"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Ibrokehisheart posted 1/17/2013 20:56 PM

Out of anger and frustration, I made a decision that would change the course of life as I knew it. My H and I have been together for over 14 years and married for almost 12. We have two boys 9/6 and we have lost two boys as well.

Our marriage has been up down over the years with more lows than highs. All with in the first year of our marriage, our son was born premature and then died 9 months later, the week after celebrate our first anniversary. I don't know how we made it after being at each others throats all the time. Things got a little better after the birth of our second son also born premature but survived. We found out we expecting again a set of twins 6 months after his birth. In June, we lost the first twin and I came very close to dieing during that process. We though everything was going to be ok but in september we lost our third son a month before our second son's first birthday and two /three weeks before my H and my birthday. We pretty much were done with having kids and were told we would need assists with get pregnant after the complications with my last pregnancy.

But it seem my body didnt know that and two months shy of the anniversary of the death of our third child I found myself pregnant again. This pregnancy put alot of stress on our marriage. I was on bedrest from the second week of november until the third week of janurary when I delivered our last son at 31 weeks. I knew he understood that but was frustated because he could not have sex during that time. It was hard just being around each other. Things got better for awhile but then we start to argue all the time. I felt so unapperciated by my H. I made some bad financial decisions that cost us several things. One day, he went to far and choked me in our kitchen just because he wanted me to stop talking. I could believe that he had done that. He said sorry and tried to do everything to make it right. From that day on I saw him in a different light. As time went by I started to re-evaluate how I was feeling about my marriage. I talked to him many times about how unhappy I was with how things were. It always went in one ear and out the other.

We started having car trouble which caused us more stress. We are car pooled and that would have been ok but he left out @ 4:15am everyday and kids had to be dropped at 4:30 I would get to work at 5:30 and I didn't start until 7. This went on for 4 months. The OM offered to help take the wait off the both of us and the kids since he went in later than my H did and my job was online 5 mins from theirs. We had been friends for almost the same time my husband and I have been together. He was also married and had children but not happy in his marriage.

One day(nov 2011)my H and I got into a huge argument, I went to the OM's house because I was comfortable talking to him. I didn't expect anything to happen but he kissed me and one thing led to another and had done the unthinkable. What should have never happen but only been a one time thing lasted six months. I fell hard for the OM. During the A, I asked my H for a separation but I felt bad for him so I didnt leave and didn't stop the A either. The guy I was with gave me everything that I was looking for and more when it came to the sex. Out of the blue one day he texted me and says that his W knew my jaw hit the floor. His W is kin to my H so it was all around bad. He said his W didnt want the information to be out there so she was not going to say anything. I told him I needed to tell him because it was not fair that he be kept in the dark. When I told him that I had an affair and who it was with he flipped out which I expected. But he was so crushed by what happened he missed work and wouldnt eat.

The OM I had the A with lied to cover his ass and made it look like I did everything. I was beyond pissed so I laid it all out there about what happened between us guarding my H for some details that didnt need to be told bc it would have damaged him. The OM and W started telling my H a bunch of stuff that was not true and he didnt know what to believe. He made a choice to stop listening to them. During all of this my H lost his job and we lost our home. I didnt contact the OM in anyway after it came out.

In Sept, the OM sends me an email saying he was sorry for how he handled everything and admitted that he had not told the truth about everything. I started not to respond but I never got to comfront him so use that opportunity to do it. He sent another updating me on his kids because our children were so close I responded and he sent another telling he was leaving his wife. I didnt respond.

The stuff hit the fan when my H went through my phone and saw the email. He was beyond mad with good reason bc I should not have been talking to him but I was so hurt by him going through my phone I felt so violated. He spoke with the OM for the first time in months and asked him not to contact me anymore if we were going to have a chance to rebuid our marriage. There has been no more contact but my H last month broken into my facebook and email accounts and found an old email that I didnt know was there and went off again. I told him that he was wrong because I dont go through his stuff and I wasnt hiding anything if he had asked I would have let him see the accounts.

