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crushed. beaten. betrayed.

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madtownrob posted 10/29/2012 16:17 PM

I guess I’ll start at the beginning.
I’ve been married to my wife for 6 years. I have been in the military for 11 years, with multiple deployments. We’ve had a very stressful life together, but I feel that we had a very loving and caring relationship. During our marriage, I have been blessed with 3 girls who are the light of my life. Unfortunately our second child passed away from SIDS at the age of 2 months. That was almost a deal breaker for my (and her) sanity. My wife went through very serious depression and anxiety, alcoholism and substance abuse, as well as cutting episodes. She has been hospitalized for suicidal ideations 3 times. My wife was sexually abused and neglected as a child, and as a result she has been diagnosed with borderline-personality disorder as an adult. During the darkest days of her life, I have literally saved her life more times than I care to remember. I was there for her emotionally and physically as much as I could. Fast forward a year or so and she made a 180 degree turn-around. An intensive treatment of therapy, medication and electro-convulsive treatment and she seemed to be a whole new woman.

Now the affair. About a month ago, I came home from work early one night. I work the night shift, and the boss let me go home for some reason. I came back to the house, and noticed my wife was sleeping. Oh well. I went downstairs and got on the computer. I noticed her email was pulled up, and there was the sent-message window open. Curiosity got the best of me, so I clicked on it. I found out she sent an email love letter (that she wrote me a few years back), to a married navy neighbor. I confronted her about it, and she just said that it was no big deal; he just wanted some tips on how to write love letters to his wife. Of course, that didn’t satisfy my questions. I decided to leave it alone for a little while. She fell back to sleep while I kept tossing and turning. Because I couldn’t sleep, I went back down stairs and found her phone. I picked it up and started searching everywhere for any evidence of infidelity. It was scrubbed clean, no texts calls or mobile conversations. I then looked on the "words with friends" page and found out several games she had played with this navy guy. It all looked innocent, until I pulled up the conversation section.
There it was. A very sexually explicit text conversation she had with him. I cannot write this all down, for fear of my own sanity at the moment. Let’s just say that she was telling him about her wanting me to be sexually humiliated by HIM, amongst other of his sexual acts with her. In that conversation I found out that they indeed have a physical sexual affair, not just a flirtatious conversation. Words cannot describe the level of disgust, betrayal and sickness I felt. It felt like I swallowed broken glass. My entire world was torn apart. The love of my life, the one person whom I felt so emotionally connected to betrayed me and degraded me. She fantasized about me being degraded in such a way as to treat me less than human.

My wife, the one girl in this life that I felt 100% connected to, treated me like nothing more than a paycheck and babysitter. I saved her life time and time again; I had so much emotional investment in her that this ripped my guts out. I thought I knew her, her upbringing and her mental health issues made me work overtime in our entire marriage... just to let me know that I was the only one for her. She constantly told me over the course of our relationship that she would never leave me. That she couldn’t leave the only good person in her life. And now she acted like she never meant any of that.

I couldn’t sleep for 3 days. I didn’t eat a single thing in about 5. I got drunk almost every night to cope with the pain. I punched doors and the refrigerator, constantly. I was shaky. My entire world was torn apart and shit on by my best friend, my companion, my wife. None of it made sense! I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that this girl was made for me by God. I 100% believed that I knew her better than anyone else in her life. She would never cheat on me, she was the most loyal loving person I have ever me, and it was absurd to think it could even THINK about doing this. It wasn’t possible, not on an emotional, spiritual and mental level. At all.
What do you do when your entire belief system crumbles? Reality was a joke now. Up was down, black was white, right was left. Nothing made sense anymore.
I lost all trust. I lost all faith in the righteousness of others. I sometimes feel like humanity is doomed from the start. If someone as perfect as my wife gives in so freely to whims, what’s the point of having virtues anymore? Am I the last sane man on earth? Why should I try to be a good man anymore? I have always strived to be the best father, husband, friend and lover I could possibly be, and look where it got me. Constantly shit on by others. Constantly taken advantage of. Now betrayed by the ones they hold so dear. They say nice guys finish last, but now I doubt they even finish at all.
Nice guys get fucked in the end. There is no point.

