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Overcomming posted 11/19/2012 08:33 AM


First off, Wow this is hart breaking to see all these stories. I would also say this site should be mandatory reading for all couples to understand the pain that can occur.

The good news is I don't think my wife has had a physical affair, I know she took a friendship out of bounds of a married couple and it appears that I caught it before it might have developed.

Background: My wife and I are involved in our boy's activties. Way back about 6 years I saw her interacting with another male activity leader that instantly bothered me. My wife is very outgoing and I have never had a issue, and still don't with her male frends, but this one got to me.

My gut was screeming, I confronted her and told her that by the way she was acting that other people would think she was married to him and not me. She assured me that this was not the case and I for the most part let it go.

Didn't want to be the jelous husband, and after all I loved my wife and completely trusted her.

They remaind friends, I am also friends with him. Over the years I would always have a bad feeling when I would see them interact, as she would behave differently, always finding time to talk to him, seeming to find ways to do activities that involved him.

The old saying about trusting your gut, well I can realy beleive that now.

Fast forward to last Thrusday, my wife is always on her smart phone, it bothered me lately, she used to leave is out, but now it seemed to be at her side all the time. I woke up for work and was getting my one son out the door, I had to go back up to get him moving and saw that she was already up in bed on her phone, she was playing a game with "him". I said, what are you having a affair or something,

Her responde was, "why would you say that", Then a few moments later she came down to the kitchen trying to understand why I would think that, I believe she was probing for what info I might have. Then I left for work, was thinking about how she responded and it bothered me. I tried to put my fears aside and told my self that if she brought it up again I might have reason to worry.

Well she called me about 30 seconds later on the way to work and she again wanted to know why I thought that way, again, I belive probing for what info i might have.

Last Thursday my Gut starting screeming.

Friday night, she left for a night shift (RN), my son was on the computer and had just gotten up, and I saw that her facebook page was still loged in.

I trying to assure my gut, went into her games.

There were 4 active "words with friends" games ongoing 2 were with him. You could also see past games, 8 of the last 10 games were with him. They were using the chat feture to talk. All the other games with family members there was minimal chatting, but on theirs there were pages after pages. They were chating back inforth without even playing words most of the time. Most of the talk was about day to day activties and not about the game. She made several over the line comments, they were talking about if/when/how to delete old games, and MY wife said "we don't need to worry about that yet :)".

She also told him that she turned of email notification for the game. RED FLAGS all over the place.

I did some reading about emotional affairs and printed some articles.

Saturday evening:
I wanted to get her alone, but I couldn't take it anymore.

She was waking up from a nap (worked the night before) I asked her in our bed room if there was anything she needed to tell me, nothing.

I asked her if she was having a EA, she said with who, his name was not mentioned, but we both knew who we were talking about.

I asked her when was the last time she had contact with him, she said last night on the game (TRUTH)

I asked her why they don't play anymore, as we don't get emails when new games start. She said she had no idea why we dont get emials. I alredy know that she turned off email notification for this game (LIE)

I finaly broke down, told her that she left her face book page up, and had seen all their chats. To her credit, she agreed with me and understood why I was feeling they way I was. Agreed that his wife would be concerned if she saw what I saw. To his credit the other guy did not bite on any of her suggestive comments. I gave her the bunch of articles about EA's and the signs, told her to read them and we would then talk.

I left, she got worried, called I came home.

My issue, I can't think, don't know what way is up. Fine one moment, then gone.

The pain I have felt over the last couple of days I would not wish on anyone.

Were I am today +3
I think I caught a early EA, she does not think it is, but has not yet read the articles.

Questions: what to do about their frendship, she is willing to let him know that I saw all the chats and they need to cool it down. This make me feel like a chump.

Fears: That they continue, deeper underground, that this will bond them closer.

Hopes: That she will step back, see what she has said, that is was not the way a married women should behave and put new boundries in place (but what)

I know this pales in comparison to most of these situations and I thank god for that. But my trust is gone, I don't even trust myself with my thoughts.

Any advise on a path forward would be welcome.

Sorry for all the SP errors.

