"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid
I am sorry I don't know much about annulment. My sister was married to a German national and they were actually living in Germany. He wound up being abusive and she got an annulment. This was with a 1 year marriage.
nothing major as far as abuse but I see way too many red flags now in him (didnt want to get a job, he has done drugs a very long time ago, but really hasnt had a stable place to live in or a job for years) and I was unaware of those till i lived with him. (not sure how anyone marries w out living together)
i just dont trust him and this week was my last straw when he said he didnt have to leave and this house and car was his (I owned it for 8 yrs and its just in my name and in my state he would not get anything because of that)
I do not wish to take any of of 16 items he owns LOL. I just wanted to end it and go our own ways. we used to be really good friends, only started dating earlier this yr and he moved to me in August.
hes a caring decent guy but not enough. after all the shit I have gone thru I guess I have higher standards now and when he flipped out the other day and got nasty i just said enough.
i have been under great stress w grandfather dying a couple months ago, a terminally ill father and i had a sinus infection and lingering sickness right after that. he never leaves the house, he gained 20 lbs and looks gross and yet i am working, taking care of house and him. its like another kid.
ok so that turned into a rant. we have a couple small bills to split but under $1000. he shouldnt get anything else, including my rings I feel ... and I want nothing of his cause he has nothing except some cash.
would prefer to not get a lawyer but will if I am more likely to be awarded annullment. otherwise I can file for divorce but its a manditory 4 month wait till court hearing. and he would be wanting to leave the state sooner if I divorce him.
so yes, it sounds like the only reason I want to stay right now is cause of money. well the forgiveness part cant come till I see changes. I have 1 day left to decide if he should get an apartment or not. he starts work next week so he has to set his place up vs living in a hotel. he also has to quickly buy a car as we were a 1 car family to save on money. no need for 2 when only 1 person was working!!
I did tell him that I were to take him bac, he must sign papers stating that he gets no part of my home or vehicle as it was in my name for yrs prior to his existence.
he didnt get the job- supposedly the guy flaked and gave it to someone else. so my H is looking for new jobs as he has unemployment for another month only.
I have found that I am getting a bunch of work tho. so in the upcoming months I will have money of my own. also my ex got a better job and child support should be going up a bit.
in the 3 weeks this happened, my H has tried to talk to me several times, sometimes cornering me and annoying me to no end. then if I refuse to talk he pouts for hrs on end, sometimes sitting in the near dark. its freeky and weird. just tonight i snapped at him and he sat at the counter for 10 minutes w his head looking down. really? whats that going to prove? I just cant trust him, i dont have love. I cant even look at him. hes been back for 2 weeks. I let him come back cause he needed a car to go to school (and now he has his own car finally) when he is gone, life here is wonderful. I feel free. when hes here hes constantly explaining things to me, uses words that drive me crazy (like down south sayings) and I am just annoyed by his overall presence.
he keeps calling me hun and tries to touch me, and I am repulsed. the other day he went in for a outpatient surgery and I gave him some lidocaine cream and he refused to use it saying how I probably wish he just suffered and he threw a fit. it was again me seeing him being untrustworthy and something I despise.
why cant he just get a job? why does he have to be so technical when he talks? if he gets dinner, he acts like he should be offered a metal. its just so so ugh. hes constantly on his phone, takes my laptop all the time now and right in my personal space every second of the day. he sits in the living room all day it seems and thats where my kids play. go get a job! friends, something!!
I write in a journal all the time, and I think w all the bad in my life, his outraged fit has me to where I have no umph to ever try again. I put all our pictures away, my rings have been off since that day he flipped out.
I try to picture life w out him here and the only thing I can see that would be sad is my little daughter would miss him. i cant see how hes adding to my life or making it any better at this point. i just feel like hes mainly a freeloader who pays rent. thats it (only bill he pays)
I think I am done. I let things sit and stir in my head, watching him to make a difference but no change really. he just seems to have more words and less of a future. hes 38. 38! no job, no plan. i feel like hes another kid and mouth to feed. he sleeps on the couch. I have told him all this. and yes i told him I am pretty much done, i dont trust him or feel love. he says he just doesnt understand and says its my fault, which then enrages me cause IM working, and taking care of my kids, and paying nearly all the bills.
now to file for annullment or divorce. there is a 4 month wait for divorce here :(
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 7:47 PM, January 26th (Saturday)]
He was in Las Vegas, though. Which explains quite a lot.
