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Facing the OM

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popitdaddy posted 12/14/2012 07:04 AM

I really want to meet with my WW's OM and make him face me. I found his phone number and plan to call him and make him meet me at Starbucks for a little grown up talk. He has no idea that I know who he is or that I even know about the affair and I'm going to tell him that he's either going to meet me at Starbucks or have to face me at his work.

I want to ask him questions about the affair and get his story so that I can match it up with the answers from my WW but has anyone else ever done this and what other questions were you able to ask him or her? I know I want to ask other questions and I want all the answers I can get but not sure what else is wise to say or ask.

I also want to make sure he knows the jig is up and his activities are on my radar. If he meets me and has a decent attitude I might not send out the stack of letters to his family that I've got signed sealed.

Somebody talk me out of this if I need to be or share a similar experience maybe (?)

vistainc posted 12/14/2012 07:27 AM

I would love to confront the OW face to face, but I know myself well enough to know that only one of us would be able to leave that meeting without assistance from the paramedics. Are you sure you can handle the emotions? Be honest with yourself. I know at this point the anger would consume me, but Iam still very early into this. Good luck and know I am sending you a prayer for guidance as you struggle with this decision!

annb posted 12/14/2012 07:36 AM

I had the need to contact OW,and I did via telephone call (she lived clear across the country, had she lived closer who knows what I might have done in my state of mind ).

Be prepared for more lies, remember OM is not your friend, he does not have an obligation to be honest...he may very well be, but don't count on civil discourse. He's a cheater, too, and he will lie.

I would make the phone call first, don't be surprised if he refuses to meet you. I think your only recourse for some type of satisfaction is if you have proof he was conducting the A using company time/equipment, which would be a concern to his HR Dept.

BTW, OW was scared to death of me, knew I would not tolerate any BS, maybe that's the message you need to get across. Good luck.

[This message edited by annb at 7:38 AM, December 14th (Friday)]

Twitchy posted 12/14/2012 08:13 AM

I won't talk you out of it. Sounds like a plan to me.

Just don't do it like that.

Don't threaten to go to his work. That could backfire quickly as he'll spin the story with co-workers into you being batshit crazy and arranging for support, maybe even police, if you do show up.

If OM is married, plan the meeting and make it cordial. Like you just want to figure a few things out.

Have a nice friendly conversation (that's the hard part) then immediatley afterward out him to his wife. Make esure you have all her info and a communication line to her set up before the meeting just to make sure.

Then, out him to his employer, but only if you have proof the A was conducted on company time and with company rescources (phone, email, etc). A quick email with copies of docs would do.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:16 AM, December 14th (Friday)]

BeenThereDunThat posted 12/14/2012 08:31 AM

I wouldn't talk you out of it.

Look, these two thought it was perfectly fine to make all kinds of decisions FOR you and your marriage while they were in the affair. Decisions you had no hand in and no knowledge of.

Therefore, it's now YOU in the drivers' seat, calling the shots and making the decisions. Yup, there's a new sheriff in town.

I don't know if the OM is married or not, but I think your first gambling chip would be to calmly tell him he has a choice - he meets you at Starbucks on such and such a day and time, OR you'll bring all your proof to his wife and blow the lid off this affair.

If he's not committed to anyone and a threat to expose him to his immediate family doesn't hold any water, then your next gambling chip would be his workplace. I'd absolutely tell him that he has 2 choices - meet you OR deal with all his coworkers knowing what he's been doing.

Libel is the misrepresentation or falsfication of information about someone IN WRITING that can cause them damage. But if what you have on paper is TRUE (which it is) then it cannot be considered libel.

Because you know the little weasel will immediately threaten you that he'll sue you for libel. Tell him to look it up - it's not libel if it's true.

Let him know you've got him by the balls.

Don't show any weakness or he'll steamroll you. You simply tell him WHEN you want him to meet you and then you be sure to have the questions you want answered WRITTEN DOWN so you don't forget what it is you want to know from him. This type of thing can so easily go off track, so a nice, neat checklist will help you stay on point and accomplish what it is you're looking for.

And by all means, do NOT tell your wife your plan!!!

After you get all your answers and you're satisfied that the little puke has been honest with you, THEN I'd send the packet of proof to everyone in his family and/or his wife/girlfriend if he has one.

Remember - you're NOT obligated to keep their dirty little secret and if this weasel has a spouse, then the right thing to do would be to TELL her.

Good luck in your mission.

32mor posted 12/14/2012 08:32 AM

You will not get what you want, I can assure you of that. You will want the truth, you will want it to match up with your WW story and possibly a few more details that you were not aware of, you will want him to apologize or at least feel like an idiot for what he's done to your family. You'll want to tell him to go away, or else!

You will get none of that. You will get a mouth full of lies and excuses. He and your WW will create their story and stick to it, no matter what. This was my experience from conversation with OM; it was pointless and left me that much more pissed off.