[This message edited by Overcomming at 9:27 AM, November 19th (Monday)]

allhopegone posted 11/19/2012 08:47 AM

I'm realy sorry man and I hope you have caught it early.
I have a similar situation in many, many ways. Looking back on it there are so many things I wish I had done differently when I first had suspicions.
Every situation is somewhat different, but based on what I read about how she is acting, I believe it is probably at least a well developed EA. I am short on time right now but will post more later.

32mor posted 11/19/2012 08:59 AM

First off, sorry you are hear man. Know that you will get the support and advice you are looking for and this was the best site by far that I joined. First, be sure you check out the healing library on the left; tons of great articles and information for you.

Next, the emotions and lack of trust you are feeling is totally normal. It is likely going to continue but I would suggest that you do it carefully; meaning don't tell her that you are searching as it will push it deeper underground. It sounds like she is already being crafty in what she is doing, which obviously is a major red flag that she's hiding shit. Her batch of paranoia is also suggesting something to me.

I'm not throwing out accusations, but what you will find on this site is years of experience and things to look for. I will caution you that will you think your situation is different or unique, there are many patterns of behavior that they all exhibit. I found that months after reading others posts, they sounded exactly like mine or that I had had written them.

My suggestion is you investigate the hell out of her. Start looking at key loggers and apps to install on her phone. Tell her nothing and don't reveal your sources. I would confront mine with every single piece of evidence and she'd continue to find new ways to hide it; including buying a separate phone.

The pain in discovery is the worst but know that you have to find honesty in her on your own. You're not going to talk her out of the affair or into sharing shit with you. Did you say the OM is married? You have to consider telling his wife, like right now of your findings. Don't warn or threaten your wife about this, just do it.

Hang in there man, I'm not going to lie to you, this all sucks.

Overcomming posted 11/19/2012 09:01 AM

Thanks allhope, just talking to someone else helps.

I have no one to talk to but my wife.

Overcomming posted 11/19/2012 09:14 AM

Thanks 32mor,

Let me claify some things.

My wife does not hide her phone, she has it unlocked, I belive I could check it anytime I wanted.

I belive she was just starting to cross the line and my gut and found it before it developed.

I think she was realy suprised at her actions and I hopefully shocked her enough to step back.

She said / realized that it's going to be "awkward" at our kids activites now. I said it has alway been for me. I don't think she was seeing it before, hopefully now?

No I am not going to tell his wife. Like I said he did not in anyway cross the line with her. Its my wife that worries me, not sure what path she will take.

karmahappens posted 11/19/2012 09:28 AM

I am sorry Overcoming...your wife's reaction to your question really make me say bullshit to all of her answers!!

This was at the very least an EA.

I would keep digging. I also would demand NC.

I would draw a line in the sand NOW!!!

She is about to drive your train off the track if she hasn't already....


nuance posted 11/19/2012 09:34 AM

Buy the book "Not Just Friends".

You both have to go completely NC with this guy.

Also, get a keylogger.

fireproof posted 11/19/2012 09:47 AM

Based upon what you wrote, I would say that she was the one to make suggestive comments and he did not respond. Knowing this I would keep a distance from him at activities you both attend and do not participate in specific group projects he is involved in.

I would also go to Marriage Counseling and see if there is a deeper issue or if she just liked the attention.

Gipper posted 11/19/2012 09:48 AM

My situation was a lot like yours. This seems way too easy. It seems harder to cut off long term emotional attachments than it does physical ones, especially when you have to interact with the AP. She may be remorseful, but I would look very hard for another phone or some other way she can communicate with him. I pray that I am wrong, but in my situation things got a lot worse before they got better.

Overcomming posted 11/19/2012 10:12 AM

Thanks for all the replies, It is great to know different perspectives, as I said I am finding it hard to trust my thoughts.

The one thing I do trust is my Gut. My Gut tells me it was just a beginning of a EA. I have access to to her suff as I said I could pick up her phone anytime.

My Gut tells me she is remorsefull, and has told me so.

My Gut and what I found was that it was a friendship that was starting to cross some boundry lines. If it was someone else, other then him I would almost feel better.

I fear she will resist putting up boundaries, and how I will cope with this if she does.

I fear it will go underground.

I fear she will not "get it" and get angry at me.

I fear she will blame me for her altered friendship with him.

