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Emptyshelldad posted 12/15/2012 01:55 AM

How long are they good for? I mean I haven't had the money but will soon, however this is over a year since dday, 1 1/2 years actually, and over two years since the first contact. I just on asking her a whole slew of questions to check her story, but she is worried she won't remember, and that it will effect the results somehow. Does anyone know if this is true?
Also has anyone done hypnosis? As I have heard this can be more effective than a polygraph since the person will just be telling you the truth with no conscious thought about deceit or consequences. I could even ask her if she would cheat on me again as long as I never found out.
What are your guys thoughts?

Fightingmad posted 12/15/2012 02:42 AM

Its saddening that 18 months out you still feel the need to do this. Has she not shown remorse? Are you in MC/IC? I know my WH lied and passed a lie detector test when applying for police position (scary that it can be done) but for him it was wording his answers so there was some truth to them. I imagine if she truly does not remember that she would not have the anxiety and therefore would not trigger a "false" response. But she may also be so nervous that she will trigger even honest answers. I think you should talk with a counselor and find a more constructive way of getting your answers.

realitybites posted 12/15/2012 07:55 AM

Have you put together a list of questions? Also you can go and interview first a couple of poly experts so see exactly what the proceedure is and what is involved to get a level of comfort.

I would also say are you ready with any deal breakers if she does not pass? What are your most immediate reasons for doing the poly? If it is only to see if she IS telling the truth, then you must be ready for the possibility of the other?

I think a poly is a great idea and I don't think it is too late. Many WS will come on here much later and admit that they did remember many things but just did not want to tell the BS.

Just get prepared and research it would be my advice.

solus sto posted 12/15/2012 11:46 AM

Lie detectors are able to measure physical changes that occur in most people when a lie is being told. Because the truth does not change with time, a lie remains a lie.

A very small percentage of the population---primarily, those with antisocial tendencies (not in the sense we usually think of "antisocial," as in, "doesn't like parties," or "doesn't have lots of friends," but antisocial traits as defined by the criteria for defining antisocial personality disorder; the traits can be present without the person reaching the magnitude of being a sociopath), or strong NPD tendencies, are able to
"fool" the polygraph.

In the hands of a VERY skilled polygrapher, however, questions are rephrased in various ways so that deception is revealed. (This is also how psychiatrists are able to diagnose the disorders; the questions on the tests are rephrased a number of different ways----and differences among responses are significant.)

ANYWAY---though it is a flawed tool, it is a good tool, more often than not giving useful information.

Questions have to be carefully chosen. The polygrapher must be skilled.

If she does not remember an answer, it will not affect the results. If she says she does not remember (but really does), deception will be shown.

As for hypnosis, there's a REAL issue when it comes to getting to the truth: if the person under hypnosis WANTS the truth revealed, because, for example, s/he genuinely cannot remember and wants to know---then, yes---you may get answers.

HOWEVER---and this is very important---if a hypnotic subject does not want to reveal or do something, hypnosis will not elicit anything for which s/he has any resistance.

It's simply NOT a good method for eliciting information your wife is unwilling to give up.

I disagree with Fightingmad--18 months is not very far in (though it seems like an eternity). Rather, I disagree with his wording---that at 18 months you "feel the need" to do this.

That you do not feel confident in your wife's answers is a reflection of HER failure to bolster confidence.

At 18 months, this is not unusual.

Emptyshelldad, your profile says volumes about your pain--but says very little about what happened. Did you stumble across your wife's infidelity? How did she respond when you found out? Was NC established? (Are you sure it has been established?) You say you've asked her a slew of questions---how does she respond? Does she answer them without anger or blameshifting? Are the answers consistent? Does she show remorse, or is she just ticked she got caught?

Has she gone to IC? Have you? Are the two of you ready for MC? (If she's not really remorseful, it's not emotionally safe for the BS to go into MC, IMO.)

I guess my thoughts boil down to this: If you are not getting what you need at 18 months, it's time to examine the situation. Will answers from a polygraph give you what you need? Or do you need something MORE than the truth---like remorse, a feeling that you are safe in your marriage, etc.?

I never got answers from my husband. I never will--and because of this, I ended our marriage.

That said, the answers were only a very small portion of what I needed. Had he been remorseful, intent on repairing our marriage with me, and so on---I might have been willing to accept his glacial pace of response.

As it was, it wasn't just answers he never intended to give me.

What is your wife giving you to work with?

BeenThereDunThat posted 12/15/2012 12:04 PM

If SHE believes she's telling the truth, then the answer shouldn't show as deceptive.