Right now there is a small amount of trust between us. We had problems before the A. I miss the sex from my A but I not take any chance on messing things up with my H. He asked me to install a GPS on my cell and i did it just so he could see where I was the problem is that it is not always right and has me somewhere else and causes trouble. He would always make comments about my A or throw it back at me whenever he could that has calmed down some now.

In Nov, the OM contacted me because he wanted to reconnect with my H. I'm so going out of my mind I told him that my H just forgave me for all that happened and whatever he had to say I hope he didn't destroy it. He said it was nothing to do with me just wanted to make things right between them. I called my H to tell him what happened so I was not hiding anything and to ask if I could give him the number to contact him. He said yes so I did and I forwarded the messages to my H so that he knew what was said. He thanked me for doing so and being honest. He asked what I was scared of I told him had nothing else that he didn't already know but I had no idea what the OM would tell him so yes I was scared. I told him that I loved him more than I ever had which is true and losing him would hurt to the core. I also asked if he would search for more info he said he did not know. This lead me to believe that it is possible that he hadn't forgiven me. I didn't know what to think or do at that point.

We have moved into our new place and I have feeling things may get worse for us but I'm hoping for the best. I feel so bad for the hell that my H is going through after what I did to him. I thought that we where doing better in our marriage but we are having some set backs. We recently moved from our home which is a good thing because there were to many bad memories. We though that this move would be good for us but all we have done is argue since we have been here. I am holding hope that we will be able to make it through this ordeal but I am more unsure now than an thing. He said he forgave me and even went as far as to say he wanted to want to renew our vows but I got upset about him yelling at me about every small thing that now he doesn't know if he wants to stay with he. I want to stay with him and I love him but I can not keep doing the back and forward with him.

I know that this is all my fault but if he wants to work on this marriage then he has to do so. I want my marriage. He still has so much hate in him for me and I completely understand all of it. He keeps asking me what I want and I told him that I want our marriage and have been showing him that I will do anything that fight for it but I feel that he is may be done with it but does know how to let go. After the argument 2 months ago, I am not sure were my marriage stands. He asks me questions that only can answer and tells me that he doesn't like the answer he get because it means a life apart. We sat down and had a long talk this week about our marriage. Things are still in limbo because he told me that everything I am working so hard to make better may not be enough. He was cold about it he was for once really letting me inside. I will keep work on myself and us to see where we go from here.

[This message edited by Ibrokehisheart at 2:27 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

cinnamongurl posted 1/17/2013 22:32 PM

First off, welcome IBHH.

Second, about the physical abuse, are you safe? Do you have a safe place to go, some supports set up should he hurt you again? It's never OK for him to put your life in danger, and as time goes on, he may feel angry and resentful and take it out on you again! Please keep yourself and your children safe!

Third, my deepest condolences to you for your immense losses! Have you been to grief counselling? I can't* imagine having to deal with so much loss! ((((((((((IBHH))))))))))

And now I'm going to be a little tough here. The defensiveness you display about your H having access to your phone, email, and fb is not OK. You made a decision to lie and to cheat, now's the time to own up to it and become fully transparent. Your life needs to be an open book. You need to come clean about EVERYTHING. He has no reason to trust you, and you need to let him know you have nothing to hide. You also MUST go fully NC with OM... no more texts, no more phone calls, no contact at all!!

You need to own the fact that you made the decision to cheat, so make no excuses or justifications for that behavior. It was your choice, and though blame for the problems in your marriage may be split 50/50, your infidelity was 100% on you, and needs to be dealt with first, I reccomend finding an IC to help you sort out your issues, dig deep inside yourself, and find out why you strayed in the first place. Its going to be a long road filled with a roller coaster of emotions and feelings, but if you are truly remorseful, you will work really hard to heal yourself so that you can begin the road to healing your marriage. I'm very sorry you're here, but this is the right place to be. You will find a lot of support and amazing advice here. Everyone here has been through it, so they know what you're going through. Keep on posting and reading. And good luck to you!

