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User Topic: Just A Mess
♂ 37155
Member # 37155
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, October 15th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A very long story. I met my wife when I was 19. She was my first sexual encounter. Moved in after about 3 weeks, we were having sex after 1 week. We didnt date as such, it was very sexual. My wife had been sexually assaulted numerous times before I met her. When she was 14 she was raped by a teenager aquaintance.

She then was also raped by a boyfriend quite a few times during a abusive relationship, through their time together of about 3 years. Another time she was raped by an older man, when she stayed at his and his wifes house. The wife left for work in the morning and he raped her. She claims she was too afraid to stop him.

Another time she says she went home with a couple of guys after her 18th birthday, and you guessed it the guy raped her. Another time she was physically touched and this is the only time she laid charges, and the man was sent to jail. So a lot happenned to her before we got together. She never got much support from her family etc. or counselling to help with this.

We got together and it was all fun and such. She told me about her past problems, and i was fine with it. She was always extremely touchy, and edgy. One little disagreement and she would go off, many times punching and hitting me etc. Getting on with this we got together in 1995.

Around 1998, i went away for a weekend to my parents, and she didnt come because we had one of those little disagreements before. So she stayed home, we had a male flatmate. I went away and came home. She was so happy to see me. But very insistent in going to new years where this flatmate was. We got there, and that night, she said she wanted to break up. So we kinda did, but not really, and we had new years together with the flatmate at a few nightclubs. We came home, for a few days before the flatmate came back. Over the next few weeks we got back together. About a few weeks later the flatmate moved out.

Fast forward to 2000, and my wife became pregnant with our first child. She suffered a lot of depression, i was working long hours, and no support from her family. We had our second child in 2003, depression really bad after this as well.In 2004 we had our first (really second problem). My wife went with friends and their 15 year old nephew away for the day, as I couldnt get babysistting for our child. She came home and over the next few days behaved weird and got many text messages on our mobile, but wouldnt show me.

At the third day I came home. And she told me to sit down. She had been caught out by the 15 years old sisters who read his phone and told their mum. The mum told our friend that if my wife didnt stop what she was doing she would tell me. They had basically been sexting each other to the point where she was organising for him to leave school at lunchtime and meet at our house, whilst i was at work and the child was in babysitting. I was shocked and heartbroken. Didnt know at the time but I was too weak,and she really didnt get any consequences for it. A bit later we were having a fight, and she blurted out, no wonder i didnt tell you about me and the flatmate sleeping in his bed that night you went to your parents. She claims she was upset, and needed someone in the bed. She claims nothing happenned. Her version of events is he tried to get her drunk, so guess what she slept in his bed, but they didnt touch each other. She didnt even like him apparently. I rang this guy, and he said nothing happenned that night, but they did have sex later. When I said to him, he better not be lying, he said he has nothing to gain from telling me lies. She has continually denied this. Okay another thing to give me nightmares over. How the hell can you do that, again i really didnt give her consequences. I do know they never communicated again after he moved out.

We never really got going properly again. I always mulled over everything, occasionally just bluring out stuff about this to hurt her at times. She was still very depressed, on and off medication etc. Still physically abusive etc to me.

2009 she begins a emotional affair on facebook with another guy(45 year old) from overseas. Goes on for about 3 months before i had enough of her spending all her time on facebook, and i installed a spy program, and got copies of all her conversations. I hit her with it and she went off her head even to the point of saying she would hurt the kids. I rang the police and they took her to hospital for an assessment. They said she was fine and wouldnt hurt the kids. I sent her packing to her parents and she stayed there for about 3 days before she came home, and we sorta swept it under the carpet. She has over all this time quite a few times threatening suicide, been admitted to hospital a few times.

Now I did something stupid. I started confiding things in my mates wife. Now there is no way in hell i am attracted to her. But she was good to talk to. It was basically her saying flirty stuff, and me not stopping her. I never said i wanted her or wanted to do anything. But she did send me photos and video of herself. She is an extremely damaged woman who cheats constantly.

I guess the attention made me feel good. In the end i told my wife about what was going on, just after the woman told me she loved me. There is no way in hell, anything would of happenned or would of. But yes I can say i guess i had an emotional affair of my own then.

Late last year she needs to go to here aunties place to help her female 14 year old cousin who has been sexually assaulted. Her cousin was going to court. I began to feel funny when she acted weird on her text messages etc. She rings me on the day before she was coming home, and says she was bringing her 17 year old male cousin home for a few weeks. i say no, i just lost my father, i dont want anyone here. She in the end says ok, i wont bring him. Next morning she rings, and says he's coming i dont care what you say.