[This message edited by Fireball72 at 7:33 PM, January 26th (Saturday)]
Stop enabling him, (car, place to live, laptop, etc) and kick him to the curb. Red flags are flying high with this guy!!! It sounds like you just took on another dependent, not a self-supporting man.
Under the circumstances, maybe an annullment would be the best route. I'd get some legal advice first thing Monday morning.
Most importantly, get it done - fast - and get him out. You're not his mommy, and he needs to take care of himself. As in NOW.
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
yep, I'm dumb. I will blame myself more later. right now, I just need to deal with getting on.
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 8:22 PM, January 26th (Saturday)]
As long as you learned something from this, it's not a total loss!
One of the things I learned was to trust my gut and call an end to things immediately when I saw those red flags coming out.
Do what your gut is screaming at you to get done....K?
i know what I need to do. I just have to now. (and I needed to hear I wanst being to hasty) i wrote him a letter, just have to send it. hopefully he wont flip and cause some scene. i will give him a bit of time to move out but not too long. I really NEED my space again to be healthy.
hes already said he wants to be done too but hes playing bluff w me cause I always say ok then, go. and... he stays. hes trying somewhat but its way too late.
thank you for all your words. I appreciate it.
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 8:58 PM, January 26th (Saturday)]
Im just angry today. I gotta get out of this. he's just dragging me down and he doesnt understand responsibility. even after I got cheated on by my last ex, I took care of everything. i dont know what relying on someone else is about and clearly I cannot rely on my current man either.
so not a score here.
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 10:20 AM, January 27th (Sunday)]
What makes you think an annullment will be quicker than a D? You could be wrong about this. Call several attorneys tomorrow.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
today is really the 1st time I went to him to talk because of the email. I have been 180'ing him. he has not cheated. he is just clueless as to when to take responsibility for his own wrong doings.
we got in a tiff, he said more that i knew he would- i said thats why i am not in with you. when you care for someone you dont throw in their face all their issues, plus I am well aware of my faults. thats not what caused you to not work, get in school sooner or call the police the other day!
i said, i already knew i was done but this email you sent finalizes it. he just wants his wedding ring. I say i swear i dont know where it is and I have no use for it.
he says, (I swear to upset me) i guess I will take them dog w me then. i bought him a dog in Sept and he didnt want it. he wanted a different huge dog he has made me aware of even until yesterday but today he wants this dog. I have paid for its food, toys, etc. he has walked the dog 7 times since sept. thats it. yet he wants to take it cause he knows I love the dog. uh. it just doesnt stop. he blamed me for making him buy the car he just got to take him to school. what?! i wouldnt have bought the car and would have taken a flight somewhere to live. ok, thats my fault sure. blame it on me. so I am just agreeing to everything.
he's in school right now, I said maybe you should finish something in life and get your school done vs running off to your so called "nothing."
he left now. said hes giving me some space for a couple hrs. good. i bet he thinks I will change my mind tho.
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 10:33 AM, January 27th (Sunday)]
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 10:36 AM, January 27th (Sunday)]
police say I cannot. since we are married, this is his home. so until he establishes a place, I cannot change locks or anything.
that also entitled him to my car, money and everything in the house.
Maybe this was his intention from the outset, he had nothing and thought he'd help himself to what is yours. If he has a quickie marriage and a faster divorce, it might be a win/win for him.
The damage done to you in the process wouldn't factor in it at all.
From everything you've posted, you want out, now, today, your self-protection filter wasn't working when you married this guy, but you can get out of this.
Annulment, or divorce, which ever applies, just get it done. Don't spend another moment conducting any kind of relationship with him, that outburst of anger might just be the tip of the iceberg, unfortunately, you never really know a person or what they're capable of.
Get some legal advice, today... protect yourself, find the name of a good lawyer and make an appointment, you'll need to even just to find out if annulment is the right way to proceed.
As for his car... he chose to buy it, his car, his problem. His course... again, his problem.
Separate yourself from this guy as fast as you can. Hugs honey.
we have fought all day cause the kids were not home, and hes been in my face (even tho I have a wicked cold and trying to rest) were been fighting and yelling.
what it came down to was me saying if you got a job 4 months ago, would we be here today? no answer. and that WAS THE ANSWER.