Ibrokehisheart posted 1/18/2013 09:56 AM

Thank you for responding. I do have a safe place should that situation even gets close to happening again. I'm sorry that my post doesn't relay this but I do take full responsiblity for the choice I made. I am going to IC. I don't have any contact with the OM in anyway. The situation is hard bc the affair was with my BIL. That has cause a lot of problems in the family. I am keeping hope and know things will be hard. We talked the other day and he said that he felt somethings were pointless. I told him that if he felt that way then we are in more trouble then we thought. He said that he wants the love and passion that I gave the OM. I don't know how to do that. I told him and it is true that I love him more now than anything. He keeps telling me that he wants what I gave the OM. At a loss.

knightsbff posted 1/18/2013 13:27 PM

IBHH,

I too am sorry you have a need to be here but welcome. I'm very sorry for your and your BH's losses.

SI will be a great help to you as you work on healing and finding and fixing the broken bits in yourself.

A helpful hint, try to use paragraph breaks throughout your posts. It makes it much easier to read and people will have an easier time understanding and offering help/support. If you want to edit your post there is a button at the top right of the post window.

Physical assault is never ever ok. I would strongly recommend IC for both you and your BH as not only because of all you have both been through but also with DV in the picture the stakes are both of your lives could be at risk.

All DV is SERIOUS, but choking... What is the next step if he loses control again? Your kid could lose both mommy and daddy. Please, please get help now. Even if this has only happened once for both of you and your kids safety get help.

You and your BH need lots of healing. The sequence of events you described breaks my heart for you. Could you each take some time to work with an IC to sort things out and clear your heads before you make any decisions re your M?

When did your A end? May 2012? How long have you been NC? What are your feelings right now re your AP?

Read through the healing library. And read the articles here in wayward forum I will or other more savvy members will bump for you.

CG is right. You need to get rid of the defensiveness. I have heard on here the only privacy a wayward is entitled too is in the bathroom. Let him snoop and spy as much as he wants and be happy for it. A BS who doesn't care to snoop may well be done with the M IMO.

Ask him what he needs from you to R and do it.

Accepting abuse of any kind can not be part of R though. It will not lead to a healthy relationship. Part of your recovery will be learning to love yourself again. This part will be as important for your M as it is for you. Start by making sure you are safe and not tolerating abuse of any kind.

Keep reading and posting. People here have helped me more than anything so far.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 1:30 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

Ibrokehisheart posted 1/18/2013 14:35 PM

I have things in place if something does go wrong. I remembered the signs from before. I have had NC with the OM since the email was sent in Nov the last time we spoken in any length was Sept.

My H and I are still together. I go to IC but he refuses.

[This message edited by Ibrokehisheart at 2:40 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

knightsbff posted 1/18/2013 22:37 PM

IBHH,
You did the right thing in confessing your A to your BH when you did. Reading around here has taught me that a full and accurate confession really helps the BS.

But to me it seems you and your BH rugswept after your confession. I think that's why you are seeing this:

He still has so much hate in him for me

We had problems before the A.

We all had problem before the A. You have to put those on the back burner now. You can't work on the pre-A problems while you are trying to recover from an A. This drove me crazy at first because I didn't see how we could recover from the A while hobbled by pre-A problems. Concentrate on A recovery. Pre-A problems must be addressed in their turn.

Work on communication. Don't be defensive.

If you want to save your M get on the rollercoaster and strap in. You will be "going back and forth" for a looooong ride.

You've come to the right place for help though.

Read up and get to work. ((((((ibrokehisheart))))))

hatefulnow posted 6/4/2013 03:08 AM

Something you said struck a cord with me. It was about your husband wanting the love and passion you gave to OM.

One problem we BS have with the relationships our WS have with the OP is the level of priority given to the OP in the WS life. For me and my FWW, and I've noticed this with other couples, is that even though I'm her HUSBAND, I was always put on a back burner to everything else going on. If I needed/wanted something she would allow everything else to come first: her mom, sisters, the kids, her church, her job, her friends, activities, etc. However, when it came to OP, she would always manage to squeeze him in. She would allow nothing to get in the way of them getting together. She wouldn't allow life to get in the way.