So much Fear, we have been married 18 years. To her credit she is open to talk about it, and were both struggling with a path forward.

[This message edited by Overcomming at 10:14 AM, November 19th (Monday)]

confused615 posted 11/19/2012 14:18 PM

You need to tell his wife. She deserves to know her husband was involved in an EA with your wife.

She needs to go NC now,with an email that you see and approve of.

WarpSpeed posted 11/19/2012 14:31 PM

You've stated that she crossed the line in her communications.

If that is the case, there isn't any remotely reasonable rationalization she can put forth for not compeletely severing the relationship. You need to ask for this today.

She doesn't get to be friends with someone she flirts with and has invested that much time in.

Go pick up the book "Not Just Friends" today and read it. It really is a tremendous read for someone where you are at right now.

Hand it to her when you tell her she needs to go no contact. Tell her you're willing to talk about why you are asking for no contact but she needs to read the book immediately.

hang in there

7yrsflushed posted 11/19/2012 14:52 PM

Others have said it, tell the OM spouse about what has been going on. The time and enjoyment she spends/gets with this man SHOULD be spent with you, her Husband. The OM is meeting an emotional need of hers that should be met by you. If you don't stop it now, it will move on to something else if it already hasn't. Also don't tell your wife that you are notifying OM spouse.

She said / realized that it's going to be "awkward" at our kids activites now. I said it has alway been for me. I don't think she was seeing it before, hopefully now?

Well she made it awkward. not sure how your marriage is other than this issue but if things are rocky you may want to look at this as a symptom of a coming cold and you need to take steps to prevent something worse or a repeat. At a minimum the books mentioned but if your wife had an EA then something isn't right in yrou marriage in at least her mind and possibly yours as well.

Overcomming posted 11/19/2012 15:39 PM

Lots to think about :(

I came here to help myself rationalize this as a simple occurance that just got carried away. There chats back and forth were maybe 2-4 a day, with a few days off in between sometimes.

I believe she does not know what she is doing, or how it has affected me.

Looks like we have some reading to do.

Yesterday when we were discussing it, we were trying to figure out how she was going to stop / limit their interaction. We decided that she would contact him and let him know that I had seen everyting and that she understands that she crossed some lines.

She made that call today, kind of told me how it went (could not talk where she was at) I will talk to her more tonight. She seemed sad. Anyway we have our boys activity tonight, I am taking the boys, she has a relative in town for the night. She said that he asked if he should talk to me (my friend too), she told him that she thought that might not be a good idea.

Not sure what to do.

BOY can't wait.

The time and enjoyment she spends/gets with this man SHOULD be spent with you, her Husband. The OM is meeting an emotional need of hers that should be met by you. If you don't stop it now, it will move on to something else if it already hasn't.

This Hit home.

Well she made it awkward. not sure how your marriage is other than this issue but if things are rocky you may want to look at this as a symptom of a coming cold and you need to take steps to prevent something worse or a repeat. At a minimum the books mentioned but if your wife had an EA then something isn't right in yrou marriage in at least her mind and possibly yours as well.

Need to think about this. I think / thought our marrage was good. We have had our standard ups and downs like any marriage raising three kids. She recently starting reading the 50 shades of grey series and our bedroom life has actualy picked up.

She is a very strong willed person, so she does tend to dominate our relationship especially in verbal communication, so over the years I think of let myself shut down alittle when we are talking about stuff.

Total NC would be very tough, same schools, kids in same activities.

[This message edited by Overcomming at 8:21 AM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

Overcomming posted 11/19/2012 16:10 PM

Also for a better picture, he has been in the picture as her friend for over 6 years. It has just been recient that the lines have been crossed. Before it was just a friendship that I could see she was in to close, but I always felt stupid saying something.

Only reciently (past 3-4 months) with her smart phone and a way to talk in secret did she feel the rush to start pushing the envelope.

Rebreather posted 11/19/2012 16:23 PM

When she walks in the door tonight, ask to see her phone. Read all her texts. If she has any email accounts, get in them. You need more information. Do NOT warn her ahead of time. If she throws a fit, gets angry, acts self righetous, you know you are on to something. Don't back down.

confused615 posted 11/19/2012 16:23 PM

Are you going to tell his wife?

