[This message edited by Tred at 9:07 AM, November 12th (Monday)]
How f-n calculating! And just whose side is he on? He either outs her or he gets out. Period.
All password, emails, texts, phones are yours to have. Period.
Please read up on the 180 in the healing library. I am so sorry you find yourself among us. You are not alone and will find tons of support here!
[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 9:31 AM, November 12th (Monday)]
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
He gave up the right to his privacy when he abused your trust. I'd personally have an issue if he couldn't share his passwords. For me, the mere fact that I'm checking on him is extremely humiliating to me and would compound the humility for me to have to ask. He's aware that I look, that's no secret, but I do it when he is not nearby. Not to mention, it gives your husband a chance to erase anything. If he's being honest and has nothing to hide, he shouldn't have any issues.
I also agree- it makes it so difficult to not know what you're moving on from...
I hope he can get the courage to give you what you need. And just so you know, you're not being unreasonable to demand honesty and transparency.
Dday- May and June, 2012
He needs to quit protecting her and start protecting you and your feelings. I am so sorry that happened.
He must tell you her name. Whatever promise he made to her to not reveal names if they were ever caught is null and void. His promises to you trump any promise he made to his whore.
Put your foot down. tell him if he wont give you her name then you will see a lawyer.
You have to know who she is. This OW waged war on you,your children,your family,your marriage.
He doesn't get to protect her over you. Fuck that.
And bullshit..he must give you full transparency. You get full access to all of his online accounts,including his passwords. He doesnt want too, because this is how he's always been? Too fucking bad. he cheated. That comes with consequences. You must have full transparency to R. it is a MUST. Having to ask him before you can see anything is bullshit. That gives him time to hide things.
He needs to be tested for STDs,as do you.
He also must answer all of your questions as many times as you need to ask them. This is how you process the trauam of being betrayed.
It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity. And that's with a remoseful spouse.
It sounds like he isn't remorseful. he's regretful. Remorse is all about you. Giving you what you need to heal. He isn't doing that.
Oh..and he needs to shut down his facebook. That is how he conducted his affair. So bye bye facebook.
Put your bitch boots on.
You cant believe a word he says. Cheaters lie and minimize. I don't believe he ended it either. I'd bet the farm this has gone underground. And how easy it must be for him,since you have no idea who she is. She may be a coworker and he sees her every day.
No. He has to tell you who she is. You have to know. His not telling you isn't because he wants to protect you. he wasn't worried about protecting you when he had sex with the OW. He's protecting himself..and the OW...and the affair.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Everyone has said it well...it's not up to him to choose what you get to know. If he wants his marriage, he tells you whatever you need and he does NOT put her wishes above yours.
I wanted to reiterate in a BIG way that you hold back on the sex until he and you both are tested for stds. You need to seriously take control over this situation and he needs to relinquish it if you are going to make it through this. He's made enough poor decisions regarding your emotional and mental well being and health, don't let him tell you what you should and should not need to heal...
Become the best Nancy Drew you can and start snooping.
And... if he says the only had sex 3 times... multiply that by at least 2... that's usually the real number.
Hugs... sorry you are here.
Please listen to what the others have told you. Take control of your situation and don't settle for anything less from your WH than you ask. He does not seem remorseful by his actions..he should be doing anything and everything he can to help you thru this and to begin repairing the damage he has caused to your marriage.
Something that doesn't make sense to me is that he told you the OW also has a family. Where were they the night he gave her a ride home and she invited him in? Also, are you sure that was a fake FB acct she used to write to him with? Or he is just saying that to make you think that's not her real name?
Your story is essentially identical to mine, uncannily so other than I was too trusting to open any of his phone stuff. I found out via the OW's BS. But the "it happened once then 2 more times" " I still love you so we broke it off"...all the same. My WH however has gone out of his way to reinvest in the marriage. YOurs should not be protecting the other woman and I too suspect that you must know her. either he protects you and your emotional well being and tells you everything you want to know or he should get out.
Have you guys started MC?
I know I still think of it every minute of every day, it will be one month on the 16th. But I am cautiously optimistic that what he tells me is true, we are doing counseling, and when I ask he answers even if it hurts him/
Married 12 years
Dday 1 10/12 PA
Dday 2 03/15 (sexting)
Together 11 1/2 years
I've loved him forever
4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love
Till that is all done, the affair is not done.
He is keeping secrets with her right now, in other words "keeping faithful" to his promise to her.
That places her, and the affair, above your marriage, and you, in priority.
He remains faithful to her and her needs...and unfaithful to you and your needs.
If you do that, you will know what you are dealing with. Someone who loves you and wants to fight for you, or someone you have already lost. Either way, you need to know. So sorry you are having to deal with this pain. We all know how devastating it is. Hugs and keep posting. K
Big hugs to u..