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Kids Bday party-Suck it and allow Dbag to come?

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FlySomeday posted 1/12/2013 15:23 PM

Ok, so my son's birthday is coming up. Bowling. He is turning 7. He hasn't asked yet, but figure he will ask if Daddy can come. Mind you, he has NOT paid child support this month which really puts me in a bad place right now. He lives with OW and in past they threw him his own bday party. No one in my friend or family pool wants to see him. They make them sick. So, I say no effing way. But then there is my son. Wanting to share something with mom and dad. Something special, like his birthday. I personally will be physically sick if he has to come. So, no joy in this for me at all. I did tell him that we would both come to his award ceremony at school coming. That I can handle. But Birthday Party?? Not feeling it. How did you all handle these situations??

LadyQ posted 1/12/2013 15:29 PM

I have invited x to kids bday parties. It's about the kids, not me or him. I even go to his sister's for holidays (she hosts all the big holidays) for my kids. I can swallow my feelings for a little bit for my kiddos sakes.

reclaimingmyself posted 1/12/2013 15:36 PM

We have separate parties for kids things. I don't care if it makes me immature or not able to suck it up for the kids but I'm not changing my mind on this.

My kids are just fine with having two celebrations the occasional time the ex has actually done anything for them and they have expressed their desire not to mix celebrations. It would be extremely uncomfortable for all of us but mostly their dad - our friends and family don't particularly care for his company.

Not sure if that helps at all - every family deals with it differently.

Nature_Girl posted 1/12/2013 15:44 PM

I think it's okay for a parent to put their own emotional well-being in first place sometimes.

Sad in AZ posted 1/12/2013 15:49 PM

I say no, don't mention it to your DS and if he brings it up, just say, "Why don't you ask Daddy to celebrate with you when you go there."

Mousse242 posted 1/12/2013 15:51 PM

I'm with Nature Girl. I'm of the school that you shouldn't feed kids any kind of hope or illusion of having their parents back together again. I get that it may be difficult for your kid but when it comes at the expense of making everyone else in attendance uncomfortable, don't even entertain the thought.

FlySomeday posted 1/12/2013 17:40 PM

Thank you all. It is decided. Fuck Wad won't be coming. Good suggestions on how to handle the ??. Love you guys. Sometimes, you just don't know what to do!


ruinedandbroken posted 1/12/2013 17:41 PM

I think it's okay for a parent to put their own emotional well-being in first place sometimes.


Having him at our celebrations would make things horribly uncomfortable for everyone involved. Being emotionally stressed is not in my kids best interest.

I don't invite him to anything. I don't know what he does for them at his place and I really don't care.

Nature_Girl posted 1/12/2013 18:42 PM

I haven't let my kids have any expectations that there would be joint functions. When the separation happened the break was very clean.

Having said that, if you haven't yet begun to gently educate your Big Boy about the reality of divorce, this would be a great time to start. He certainly has the right to ask about Daddy, but he is also old enough to remember that Mommy & Daddy aren't together any longer. He can remember Daddy has had celebrations on his own. That is how things will be from now on - separate celebrations. My kids already see it as a bonus. Two parties! Two opportunities for presents!

PurpleRose posted 1/12/2013 20:20 PM

ha.. my kids really DON'T want me in the same parking lot with stbx right now. They hate how he talks to me and treats me like shit, so I guess this is not a worry I will deal with.

But, it would be a no from me anyway. We are NOT married anymore, and to have the amount of tension in the room that is created when the two of us are together - well that would certainly kill the "party atmosphere" we would be attempting to create, now wouldn't it?


ChoosingHope posted 1/12/2013 21:08 PM

I'm a little bit on the fence. A lot of "amicably" divorced parents do manage to both attend their children's birthday parties. I'm pretty sure that any therapist or any divorce book would say that it's better for the children if their parents can be civil for a couple of hours. The studies have proven this over and over again.