Also,her phone call to him should have been made in front of you.

Im a little concerned that you don't have the whole picture here.

It sounds as if she has been crossing the line with this man for a long time. She acted inappropriately with him in the past,and you told her so. Yet,she continued.

This poor man's wife needs to know what has happened. This is an EA. You said he didnt seem all that interested. Even so,his wife deserves to know. She probably considers your wife her friend. She needs to know she's not.

nuance posted 11/19/2012 19:16 PM

Your story seems like Deja Vu to me. It all started with a "harmless" friend that seemed to talk to her too much. Later I found out about a secret e-mail account.

Affairs (and affairs clues) are like cockroaches - if you see one there are many others you haven't seen yet.

jimbo25319 posted 11/19/2012 19:56 PM

I like the "let me see your phone dear" idea. If there's nothing there, no problem. If she fights tooth and nail, or refuses, I don't think you know everything that happened.

BTW; the OM's W deserves to know whats happened.

Overcomming posted 11/20/2012 08:10 AM

Update on last night.

I took the boys to their activity, he and I seemed to keep at opposite ends of the room through out the night. It was very, very tough for me to be there.

After, when things were breaking up, I found the strenght to go up to him, and ask if we could have a word in private.

We went up stairs to a area were we could talk. I told him that I knew that my wife had called him to let him know that I know about there excessive online interaction.

He apologized, and agreed that what they were doing was inappropriate. I asked what his wife would think of all there interactions, he agreed that she would not be happy.
He said that he only ever considered her a friend.

He said that he was happily married and thought we were too, and agreed that some marriage lines were being crossed.

I told him that I thought that they were to good people that put themselves in a position that could have developed into something dangerous.

I told him I would not bring this issue up again with him, unless I had to (he got the message)

When I got home and everyone was asleep, I was watching MNF (god my fantasy team got killed this week). Wife came down, I asked for some more detail about their phone conversation, did not get much more then she already told me.

She asked if we talked and I told her what I said above. She then asked what my internet friends were suggesting I do, I told her there not friends, there 1000s of people who have gone through stuff like this and worse, who are trying to give me sound advice, as I dont know whats real anymore.

I told her that most were advising that there be no contact, and that I tell his wife, and your are correct they are friends.

I asked her what she was thinking, what put her is a place that she thought she could do this. She started to bring up our marriage issues, but stopped herself (a little blame shifting starting) I called her on it and told her that I knew what stage she was going into and all the stages ahead.

I find myself moving from the Shock to Anger phase.

She said that she felt cheap, I think she starting to see the reality of her actions. I ask her what she could do to help me feel safe, she just said what do you want me to do. Would be nice for her to take some action.

I asked if she deleted all the games, she said yes, not sure how to take this, but I guess I would have as well. Does not matter I have more than enough screen shots of there activity.

At the end of the conversation, she asks if I planned to tell his wife. I said I was not sure. I asked if it was me having this interaction with another married women, would she want to know. She paused at this, but then said if there was something more going on than yes, but they were just too good friends who let their friend ship get too close.

She said I should think of the devastation I would cause in the school community if I told her. This pissed me off, I said the devastation I would cause, I did nothing, and it was her that put me in this position.

She went up to bed; I sat there in the dark for another hour crying.
This morning was tough; we were alone for a few min. and we hugged, I asked if she could do me a favor to help me find flat ground again. I asked her if she could let me know of all contact she has with him going forward. (Hard Part) The look in here eye, she hesitated (thinking of the ramifications?) she told me that it would be hard, that they were close friends and share a lot between each other. Real Truth on her part, Real pain on my part.
I told her that that is what a classic EA is, and that is why we need to fix this.

She agreed to this.

Real fork in the road here, god I pray for us that she takes the right path.

Eating is tough, which I see from other posts is normal. Did not eat anything Friday and Saturday, Sunday forced myself to have some dinner, as we were eating as a family. Monday could not eat to dinner and again forced myself to eat. No energy, my brain hurts, work is suffering.

As far as telling his wife, the coming days will decide that. Im thinking of holding that info, to help them have incentive to do the right thing.
If she fails, this situation will go Nuclear, moving more and more to the anger stage.

[This message edited by Overcomming at 5:50 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

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