He knows the "jig is up" as your WW told him as much, you confronting him is not going to give you the answers you desire. I wouldn't threaten anything (sending letters to his family), I'd just do it. Yeah, I did that too.

Sorry man, I know that feeling, you want to control the situation and understand; but you won't get what it is that you are looking for.

5454real posted 12/14/2012 08:40 AM

Tfhink it through, he will know something is up if you insist on a meeting. He will either try to set up a confrontation in which you get to look like the bad guy. In one possible scenario he might try to manufacture your possible arrest, how cool could you stay if he started belittling you and your member, or your lack of ability in bed? He has NO respect for you whatsoever, he's doing your wife for goodness sakes. I drove 3 hours to find the POS and was fully prepared to get physical. I am glad it took that long, because it allowed me to realize that while the confrontation might be sweet(pound him into pudding) and answer some questions that I had, CHEATERS LIE!!! Whatever answers you might derive from your questioning are going to be half truths at best.
Think it through would you believe anything he said? He's going to be in CYA mode. Believe me, we all still have questions about what really happened with/to our spouses. Short of providing audio/video evidence, there will never be a satisfactory long term answer to what you so desperatly need to know.
Sorry JMHO

RyeBread posted 12/14/2012 09:26 AM

Will this be something that will help you move past the A, or is it more of a control play so that you feel like you have some power?

The OM is just as selfish and narcissistic as your WW. Unless he didn't know your WW was married chances are he'll lie or manipulate the situation. He may even have his buddies waiting in the parking lot for you. Be prepared for all contingencies and expect the worst. Have an exit plan. And even more importantly, know your emotional limits.

I can understand wanting the upper hand in the situation since OM and WW took away your sense of safety and security in your relationship. But don't put yourself in a position to potentially lose even more.

Now is the time to take care of yourself and do whats best for you.

ciaobaby posted 12/14/2012 10:23 AM

For what it's worth - he wont care and he wont tell you the truth. You're better off outing him to his wife and work. It took me a year to do it and I was scared to death to - but oh how they scuttle like cockraches in the light of the truth. And then they have consequences to face and that will give you a degree of satisfaction.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 12/14/2012 10:31 AM

I think this is a bad idea.

As others have said, he'll lie. He'll also minimize or try and flip the blame to you. He's try and get a rise out of you- can you control your temper with a man who has slept with your wife? Then what? Is a criminal record worth it? Or what if he takes the first swing and breaks you? Are the medical procedures worth it?

Your focus needs to be on your WW. What is she doing (not saying, DOING) to prove she's all in for R? If nothing, then there's your answer.

wert posted 12/14/2012 11:20 AM

I wouldn't depend on OM telling you anything about the A. I called OM after I found out. First night to ensure he knew I knew and that I would be telling his W. I then talked to him two days later to establish exactly how he was to proceed with his life as it pertained to my W and my family. No threats. Just made it clear what I expected from him. It was healthy and I think reasonable.

I would advise against the face to many variables. The telephone conversation, IMO, can get the point across you want to make and mitigate extracurricular activities that may not play well long term.

take care..

numb&dumb posted 12/14/2012 11:43 AM

Having personal experience with this myself I have to tell you that a face to face is a very bad idea.

It seems like it will make you feel better, but it won't. It does not change a thing. Except you can create more problems where you are already maxed out.

The OM could have been anybody. Your WW is where these feelings need to be directed towards. She did lie to you, cheat on you and bring this pain into your life. Chances are a scumbag like this will probably lie to you anyway. What do you expect from a pig, but a grunt, right ?

It was her choice. Her brokenness that brought you to this point in your life. He is just one of the details.

Do not engage him. You will feel very differently about this in the future. Trust me.

faithfulfool posted 12/14/2012 12:02 PM

A while back I found a website (or maybe it was in a book), I wish I could find it again, but it was regarding letters/calls to the OM from a BH. It was shown side-by-side, with what the BH said versus what the OM would hear. It was a real eye opener for me, and kept me from contacting the OM.

The point was that the BH will come across sounding weak and pathetic at best, and at worst might serve as a signal that the WW would still be interested.

For example:

BH says: Stay away from my wife or [insert any threat here].
OM thinks: WW can't resist me.

BH says: You have caused much misery / damage to the marriage.
OM thinks: He is weak and pathetic, no wonder his wife would stray.

BH says: How many times? Where? When? etc.
OM thinks: He doesn't know everything, I will lie.

Anyway, I cannot re-create it as cleverly or as well written as the original. Maybe someone will know what I am talking about and post a link.

The point is, you really need to examine why it is you want to contact the OM. And remember, they are very much in the fog, very much in a different place, and a different mindset. He is unlikely to empathize with your situation. And you might send the wrong message. If you are looking for control, it will just show how out of control you actually are.

