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kernel posted 11/9/2012 17:39 PM

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, so if I have to take a flight, my bag is packed.

Background - I have zero contact with my X. Once in a blue moon I might have to email him over some paperwork thing that comes up, but nothing else. I never see him as he lives in another state. We are most definitely not friendly.

My issue -My father recently passed away. X found out from one of my kids. He sent a text saying his thoughts were with me and my family and saying to let him know if "there is anything at all I can do." For whatever reason, this just pissed me off to no end. I texted back that it was intrusive and inappropriate, and basically to go away. Despite that little exchange, I got a card in the mail a week later and found out he also sent one to my mother. I sent an email saying that he was the one that wanted me out of his life, and that he needed to stay out of mine. I really get pissed when he tries to pull this bullshit like we're friends. My feeling is that he is just doing it to assuage his own guilt - he could give a shit about me or my family.

Do you think I am over-reacting? I really don't sit around being angry or sad all day or anything - I feel like I'm in a pretty good healing phase. This situation really pissed me off though. I just needed to vent about it.

positively4thst posted 11/9/2012 17:45 PM

I feel it was kind of him to do this. He has nothing to gain from it and your dad is his son's grandfather. I feel it was appropriate.

I am so sorry for your loss.

wildbananas posted 11/9/2012 17:51 PM

My father died going on three years ago and ex-asshat didn't once say anything to me about it. My father was his FIL for a good 18 years - I felt horribly slighted that he couldn't even manage a puny "I'm sorry" text to me. It's not that I wanted comfort or anything from him... just a respectful nod to a man who had always been good to him. It would have been the decent thing to do, IMO. Then again, "decent" and "ex-asshat" usually aren't uttered in the same sentence.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know how painful it is.

(((((kernel)))))

[This message edited by wildbananas at 5:52 PM, November 9th (Friday)]

little turtle posted 11/9/2012 17:57 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your father. ((((kernel)))

I don't see his text or cards as inappropriate. I don't think he expected anything from them, but he wanted to send his sympathies. How did your mother react to his card?

Catwoman posted 11/9/2012 18:00 PM

I don't see it as inappropriate. Actually, it is proper.

My evil MIL died in 2008. I sent my condolences to my ex and also to his father.

Cat

kernel posted 11/9/2012 18:13 PM

Sigh. I had a feeling your responses would go this way. My mother took it as nothing unusual. I suspect most of my anger comes from thinking that this was the type of thing X was supposed to be around to comfort me through. Just when you think you're in a really good healing place...

Catwoman posted 11/9/2012 18:16 PM

Yep. Your trigger was to the LOSS of his condolences TO YOU, not the fact that he made them.

The thing to do is to be gracious about it and work it through in IC.

Cat

Dark Inertia posted 11/9/2012 18:29 PM

No, it was not inappropriate of him. It was thoughtful.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 6:29 PM, November 9th (Friday)]

jo2love posted 11/9/2012 20:08 PM

(((kernel)))

I am so sorry for your loss.

hurtinky posted 11/10/2012 02:38 AM

It would bother me too.

I feel if they wreck your life, their condolences about another loss are meaningless. It would strike me as fake, and as if they were were taking the opportunity to be seen as a decent person, when in fact they aren't.

I dare my ex to send me a sympathy card, or do anything else that tries to make him look like he cares about me or my family.

hurtinky posted 11/10/2012 02:46 AM

It would be thoughtful and appropriate if he was sincere. How can a man who wrecked your life and obviously didn't care about your feelings be sincerely sorry about anything related to your life?

IMO he was USING the situation to try to SEEM like a nice person.

FWSs should leave their FBSs alone when things like this happen. Perhaps a brief "I'm sorry to hear about _____" but stop ready with the cards and offers to "do anything"...they already did enough, thank you.

Hope24 posted 11/10/2012 03:42 AM

His actions were classy, thoughtful and appropriate.

