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dear lurkers: hello!

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Darkness Falls posted 1/5/2013 23:13 PM

To WSs who may be lurking,

You had an affair. You may have been caught, or you may have confessed. Or, you may still be holding your secret.

You have a spouse or committed significant other whom you have betrayed. You have found If you stick around, read, and post, then you will most likely be glad you did find us.

Your spouse/significant other might have found SI first. They might want you to join. They might want you to read. They might want you to contribute to the community. Or, you might have found this site on your own. You might be nervous and fearful of sharing your story.

Be assured that you are among friends. Those of us here in the Wayward forum have been where you are. We welcome you and we invite you to join us---to listen, to talk, and to heal. This is a great resource to be challenged and to grow in every way. No one here will lead you astray. Everyone has each others' best interests at heart and will give straight talk combined with compassion. Welcome.



Belle29 posted 1/6/2013 07:54 AM

Thank you for posting this. I had been hoping for my WS to join but she won't. She just lurks and I think you hit the nail on the head in that she is nervous and fearful. Is that not why people avoid? Because they are afraid?

Anyways, I think it was thoughtful for you to open the door to other WS' that have been afraid to post. In my case though it doesn't matter anymore as reconciliation did not happen for us.

She-Ra posted 1/6/2013 13:51 PM

Great post HB. It's hard to imagine the number of lurkers per week that really need the help but afraid to post. I think some people wonder if someone will recognize them IRL. I remember feeling that concern but after a while of posting and reading, you realize it's very safe to share and I let more pieces of my life get revealed.

I wonder if some lurkers are the ones that have hidden affairs that would prefer to rugsweep but the nasty guilt is eating them alive. If I hadnt found SI, I would be in that stat. I would have felt too scared to confess because it seems like the worst thing in the world to do. I thought OMG my H would kill me. I can't tell him!!!!!!

People like me in that boat need the most help and I wish they would step forward and post. The folks on SI are so wonderful WS and BS included. The BS on this site are kept in check when posting in the wayward side. I had some of the best advice from BSs and they found ways to connect with me in a way that I could relate and realize the gravity of my situation. Many BSs on other sites are not respectful. I made one post on another site after my first A, the BSs came charging and wanted to make a skin coat out of me. I shut down and ran away. This site is safe for a WS to learn, feel supported and grow into a better person if they open themselves to it.

So hopefully there are some lurkers out there that make their first post and ask for help. Little do you know it can be the smartest thing you do that day.

July73 posted 1/6/2013 18:09 PM

Hello, thanks for that post as I am one of the lurkers. I am working on getting up the courage to post. I have been lurking for awhile and have learned a lot from reading. So hopefully I will have a post or lots of posts... I still am sure I need some 2x4's and questions. So thanks again.

[This message edited by July73 at 6:17 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]

Skan posted 1/6/2013 18:39 PM

July73, welcome. You are Very much welcome here.

WS or BS, we all want you to get help. We want to help you to help your BS. We want your marriage to not only succeed, but thrive. Be bold. There's a lot of people here who have walked in your shoes and a lot who have walked in your spouse's shoes. If you can lead your spouse here for help as well, wonderful. We'd love to talk to her.

Contratulations for your bravery on making your first post. Keep coming back.

Darkness Falls posted 1/6/2013 19:00 PM

Welcome, July.

July73 posted 1/6/2013 20:39 PM

Thanks for the welcome skan and heartbroken.

Actually my wife got me on to this site, she is a lurker to.
I am telling her to post on here as well, as there are questions she is asking that I can't answer. There are a lot of good people on this sight and as I said before I have learned a lot just from reading alone. This is a great site if we are willing to use the info and insight properly.

finallyfree2011 posted 1/7/2013 11:29 AM

Thanks for the invite - I am a WS and have been lurking for a few weeks now. Was referred to this site by a friend in a similar situation and found some helpful topics here.

Its nice to know I am not alone. Sometimes being the WS really sucks because you are hurting too yet you feel like you don't deserve to have feelings for how badly your hurt the people around here.

It is a long road back - 1 1/2 years for us now. I am so very thankful for my H who decided from the moment he found out that he wanted to R.

