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"Outing" an Unmarried AP

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popitdaddy posted 11/26/2012 16:15 PM

I'm pretty sure I want to expose my WW's lover. He is not married (only a 23 yr old punk) but I have done my homework and gathered the names and addresses of a great many of his local family and relatives.

I feel like this might be more vindictive than noble since there is not a deserving spouse to break the news to. However, I still feel like affairs and adultery should have consequences. Also, it might be the final thing neccessary to make him cut it off with her for good (if they have not already).

The people I found I'm only MOSTLY sure about whether they are his immediate family. For example, I have two people that may or may not be his mom and dad. Therefore I run the risk of contacting people who are completely unaffiliated. The only other thing is possibly the risk of him retaliating by making trouble for my W at work; but that's neither here nor there right now.

Anyway, has anyone ever decided to "tell on" their OM/OW's partner when they were not married and if so, what message is best used? I've been able to write some amazing letters lately except this one! All I have so far is "I want you to know what he did and what kind of person he is....." blah blah blah.

Thanks for any insight

ReunitePangea posted 11/26/2012 16:52 PM

I can relate to your frustration and desire to do this but I don't see any benefit to you or your situation by doing it. What good do you hope to get really? Don't give this 23 year old the power by showing them what they did to hurt you. Let them learn that lesson the hard way many years from now when they lose something they care about because of their poor judgement and behavior.

healingk posted 11/26/2012 16:54 PM

I totally understand how you feel, the OW in my case was unmarried. I wanted to get on Facebook and make a post to all her friends, but I held it in and didn't, make the post. I would have outed her, to her spouse, if she had been married to her spouse, but she wasn't.

Just remember if you do this, they are his family and love him, you may not get the results that you want, and you may just sound like the crazy scorned spouse. It is really hard to think that someone that could do this, is loved by anyone, but they are.

I feel your pain.
Good luck in your choice.

StillGoing posted 11/26/2012 16:55 PM

I could never find a reason better than hoping to inflict some kind of damage on him so I didn't bother. If I wanted to do that I'd just drive down there and hit him. Elaborate vengeance schemes only work in bad novels and honestly I admit, I felt kind of like a pussy for not driving down there to begin with. So that influenced my decision not to broadcast it further I guess.


I felt that way even though I understand nothing good could come from it and I avoided doing it simply because I did not think it was worth the jail time and drama explained to my kids. If I saw him waddle past me tomorrow I don't know that I could keep myself from just reaching out to grab him by the neck and shake him liken etch a sketch.

One of those things that just sits there to deal with in all its irrational glory.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 4:58 PM, November 26th (Monday)]

RyeBread posted 11/26/2012 17:11 PM

His family may be upset with him but they'll still protect him. I think you'd come off as more vindictive than righteous/noble.

Does he know that you know?

Others may not agree but what about contacting him and letting the little snot know that you know what's going on. Not sure what the age dynamics are at play here but guys at that age might get scared if a silverback calls to put him in his place.

No threats, just a notification that you don't take kindly to having your life F'd with.

Jrazz posted 11/26/2012 17:18 PM

It's pretty common to want the AP to hurt like they have hurt us. The thing is, giving them ANY of our energy is only hurting ourselves.

You're not going to get the response you want from him anyway. Since they didn't work together, and there's no other spouse, there's really nobody in a position to hold him accountable in his own life.

Find out if your W is truly in R, and work on yourself first and foremost. You deserve every scrap of energy you have to build yourself back up.


loserhusband posted 11/26/2012 17:24 PM

Like you the OP was single, so I told everyone she worked with and I also told her Mom (Dad ??) not sure if he ever married her Mom ! And I told her brother and Mother (made a personal phone call to her home) Told them that she blew my fucktard husband in his shitbox truck and fucked him in pay for the hour flea box motels! They defended her (classy family) and did not even seem shocked that someone would find her actions to be degrading or offensive

sadandempty posted 11/26/2012 18:00 PM

The OW was recently divorced so I didn't have a BS to tell, but OW lives in a small town my WH and I grew up in so I have friends and family that live there. I told everyone I knew that lived there to out her, I wanted to make sure that everyone knew the disgusting person she was, and gossip and news travel fast in that town. I did think about talking to her X about how she was using their 11 yr old D though, she had her D texting my WH during the A and was telling my WH how she didn't have a father figure and how she saw that in my WH , but I never had the guts to do it, i didn't want her to have any excuses to try to contact my WH, or have them apart of our lives ever again!

tabitha95 posted 11/26/2012 18:05 PM

I don't think you are going to get the response from these people that you think you will. 23 year old boys will probably glamorize the whole thing. Mommy's are very forgiving and will usually go after whoever is harming their cub.