Fuck, that hurt.
Since I confronted her about everything, she broke down and reluctantly admitted to everything. When I say reluctantly, I mean to say that I had to use “verbal judo” to find the truth. As a trained military police interrogator, I knew how to get her to answer questions I had in such a way that made it extremely difficult to think of a “lie on the fly”. It was brutal, having to learn every sexual position, every fantasy, everything. In the average of three months that she was seeing him, she said she only had sex with him once. I find that very hard to believe, because of the nature of his and her conversations, and the fact that my wife has the tendency to mitigate any sort of damage she inflicted… even if it means lying again.
Probably the most confusing thing I had to deal with in all of this was a certain text I found of her’s. A few days after the confrontation, I found another text conversation she had with him. She was “attempting” to call it off with him, to explain that I knew. She stated that I backhanded her across the face when I found out, and she was scared of my anger. I find this very concerning, because I have never hit her in anger before in our entire life together, even during this cheating scandal. Why would she try to say to her lover that I had hit her? Was she purposely trying to get him to physically assault me, to come to her aid or something? Why would she fabricate such an evil lie? My father raised me very well. As a Lutheran minister, he taught me all of my virtues… that I should never hit a woman, no matter what the reasoning. Now here I am, being accused of this nonsense?! Later, I asked her why she would come up with such a lie. The only answer I received from her was “I don’t know…, I’m just a messed up person”. Not only is such an accusation fucked up, it is also dangerous. If the wrong people heard about her BS story, I could lose custody of my children, get hauled off to jail for battery or worse. She was unfaithful, and I was almost the one to lose everything.

k94ever posted 10/29/2012 16:28 PM

You need to back-brief your Supervisor on this. Since she wrote you had assaulted her that email can/will be used against you. If your Supervisor has a heads up BEFORE HAND he/she can help control this situation.

I'm sorry you are here. But this is the best place for you. Have you read anything in the Healing Library? It's in the upper left hand side of your screen in the yellow box.



ThisHell posted 10/29/2012 16:32 PM

I am so very sorry you have found yourself here, and in such a disposable manner. The one piece of advice I have for you is to get a VAR, voice activated recorder, perhaps bring up this issue of her lying to him about the slap you allegedly gave her and get it on record without her knowledge to have some proof in case, god forbid it were ever necessary. Your wife is not "your wife" right now and you would be highly surprised at the horrible things they can do when in this state....having the VAR will serve to protect you as well as provide information for you if it picks up her conversations with others...just a thought.

I'm so sorry for you. This all sucks. But do what you can to read everything here that will help..this site has been a godsend for many of us!

confused615 posted 10/29/2012 16:35 PM

A lot of women tell their affair partner they're being abused. It gets them sympathy,and they're hoping he will be her KISA(knight in shining armor).

Have you told this man's wife? She deserves to know. She needs to be tested for STD's (as do you and your WW). And she has a right to know what is going on in her marriage. Do NOT tell your WW that you're going to tell his BW...otherwise she will warn him..and he will tell his wife you're crazy,abusive,and you're accusing any men that your WW knows of being interested in her.

Call her. It needs to be handled face to face or over the phone. Since OM knows you know,he is watching for you to contact his wife..he will intercept those messages.

Telling his wife also means there is another pair of eyes on both of will make the affair difficult to take underground. That,and there is a great chance he will throw your WW under the bus,and she will see he isn't in love with her.

If you're going to R,you need to set up boundaries and requirements.

She must be 100% transparent about everything...answers all of your questions without blaming you or being defensive. She gives you full access to all of her online accounts,including passwords. And no more Words With friends. Then,without her knowing,install a keylogger on her computer...that will tell you if she's still cheating and/or lying.

She needs to go to IC.

She needs to send OM a NC(no contact) email telling him to never contact her again,and if he does,legal action will result. Oh,and you see and approve the email first.

She needs to block him on facebook,email,and her phone.

If she has any friends who knew of the affair,she must go NC with those friends. They are not friends of the marriage.

Im sorry you're here. It sucks. It does get better.

Jrazz posted 10/29/2012 16:37 PM

Welcome to SI, madtownrob. The level of pain and devastation you are feeling right now has to be so hard to deal with. Although all of our situations are not exactly the same, you are in good company and are certainly not alone.

As much as you may be trying to get a hold of yourself, the rollercoaster of emotions is going to whip you around a lot right now. Cut yourself slack for not having it all together, and make your main priority taking care of yourself and the kids.

Addressing her battery accusation - you need to get a lawyer YESTERDAY and find out how to protect yourself from her lies. It IS the cruelest joke that the person who suffers the betrayal may also lose their family. Keep protecting yourself and your kids from her separate from your feelings about whether you want to try reconciling again.