Additionally, I must caution you against meeting the OM in person. I know some people do, but for me, the urge to destroy the OM was overwhelming so close to DDay. I am not certain I would have been able to mantain control. What if he says something vulgar? Close to DDay I am sure I would have murdered the OM if I met him in person and he said something about my wife. Maybe you are more sure of your self control. He is unlikely to care about the stack of letters.

If he's married, notify his BW. Maintain NC with the OM forever.

Blisslost posted 12/14/2012 12:44 PM

I glad you posted this.

I have thought several times of meeting the OW. Immediately after DDay, I went to WH work place to meet him for lunch. I wondered if I would see her, but he made sure she was out of the office.

I have since thought about calling her, but so far I have hesitated. I can't think of anything that I want to hear from her. We are 2 months into R and the only thing I thing about contacting her for is to see if they still have any contact (I don't think they do, but obviously, the trust is still not there). I've thought about saying if you are in contact with him, send me proof and he can be yours (of course I wouldn't mean that) and it's a stupid idea.

solus sto posted 12/14/2012 14:33 PM

I agree that it will be tremendously unsatisfying---and might, potentially, set your healing back tremendously.

He's not going to tell you the truth.

he meets you at Starbucks on such and such a day and time, OR you'll bring all your proof to his wife and blow the lid off this affair.

I disagree with this type of ultimatum.

Why? Because his wife should be told, no matter what.

jtom posted 12/14/2012 15:12 PM

I called the OM up at his work an tried to get him to meet with me.He was a coward an refused.He was also a liar an denied he was having an affair with my then wife. He also didnt know that I knew he was married an that his wife along with him an my wife all worked at the same place. So guess what ? I told his wife an sat back an watched the circus. An a circus it was. Now that being said, Iam sorry to this day that he didnt man up an meet me. I did take pleasure in showing my then wife what a coward he was and his wife did divorce him. My wife an that clown never got back together. If you feel the need to try an meet the OM, do it.

jtom posted 12/14/2012 15:12 PM

I called the OM up at his work an tried to get him to meet with me.He was a coward an refused.He was also a liar an denied he was having an affair with my then wife. He also didnt know that I knew he was married an that his wife along with him an my wife all worked at the same place. So guess what ? I told his wife an sat back an watched the circus. An a circus it was. Now that being said, Iam sorry to this day that he didnt man up an meet me. I did take pleasure in showing my then wife what a coward he was and his wife did divorce him. My wife an that clown never got back together. If you feel the need to try an meet the OM, do it.

stronger08 posted 12/14/2012 15:25 PM

Well my story reads as follows: I confronted both my XWW and OM together in public. OM was a smug bastard who really did not care that he was fucking my W. Naturally my XWW had demonized and belittled me to the point he thought he was helping her. We got into it and I wound up in jail for 3 days with a year long court battle ahead of me. He in turn got to keep fucking my XWW for another 4 months in my home and in my bed. I found SI and was told to tell his W. I did along with all the evidence I had gathered. A ended the day she got the letter. Not only that, his W made such a stink at their place of employment my XWW was labled the office whore and her career stalled that very instant. I later sent the evidence I had to their HR department as OM was using company e-mail to send lewd and sexually graphic letters to my XWW. He was fired as well. While I was at it I also sent all that shit to the church sponsored little league he coached for. They asked him to resign from that as well. And his priest found out as well. So no more image of good family man was had by OM. Sometimes the power of the pen is mightier than the sword.

heartache101 posted 12/14/2012 15:30 PM

I believe a person to person meeting is not the way to go. Honestly. Leave it be.
I like the pen is mightier then the sword approach by stronger08.
Look cheaters lie.
Stay away from him. Just my opinion. Sorry you are here.

standinghere posted 12/14/2012 18:01 PM

Not a good idea.

Not a healthy idea, because you can't control what happens at that meeting.

He knows your wife was married.

She made him feel like he was the cat's meow.

He was younger and probably vulnerable to this attention.

He probably thinks a lot of things that are not true, like he's so damn sexy she just couldn't help herself and that he's hotter and more virile because of this, all of which he will realize isn't true as he gets older.

You would be talking to an unhealthy person.

If he is married, tell his wife.

If he is not married, you don't bother with him, because he isn't important, really, he just isn't. What is important is your WS's fucked up mindset.

I just found out that my Sister-In-Law, my WS's sister, is having an affair with a married man (they live out of state, long way away), and has been off and on for years, same man.

It makes her feel better, about herself, while she fucks up the world for someone else, and she sees nothing wrong with it.

It made my WS feel better, but she knows better today, and she sees the wrong. My wife hates this shit...and she did it...and she understands why she and all of her sisters cheated on their husbands, she understands why her sister has affairs with married and attached men.

Work on understanding, protect yourself, and don't look for conflict...and especially don't look for true remorse in a person who frankly doesn't know what that is.

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