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Ten Things I Wish I Knew Before Filing For D

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surviving101 posted 12/5/2012 10:52 AM

Ten Things I Wish I knew Before Filing for D

1.- I wish I knew things were going to get worse before they were going to get better. That way I would not be surprised at the craziness triggered by WS being served. Things did get better but it took a while. D is not a miracle cure but eventually it heals.

2.- I wish I knew that EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT AT THE END. At the beginning of the process everything seemed so chaotic. At the end I can't remember the reason I was so afraid in the first place.

3.- I wish I knew that this DIVORCE was MY SOLUTION... It was the right thing and the right time to do it. Somehow I felt guilty because I was filing... it turned out to be a blessing in disguise for my kids and me.

4.- I wish I knew that the kids were going to be able to survive this. I was always afraid for my kids and they turned out to be so resilient.

5.- I wish I knew that the FEAR I was feeling was all an illusion. WW was not able to destroy me emotionally. I just thought she was able to emotionally harm me, but it turned out she never had the power in the first place.

6.- I wish I knew that as soon as I "let go" of the situation, then the situation was going to let go of me. My worrying did not make me any good. You need to prepare with you lawyer and court and everything... but at some point you just have to let go. (FYI: This proved to be extremely difficult for me)

7.- I wish I knew what a very wise SIer posted in the forum "Divorce is WAR". It will get very nasty, believe me. You have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

8.- I wish I knew that I come first. I neglected my health and my spirit during the D process. I thought I came second. I was wrong.

9.- I wish I knew to prepare for rain... You will get that D eventually. Start planning your new life. Start visualizing what you want your life to be after the D.

10.- I wish I could have ENJOYED (you heard correctly!) my D process as a rite of passage... I should have treasured it as a ceremony for my well-being. It turned out to be one of the things that I am most proud about. I FINALLY TOOK A STAND FOR MYSELF.

Cookie7088 posted 12/5/2012 11:02 AM

This is awesome! And very true...

I remember filing for divorce. I felt like a failure....

And one of my best friends had to point out, "You would have been a failure, if you hadn't."

The light bulb finally went on...I stood up for myself and my beliefs...I followed through with what I said I would...

And divorce -- it's not a stigma....everyone's doing it now-a-days!

For those going through it, you will survive it...and probably be a darn better person for it!

NikkiG posted 12/5/2012 11:43 AM

Great post, thanks for sharing

dmari posted 12/5/2012 12:58 PM

Great post surviving101!! Thank you so much for sharing!! I hope others will be able to add to your list. It will be such valuable advice for the ones who are waaaay in the beginning of the divorce process.

My 2 cents (I am in the beginning of the process ... I have just dropped off my declaration for temporary sole legal and physical custody)

1. Post and read in this forum!! I have gotten so much insight, advice and support.

2. Get an attorney! I did get one but didn't think I would really "need" him. Boy, was I wrong!! Things can go from "normal" to "what the fuck" in minutes.

3. Document everything.

4. Protect your bank accounts.

Only four things so far but I'm sure when I am done with the divorce, I can list 1,000!!

Crushed1 posted 12/5/2012 13:09 PM

Bravo surviving101!

I know it took a lot of pain, suffering, and fear for you to get where you are now (and I am sorry you suffered) but you have not only survived you have grown in strength and wisdom.

You made so many good points when one is struggling along this path, but I especially liked these:

5.- I wish I knew that the FEAR I was feeling was all an illusion. WW was not able to destroy me emotionally. I just thought she was able to emotionally harm me, but it turned out she never had the power in the first place.

6.- I wish I knew that as soon as I "let go" of the situation, then the situation was going to let go of me. My worrying did not make me any good. You need to prepare with you lawyer and court and everything... but at some point you just have to let go. (FYI: This proved to be extremely difficult for me)

8.- I wish I knew that I come first. I neglected my health and my spirit during the D process. I thought I came second. I was wrong.

10.- I wish I could have ENJOYED (you heard correctly!) my D process as a rite of passage... I should have treasured it as a ceremony for my well-being. It turned out to be one of the things that I am most proud about. I FINALLY TOOK A STAND FOR MYSELF.

I am so proud of you! Continued blessings to you and your children!

surviving101 posted 12/5/2012 14:29 PM

Crushed1: You have always been a source of great comfort in this chaotic experience, for that I will be eternally thankful.

dov46 posted 12/5/2012 14:52 PM

5.- I wish I knew that the FEAR I was feeling was all an illusion. WW was not able to destroy me emotionally. I just thought she was able to emotionally harm me, but it turned out she never had the power in the first place.
6.- I wish I knew that as soon as I "let go" of the situation, then the situation was going to let go of me. My worrying did not make me any good. You need to prepare with you lawyer and court and everything... but at some point you just have to let go. (FYI: This proved to be extremely difficult for me)

8.- I wish I knew that I come first. I neglected my health and my spirit during the D process. I thought I came second. I was wrong.

10.- I wish I could have ENJOYED (you heard correctly!) my D process as a rite of passage... I should have treasured it as a ceremony for my well-being. It turned out to be one of the things that I am most proud about. I FINALLY TOOK A STAND FOR MYSELF.

Amen....I agree w/all of these...I'm so damned proud of myself...and I am so at peace. No one would have been able to tell me this 4 years ago when I started on the infertility merry-go-round....but it's true!!!!! I've come a long way Baby....and so have all of you!!!!!!

surviving101 posted 5/10/2014 13:10 PM

Remember that You come first.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/10/2014 14:03 PM

Amen brother!

justinpaintoday posted 5/10/2014 14:04 PM

Point 10: Very insightful. Hadn;t thought of it that way biut certainly true. Like getting your degree so you can practice in your new field (life)

DeadMumWalking posted 5/10/2014 14:27 PM

Hi surviving, long time no see! How are you and the kiddies doing? I hope you are not experiencing any further crazy from XWW.

Thanks for sharing these thoughts with everyone here, I'm sure we could all use the insight of your perspective.

((((surviving & kids))))

toby posted 5/10/2014 14:31 PM

Remember that You come first.

Damn Straight!!!

S101!!!! How the hell are you?

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/10/2014 16:03 PM

Thanks for posting!!! I'm preparing myself for a D, so your list is great for me right now!

deena posted 5/10/2014 16:17 PM

Thank you for posting this.
I am just at the start of the process...getting all the lawyer paper work is so emotionally draining I am sometimes wondering if it is worth it....this helps!

nekorb posted 5/10/2014 23:38 PM

Thank you. I needed to hear this tonight.

persevere posted 5/11/2014 01:28 AM

Excellent post.

Pinkyxo posted 5/11/2014 08:09 AM

Thank you Surviving 101. I so needed this...
I'm stuck :(

Dawn58 posted 5/11/2014 08:49 AM

Wonderful post. I am in the thick of it right now. Had my mediation nearly three weeks ago and waiting for the attorneys to tied up the loose ends.

For me, it was critical that I find an attorney who I felt had my back and was going to fight for me. I went through 2 attorneys before I found the attorney who is handling my divorce.

I have no idea what my life is going to look like now. So many changes ahead of me - will be graduating from school this summer, have to sell my house and move, find a job and continue to relish and enjoy MY freedom and MY life.

Divorce was my solution to his infidelity. I am finding myself.

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