I tried to get as much off my chest as he needed to hear and to explain why I am where I am. yet, hes blaming and clueless. even tho he says he wants to make it work he continues to put his foot in his mouth. how I dont care about him, never did, I ddnt love him as much, that we took vows...
since when does taking vows mean you stand by someone who has no ambition or follow thru in life? who stays w a person who person who plays video games often, gets chubby, depressed and cant get out of the house and blames it on me that he did those things? you did all that yourself buddy. I have a life. I get out, I love my job and go work out. i play w the dog outside, etc. while you lost yourself, I moved on being me and pulling away. I used to talk to him nightly about my issues with him/us, my concerns and the way I would react if he continued w his "lifestyle." I did exactly as I said I would. I lost love and grew resentment. it was like a switch. all the good I recalled was replaced by bad.
the odd thing is i havent cried once about any of this. I just feel strong and level headed. calm most of the time. perhaps its cause I have weathered thru similar storms far too many times? in that case it feels sad to know I am USED TO THIS enough to no longer feel pain and just know when to pull my hand away from the stove :(
i hate to say another relationship failed, but i wont do what I did with my ex cheating hubby, i stayed too long only cause I was sad to say another marriage ended. I did it to save face. never again.
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 9:51 PM, January 27th (Sunday)]
this scares me the most and perhaps why I was so quick to want an annullment. i know that if I loved someone I would not have done half of what he pulled to "get me back to love him." he only drove me further away
update: I have retreated to my room tonight and he has come knocking on my door or walked in now 3 times even tho I have politely said no, go away. Its freeking me out. hes stalking me at this point. always in my space. i let a friend know that it concerns me.
gosh I dont even know where to start w a divorce lawyer. I will just call and get the 1st I can get in for a consult I guess. i have appts all week for kids and work too. sigh.
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 11:43 PM, January 27th (Sunday)]
it seems everytime he comes to me to talk he expects me to take him back or he wants me to say something different. he think me saying I want to just end this is a threat when I am not, I am in truth wanting that, then I step away and basically do NC while in the home. hes saying since I still expect him to shovel the snow and clean up, that I am putting him in a husband roll. i say you should still do your part if I am nice enough to allow you to sleep here. hes been on the couch a month. we have not had a date or much alone time on purpose but he constantly asks me to go out.
because I know all about his past and now I see he either cant get a job or isnt qualified, i just think what can you provide for us? if he had gotten a job right when he got here none of this would be happening BUT yes we would still have issues to deal with. I just got fed up. I talk and went to him many many times. but now that I am "crazy and insane" cause I bitched, and now I refuse to talk and walk away... I just put up a wall and bottled since what I was doing was not working. we keep beating a dead tree. yes, he is looking for work constantly now, yes hes in school now... but the strain is there. every single time he doesnt get what he wants, he seems to throw my bad in my face (which im aware i have too) he seems to threaten or say this in front of my kids.
hell he called the police cause we fought and he thought telling them i was crazy would help. (3 weeks ago) they even questioned if I was on meds. I said sir, I am as calm as can be. he is the one with the record and on depression meds.
recently he went in my phone and deleted 800 messages I saved from us. he deleted some other stuff and he hacked into my fb aact and email. i have nothing to hide so I never locked any of this. but I am still mad. im more ticked he decided to delete things I really wanted saved. everybody heals/grieves differently and if this ends soon, I will have wanted those texts to use as putting the pieces together. even all my pictures of kids are gone :(
hes saying he will move back 1200 miles to his home. but he needs me to pay for it. I said if you had so many great friends there that you left for me, they will help you. the money I have here, and a bit of debt is ours. the little money I make is to pay that debt off.
the only thing that changed since the last time I wrote here is that i am now feeling emotion. seeing his clothing all packed, and him deleting my phone triggered rage and pain. trying to talk to him in circles and him always putting it back to blame on me, makes me feel hopeless and cornered... so I naturally want to flee and just stop it all.
we have 3 hrs of alone time today and i have no clue what will be said or done. but he will try to talk, he will ask me again what I want and he will then get mean. how can this ever be a win situation? i dont understand how if he says he loves me and wants to make this work, how he can threaten me to air out secrets or talk to my ex's or what have you. it seems so childish to get his way.