I am a 52-year-old professional who is trying desperately to get over my wife's infidelity. For now, I'll spare the details, as it could go on a long time. But suffice to say, the hurt never leaves. And no matter how tearful I get, I can't even get a sympathetic hand on a shoulder. I have shook from crying so hard, and all I get are snide remarks about what her parents did to her when she cried.
Worse, she is taking few steps to try to put this behind us. On the one hand she keeps insisting it's over, but about once-a-week there has been a new discovery of her latest communication with "him." And I now feel I have totally lost the ability to tell her that ALL communication with him must and will stop.
I know I am dealing with a female version of a mid-life crisis here, with all she has been doing. But she refuses marital counseling, and what little counseling she has sought for herself, she has admitted she hasn't come within 100 miles of admitting to this person what she's done.
Still, I love her. I have committed myself to a daily list of goals of things that will try to improve our marriage and will be directed towards her. I don't let a day go by without telling her I love her.
But she continues to do next to nothing. She seems annoyed she even has to repeat the words, "I'm sorry." She gives every sign of someone who is desperately trying to put life back to what it was before the affair.
I even took a work leave of absence to do what I had to do to get her counseling and put us on the road to recovery. We've now been home exactly five weeks, I am back to work, but I'm not at all convinced that anything is either changed or better.
Worse, I am starting to lose my will to keep fighting for this marriage. I spend most of my time around her at home either working for her or walking on egg-shells, afraid to say the wrong thing.
I literally find myself acting like the person who committed the affair is supposed to act (at least, I think so). Which means she both gets to have the affair and seems utterly unaffected by what it has done.
Her two daughters have essentially disowned her over this, and STILL it hasn't done much except to annoy her.
I just don't know what to do next except trying to find patience I seem to be running out of, and trying to do more of what I have been doing.
But what can one do where a spouse may finally "GET IT"?
The abbreviations are in The Healing Library at the left hand of the screen. When you are in the healing library look at the top of the page and you will see a tab for the abbreviations.
[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 3:18 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]
Love kills slowly.
Keep posting. Welcome
I have to say, it really sounds like thngs are a bit backwards here. First and foremost, you probably shouldn't be chasing your WW (wayward wife). She's still talking to the OM (other man) on a weekly basis, so she's still actively involved in an affair whether they are having sex still or not. By chasing her and telling her how wonderful she is and how much you love her, you may be coming off as a clingy, weak husband. I'm not saying this to offend you at all, and I'm not saying that is what you are, but when a WS (wayward spouse) is in the affair fog, this is they type of thinking they can be doing.
So, what to do? You should read up on the 180 in the healing library. The 180 will help you not seem like that guy. It will help you get things together for your own protection, and possibly can help shake her out of her WS fog. Sometimes a WS won't wake up until they think they've lost their BS (betrayed spouse). This often quickly clears up that WS fog and helps them see what they have been risking all along.
However, not all WS's will come out of the fog soon, or ever. Some are just the kind of person that feels no regret for cheating, and makes no excuses for it, sort of like Jesse James who was married to Sandra Bullock and a slew of others.
For you own sanity, I recommend the 180, and doing it hard! Disconnect from her, do your own activities, do all the things the 180 suggests and do your best not to waiver unless you see some real changes from your WW.
I know it's hard, and I know it feels wrong to disconnect from the one you want to keep so bad, but it will be the best thing to wake her up to what she's doing.
Let me share a personal story.
I have a relative who has always been very anti-180. He feels he can love his wife back into his arms. This cousin spent a year dating his wife while she was living on her own and, and the wife was carrying on several affairs at the same time. The cousin knew about this, but thought he could love her back home. After a year or so, she did come back home, but only for legal reasons. Turns out she found out she stood a great chance of losing custody of her kids since she had "abandoned" them for a year, so she moved back in to sleep in the guest room. She continued to carry on several more affairs and never laid a hand on the cousin. Now, another year later, she has decided she stands a good chance at custody and has filed for a divorce, and still refuses to leave the house. He definitely couldn't love her back home.
Me, I did 180 mildly. I was never very good at it, but I at least did some things. Today, it's been almost 5 years since I found out about my H's (husband's) affairs, and we are reconciled and happy with each other. My H stopped cold turkey, dropped everyone and everything he was doing because he saw me becoming distant and that made him realize he was losing me.
Post here often Trombone, you will get the best advice you will ever hear from people who have walked in your shoes and been down this path. Good luck to you.
Look, we did the no-contact letter - I made her throw away her cellphone from all the lying she did on it. Has not helped.
I have asked her to reverse the roles and see what she would think. That has produced the ultimate "flat-spot" on her face. She doesn't even begin to get that, at least in part because she knows I would never do that.
