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momwith2boys posted 11/12/2012 08:48 AM

I have been married for over 8 years now. I stay at home with my two boys. I thought life was perfect. My husband and I get a long great. We never fight. We love each other and our boys. Our sex life has become a little dull but I wasn't really worried about it. I didn't realize he was feeling unhappy about it and I definitely didn't think he would ever cheat on me. I trusted him to go out with friends. So when he was invited to go out with friends, on October 4th I wasn't worried. But the following week, I thought it was kind of odd when he disappeared for hours to get a stapler for his home office (he works from home). And then when we were tried to be intimate with each other later that day, he could not get erect for me. He said that this had happened last time we were together (which it did) and he was really concerned. I started researching it on the internet and that was when I read that he could be cheating. But he went to specialitst about it and they said it was stress and that probably because it happened once that it is just mental. On October 17th, my mom was visiting from out of town and was staying for two weeks. We went shopping and came home that night and my husband was in the shower and my mom went to bed. I was in the office when I heard his phone beep so I grabbed it. It was unlocked so I went on his facebook page and saw some sexual messages between him and OW. One of the messages he said he could not stop thinking of her. I couldn't believe it. I went upstairs and asked him who this person was. He admitted that he was having an affair. When he got out of the shower and came downstairs to talk to me, he would not tell me everything. He wouldn't even tell me who she was. The facebook page that she created was fake. Apparently, she has a family too and they both agreed not to tell their spouses if one of them was caught cheating who it was. He finally did admit some details to me the next day and told me that he ended it with her the night before after I went to bed. That they both knew it needed to end, that it was wrong, and that he did love me. He said he doesn't know why he did it. It just got out of control. He gave her a ride home, she invited him in and one thing lead to another. But then they ended up exchanging numbers, and meeting up two more times after that.
It has been a month now since I found out. I still don't know who she is. He still hasn't given me a lot of information about what happened. He said he doesn't want to hurt me and thinks I will obsess over who she is and that it doesn't really matter who she is. I said that it must be someone I know. He said it wasn't anyone I know. I really don't know what to believe. I don't know how I am supposed to be able to move on with out knowing everything. He said I can look at his phone, his facebook page when ever I want. However, he won't give me passwords because he says that is just how he always has been about that. Which is true, but I think he should be going out of his way to prove to me that nothing is going on. Instead, I have to ask him if I want to look at his phone or his facebook page. I do believe it is over and that he is sorry. And I really can't imagine leaving him but I just don't understand why this happened. He said nothing was wrong in our relationship. Yes, our sex life was frustrating to him but he was very happy and loves me. He did not plan on doing this. I feel like their must have been something wrong if he was willing to risk our marriage to be intimate with this person. I can see if he was with her once but he went out of his way, lied to me to be with her two more times. He said that he felt like he already did it once, commited the crime and that was why he went back and did it again. He did say he felt extremely guilty about it and could not sleep. And he was relieved when I found out because he wanted to tell me about it. I don't know if I believe that because if he was that guilty wouldn't he have ended the affair. When I found the messages on his facebook page, things were obviously still ongoing.
So now I just don't know what to do. He is out of town right now and comes home today. I just want him to show me that he is sorry. Go out of his way to make feel special again and show that he loves me. But he is not an emotional guy and not very affectionate so that would be out of the ordinary for him. Now I feel that when we are together intimately, not good enough. Apparently, they had great sex. We have been together since I found out and I have tried to make it great but he is still having issues with getting aroused. (He didn't have this problem with her though) I am worried that I am just not good enough. He said to me that I don't need to try so hard and just to be myself. But I can't help but think something must be wrong with me because why would he go with someone else if he could be with me. I am such a mess. I haven't told anyone about what has been going on so thank you for listening to me vent. I needed to get this off my shoulders and maybe get some advise from someone who has gone through this.

Tred posted 11/12/2012 09:06 AM

I guess it depends on how firm of a stand you want to take on this. If it was me, I'd demand the information, have him send a no contact letter (NC), and out the affair to the AP's spouse if they have one. In my opinion, my spouse keeping those details is choosing the AP over our M, and it was a dealbreaker. My W at first did the same thing, and then I handed her a letter that was the outline of our divorce. I don't see how you can move forward when you don't know what you are moving from. It will eat at you for the rest of your life, every woman he talks to, or calls the house, or that smiles in your direction when you are out in town, you'll be thinking "is that her?". It will drive you nuts. Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library, and be prepared to act on it. He is not remorseful, and if he isn't transparent with you, I don't see much chance of you two reconciling. It will be like a cancer eating away at your relationship.

