Welcome to SI. I'm glad you found us. You'll get a lot of support here.
Are you in IC? Maybe you can gain some insight as to why you are allowing him to treat you this way.
Read the Healing Library (top left). Look for the 180. This sounds like the perfect time for that.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Do you know if she's married? Tell the husband, yesterday.
Then get angry, I mean REALLY ANGRY. This is unacceptable. Go see an attorney, you don't have to do anything, but discuss your rights and options.
Squirrel some funds away in your own name (Half your joint accounts) and put your foot down. You are allowing this, so why should he stop?
Clearly, he's not remorseful. Pull up the boot straps, find your inner bitch and if he doesn't fly right, move his things into the yard and change the locks next "business trip". Mean business.
If you don't take a stand, you will live like this always. I know that is not what you want. No one would.
He cannot be "friends" with an affair partner and pretend to be the happy, loving married guy! Call him out. Do it for you!!
We are here to help you navigate this. Don't be afraid, just take our strength. You will be surprised at your own strength.
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
D-day was 18 months ago..and since then he has continued the affair..including meeting her in person.
Honey,you need to put your bitch boots on.
Tell him if he wants to stay married to you,he has to block her on facebook,block her on his email account,and send her a no contact email telling her she is to never contact him again.
He is fully aware that continuing to contact OW is hurting you and the marriage,yet he does it anyway. That is NOT something a WH does if he wants to save his marriage.
Has he given you full transparency? Do you have full access to all of his online accounts,and his cell..passwords included?
If OW is married,you need to call her BH and let him know. Don't send him a message on facebook,or an email. Since she knows you knows,she is watching for you to make contact. She will stop him from getting those messages.
Mid life crisis or not..it's no excuse for his shitty behavior. Continuing to contact OW after he has seen how his affair has destroyed you is cruel and abusive.
Nothing is wrong with you,honey. Nothing t all. You've been betrayed by the one person who is supposed to protect you.
His continued contact with her means he is still having an affair with her. Tell him he can stay NC with her,or GTFO. You deserve better.
Have you been tested for STD's? Please do so..and insist he do the same..with the results sent to you. Even if he says there was no sex of any kind. Cheaters lie and minimize.
[This message edited by confused615 at 8:19 PM, October 11th (Thursday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I'm so sorry that you're here. Part of the reason you're miserable is that you are being totally disrespected, and you're in limbo.
You have a choice in this. Don't allow this to continue. Take control of how you will allow yourself to be treated.
Don't allow this horseshit. You deserve to be cherished. Demand it.
Put a keylogger on the computer. That will tell you what his fake facebook name is. It will also show you any secret email accounts he has,or any other online accounts that he has that you don't know about. It will give you the passwords. DON'T tell him it's there.
Im so sorry. he is being cruel. These are not the actions of a man who wants to stay married.
Oh...and tell him one of your requirements for R is he finds another job. He used his job to have this affair.
He IS having an affair, still. If not with her, another.
The one thing that makes some of us crazy, it watching you and others let these POS men tramp all over you.
MARRIED MEN DON'T GET TO HAVE GIRLFRIENDS. Just not open for discussion at all. Period.
Did you agree to an open marriage?
Highly unlikely. He's crapping on you.
Time to protect yourself. Buck up, call an attorney and throw his ass out. He doesn't deserve you until his head comes out of his ass. He's stringing you along and using you. Honestly, is that the marriage you want? Please listen, and let us guide you. You are not weak. You are in shock and hurt like nothing else hurts.
Kick his ass, and he'll most likely come running home. He's not there now. He's lying and cheating you out of a marriage with someone who should love you. He's lying. Get Mad.
I am sorry to hear you in such pain. Not knowing what to believe, not knowing what is real creates enormous anxiety. For the first 4 months after my final d day my fWH tt'd like crazy!! My reaction was to become super sleuth, so I understand how bad the constant viligance can make you feel.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Clearly you are not ready to make a decision about your marriage , AND THAT'S OK! Start small. Maybe you can make a list of steps you can take that will help you in reaching a decision. ( 1. Make a list :) ).
I don't know what you might want on your list but maybe you should consider things like contact a counselor, make an appointment, etc.
It seems from what you have written that while your husband says he wants your marriage his actions tell you otherwise. Here is the thing, people who cheat and tell lies also lie to themselves. He may have told himself that he can have both your marriage and the affair, hence his continuing to give you mixed messages. But that is on him and you need to take care of yourself.
Have you had a chance to read some of the info in the healing library? You'll probably find some helpful stuff there.
Remember you are so much more than a BS, you deserve to be in a healthy relationship, and your husbands choice to sneak and lie is due to his wounds and what is broken inside him, it is not your fault.
I'm going to speak from my own experience, I kept contact it's my mOW after our affair ended from time to time, and that was never acceptable, I even turn to her for advice and as a sounding board after my WW affair was coming to light..l none of this was anything short of selfish and disrespectful on my part. I gave little to no thought about how it would make my partner feel, and by doing that I put her in second place.
Took my IC to help me with my issues and have a few light bulb moments, and I can now say I'm happy to send that NC letter, of course all contact has ceased, and all contact blocked/forwarded to my WW and I feel better for it, I don't want to persue it any longer, I have learnt how to process my emotions, my fight or flight response and how to be a better man for it, I can't believe how selfish and disrespectful I had been, my head was so far up my own arse it hurt to pull it out, but I am glad I did, and I hope your partner does too, it takes work and a WANT to R, but until this stops, it's not true R, a lesson I speak from experience, and you can't buy that...
Double post! Sorry!
You deserve someone who will love and respect you enough to protect your dignity.
180. That's the only way to let this asshole know that you will NOT tolerate anymore of his abuse.
[This message edited by Diva0702 at 3:20 AM, October 12th (Friday)]