Well they get here and over the next few days , not much, just feeling uncomfortable as they seem to be way too touch feely for cousins. On the wednesday night, she tells me she wants him to move in, as it would be much better for him here as he doesnt like it at his mothers. We fight, and i say no way. Next night i go into the computer room , and find him on the seat perched behind my wife. I go off, but she just says i am being silly. He stays for another week, i dont know why or how i let him stay, but nothing major, but small stuff that cousins dont do . REMEMBER i was at work during the day but who knows.

Also whilst he was here i kept saying to her , that what looked to be going on wasnt right, and she kept saying you are being silly. You need help maybe you need to see a shrink, you are going crazy. Weeks later she tell whilst she was at her aunties, the 17 year old male cousin (who has autism, and is a drug user etc, dropkick) told her he wanted to sleep with her. She said she was feeling attracted to him (apparently they have an emotional connection) but told him she couldnt because she was married and he was her cousin. During this time they were still talking on phone and texting. Also i told her mother about this and his mother, but they dismissed it. My wife even made me apoligize to him and his mother for suggesting this stuff was going onBeen a year now, we have done some counselling etc, but nothing really going there. She hasnt had any contact with him since. Says she doesnt even think about him. She says how silly she was, and doesnt know why i stay with her.

We are just going through the motions. I always ponder over whether she has had sex with the cousin, or the flatmate. She has always denied this, even at points where she is so broken down emotionally she is going to kill herself.

I dont really know what to do. I do love her, but always in the back of my mind is all this crap. year. Any thoughts.

[This message edited by annoyedman1976 at 11:47 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2012
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome. and so sorry you have to be here.

It's so hard to exist when your gut is telling you one thing so loudly, and everyone else denies it. I know that feeling.

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 9045 | Registered: Jan 2008
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI

It sounds like there are many things going on with your wife. In your counseling, have you brought up your concerns with your wife having some boundary issues and that you think that her choices might be due to her past of being raped? For a counselor can only work with the knowledge that they have. Her outbursts of anger and violence should be brought out too, as well as her bouts of depression. She might bring out issues about you too so you'll have to think if they are real or if they are attempts to take the focus off of her.

Since the computer and phone show no irregular activity then it is possible that she has gone "underground" or has ceased. Her behaviors in other areas may be a clue into which of the 2 is correct.

Posts: 54405 | Registered: Jun 2007
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like a lot of raping going on before you met her. Not saying it isn't true, just wondering how someone could put themselves in that situation so many times with so many different people. It also sounds like she has never known how to set boundaries and that is what she is continung to do now. She needs some serious psychological help and I hope she gets it. Until she does, you will continue to have to live like this. Sending you prayers and hugs.

BS-55 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 9061 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 24924
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like a lot of raping going on before you met her. Not saying it isn't true, just wondering how someone could put themselves in that situation so many times with so many different people.

This is what I thought too, when I read the post. Was she just imagining it, or was she lying? A woman who has been raped is usually very careful about who she hangs around or becomes involved with and is careful about the situations she allows herself to get into. I'm not saying it can't be true, but I think it's highly unlikely. What does she call rape? Be careful.

If she has suicide thoughts, there is a clue that she is unstable.

You do have a choice. You don't have to feel obligated to stay with her, even though it seems like nothing is going on right now; there may be something going on or there may not be. It's really hard to tell. My point is, don't feel like you have to stay with her just because it's been a year since there have been signs. Sometimes it takes a person a year, sometimes longer, to process everything enough to make a decision, and that's okay.

Me-50 BW

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M

Posts: 3204 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With all those rapes, with the suicide threats, it really sounds like your wife manipulates the situation and plays the victim to get what she wants in life. Putting aside the infidelities, she is having VERY inappropriate interactions with CHILDREN, if not having sex with them, there are some MAJOR issues with your wife. And it's pretty clear that you don't mind much as you've been, up to this point, sweeping everything under the rug and letting her get away with it for well over a decade now. At this point, she has zero motivation to change becuase you're still here and always have been, and she has really no motivation to work on herself as you've helped her rug sweep every one of her issues all along.

IMO, she needs some time away from you, and you need some time away from her, and you both need to work on your own personal issues. At that point, maybe then you guys can work on your issues together. That's just my opinion though. Either way, your wife needs some serious, and long term, help.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry,but I think your wife has some DEEP,serious issues.