These days, all confrontation seems to do is that latest charge, "All you want to do is argue and fight." When the truth is, "NO, I WANT YOU TO COME COMPLETELY CLEAN, ACT LIKE A PERSON WHO HAS COMMITTED A WRONG, AND START WORKING FAR HARDER THAN I AM TO PUT THIS BACK."
As another BH, betrayed husband, I understand how you feel. Please understand that you can only control yourself. Your wife does nto soudn remorseful at all. You can't nice your WW, wayword wife, back to your marriage or back to you. It sounds like the A is still going on or at a minimum there is still contact. If that is true then your wife is still in the FOG and not really your wife anymore. Please read up on the 180 in the healing library. This will get you focused on healing yourself.
Also keep posting, there are a ton of good peole around here and everyone has been through this as well so they all have good advice. Please keep posting, vent, as needed, ask questions, and keep reading. This is a safe place for you to find support.
the 180 is in the Healing Library. It is a firm hard approach to someone who is not helping in the R
She can't. She is still in the FOG of the A so she isn't capable of rational or logical thought right now. If you want to get her attention, give her NO atttention. It will suck but you should detach big time. It is so counterintuitive and goes agaisnt everything in your being but so far you trying to save the Marriage has not worked out for you right.
So start working on yourself. Do stuff you want to do without her, workout, get a hobby, take some lessons, go to counseling for yourself, go see a lawyer. The intent it to get yourself to a safe place so you can stop the hurt. The only thing you can control is yourself. Your wife may or may not come back to the marriage but once she realizes you have removed yourself as option 2 to the other man she will have no choice but to wake up if she is going to wake up.
ETA(edit to Add): if the Other Man was married tell the other man's wife. also will help blow up the Affair.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:41 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]
If she won't or can't snap out of this, then you are much, much, better without her. She will reoffend if she doesn't have to face the concequenses of her affair.
See an attorney, get advice on where you are financially and what you can expect in the divorce. Ignore her as much as you can and start getting out of the house frequently.
You don't have to tell her anything about your comings and goings. Until she is fully focused on you, she will continue to focus on him.
I am so, so, sorry, but that is the brutal truth. You can not appear needy. That only encourages her to continue her bad behavior.
She may come around, realize what she is going to lose, and get to work on reconcilliation.
Hugs to you in this terrible time. Someone will always be here, online, for you, any hour of the day or night. BSs have a lot of trouble sleeping!
From what you've described, it seems that your WW (wayward wife) is still in her affair.
I have committed myself to a daily list of goals of things that will try to improve our marriage and will be directed towards her. I don't let a day go by without telling her I love her.
Please read up on the 180 in the Healing Library. I will bump a few threads up to the top of the Just Found Out forum for you to read, too.
For now, stop trying to "nice guy" her back to the marriage, and instead focus your time and energy on your own self care. Drink plenty of water. Eat, even if you don't feel like it. Work some exercise into your day - a walk, a run, a bike ride - whatever works for you.
Keep posting. We're here for you, trombone.
(((((hugs)))))
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön
Worse, I am starting to lose my will to keep fighting for this marriage. I spend most of my time around her at home either working for her or walking on egg-shells, afraid to say the wrong thing. I literally find myself acting like the person who committed the affair is supposed to act (at least, I think so). Which means she both gets to have the affair and seems utterly unaffected by what it has done.
I would suggest you might think about this question:
"What are you doing for you?"
She is going to have to do the work to repair what she has done. You can't do that for her.
I found with my WW (wayward wife) if I allow her to walk on me she will. Its in her character to do so and sounds like your wife is the same way. You deserve better treatment than that. If she won't work on making restitution for what she has done, you may need to reconsider the relationship.
It's tough my friend and I totally understand that. I'm going through coming to grips with that myself.
[This message edited by RyeBread at 4:16 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]
First, here is the link to learning about the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
I provided the link, because to me, it is a bit hard to find on this site. Since everyone is saying "do the 180", I wanted to be sure you have direct access to it.
The only other thing I can offer is total empathy for your frustration, a frustration caused by your wife not being remorseful. I experienced the SAME thing. Blank stares. I felt like I had been transported to some parallel universe. I remember saying to my xWW (ex wayward wife), "you don't seem to be feeling this."
I also tried to get her to reverse the situation in her mind, to help her see, but that didn't do it either. Instead, she did what they call here, "blame shifting". She'd say crazy things like, "you always spent too much time with the kids, to the exclusion of everything else." ( Uh. Excuse me? You mean you slept with another man because I spent too much time taking care of our two year old son and five year old daughter? )
Sorry. Back to you. So, if you don't mind, I'm going to be blunt, so prepare yourself. You're faced with a really fucked-up situation. Your wife cheated on you. She's not particularly bothered by the whole thing. Her attitude is more like, "What, you want to talk about the affair, AGAIN!!?? I already SAID I was sorry. What do you want, a pint of blood!!??"
