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Doubt in New Relationships

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harbindoc posted 10/25/2012 23:30 PM

Forgive me, this may be a bit lengthy. Awhile back, I posted about a guy I met. He has one big issue.. he dated someone briefly in the spring... he believed she was cheating on him, so he broke it off with her. Shortly after that she claimed she was pregnant. He is not sure if baby is his, but has hired a lawyer to initiate a paternity test when child is born. He is not doing this so much to prove baby is not his... he wants to be a part of the child's life if it is his, and she is refusing to allow this right now. He told me all of this on our first date, to give me the option to run away. Well I didn't... and we have been "dating" for about a month.
I really like him. He is a good guy, (yes he has made some mistakes, and has all this drama with the above situation). I think what drew me to him was his honesty about all of it. I trust him.
Now here comes my issues.. I feel like I am often times not capable of being "excited" about a new relationship. I miss the familiar of my marriage. I miss feeling that secure feeling. I know my marriage was not secure.. after all look at how it turned out. But just the nervous, anxious, feeling of "where is this all going" with this new man is bringing up a lot of issues for me.
I know this is my first relationship post divorce. I have dated casually before him, but I have not met anyone I could see myself really being with until now... and it's scary. He seems emotionally mature, he understands the BS issues, he communicates well, and he's cute! So what is wrong with me? Why does it sometimes bring up the issues surrounding my marriage and missing my old life pre-A? I want to give this relationship a chance.. I want to see where it goes... I am not in a rush by any means.. but why do I doubt it so much? Why can't I just let go and see what happens? I want to be able to fall madly in love with someone, and I could see myself doing that with this guy.. but I just can't seem to "get there". We don't have all the inside jokes that me and EX had.. we don't share children, we don't have the history... we don't really know each other yet. I feel like this should be the best part of a relationship the beginning, getting to know one another, developing a history, developing those inside jokes... getting familiar with eachtoher... so why is it sometimes painful. I want to enter into it with reckless abandon.. and I just can't. Am I forever ruined because of what EX did? I don't feel like I have trust issues, I don't feel like I am bitter, or have given up on love... so why am I so cautious? Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do about it. I really like this guy, and I am in a space right now where I really like myself... so why is all of this shit coming up???

HappilyUnMarried posted 10/26/2012 00:33 AM

Well, I seems to me that your brain is providing the function that it should be providing you... protection. It's protecting your heart. Your heart is not healed fully so your subconscious brain is watching over it!

In order for your heart to break again you will have to open it up. This takes a while. I think it took me 3 years from D to really let myself enjoy a budding relationship and become vulnerable again.

It was amazing! I enjoyed those "10" days immensely. But what goes up comes down. To enjoy your "9" and "10s" you need to be prepared for the "2s" and "3s". I had a ton of "2" days too. Is it worth it? It depends. But you cannot force it. It will come. Just give it time.

Crescita posted 10/26/2012 11:22 AM

Maybe you just arenít a butterflies kind of girl and it is just compounded by coming off a serious relationship.

For me it was very surreal going from married to barely knowing someone. I tried to rush the getting to know you phase, but it was quite futile and possibly made me more anxious. It just takes time.

Try to relax into what you do know about him and go from there. Maybe it might ease your anxiety if you viewed him as a new friend rather than a new romantic partner with all the husbandly levels of expectations your subconscious might drag along.

wonderingbull posted 10/26/2012 11:41 AM

we don't really know each other yet.

Relax and give it time...

I know when KD and I started "dating" I reminded her more than once that I'm not her ex...

The perceptions and thought processes affected by what we've been through have rewired us in some ways that are good and bad...


Amazonia posted 10/26/2012 12:14 PM

I think it's really hard to go from marriage back to dating. Marriage is committed, long term, comfortable. You have habits and memories together. You think you've arrived and won't have to do the whole song and dance of dating again.

Then to have to start over at square one? It's no wonder it's not easy.

I know that my tendency, especially when I first started dating, was to sort of want to rush over the awkward getting-to-know-you stage. I didn't want to get to know someone; I wanted to know someone. I didn't want to become a couple, I wanted to be a couple. It was really frustrating for me, and counter-intuitive (sometimes I did better than others) to consciously pull myself back and actually take the time to get to know someone.

As you start to make small choices in moving forward with this person, choices like not running away, you have to be careful to keep your heart and expectations in check, to let them grow at an appropriate rate. I think that the desire and the fear to run in "with reckless abandon" as you put it come from the same place. You want to be fully invested, but you're also afraid of full investment, because you've seen how great it is and how much it can hurt.

We're not meant to go all in all at once like that though. The process has to be gradual, with eyes wide open and mind alert, to create a healthy relationship. You'll never just recklessly fall into something healthy, I promise. Something healthy and wonderful is crafted by two people putting in the work and melding their worlds together.

Give yourself time and grace! It sounds like you're doing fine to me!

Hope24 posted 10/26/2012 13:16 PM

One thing I've noticed about myself post-D is that I have a very low tolerance for drama of any kind. I crave stability.

Perhaps the potential custody issue is causing you to trigger a little bit. Maybe you have some minor PTSD.

Just a thought.

FatherofFour posted 10/27/2012 11:23 AM

I agree completely with AMA, it's tough getting to know someone when you've come out of a marriage where you knew someone.

I think a lot of us post-D forget the amount of time and effort it took at the beginning of the relationship that became our marriage because for a time we had all the security, predictability, etc. of a marriage. If that makes sense.

healing2011 posted 10/27/2012 12:55 PM

Harbindoc - you posted EXACTLY how I feel and what I am going through with the man I am dating! I guess we are changed from our experience.
Thanks for sharing. I'm interested in reading what others have to say.

harbindoc posted 10/28/2012 09:11 AM

I didn't want to get to know someone; I wanted to know someone. I didn't want to become a couple, I wanted to be a couple.

This is exactly how I feel. Dating is exhausting... for this reason. The difference I notice now post A, and subsequent D is that I don't enjoy this part of a relationship, where in the past it was the best part. It is also true that I have never been a "butterflies" kinda girl... but I just thought that was because I hadn't met the right person yet... maybe it's just me. I am starting to "lighten up" in this relationship with this man.. I am working on getting to know him... and remaining open to the possibility that it may turn into something, without losing myself in it. We shall see what happens! Just the notion that I am ABLE to have these feelings after what EX put me through should be hope enough I suppose! Thanks for all the replies...

hurtbs posted 10/29/2012 12:44 PM

Honey, this new relationship seems to problematic! This guy is in the middle of a crisis situation and it is unfair of him to ask anyone else to navigate this with him.

It also sounds like you're not in a good and comfortable placce right now to start a relationship let alone navigate the milefield that this sounds like!

Maybe take a break from dating for a while and focus on you?

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