She seems to have a thing for under aged young men.

I think her stories or multiple rapes are suspicious.

She has threatened to harm innocent children.

She is physically abusive.

She threatens suicide as a way to manipulate you into shutting up about her bad behaviors.

Insist she got to IC..and that she signs a release for the IC to talk to you.

This woman is unstable. And possibly dangerous.

((((annoyedman and kids))))

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 35507
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, October 17th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage have a very sad story. I am sorry that you are suffering from all this craziness. Your wife has some very serious issues that you are not equipped to deal with. It is only going to get worse. She needs professional long term help. It sounds like something terrible happened to your W in her past that is making her act out this way. Normal people do not behave this way. It is time to have a frank talk with her mother and other relatives to find out what occurred. You need to know her true history so you can get the proper help in place.

Unfortunately, I am suspicious of all her claims of rape. Not saying it didn't happen because I wasn't there and anything is possible but usually a rape victim is very cautious around men and tries to stay out of situations that she would have no control over. She seriously needs to be in intensive IC and possibly meds. She may still be a danger to you, herself, and your children. It is your responsibility to protect your children from harm and since she has threatened them in the past you need to ensure their safety.

She is acting very inappropriate with young males and possibly criminally if she had sex with an underaged teen. How do you know what actually occurred with the 15 yr old or the 17 yr old cousin?

Are you sure your children will be safe from all forms of harm until they reach adulthood? You have a huge mess on your hands and you cannot fix it or repair it on your own. You need help and you need it fast. Please reach out to social services and take advantage of their programs, they are there to help families like you. Again, I am so very sorry for your pain.

Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
♂ 37155
Member # 37155
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have booked her in to the GP for a mental health assessment, and possibly back on anti depressants. Her mum concurs with all the past events before me. She did get her counselling, but it didnt seem to do much. She was strong willed, and frankly i think her mum swept it under the carpet as too hard to deal with. Her mum was also a victim of sexual assault, and was made to give up that baby.

I myself will be getting some IC to help me deal with this. Nothing definately happenned with the 15 year old, it was caught quickly by that boys sisters and their mother told. My wife came clean with it then. If it had of gone sexual, she could of been locked up. She still told me not long ago, that if anything did happen, it was only going to affect her. I said what a load of crap, it would of impacted us all.

I dont know where to go with her. She hasnt worked basically since she fell pregnant with the first child. Now she has a stomach problem, which means she is in constant pain. Dont think I want to live with this for the rest of my life.

She does love the kids very much, and I dont think she would ever hurt them..

The cousin thing, this is just sick. She told me that she didnt mean to go down there and fall in love. Who knows if they did have sex, she denies it. But she constantly lied about this and a lot of other stuff. So who would know.

Dont know how she could do that to us, when she seemed fine when she went. All just too much at the moment, 1 year after this.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 37155
Member # 37155
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has had individual counselling for about 2 years going over the rape and sexual abuse. I went with her for about the last year after the cousin event. The counsellor knew everything, and thought a lot of it had to do with being sexually abused when she was 14. He claimed that she probably has a personality disorder, and he actually asked her a couple of times, whether there was someone other than my wife in there. In the end he really wasnt doing anything. He enjoyed talking more about his cars then doing anything for us. So we are going to try to find a new one in the next couple of weeks.

Any thoughts on getting the wife to do a polygraph to see if she has in fact sexually cheated on me, not that it really matters. But it does to me.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2012
broken <3
♀ 35098
Member # 35098
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are doing an aweful lot for your wife and I am truly sorry for her past. I too am a victim of sexual abuse and assault. In reality people wonder why I continued to put myself in "those" situations etc - but really it was because I didn't know better. It took a lot of therapy etc to get myself to where I am now.
That aside - I'm concerned about you! You need help, too. Being a caregiver can be exhausting and hard - please look into that and follow up with your own dr for help as well.
Have you gotten std testing? - that is something that must be done ASAP. I'm not sure where you are posting from but feel free to PM me - I am currently on medical leave from my job - I was an addictions counsellor. PTSD is tied very closely with addictions especially since I primarily saw first nations people in Canada. It's a melding of many traumas and hopefully I can help your situation.
Take care of YOU and everything else usually falls into place.

Me - BS mother of 2year old identical twin girls (conceived during HB)
Him - serial cheater
R? Still not sure if this is a deal breaker...