I lost all trust. I lost all faith in the righteousness of others. I sometimes feel like humanity is doomed from the start. If someone as perfect as my wife gives in so freely to whims, what’s the point of having virtues anymore? Am I the last sane man on earth? Why should I try to be a good man anymore? I have always strived to be the best father, husband, friend and lover I could possibly be, and look where it got me. Constantly shit on by others. Constantly taken advantage of. Now betrayed by the ones they hold so dear. They say nice guys finish last, but now I doubt they even finish at all.
Nice guys get fucked in the end. There is no point.

This is a very common response to what has just happened to you. It's a new and scary feeling not to be able to trust anyone or anything, like the world is just shallow and angry and selfish and empty. Please lean on the experience of those of us who have stuck around for a few years when we say that there IS goodness, and love, and truth left in the world. You don't have to believe it or feel it now, just don't give up hope, and don't give up your virtue. Don't let her take that away from you. It's precious and valuable, and you will feel good about it someday - especially when you're teaching your kids to do the right thing no matter what.

Breathe, drink water, rest, and exercise. Get into counseling for yourself as well as her. She has come form a long and broken road, and she needs to own getting into some kind of therapy that will hopefully teach her how to be accountable for her actions. In the meantime, you take care of YOU.

It's going to be ok. We're here for you.


brokenlove2012 posted 10/29/2012 17:57 PM

So sorry that you find yourself here. I am also a military wife and have dealt with many deployments and the stress of it all and not once did I ever think to turn to someone else. Keep posting here and you will get the help you need. The people on SI are very caring and will help you through this horrible time. Don't give up on who you are no matter what she has done to you.

standinghere posted 10/29/2012 18:54 PM

depression and anxiety, alcoholism and substance abuse, as well as cutting episodes. She has been hospitalized for suicidal ideations 3 times. My wife was sexually abused and neglected as a child, and as a result she has been diagnosed with borderline-personality disorder as an adult.

She fantasized about me being degraded in such a way as to treat me less than human.

In an nutshell, you are in the right place. However, you need to get a lawyer to protect yourself and the children.


She is accusing you of assault.

She is having an affair.

She has "borderline personality disorder" and this originates in the sexual abuse.

She is using lies to attack you, an affair to attack you, and humiliating herself (not really you but herself) as a means of attacking you, which is sex abuse of the faithful partner.

Abuse begets abuse, and she hasn't broken the cycle, she is abusing her family because of the abuse she suffered.

I'll bet you she doesn't even know why she is really doing it, but thinks she does.

All you can do is protect the family, which means protecting yourself.

feelsbadman posted 10/29/2012 20:24 PM

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I won't compare myself to you as that would be insulting, but please know that you are not the only one feeling this pain.

It is not stronger than you are. You are better than the situation than you have been put in. You can see the other side of this. You will still be there at the end of this.

Take the advice being offered here. Lawyer up immediately. Talk to your boss or superior officer or whatever, immediately. Check whether you are in a state that allows recording of conversations with one-party consent, and get as much as you can on a recording. Probably talk to your lawyer before that though.

Drink a lot of water too. I got that advice on this forum, and it confused me at first, but it's true and important!

Make yourself eat.

Take the best care of yourself that you can.

MeanBean posted 10/30/2012 01:56 AM

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder. Initiate conversation with her admitting she has made up those comments of assault up. As you know she is mentally unstable and her false accusations will ruin your career. Get a copy of all the text messages and whatever else you can find.Get a lawyer and inform the chain the command/chaplain and the OM chain of command of the infidelity. Get you wife counseling for her issues but make sure she is in no position to jeopardize your career or your relationship with your children anymore then she already has.

You've done enough to help her throughout your relationship, now its time to worry about your children and your career. Her selfishness and self destructive behavior will bring you down if you don't protect yourself.

Any spouse who makes false allegations of assault is an instant divorce in my book.

Angelstar5 posted 10/30/2012 19:44 PM

i'm on my phone so i didnt read all responses, but isn't it against the rules to sleep with a married woman? Is he married? FIND OUT! Are you both Navy?

i found this, (i'm sure xmilitary police you already know this but anyway...)

from wiki..

The Uniform Code of Military Justice, the military criminal code, bars married service members from having extramarital sex and unmarried service members from sleeping with married people. However, the rules come with qualifications. They say that the military will only prosecute when a case harms "good order and discipline" and when the adultery is "of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces." The ambiguity is intentional: Visits to prostitutes are not reasons for a court-martial, but long-term affairs and affairs between soldiers are considered dangerous and deserving of punishment. However, civilian prosecution for solicitation of a prostitute may well result in discharge from the service, and likely a dishonorable form of that discharge.

