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beach (original poster member #7533) posted at 5:27 AM on Tuesday, December 18th, 2012
Source "Don't call it Love" by Patrick Carns.
Six capacities are needed for intimacy to exist: Initiative, presense, completion, vulnerability, nurturing, and honesty.
Initiative :
Healthy intimacy - Calls; reach out; risks expression of care; invites others to share activities or problems; express wants and needs; takes responsibility to maintain relationship
Dysfunctional intimacy - Passive; seeks isolation; victim stance (it happens to me); belief in abandonment; seductive to avoid admitting needs or wants. Relies on others to maintain relationship.
Presense :
Healthy intimacy - Emotionally available to others; Listens and attends to others; explicit about reactions; spends time with others; notices what happens with others; accepts attention of others.
Dysfunctional intimacy - Emotionally constricted; shame makes distant and removed; deflects attention as undeserved; fails to notice what happens to others; distracted and nonattentive; evasiveness leaves others wondering who person really is.
Completion :
Healthy intimacy - Builds trust by finishing things; finalizes arrangements with others; acknowledges care and outreach so transactions are finished; works for closure on problems; responsive to other's needs and wants; express appreciation for completed efforts.
Dysfunctional intimacy - Overextention and loose ends provide sense of undependability; closure avoided; issues and problems put off and unresolved; unresponsive to other's needs and wants so they ended up feeling unheard; seldom acknowledges contribution or efforts of others, so they wonder if they had any impact; evasive about responsibilities.
Vulnerability :
Healthy intimacy - Shares process of thinking and feeling; talks about dilemmas; involves others in discussions; allows feedback; reveals self not shared with others; fears and sense of inadequacy available to others.
dysfunctional intimacy - Thinks things through in private; feelings unshared so no one knows decision process; internal dialogues unshared, but relied upon; appears fearless and unshakable because feelings of inadequacy are disguised.
Nurturing :
Healthy intimacy - Cares for others; makes caring statements; empathizes with other's pain; supportive; encouraging; offers suggestions; affirms value of others; does things to help others when it does not diminish them in any way; touches others.
Dysfunctional intimacy - Withdraws from others when they are in need; criticizes their efforts and judges their motives; dismisses or talks others out of intense feelings; removed and untoucheable ; fails to help when needed.
Honesty :
Healthy intimacy - Claims positive and negative feelings; clear about priorities and values; specific about disagreements; provides feedback when asked; admits flaws and mistakes; isfully known to intimates.
dysfunctional intimacy - Significant feelings remain unshared or acknowledged; preference not expressed; vague and manipulative about disagreements; hides flaws and covers mistakes; no one has total truth; relies on third parties to communicate.
If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.
Teach8 ( member #36521) posted at 10:47 PM on Tuesday, December 18th, 2012
Beach...this is wonderful. Thank you for sharing this.
Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R
thankyou1981 ( member #36019) posted at 12:14 AM on Wednesday, December 19th, 2012
Thanks for posting this (I think!).
I can see pieces of myself in pretty much all of the dysfunctional sides there.
On the positive side, I know I can keep working to replace dysfunctional behaviours with healthy ones. Thanks!
Me: WS, 32
Her: BS, 30 (Please1983)
3 boys, 1, 4 and 5
DDay: 20th August 2011
beach (original poster member #7533) posted at 5:05 AM on Wednesday, December 19th, 2012
Teach, Thankyou, Glad it helped.
This was eye opener for me, too.
If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.
scream ( member #36506) posted at 10:47 PM on Wednesday, December 19th, 2012
Thanks for posting this. I am Teach8's WS. I relate to so much of this post. I'm sure she saw me in it when she read. Thanks again it is good see it laid out this way.
inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 4:37 PM on Thursday, December 20th, 2012
thanks for reposting this. I first read it when I was going through false R, and it really helped me see my marriage for what it was - not healthy for either me or now-ex.
There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown
surviving28years ( new member #36638) posted at 9:35 PM on Thursday, December 20th, 2012
Great post...sadly I see my H pre my A in the dysfunctional side. During my A I see myself in the dysfunctional side but was on the healthy side pre A. Interesting thoughts.
BaxtersBFF ( member #26859) posted at 2:14 PM on Sunday, January 20th, 2013
and another...
sosorry5454rl ( member #37637) posted at 7:10 PM on Sunday, January 20th, 2013
Wow what a great post. .. this was quite helpful to read. .. scary but helpful. Thank you
WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2
knightsbff ( member #36853) posted at 1:23 PM on Monday, January 21st, 2013
Thank you.
This one rates printing so I can revisit often.
fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 25, 17, 13. 2 dogs.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
BaxtersBFF ( member #26859) posted at 2:29 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013
Bump
pizzalover ( member #38336) posted at 3:21 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013
Thanks for sharing this.
Trying to rebuild each day
Me - WW 41
Him - BH 41 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09
heforgotme ( member #38391) posted at 3:55 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013
Thanks beach. Printing this out.....
D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry
cheerless ( member #38135) posted at 4:45 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013
This is great. Thank you for posting.
♪I'm not fine; I'm in pain
It's harder every day ~ Maroon 5♫
BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad
pizzalover ( member #38336) posted at 5:36 PM on Sunday, April 7th, 2013
Trying to rebuild each day
Me - WW 41
Him - BH 41 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09
AFrayedKnot ( member #36622) posted at 5:15 PM on Friday, July 19th, 2013
BS 48fWS 44 (SurprisinglyOkay)DsD DSA whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better."Knowing is half the battle"
JustDesserts ( member #39665) posted at 6:52 PM on Friday, July 19th, 2013
A great post. Encouraging: seeing so much of my betrayed wife's core self in the healthy category, and actually much of my healthy self there, too.
Discouraging: knowing how my damaged, lying, cheating self acted out on the dysfunctional side of the tracks. Discouraging in a "wow, pathetic, dude" way.
And scary in a "you really couldn't or wouldn't see yourself as you were?" way...punctuating the grandiose and delusional nature of my "addictive affair".
And, finally, with regard to my xAP...the dysfunctional side is spot 'effing on. Discouraging, again, in how I willingly blinded myself to a core flaw (just one of many) in her wiring.
Really good stuff.
2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 51. Her: BW, 50. Married 20 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.
AFrayedKnot ( member #36622) posted at 4:03 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
BS 48fWS 44 (SurprisinglyOkay)DsD DSA whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better."Knowing is half the battle"
TxsT ( member #39996) posted at 12:47 AM on Thursday, September 5th, 2013
This is a wonderful mirror for all of us to use......not just WS. Us BS's need to be aware of our actions and reactions as well.
T
Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 3:12 PM on Thursday, September 5th, 2013
I am a BS and see plenty of myself in here as well. Shared it with WS -- thanks!
me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.
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