I don't think it's worth your effort.

Solution posted 11/26/2012 18:36 PM

Goal number one - bust up the affair. You can't recover until NO CONTACT.

In my experience helping others, unfortunately it is more often than not that the OM ends it after exposure. Wayward wives flip flop and can't decide what they want. One day they want you...the next OM. OM dumping her because she's just too much trouble and, now that the affair isn't a secret any more just not much fun anymore (plus mom and aunt Vicky are giving him crap) is a GREAT outcome. Also, even if it doesn't work will someday since they will never be able to claim they just hooked up after you two separated/divorced.

Some more recently betrayed husband's will get caught up in the mind game of thinking it matters whether their WW ends the affair themselves or not. It doesn't and ending the affair anyway you can sooner rather than later is the best way to at least get a shot at recovery (before you really start hating her).

She will go ballistic on you after you expose. Do not threaten or forewarn her at all or you'll just make this anger worse. Your marriage can survive her can't survive a lingering intruder.

Here's one draft of an exposure letter:

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a co-worker some of you may even know named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.

She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx or xxxxx to persuade her or him to end the affair so we can try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

Solution posted 11/26/2012 18:49 PM

I don't think you are going to get the response from these people that you think you will. 23 year old boys will probably glamorize the whole thing. Mommy's are very forgiving and will usually go after whoever is harming their cub.

I don't think it's worth your effort.

It just takes ONE PERSON in the RIGHT POSITION to make a difference. Betrayed spouses are everywhere and whether it be an aunt, a grandfather, a friend or whomever...if someone of influence steps up it can make a huge difference. Especially on OM's side of things....he's a young impressionable barely mature boy of 23. His friends and family CAN likely have a huge influence.

If it was my 23 year old kid and they lived at home...I'd give them 15 seconds to end it forever or disown them.

I'll offer myself up as exhibit #1. Once my MIL was told...within hours she called the OM in our lives, threatened him and told him she'd give him one day before she came over to literally whoop him (she'd known him for years - childhood friend of my wife's) AND talk with his parents (30+ year old that lived at home after a recent divorce himself). She was convincing. Within 24 hours he dumped my wife FOREVER (while also being sworn to secrecy so my wife had no idea why he was ending it (which also worked out well for us as I didn't have to endure the short term shit-storm following many exposures).


Then you can do Plan B or Plan 180 or whatever.

p.s. - Again...the shit-storm will be huge. She will make you regret what you've done and you'll be second guessing yourself for a few days or weeks but in the end it's the best and only weapon to bust up the affair. Very few regret exposing.

[This message edited by Solution at 6:51 PM, November 26th (Monday)]

Angelstar5 posted 11/26/2012 19:18 PM

when i first found out, i wanted to out her someway. I told her mom and her sister she was a whore (she really is a hooker) and sent them her website addys. Mom ignored me and sister slammed me. So i figured out where she went to highschool and went to and filled in her profile. Lets just say i was out for some revenge. Was it the best thing i could have done? NO. Did it make me feel better. Yes.

They ask you something like "what you are up to now" and i wrote "i'm a hooker and suck as many dicks as i can by the hour" and "what do you want for the future" something about "wanting to ruin the lives of families, wives and children across america" somthing like that. It's still there...she doesn't know it's there, I guess i should delete it...someday.

I have a daughter who is 28 and if a woman called me and told me what she had done i'd have tried everythign to make it stop and really slammed my kid, but in the end, i love her no matter what she if it makes you feel better, go for it, but don't expect huge outcomes. Don't do what i hindsight it felt better for a little while, but now i kind of don't care so much about her anymore.

Rebreather posted 11/26/2012 19:35 PM

I will differ from most and say you should go for it. This type of exposure can still be very effective. The content of the letter is different but it can work, although it is best to have no expectations. I would do something like:

I am writing to you because you are a friend/family of X. I have recently learned that XX is engaging in an adulterous affair with my wife of ## years. We have ## children whose names are blank and blank. I love my wife deeply and we cannot work on our marriage while XX is still a part of her life. I implore you to use whatever influence you may have on XX to convince him the error of his ways by interfering with a marriage. I am committed to making my marriage work. Any help you can provide in keeping my children's family intact would be forever appreciated.


Good luck!!

StillGoing posted 11/26/2012 20:02 PM

Just to make sure: If you do this don't expect a 23 year old to behave like an adult, and don't expect his family to give a flying fuck. Blood is thicker than water in most of this shit and you run just as much a chance of this family defending their behavior. There is nothing in it for them to lose here - you are the only one who stands to lose anything unless you have a solid divorce plan set up.