Unlike civilian anti-adultery laws, the military rules are sometimes enforced. Last year the Air Force alone prosecuted 67 soldiers for adultery. Critics say that the military applies these laws hypocritically, allowing high-ranking male officers to get away with affairs but not women or rank-and-file soldiers. Secretary of Defense William Cohen has ordered a Pentagon commission to clarify the guidelines in an effort to eliminate perceived inconsistencies.

just friends? posted 10/30/2012 22:19 PM

Can anyone say UCMJ? Just give the emails & chats to his commander. Let him explain to his wife why he's getting booted from the navy.

nothing10112 posted 10/30/2012 22:46 PM

Madtownrob, I am sorry to hear of your WSs inability to accept the responsibility for their actions. I too understand one thing, the mental illness and addiction and another layer to make this situation even more convoluted. I too am dealing with a WS that relapsed and thus, the reason they confirm for their EA. I honestly do know the side of addiction and know this - if there is an active addiction mixed into all of this equation - you both will not be able to move ahead. So, is the WS still in active addiction?

I strongly recommend what every one else what you need to do to cover your self so your good name and children are not affected. In addition, I would recommend seeking IC for your self and someone that works with Infidelity. I don't have all the answers but do know this - you don't deserve the left over damage emotionally.

FenixRising posted 10/31/2012 00:16 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this. You've come to the right place. I am a little new too and a navy wife, I'm the betrayed one. Unfortunately it happens all too often in the military. I thought it would never be me but here I am.

I agree with everyone. CYA!!! Cover your ass and see a lawyer. Play it smart... Gather ALL evidence you can find so its clear she is the adulterer and the guy is too. Focus on yourself and your kids. It doesn't seem like it right now but things will get better. You will have ups and downs but stick to the 180. Read the healing library. You will be ok. Do not enable her or carry her anymore. You have to take care of yourself.

madtownrob posted 5/1/2013 19:23 PM

hi guys, it's me.

i'm sorry i haven't had the social grace to come on by here and vent/rant/update yadayadayada. Just been more or less social network hermit. bringing everyone up to speed, well we are still together, i guess. i got retired out of the air force and the family and I moved to a new state so i could start school. we had some pretty freaking intense make-up sex (i guess that's what you would call it). for a very short time it seemed like the bond between up was tighter than ever. well... all good things must come to an end,and that time period of emotionally-intense connection slowed to a trickle. the douchbag that slept with her (not sure of the infidelity acronyms just yet) got brought up on UCMJ /Infidelety chargesupon my absolute insistence and got to his mid-trial before we moved. Last I heard his wife left him and took the kids half across the country. not sure what that DB is doing now, i just hope he's a homeless drunk who cries himself to sleep, sucking on the business end of a loaded .38. f--king pussy.

(i am very sorry for the vulgarity guys, i just feel very strongly about him)

Well, we moved on. got to our new adoptive state, and we love it here so far. everything was going fine until my wife found out she has a friend from about 15 years ago living right down the street. odd, huh? well, they start talking like old pals again. did i mention that this happenstance encounter with a old friend just happens to be a guy? my wife told me a while ago that in freshman year, she walked in on him in a 3 way sexfest with her then-boyfriend and his now-current wife.

pretty freaking mindblowing, huh? well you know what's also crazy? my wife and this guy are now BFFs (or whatever the kids call it now). he calls her, she calls him texts, smoke sessions (i'm sorry, i forgot to mention that we like to partake in cannabis lately) ecttera. now of course had my freaking "danger will robinson, danger!" warning siren go off in my head the second we found out he lived down the street. I have no reason to dislike him. he's a pretty decent guy so far and has never given me reason to over-react.

unfortunately, overreacting is my specialty. hell, he has a dick, right? my wife is talking to someone of the opposite sex?! surely she is fucking around on me again, and i have to confront it ASAP! yes, i am being sarcastc, but it really does put me on edge for whatever reason. feelings of suspicion and mistrust start. then i start spying on her like Inspector Gadget. the act of spying along makes me think of all the obvious clues i missed when her affair went on. then i start imagining the actual physical details i remembered from her sexual betrayal with him. then i start to feel sick. lastly, i feel like becoming a hermit, far away from humanity as possible.

and then i'm OK for a day (or two if i'm lucky)before this cycle of emotions start it's nasty cycle again.

Despite all of my snooping and confusing wireless programs, i have not seen anything reasonable to suspect cheating. I think I might be driving myself insane with worry, suspicion and mistrust. my actions have put my wife on edge which further freaks me out. ugh, another cycle.

will i ever be able to trust her enough to be OK with her having friends of the opposite sex? In case it is not obvious, I have had very little emotional/behavioral therapy since this started. I probably need it, i just have a million things in the way of getting that to happen.