But if she knowingly lies, more than likely, they'll be able to detect deceit.

After almost 2 years, she's probably somewhat skewed her memories or maybe even worked hard to forget them in the past 2 years.

However, if one of your questions pertains to something she's lied to you about for the last 2 years and she KNOWS it's a lie, then she'll show deception.

I don't put much stock in hypnosis because she could too easily fake it and work it in her favor.

Stick with the poly. The funny thing about polys is that A LOT of the time, you get what's called a 'driveway confession.' That's when you're walking out to the car to drive to the polygraph appt. and they know the jig is up. Some start babbling like idiots, rather than face the humiliation of being hooked up to a machine and having a professional tell them they're lying.

Even if you GET a confession, drag her there anyway because cheaters are looking out for ONE thing - that's to save their own hides. She might admit one or two things in the driveway, but you'll still get MORE when you put her in the hot seat. So even if you do get a confession, don't stop there or you'll always be wondering.

Much like you are now, almost 2 years out from D Day.

Emptyshelldad posted 12/16/2012 11:56 AM

I appreciate all the responses so far;
As to why I feel like I need this,
My wife had one of those hidden text messaging programs on her phone and the moment we were having our dday discussion, she immediately deleted them (well the first time she got the phone which was almost 20 hours after the discussion began) she then told him that I knew so not answer any texts from her until further notice. So all I have to back her story is what she's telling me, which she lied and deceived me to a point I think satan is impressed, so I can't ever feel like I'm getting the truth, and that feeling never goes away. Plus I work in north Dakota for 4 to 6 Weeks at a time so I have no idea what she is up to. So the lie detector would at least give me a baseline of whether or not she ever planned on leaving me and taking mygirl (my whole reason for living) armed with the truth, I will be able to decide on an appropriate course of action.

My wife is remorseful, but I think its more about the fact that shemay have torn our family apart than it is about what she did....ie wishes she hasn't been caught and wouldn't have done it......if she knew she was going to get caught.
But my self esteem is as such that I know I'm worth more than her and the treatment she had bestowed upon me. But as a Christian I believe in forgiving, or at least I'm trying to (its hard not to feel as though the lord hath forsaken you when you are brought to bare this pain) but I can't forgive without knowing the extent of what I'm forgiving for. And by the way my forgiveness doesn't mean that I'm staying in the marriage, depending on what I find out.
Does anyone know the general costs of such a test?

hathnofury posted 12/17/2012 08:36 AM

My WH had a poly at 18 months out. At the request of his therapist. With an extremely skilled polygrapher who has done this for law enforcement for decades, and specializes in infidelity and sex offender related poly tests. It was $500 and took several hours.

Solus was spot on. Read that post again. You need to be sure what it is you are trying to find out, what you really need, and if a poly is going to give you that.

And most importantly, you need to know what you will do if the worst case scenario happens and she fails, or otherwise confirms your greatest fear. Plan ahead for that, get your ducks in a row, including all the support you will need to get through it. This is perhaps the most important step if you choose to do a poly, because you will be horrifically compromised to try to figure that all out on the fly should you need to. This I can verify from experience.

Hugs and best of luck to you. I hope you find what you need to have peace and heal.

sj81 posted 12/19/2012 03:41 AM

I had my WH take a lie detector, he passed it then admitted 5 months later that he'd lied and faked it by 'keeping his breathing steady' I used to be convinced by lie detectors, not anymore! I don't think the length of time passed since the A will change the result but if she is anything like my H she may just pass it anyway.
We paid £600 for this test and when I rang to tell her the result was wrong she just brushed me off saying she didn't have the results anymore and this had never happened before.

He is now wanting to try hypnosis but after reading this thread and seeing if he wants to hold something back he can.

Good luck with what you do decide to do

Emptyshelldad posted 2/25/2013 04:30 AM

I'm compiling my list of questions with each passing day my list grows. i am also getting my contingency plans in place should she fail. But i would also pay someone to let me use their time machine so i can go back and stop this all before it starts. let me know if you want to work a deal

stronger08 posted 2/25/2013 05:34 AM

If you really feel that she is still lying and deceiving. Then perhaps the $500.00 would be better spent on an attorney for D. You yourself stated that she is more concerned that she was caught instead of the actual actions she chose. That my friend is not remorse. And until she has remorse for what she actually did R can never work. You certainly can forgive. But that does not guarantee she wont do it again. And the next time around she will be more skilled at hiding things from you. Personally I could not live with that fear.

Emptyshelldad posted 4/25/2013 16:46 PM

I'm getting really close to this now. I just can't live with the not knowing