Expose the affair but expose HER family, friends, co workers, etc. These are people who know you and would be sympathetic.

Finally, don't go at this like it's a game or a plan to win back your wife or secure your marriage. Your wife cant unfuck this punk, that bird has flown. If you are going to expose this kid then you should do it for the reasons you said in your original post - because you want people in his life to know what a shit bag he is. Any other positive returns you get are serendipitous at best.

exhausted lady posted 11/26/2012 20:56 PM

I'm sorry but I don't think outing this little slimebag is going to get you anywhere, or make you feel any better. Chances are, he'll just get a bunch of high-fives for his stupid behavior.

He's still wet behind the ears, and in fratboy mode. I have NO idea why a mature woman would even think about going there, but I digress....

I think you need to do a HARD 180, for yourself first and foremost. You might give fratboy a call and fill him in on how much it takes to support wifey and the two kids. I'm sure in his MILF fantasy life he hasn't thought THAT over.

Then, cut her loose. If she pulls her foggy head out of her ass and decides to grow the hell up, fine and good - *IF* you still want this woman in your life.

Do what you need to do to protect you and your kids.

rarepearl7 posted 11/26/2012 21:06 PM

I did expose the unmarried OW on her facebook. I copied all her friend's and family, locked my facebook down tight so she could not reach my contact's. Then I fired off a email to each and everyone on her list. Within an hour that facebook page was down. It gave me great satisfactiom to know I gave her some of the gut busting pain I had. I contacted about 125 people. Non responded but I did not expect or want that. Only regret is I sent one to her son (he was 23 lived with her so knew my H)

I did not worry about anger from my H because he knew I was ready to gut him.

She knew he was married and should have listened when he said his wife was mean!

SBB posted 11/26/2012 21:12 PM

During False R I asked monster to send an email to OW and everyone they met on the professional development course overseas outing himself and her and telling them everything he was saying to me (disgraceful behaviour, disgusted with himself, betrayed his wife, himself, his children, broken damaged poor excuse of a man did this, risked someone wonderful for less than nothing, worst sex of his life etc etc).

Fast forward to a short while later ie 2 months after the end of 3m False R ("I'll do WHATEVER it takes for as long as it takes" and other bull) and she comes up as a suggested connection on LinkedIn because they are now connected. It would have come up for my friends and colleagues connected to him too (I've unlinked him). More humiliation - he's such a monster. I'm guessing he lied and said I sent it. I'm the crazy bitter ex now.

In asking him to send it I inadvertently gave her some of my power.

I guess that's my long-winded way of saying it won't give you peace and could add to your pain. He is not your problem - your WW is. Try not to lose focus and get lost in the OP-hating quagmire. The only person who suffers from hatred is the hater, not the hated.

((PID)) I've been we're you are friend and it sucks a big hairy monkeys arse. But you need to stay focused on you lest this consumes you. He is not the reason she cheated - he's just the next douche to blow in her ear.

More hugs ((PID)) - you'll probably ignore the advice as lots of us do. Just brace yourself if you do.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 9:14 PM, November 26th (Monday)]

wontdefineme posted 11/26/2012 21:22 PM

This is something you need to do, not us. We all have our own road to walk and only we know what we must do to move on. Without doing bodily harm of course.

When the MOW and her BS wouldn't do what was necessary to stop the A I contacted both of their mothers.

Well it didn't give me any satisfaction because her mom told me that she barely saw her and her daughter didn't contact her much. Felt bad for her mother but it confirmed what a bitch she was. When I called her MIL she told me the same thing and that her DIL dresed like a whore all her life.

So, apart from her family now knowing that she was a home wrecker, both women were sad for my kids and me. It ended any vengeance towards her and then I didn't care if my XH ended up with the whore, actually hoped he would.

carey posted 11/26/2012 22:07 PM

I do think your idea is a vindictive one. I understand why you feel this way but, really think about what StrongButBroken said.....

He is not your problem - your WW is. Try not to lose focus and get lost in the OP-hating quagmire. The only person who suffers from hatred is the hater, not the hated.

Yes, this guy is wrong for having an A w/your wife. However, YOUR WIFE is the one that was supposed to be faithful & committed to you!

Does she still work with him?

homewrecked2011 posted 11/26/2012 22:16 PM

I need help on "outing". I have told just a few of XH friends and they were useless. His sisters turned on me. I never thought calling my H boss or sending a letter to all of our friends asking for their help in ending this. I really do not think H wanted D but the OW has his mind so totally messed up that he is bad mouthing me to our children -- something he never did to 1st wife..

I like the letter Solution typed up.

How do most people out? Is it in person or mass produced letters????


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