[This message edited by Tred at 9:07 AM, November 12th (Monday)]

lknup posted 11/12/2012 09:25 AM

I believe I would demand the information or there is no way for you to build trust again. Look for an IC for yourself and see if he is willing to go to MC.

lknup posted 11/12/2012 09:25 AM

I believe I would demand the information or there is no way for you to build trust again. Look for an IC for yourself and see if he is willing to go to MC.

brokensmile322 posted 11/12/2012 09:29 AM

Ummm... he and his AP agreed to not divulge each other's names???!!!

How f-n calculating! And just whose side is he on? He either outs her or he gets out. Period.

All password, emails, texts, phones are yours to have. Period.

Please read up on the 180 in the healing library. I am so sorry you find yourself among us. You are not alone and will find tons of support here!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 9:31 AM, November 12th (Monday)]

orchidsoul posted 11/12/2012 09:55 AM

That's a crap situation.

He gave up the right to his privacy when he abused your trust. I'd personally have an issue if he couldn't share his passwords. For me, the mere fact that I'm checking on him is extremely humiliating to me and would compound the humility for me to have to ask. He's aware that I look, that's no secret, but I do it when he is not nearby. Not to mention, it gives your husband a chance to erase anything. If he's being honest and has nothing to hide, he shouldn't have any issues.

I also agree- it makes it so difficult to not know what you're moving on from...

I hope he can get the courage to give you what you need. And just so you know, you're not being unreasonable to demand honesty and transparency.

catlover50 posted 11/12/2012 10:13 AM

I just want to add that it is not uncommon for men in happy marriages to cheat; I have one. Everything was worse about the OW, including the sex, which was cheap and meaningless. He never loved or respected the OW and ultimately found her annoying and demanding. Even so, he was able to comparmentalize and continue going back for years. He is working hard to see why he would do something that made him feel so badly about himself. I have an extremely hard time wrapping my head around this, but I would believe that it is not your fault and stop beating yourself up. Demand transparency for your peace of mind. Best of luck!

MystiKay posted 11/12/2012 11:08 AM

Oh well as long as it is something that they both agreed on, that is totally okay. Except it isn't.

He needs to quit protecting her and start protecting you and your feelings. I am so sorry that happened.

confused615 posted 11/12/2012 12:04 PM

Oh Hell no.

He must tell you her name. Whatever promise he made to her to not reveal names if they were ever caught is null and void. His promises to you trump any promise he made to his whore.

Put your foot down. tell him if he wont give you her name then you will see a lawyer.

You have to know who she is. This OW waged war on you,your children,your family,your marriage.

He doesn't get to protect her over you. Fuck that.

And bullshit..he must give you full transparency. You get full access to all of his online accounts,including his passwords. He doesnt want too, because this is how he's always been? Too fucking bad. he cheated. That comes with consequences. You must have full transparency to R. it is a MUST. Having to ask him before you can see anything is bullshit. That gives him time to hide things.

He needs to be tested for STDs,as do you.

He also must answer all of your questions as many times as you need to ask them. This is how you process the trauam of being betrayed.

It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity. And that's with a remoseful spouse.

It sounds like he isn't remorseful. he's regretful. Remorse is all about you. Giving you what you need to heal. He isn't doing that.
Oh..and he needs to shut down his facebook. That is how he conducted his affair. So bye bye facebook.

Put your bitch boots on.

You cant believe a word he says. Cheaters lie and minimize. I don't believe he ended it either. I'd bet the farm this has gone underground. And how easy it must be for him,since you have no idea who she is. She may be a coworker and he sees her every day.

No. He has to tell you who she is. You have to know. His not telling you isn't because he wants to protect you. he wasn't worried about protecting you when he had sex with the OW. He's protecting himself..and the OW...and the affair.

MedicsWife posted 11/12/2012 20:04 PM

You've gotten some very good advice here. Please take care of yourself, and keep posting!

Betty76 posted 11/12/2012 20:21 PM

Everyone has said it. I can't say it any better. He has to prove that he's sorry, that you're his prime concern, and that he wants your marriage to work. There is NOTHING wrong with you. He is lucky you were even willing to attempt sex with him after you found out. Him not being able to get erect is stress related, it is a mind control issue...he's too stressed out and anxious about his infidelity that he can't get it up. That's HIS issue not yours. YOU did not create this problem. He did. And he has to fix it. Again, he's lucky you're willing to give him a chance to fix it.