She does NOT get it, at all. She betrayed you and doesn't even feel that bad about it. To be more precise, she is not doubled-over in remorsefulness. So, here's the blunt part. She may not want you right now. She may want him. She CANNOT have both. You will not share her. If she chooses to maintain contact with the OP (other person), she is choosing to risk losing you. Once she really knows this, it will either change her behavior, or it won't. You need to be prepared for either outcome, which is torture, in and of itself.
Keep posting with updates and questions. You hit the infidelity help motherload when you found this site. Good luck.
[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 5:59 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]
Please read 1985's post again, carefully. If you want to save your marriage, he has shown you the way and explained everything perfectly.
And again, being very blunt, you may not be able to save your marriage at this point, because your wife may not want to be married to you any longer, but your best path has been pointed put to you by people who have recommended implementing the 180. 1985 put bright lights on the path for you and explained why it is the best path to take.
You CANNOT "love" or "nice" or "beg" or "chase" an unrepentant spouse back into the relationship. You have no control over their feelings or actions. Only your own. And unfortunately those things usually only serve to make you seem weak and even less desirable.
Be "hard to get". Draw large lines in the sand and insist on consequences. Get tough. Refuse to be a third in your marriage. Refuse to have ANY relationship with her unless she is 110% remorseful and PROVING it every day with every decision and response that she makes, because anything less will be doomed to failure. Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart and it takes TWO determined, committed, and courageous people, and even then it often doesnt "take". She is nowhere close.
Take out all the biggest guns you have and use them immediately. (They lose their impact quickly with time. ). It may or may not bring her around, but it's your best bet.
Another alternative to the 180 is just divorce her. Seriously, in some cases it's what's needed for a wakeup call. There's a real good discussion here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=469167
By the way, the thread is not pro-divorce (nor am I), it's pro-betrayed spouse, and why they should consider divorce as an option right away. It might give you some good ideas. I'm sorry you are here.
In reading your story, it sounded similar to mine. My Husband was very similar in his response for several months. I acted very much like you while he was so foggy. I finally couldn't take the pain anymore. I found I too, was like you and didn't feel like fighting anymore.
I hadn't found this site yet, but did manage to figure it out. I was ready for a divorce. I had the bills split, ready to get an attorney, etc. He knew when I told him, that I was ready and I was finished. He then finally got it. We did go to counseling, but it has taken a while to heal. He has since changed for the better, but it has been a hard road.
Only you know when it is time to lay down the hard line. It took me a few months, but an event happened that killed my love for him and made it easy to take the next step.
Hugs to you and know you are supported here.
You need to 180, detach, and start focus on healing YOU. Better yet, really hand her the smackdown and file for D.
Your WW doesn't get it, and will not until you do something that really gets her attention. D papers seem to do the trick.
If she chooses the M, make sure you have a defined list of what you require in order to attempt R. This must include NC in any form with the OM. Just as important as your list of requirements is what consequences will happen if she does not comply. I suggest you take the firm stand of immediate D action. Keep in mind that infidelity is war. Take no prisoners, show no quarter. If D is on the horizen take that same approach. She, her A and the OM are the enemy. Do not give aid and comfort to the enemy. Have a battle plan in place and follow it to the letter. Do not waver and make any deal with her. Unconditional surrender is your only recourse here. She must submit or get the fuck out.
I personally compare a WS to a terrorist. And if you think about it they are. They are emotional terrorists who are trying to hold you hostage in order to get you to agree to their demands. Do not negotiate with terrorists ! You must also think long and hard about what has transpired. If R is on your mind please think about the long term. R is really hard work that must be done by both partners. Neither you nor she can carry the load individually. You must ask yourself can you really forgive ? Because you can not R if you carry any burden of her A. You will never forget what has happened, thats just fact. But one can forgive and have a better M afterwards. Please think about what I have said. R is a gift from the BS to the WS. And there is no shame if you can not give that gift. You are under no obligation to R with her. She knew the risks when she entered into an A. She chose to have it anyway. Therefore do not think she is entitled to that gift. If you offer it, she must earn it. She will most likely attempt the old "I dont know what I want" bullshit. If that is the case you must assume that she opts for the OM. She is either all in, or all out. No gray areas in this. Do not alow her to stall the enevitable.
There are great articles in the healling library to assist you in whatever course this takes. I suggest you read up on all of them. Good stuff in there my friend. Keep up your health and strength. If you need a little help getting there, seek it out. Get some IC and/or meds if needed. Keep posting and reading. We are here to assist you my man. I know it seems like you dont have any energy to do what I have spoken of. But its there. Deep down inside we all carry one last reserve of energy, dignity and drive. Tap that reserve if needed. Good luck brother. I hope this works out for you.