I would say that we are OK (not fighting, no undue tension ect) about 4 days out of the week.

any advice for a guy who desperately needs to regain his trust in a cheater?

toby posted 5/1/2013 20:12 PM

any advice for a guy who desperately needs to regain his trust in a cheater?
Yes, tell your WW to lose the bff!!!!

[This message edited by toby at 8:26 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

somanyyears posted 5/1/2013 20:24 PM

..after dealing with her original betrayal, you sure as hell don't need her friending any other guys..

..firm boundaries must be in place, not because you demand it, but more importantly, because she wants to assure you she's learned her lesson.

..don't be Mr. Nice Guy and don't assume this guy down the street wouldn't bang your W if he could. said, "he's got a dick" so that qualifies him as a potential threat. and she has a history with him from years before so.... have your radar up.

..sadly, after betrayal, we cannot afford to ignore these possible situations.

..have you a sense that your W 'likes' this guy?? have you talked to her very bluntly about your insecurities and your unsettled emotional state?

..she should be TOTALLY AWARE of the dynamics of this guy hanging out with her and how that affects you!!!

..they already sound way too cozy for my liking.. it wouldn't be the first time a wayward slid down the slippery slope a second time!!! this guy also married? if he isn't.. i'd be VERY concerned.. my tag line..

Trust no other human.

..favorite song??.. The WHO.. "Won't Get Fooled Again"

sending strength and support to you.


[This message edited by somanyyears at 11:05 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

Sal1995 posted 5/1/2013 20:37 PM

A former USAF SP here, and I agree with k94ever - make your senior officer /nco aware of this allegation asap.

My wife, the one girl in this life that I felt 100% connected to, treated me like nothing more than a paycheck and babysitter.

I'm with you, brother. I literally was my stay-at-home wife's affair babysitter, watching our twin 5 year old sons while she was out partying and having sex with another man.

I'm only sharing that because, although pain is an individual thing, you should know that there are thousands of people on this site who can relate.

You'll hear from people with stories much more horrible than yours, and you'll see many of them grow and heal as time goes by (so I'm told, pretty new myself).

Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad you found this site, you made a wise choice to sign up.

Wishing you healing...

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 8:38 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

Sal1995 posted 5/1/2013 20:48 PM

Guess I should have checked the date of your original post before weighing in and welcoming you, rob. Sounds like you took care of business as far as the OM is concerned! I'd give anything for that level of satisfaction in my case. Well done.

still2suspicious posted 5/2/2013 12:38 PM


I am sorry you are having to deal with the "potential" of another Dday.

Although you guys moved away I don't see where you and WW ever worked thru her first A. If not, all you did was "rug sweep", and that, my friend, will almost always come back and bite you in the ass!

Not dealing with it does not make it go away. If it did none of us would be here

Did you ever come up with, and demand, your boundaries for R? Did you/she ever do IC? MC? I understand that she was/is extremely fragile, but that DOES NOT excuse her behaviour.

Have you figured out what YOU want? need?

Did you read the Healing Library the first time around? If not, please read it now.

Based on all the advice on this board if you don't put your "bitch boots" on (not sure what the man's version is called, maybe army boots? ) you are destined to go thru this shitstorm again, and again. And you, my dear friend, do not deserve to have that kind of future.

There are many stories here of the BS's busting their asses off to "nice" their WS back to the M. It never works. Spend some time reading other's stories. Pretty soon you will see a pattern.

Sending you all the strength you need to get thru this.

Post often, there are some truly amazing people here who only want to spare newbies as much pain as possible.

PS: Thank you for your service.

Skan posted 5/2/2013 15:25 PM

My FWH and I have gone through IC, MC, Retrovuille, are actively working the Retrovuille program now, and he has been 100% remorseful and on-boad with owning all of his shit since about day 6. My trust in him is growing each day and my need to be consistantly checking on him is ebbing to dull flickers, even though our first horrible anti-versary is coming up very, very quickly. He is full present for me, constantly supportive, and I know that I'm his priority in life.

That all being said, if one of his old female friends tried to come back into his life and he was forming a BFF friendship, he would be out the door instantly. Were he to try to form a female friend there would be hell to pay. He doesn't get to go out with any female alone.

Those are all consequences. Justified and reasonable consequences. And any day that he would decide that those consequences were not justified and reasonable, the door would be hitting him in the ass as he flew out of it. I am the only female friend that he needs. He is the only male friend that I need. We are each other's BFF or we are not friends, lovers, and married any more. End of sentence.

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