any other feelings. I cried all the time and still do tear up frequently. She is a married, trashy B**** with 5 kids. I have contacted her a couple of times and told her to come get him, he's her problem and my trash! I have also called her husband early on but my husband tells me that she has convinced him that what I said is not true. Part of what keeps me here is that I don't want to deal with what lies ahead in the future dealing with blended families, grandkids, etc. I have a 22 year old from a previous marriage and we have 2 kids together that are 12 and 15. I feel terrible for them, too. Blended families can be a whole other set of issues. I really appreciate the honest truth from you guys even though facing it is a little tough.

kansas1968 posted 10/12/2012 02:24 AM

You will find someone to "love you again" when you learn to love yourself. I know your self-esteem is in the toilet right now, but you have got to have a talk with yourself about what it is you like about you and that you are worthy of being treated with respect.
People only do to us what we allow them to do. He has got a wonderful set up right now. You are enabling him to be a dispicable, dishonorable, human being. He is hurting you, your family, and is hurting her family.
See an attorney, get your ducks in a row if you need to divorce, get some money put away, and then lower the boom on him.
You might be surprised by what happens. The bitch treatment may jerk him back out of the fog. If not, all you have lost is a cheater.
Hugs and strength to you. We all know how scary and hard this is but 180's have been known to create miracles.

gotta2know posted 10/12/2012 02:52 AM

I read the 180 and that is the short term direction I want to head. My focus since this has happened has been fixing the marriage. I think focusing on me and being a little selfish might be a good thing in many ways. I have always felt like he takes my feelings and talks to her about it and I hate that B**** knowing anything about me, especially how much I have been hurt by THEIR actions. The part that is hard to put in the back of my mind is that I know she is always there for him, at least electronically.

Sue1964 posted 10/12/2012 03:11 AM

My h been having and on n off affair I with same woman for 4 years this month both me and ow taken him back 10-11 times I've now moved back in family home much to everts heads saying run but my heart is telling me different I'm so confused,

Diva0702 posted 10/12/2012 03:19 AM

What your H is doing to you is nothing short of abuse. Like everyone else here, he IS having an affair with this woman, and treating YOU like a doormat. Wiping his feet all over you while you lie down and smile about it.

You deserve someone who will love and respect you enough to protect your dignity.

180. That's the only way to let this asshole know that you will NOT tolerate anymore of his abuse.

Diva0702 posted 10/12/2012 03:19 AM

What your H is doing to you is nothing short of abuse. Like everyone else here, he IS having an affair with this woman, and treating YOU like a doormat. Wiping his feet all over you while you lie down and smile about it.

You deserve someone who will love and respect you enough to protect your dignity.

180. That's the only way to let this asshole know that you will NOT tolerate anymore of his abuse.

Diva0702 posted 10/12/2012 03:19 AM

What your H is doing to you is nothing short of abuse. Like everyone else here, he IS having an affair with this woman, and treating YOU like a doormat. Wiping his feet all over you while you lie down and smile about it.

Double post! Sorry!

You deserve someone who will love and respect you enough to protect your dignity.

180. That's the only way to let this asshole know that you will NOT tolerate anymore of his abuse.

[This message edited by Diva0702 at 3:20 AM, October 12th (Friday)]

gotta2know posted 10/12/2012 03:19 AM

It sounds like sue1964 and I are going through the same thing. I do feel bad for you in the fact that you had the guts to leave and now you are going back to the family home. The ticket for the affair roller coaster SUCKS and is expensive. I wish they would grow up and realize how much their back and forth hurts!

gotta2know posted 10/12/2012 03:59 AM

I just found out through his google mail history that he facebooked her again on Thursday. I am done! This is it for me! Going to confront him Sunday night and tell him to get out. I will let you know how that goes. My 22 year old daughter is home for a visit and we have our taxes to finish. Sunday we are finished.

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