Then I think of the details of your divorce, Fly. And mine. And that sort of changes everything. I also think that if your friends know these details, then having your STBX there will be very uncomfortable for them. And it will put you under terrible stress. And you need to take care of yourself first so that you are in good shape to take care of your kids.

Anyhow, it looks like you've made your decision - good for you. I completely understand how you feel and empathize with you. I hope your son has a GREAT party.

Heal&Deal posted 1/12/2013 22:10 PM

It is one of the only bonuses to having divorced parents: you get two birthday parties. Santa, Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy come to two houses for you. You get two bedrooms. Yeah, it is not what we planned, but who is to say that there aren't at least a couple of better points for the kids in this whole deal.

Sell it to kiddo if he brings it up. There really are optimistic ways to look at it. Teach him that.

I can't imagine a child psychologist suggesting that it is better to have animosity amongst guests and the chance of an altercation at a child's birthday party than to simply have separate celebrations.

That said, for those who do it together and everybody gets along and costs can be split, hey, great, go for it.

And a point...if DS does not bring it up, and you intend to keep the parties separate, it is probably good to make sure DS is aware, so that his expectations of who will be at his parties will be met.

[This message edited by Heal&Deal at 10:10 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]

stillstrong posted 1/12/2013 22:56 PM

It is one of the only bonuses to having divorced parents: you get two birthday parties. Santa, Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy come to two houses for you. You get two bedrooms. Yeah, it is not what we planned, but who is to say that there aren't at least a couple of better points for the kids in this whole deal.

This went a long way towards helping my kids handle their first Christmas.
If it will make you physically ill to have your ex there, don't. Kids pick up on their parents' emotions, and I'm of the opinion that it will cast a shadow over his day. Moreso than if he has to wait for a different party to be with dad.

FlySomeday posted 1/12/2013 23:14 PM

I'd love to be one of those couples who has the "amicable" divorces and remain friends with their douche bag X, but right now, after the hell he has put me, my friends, and family through, He is not coming! Thank you for some of ideas about how to talk about this with him. Great stuff. BTW- I received child support today in the mail. Super late...but at least it arrived and now I have to cancel the Show Cause hearing. Never a dull monotonous week for the divorcing.

Griefstricken25 posted 1/12/2013 23:26 PM

I wouldn't. You throw your party and he can throw his, if he chooses. Most kids, if it's presented in a positive, neutral way, will accept two parties. Many would LOVE two parties.

I think it's okay to tell kids that a divorce means Mummy and Daddy don't hang out together anymore. Obviously school events are a different story, but you do not need to spend "family days" together and it's okay for kids to know that and get used to it.

npain posted 1/14/2013 12:42 PM

I wouldn't. Not if all of your guests would be uncomfortable. I will be doing seperate celebrations for my kids this year and going forward. I can't even consider having anything with him there because most of my family will not come--my sister hasn't come to a party now for my kids in 2 years becuase of him.

And especially if he is not paying child support.

LS_Betrayed posted 1/14/2013 13:07 PM

The kids adjust quickly

Mine said the other day, the cool thing about divorces parents is TWO sets of Xmas gifts.

Then my SOs kid says to him - Why couldn't your divorce be normal where the parents try to BUY our love??

veritas posted 1/14/2013 13:17 PM

The ex asks to come to every celebration because he's lazy. He gave the cat PTSD when he came over for Christmas. The first year of separation, we went to Chuck E. Cheese, and while I was trying to hold the fort down at the table, our (disabled) daughter was wandering around no coins/tokens/games because Father of the Year had decided to feed another kid's machine to "get rid of" our daughter's tokens. And of course, other kid came complete with Single Mother.

2nd year of separation, he left with half the cupcakes.

Last year, I just took the girl to Chuck E. Cheese on a random day. The weekend around her birthday, he called and asked her if Mommy did a birthday party for her It was one of the few times I had him on speakerphone (because she said her hand was tired), so I know he was fishing to see if I had a party without him. I will give her a party this year, but if he invites himself and gets stupid, I will not hesitate to call him on it.

*pig fucker*

[This message edited by veritas at 3:14 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

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