Posts: 484 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West coast Canada
broken <3
♀ 35098
Member # 35098
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - we cross- posted! As for the poly, please take or leave this suggestion - I would wait until you all are more stable. First things first - std testing for the pair of you and no sex without protection (and I would rather say no sex at all) until the results come back. Please read the healing library here if you haven't already. I'm not one to do arm chair diagnoses but there very well may be a personality disorder. Find a good psychiatrist and a great PTSD therapist (the PTSD is for you both).
Take care!

Me - BS mother of 2year old identical twin girls (conceived during HB)
Him - serial cheater
R? Still not sure if this is a deal breaker...

Posts: 484 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West coast Canada
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 18th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Firstly, I am so sorry you find yourself here. although this is the best place to deal with infidelity.

Second, Please contact your local domestic violence abuse shelter for recommendations on therapists for you and your wife.

Her sexual assaults have left her with very poor boundaries.. (it may be a family thing, regarding the cousin) and a lot of sexual assault victims handle things very polar opposite. One may be very leary around men... another may feel that if she controls the sexual encounters-she is in control and not a victim.

It is convoluted, but getting her the proper therapist will help her and you.

Good luck

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♂ 37155
Member # 37155
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 19th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wife has had a std check just recently it all came back clear. Although they didnt test for herpes, because she does get cold sores at times of stress, it wouldnt come back reliably. Is it even worth me doing the same checks. I have never been with anyone else.

I will leave the polygraph till after she has been to a new psychologist, and it seems to be getting somewhere.

She seems to be very sorry for her actions, we will see how we go.

[This message edited by annoyedman1976 at 11:51 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 37155
Member # 37155
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, October 25th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really struggling. Want to go down and rip the cousin's head off. But I know, thats not the answer. She is more to blame than him.

But how can i let him get away with it. Seems in most cases i read there is a spouse on the other person.

My wife seems to pick single and generally young people to do this with. I am nearly too ashamed to tell say the cousins friends etc. It will come back at me all over facebook etc.

Maybe i am trying to save face, as i am too embarassed by it all.

So hard at the moment.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, October 25th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro, while I understand your anger here. Your not looking at this rationally. This kid is only 15. He does not have the mental capacity to understand the severity of whats going on here. All he knows is that an older woman has shown sexual interest in him. He is turned on by it all and is not to blame. This is why its against the law !!!! Its quite common for an abused person to become an abuser themselves. Its a vicious cycle that continues until the person gets help or the law intervenes. Your WW has some serious issues that need to be dealt with now. She is a repeat offender here. And if you find out she did sleep with this kid and do not tell the authorities. Your criminally liable as well. Keep your focus on the real issue here. And the issue is your WW. Would you have the same frame of mind if the 15 yo was your daughter and the adult was your cousin ? I think not. Personally I could not be in a M with a person who is a child abuser. And thats where this was heading if it has not already happened. Just because the underage victim was male does not negate the crime. You have a very serious problem on your hands. I suggest you keep your mind on what really is going on here.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
♂ 37155
Member # 37155
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wife and I are booked in seperately to see a clinical psychologist at the end of next week. Hoping to have a better experience with this lady, then the last man.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 37155
Member # 37155
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would people think of my thoughts of my wife, writing a post in the Wayward Side forum.?

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 35917
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The WS forum is incredibly helpful for those who want to get help. Sometimes we get WS who do not truly want to fix themselves, so there is that possibility too, but there are WS who smell it a mile away.

Are you ok with her possibly figuring out who you are and reading your posts? That is the only issue I personally have. It would take away SI as my safe place. My H said he wasn't interested in posting, just reading what I say. At that point it's not a tool for him to use to fix himself, it's just him monitoring my healing. Like reading a journal. I don't read his journal because that is his place to work on his healing. This is my place to work on mine.

If you think she is truly remorseful and willing to do the hard work for R, and she is in IC, then please send her to the WS forum. There are lots of us willing to help! You just need a few ground rules about both being on SI. Some of the SI couples on here have a really good system between them and it's because they have an agreement and follow it.

"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
♂ 37155
Member # 37155
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both the wife and I saw the psychologist seperately last week. Wife went through all her past events, except the cousin event.

I had a good session. She seems to think i maybe just staying for the children. Kinda relates back she says to my mother who stayed for so long with multiple infidelites by my father.

My wife still doesnt want to talk about past events with me, says she will talk to the psychologist. She doesnt want to go there, its too painful apparently. So that leaves me in limbo, because I know she has only told me a little of the total story.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2012
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