ThisHell posted 11/12/2012 20:43 PM

First of all, I am so so sorry for your situation. Mine is similar in that WH refused to give me her name for about two weeks, and it was torture...

Everyone has said it's not up to him to choose what you get to know. If he wants his marriage, he tells you whatever you need and he does NOT put her wishes above yours.

I wanted to reiterate in a BIG way that you hold back on the sex until he and you both are tested for stds. You need to seriously take control over this situation and he needs to relinquish it if you are going to make it through this. He's made enough poor decisions regarding your emotional and mental well being and health, don't let him tell you what you should and should not need to heal...

Harlowe posted 11/12/2012 21:58 PM

Just a gut feeling I have... do you think the reason he isn't helping you what her name is - is because he took the affair underground?

Become the best Nancy Drew you can and start snooping.

And... if he says the only had sex 3 times... multiply that by at least 2... that's usually the real number.

Hugs... sorry you are here.

GingerAle posted 11/12/2012 23:56 PM

I am so sorry you find yourself here. I know the pain is unbearable right now, but you will find lots of compassion and support here.

Please listen to what the others have told you. Take control of your situation and don't settle for anything less from your WH than you ask. He does not seem remorseful by his actions..he should be doing anything and everything he can to help you thru this and to begin repairing the damage he has caused to your marriage.

Something that doesn't make sense to me is that he told you the OW also has a family. Where were they the night he gave her a ride home and she invited him in? Also, are you sure that was a fake FB acct she used to write to him with? Or he is just saying that to make you think that's not her real name?


Fightingmad posted 11/13/2012 05:30 AM

What brokensmile said hits home.

Your story is essentially identical to mine, uncannily so other than I was too trusting to open any of his phone stuff. I found out via the OW's BS. But the "it happened once then 2 more times" " I still love you so we broke it off"...all the same. My WH however has gone out of his way to reinvest in the marriage. YOurs should not be protecting the other woman and I too suspect that you must know her. either he protects you and your emotional well being and tells you everything you want to know or he should get out.

Have you guys started MC?

I know I still think of it every minute of every day, it will be one month on the 16th. But I am cautiously optimistic that what he tells me is true, we are doing counseling, and when I ask he answers even if it hurts him/

Good luck

standinghere posted 11/14/2012 01:27 AM

The affair is about secrecy, lying, and infidelity in areas that don't involve just sex.

Till that is all done, the affair is not done.

He is keeping secrets with her right now, in other words "keeping faithful" to his promise to her.

That places her, and the affair, above your marriage, and you, in priority.

He remains faithful to her and her needs...and unfaithful to you and your needs.

kansas1968 posted 11/14/2012 03:40 AM

Not a lot to add to what you have already hear from the other folks, but you need to demand the passwords to him phone, his email, and his facebook account. Non-negotiatable.
He is having trouble with sex because he is not out of the fog yet. He is still pining for the high he got in the affair. We all know that anything new is exciting and especially if it is secret. He was in a bubble of unreality and he is having trouble letting it go. Best way to knock him out of that is a hard 180. You need to put the fear of God in him that you very well may leave.

If you do that, you will know what you are dealing with. Someone who loves you and wants to fight for you, or someone you have already lost. Either way, you need to know. So sorry you are having to deal with this pain. We all know how devastating it is. Hugs and keep posting. K

idkam posted 11/14/2012 10:25 AM

Could the OW be a good friend of yours??? Otherwise why do he care if you knew her name, a stranger is a stranger right??? I smell a fish some thing about this isnt right....

Big hugs to u..

momwith2boys posted 3/2/2013 12:22 PM

Turns out it was my friend. I have been lied to this entire time by both of them. He said the affair stopped when I found out but he didnt tell me because he was afraid if her husband found out he would sue us. This is someone that I have spent holidays with, gone on vacations with and share personal info with. I cant believe I have been betrayed like this for this long. I dont know if I will ever trust anyone again!!

NoraLee posted 3/2/2013 13:03 PM

You need to tell her husband immediately. This affair needs to blown apart and their worlds rocked. Read the healing library - you have a wealth of knowledge there that will help you either save your M or move on. Your M is doomed without remorse, transparency and honesty. YOU get to decide the info you need to heal. If he cared a lick about hurting you, he would never have had the A.

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