There is a history of depression, bipolar, and NPD in my family but until recently, I never struggled with any of these problems. However, prior to getting married, I went through several hypomanic phases where I wasn't sleeping, eating or doing anything except thinking about sex. I am pretty sure that this is where I've been for the past few months as I repeatedly trampled my marriage vows.
Does anyone have experience with hypomania and infidelity? What is the best way to deal with it? I need to find a path forward to clean up the mess I've made. Is coming clean with my BH the only option?
Welcome to SI. You will be able to get a lot of support here.
Im not familiar with hypomania per se, but I can relate to repeatedly trampling over my marriage vows in a short period of time. I went on what I've called an affair bender. Multiple men in 6 weeks. Seriously.. It was ridiculous.
I came to SI about 2 days fresh out of my last A. My BH had NO CLUE what I was up to. I wasn't sure if I should confess or keep a secret. I learned a lot of lessons here and created a post that I just bumped for you: Affair confessions - everything to learn in 1 post.
Find an IC immediately. Talk to out loud to someone who can help you. Weigh out pros and cons of confessing or not. It took me several weeks to decide to confess. It was the hardest thing I had done but has resulted in being very rewarding in healing myself and our marriage.
Please spend some time here on this website. You might get some harsh advice but the mods will keep everyone respectful. If you want to move forward and clean up your mess, it will take a lot of work and soul searching.
I wish you the best. Thanks for joining us here.
Coming clean with your BH is essential IMHO. I truly believed confessing would be the certain end of my marriage. I did not believe my BH could handle the true horror I had brought into our M. But I knew I HAD to tell for me to be able to become a person I could learn to love. And my H deserved to know what was happening in his M so he could make his own decisions about how he wanted to deal with it. I can see now that I had already hurt him and my M. He knew something was wrong. He just didn't know the source of the pain so he had no power yet to decide what he wanted to do about it.
I had to get myself to a place where I knew I had to tell him no matter what happened. I accepted (and expected) that he could kick me out, tell all of our family and friends, divorce me, and battle me for our kids. I had to let go of that accept that his responses were and are beyond my control and decide that I was going to do the right thing from there forward to the best of my ability no matter what the outcome.
My BH surprised me and gave me the gift of trying R. We are both all in and I'm beyond thankful every day. This is really really hard but in spite of all the hurt, anger, sadness, and anxiety I never knew that we were capable of M like this. We really communicate now. About everything. I don't have to hide things even if they are hard to talk about.
This is so worth it. Not the A, but the R. Hardest thing I have ever done but we are doing it and we both know we will make it. Sometime one of us gets discouraged but the other has always been there to pick up, dust off and say, "we are doing this, dammit!" BH hates me some every day I think, but he is so much more than I ever gave him credit for. Even when he is hating me he still insists that we will make it through this as long as I'm doing my part, which is being all in, all the time.
About the hypomania. See a PDoc. I'm sending you a PM.
I read this to BH and he said, "you didn't say how much I love you in there. We could be doing this for the kids or some other reason by the way you wrote it."
We both LOVE each other and we are determined to get through this and be deliriously happy at least some of the time, generally happy most of the time, and at least stable, faithful, and honest the rest of the time.
[This message edited by knightsbff at 12:58 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
So I am struggling with whether it is worth it to me to come clean in the hope of starting the hard work of getting to a better place. I may simply D.
I have actually never been on meds, and I am worried that starting them would send me into another tailspin. If I were going to go that route, I would definitely tell H first so that he could keep a closer eye on me. In the meantime, the journal is a very good idea.
Both have had hypomania.
Neither of them have had problems with sexually addictive behaviours - although drug addiction has played a serious part in my son's background.
A psychiatrist should be your first port of call. Most of the mood balancing drugs have few side-effects and they work! The dosage has to be tailored specifically for you. Once you have managed with the medication, then you can have in depth IC to deal with the consequential symptoms of hypersexuality.
All the best. Hope that you manage to find peace among the depression. It's the worst.
Have actually been diagnosed or are you thinking its a possibility? If you haven't had an official diagnosis I would urge you to do that first. That was so helpful for my FWH.
Second, I know medication is scary at times, however with bpd, it really is the only way to manage it along with therapy. It's imperative.
Medication and therapy have been life changing for my FWH. His moods are manageable. He does not have manic phases like he did before. His hypersexuality is very much under control.
One of my non-negotiables for our reconciliation is that he must be compliant with his meds. Bipolar is a progressive disorder. It's something he will always need to treat. Therapy is also non-negotiable.
As a betrayed spouse, yes I needed to know everything about his affairs. I encourage you to come clean to your spouse. And please please don't lie and drag out the truth. The lies were so much harder to deal with.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Before you cut and run from your M, I would suggest you take a hard look at the unhappy part of your M. A typical subject in the WS handbook is to re-write the marital history, which often includes the phrase "unhappy marriage". Sometimes it's true, other times it is the summing up of the M by the WS in such a way as to be the WS's reason for cheating. So are statements like "may very well have included As on his part". Again, sometimes that is true, but it is usually a tactic used by the WS to try to blame someone else for the A.
On to the subject of hypomania, even if you do have that, which you may not have it at all, during the normal times, what would have been preventing you from realizing that having sex with anyone besides your BH would be okay? Somewhere along the way, you knew what you were doing, and rather than fixing that problem, you did it anyway. So, is your choice to sleep with other people really the direct result of an unhappy M, the "possibility" that your BH may also have had A's, and the hypomaia? And, is it really best to just D your BH and move on when you have had no openness with your BH about what you've done?
The most likely outcome of you D-ing without telling your BH is that you will do it again. It's amazing how shining the light on something is the best way to fixing it.
He says he feels like he is starting to awake from a dream. He is moody and irritable. I imagine he also misses the mistress. Any advice and help is appreciated.