Good luck to my fellow WS :)

wtsmm posted 1/9/2013 01:05 AM

Welcome new posters. I have mostly lurked myself, although I have posted a few times myself. I have found this site to be a god send, and an thankful to my BS that shew found this place for us. Right now we are doing pretty good. I sincerely think this site has helped us get here.

I hope that those who have been afraid to post can learn that, despite some of the somewhat harsh things that are said here, they weren't meant as attacks. Long term members have seen the patterns time and again, and are really just trying to help newer posters to get right quicker then they and others have. This community that no one really wants to be a part of, is really the most loving group of people that you can ever hope to find when you find yourself in this situation. We won't lie to you. This is going to be hard. This is going to take a long time. But any time that you feel like you might slip, that you are hurting, that you are confused, there will always be someone here to listen.


sosorry5454rl posted 1/9/2013 21:13 PM

Thank you for this post also. I have lurked a while as well, not sure what to say/post. I will get there though. ....This is helpful. :) my BS posts a lot and has found this site to be quite beneficial. .. thank you S.I.!

RiverDenial posted 1/11/2013 21:07 PM

Nice post. I have mostly lurked, a d made a few posts. Today has been a rough day and I have been feeling completely alone today. Like no one can understand the feelings of guilt, shame, and sorrow. That no one else understands the constant struggle of wether or not I am a good person, or a cold hearted, backstabbing asshole.

Reading this site and the different threads gives me the feeling that I am not alone, and that the people here genuinely care because they have been or are currently there.

If you are lurking, post. It will make you feel better knowing you are among friends. Being a WS is a very lonely place to be. You are welcome here.

Darkness Falls posted 1/14/2013 18:07 PM

Hello and welcome to everyone. I've been very busy at work and didn't have time to get back to this thread, but I wanted to pop in and say hi and thanks to all for's great to have you here (so to speak )

Clarrissa posted 1/14/2013 21:27 PM

I posted in another thread something to the effect that this is what we do here, admins, mods, guides, members. We help each other face our dark sides, fix what is broken. Some are ahead of us on our journey, some are right beside us, some are behind us.

Yes, we can be rough on newer members but it's not out of spite or meanness. The 2x4s we give are to help WSs get back on the path to fixing themselves and to healing. Even at 4 years out, having found my why, I was given a few of these and I'm glad I was. I recognized I was close to the slope, I just didn't (want to?) know how far down I was. After the good people here (both WS and BS) pointed it out I admitted to myself that my "reasons" were bullshit... just like they were before. I started slipping and was pulled back by the people here.

So, any lurkers out there, just know we know how you're feeling. We'll help you find your way back if you're open and honest, especially with yourself. There really is nothing to fear from telling us your story. We've probably heard it or worse.

So, come out and post.

20WrongsVs1 posted 11/23/2013 21:04 PM

Just stumbled upon this old thread and thought it worthy of a bump.

If you're out there, a wayward, reading this but haven't registered yet, I personally encourage you to sign up. And contribute...your voice and, if you're so inclined, eventually a few bucks to help keep this valuable resource running.

Say what you wanna say, let the words fall out. Honestly. I wanna see you be brave!

Clarrissa posted 11/24/2013 15:38 PM

I thought this was a new "Welcome lurkers" thread until I read the replies and saw my own. What I said still stands. This is a great place to begin healing from what we've done, both to our BS and to ourselves.

I "know" one lurker, registered but has yet to post. I invite you again, flowerisland, to post your story. I know it's daunting and a little frightening to put it all out there but it's also very freeing once you do. No more carrying that burden alone.

Thank you for bumping this, hb0903. Hopefully more lurkers will be inspired to post.

Jrazz posted 11/24/2013 15:41 PM

I'm so glad to see this post. We have some amazing FWS's who have stuck around to mentor people through this process. There are also a lot of BS's here who are far enough in their healing to have energy to help a WS discover how to heal themselves and their BS.

Don't be scared to share - remember that you get to take what you need and leave the rest.

finallyfree2011 posted 11/25/2013 10:45 AM

Wow - thanks for all the welcome and support. I was referred to this site by a friend who was also a WS.

I am 2 years out and still learning every day!

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