Yes, you did overreact, I'm afraid.

That said, in our grief we don''t always think clearly and perhaps the loss brought up the abandonment of your ex. Take time to figure it out.

I''m sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is a terrible thing.

[This message edited by Hope24 at 4:28 AM, November 10th, 2012 (Saturday)]

hurtinky posted 11/10/2012 04:17 AM

Obviously something is wrong with me. I don't think an exWS who wrecked your life gets to do anything "classy" in your life. There's nothing they can do or say that is truly classy, caring, or sincere. They pissed away their ability to be those things for you.

I don't think it is appropriate for an ex WS to try to act all caring about something related to their BS. I don't see it as classy. To me, it seems fake.

Hope24 posted 11/10/2012 04:45 AM

Hurtinky, there is nothing wrong with you If there's one thing I have learned in my years on this board, it's that one size definitely doesn't fit all.

It's the differing opinions that make the site so great.

need_hope posted 11/10/2012 08:17 AM

kernel - I am so sorry for your loss. As I get older I know at some point I'm going to have to face the loss of a parent and I dread even thinking about that.

As for your question, I think it really depends on the type of relationship - or lack of relationship - you have with your X. Whatever his motivation for his initial text message, he sent a card after you told him his "condolences" were not welcome. I find that to be very inappropriate. To me that sounds like he doesn't truly care about your feelings, he just wanted to look good.

hurtinky - there is nothing wrong with you. I would not want to hear from my STBX in that situation either. I would find it the height of hypocrisy after everything he has done. He doesn't get to pretend to care about my feelings or my well-being now just because it makes him look like a good guy. I am NC with STBX as much as humanly possible and that's the way it needs to stay.

kernel posted 11/10/2012 08:48 AM

IMO he was USING the situation to try to SEEM like a nice person.

I would find it the height of hypocrisy after everything he has done. He doesn't get to pretend to care about my feelings or my well-being now just because it makes him look like a good guy.

These quotes illustrate exactly how I feel about the situation. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

His actions were classy, thoughtful and appropriate.

This statement is so far off from who he is now - I vehemently disagree. He's too fake for this.

Thanks for the opinions everyone. While I think my responses to him were overheated (should have ignored), I think my sense that it's fake bullshit to make himself look better is the truth of the matter.

Hope24 posted 11/10/2012 08:59 AM

This statement is so far off from who he is now - I vehemently disagree.

My opinion was based on his actions that he demonstrated in this situation and what you posted, Kernel. You know him best and if you are satisfied with your own interpretation and reaction then that's all that really matters.

kernel posted 11/10/2012 09:06 AM

Thanks Hope24. I have been wrestling with this for the past week. It has really helped to write it down and hear other people's opinions - it forces me to examine my feelings more closely and find the clarity I seem to need. I'm not really satisfied with my reactions to him, but I understand them better now. I always spend WAY too much time trying to figure out his motivations and I need to let that go. I always want to make sense of things and it isn't always possible with him.

Thanks to everyone for your condolences. It helps.

million pieces posted 11/10/2012 13:19 PM

So sorry about your father.

I think I'm w you and Hurtinky, because of my ex's actions and inactions over the past 3 yrs, I would NEVER believe it would be sincere.

But if my ex didn't even offer condolences, I would be pissed too

TrustGone posted 11/10/2012 13:38 PM

My ex-step MIL passed away a couple of years after XWH#1 and I divorced. I called my son the day of the funeral to make sure he was OK. It was right before the funeral and my son wanted me to come. I wasn't dressed for a funeral, nor was I anywhere near that I could make it there in time. I had spoken to him the day before and he never said anything about wanting me with him and I didn't want to just show up. I felt really terrible for my son and knew my X put him up to asking me to come. Anyway, do not put too much thought into this. It is best to just ignore these things when they happen.

[This message edited by TrustGone at 1:42 PM, November 10th (Saturday)]

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