In the beginning I was very hard on FWW. She was really going out of her way for me, but I wasn't buying it. I felt she was just covering her ass and I was right. She admitted it. However there came a point when it was not about manipulation, but sincerity. She started really feeling for me and I couldn't see it at first through my pain. Eventually I had to reach out to let her in, but only because she was giving me the priority in her life.

Is your husband getting the priority now? Do you go out of your way to make time for him, telling others 'hey, I can't do such and such today. It's husband time'? If not, please start. It will speed recovery tremendously.

Ibrokehisheart posted 6/4/2013 06:47 AM

I see your point because about making him the priorty. I have put him on the back burner most of our marriage do to some issues from my past. I know that it was completely unfair to him. But we have battled back and forward with this because my BH would but his game system before me. I would let him know how I was feeling but he would say I was just nagging.

He is well aware that he is number one after God. Yes, I can never put any and before him. I do not do anything without worrying about how he will be affected. But, I have two children that also need me because doesn't worry about their needs and he has admitted that it is about him and no one else. If we are going to survive this we do have to worry about each other and our family.

It's crazy to wake up to your response because we were discussing this last night. My problem is he keeps telling me that he may need to leave for a while to clear his head and see what he wants. He gets mad because I tell him I understand and if this what he needs I will respect his decision. I just don't know.

hatefulnow posted 6/4/2013 11:09 AM

It's good you seem to be 'getting it'. I don't mean to say put your H first and ignore all of your obligations. You service and devotion to God is important as is your responsibility to your kids. But remember, God commands us to love our wives and reverence our husbands. We're also commanded to repect our children so that they're not discouraged. Just make sure you go out of your way to make time for your H...and make it special.

There is a guy on here named Sal1995, a BH, who wrote an excellent post titled 'to my WW - I'm sorry'. Read and re-read this post. It'll really give you a good insight into your BH feelings.

Keep up the good work.

hatefulnow posted 6/4/2013 11:10 AM

That post is in the General section.

Ibrokehisheart posted 6/4/2013 13:21 PM

Thank you that does help. I have thought about a lot of what is said a yes is all of what my BH feels.

Sal1995 posted 6/4/2013 14:30 PM

Thanks hateful now. IBHH, I'm convinced that waywards (my wife and others at least) usually don't realize the enormity of their transgressions until it's too late and they are too deep into the escape and fantasy aspect of an affair to get out easily. Just my unprofessional opinion, but it seems to me that the escapist and fantasy lure of an affair is especially strong after someone has experienced a tragedy or major stress in their life. It's a coping mechanism, but a very destructive one like drugs, alcohol and compulsive gambling. That's why even good people like my wife - and you, I suspect - have affairs.

My wife's affair came less than a year after we discovered that a formerly trusted family friend groped our 11-year old daughter in a swimming pool. She's ok now, and he went to prison, but the pain from that was unbearable for us both at first. Then, it was rugswept on our part - we focused solely on our daughter's healing. But at first it seemed that I grieved more heavily than my wife, and I think she was left vulnerable to an escapist way to cope with her unresolved pain and FOO issues.

Earlier in our marriage, my wife had a missed miscarriage. For those who don't know, it's when the doctor can't find the baby's heartbeat during what you think is a routine OB pregnancy visit. But for whatever reason the body didn't do what it normally does in these situations and expel the fetus. So you have to wait for it to happen (about a month in our case), grieving the loss of the pregnancy the whole time. There were other things - like leaving a community my wife loved to open a professional practice in another city, and the initial financial difficulties of trying to get a practice off the ground. These things wore on my wife. No excuses for what she did, but I'm not going to pretend that she hasn't had more than her fair share of hurt and stress in life.

You've experienced terrible loss and pain in your life, particularly during your marriage. It broke my heart to read it. I'm not shocked that you were vulnerable to something that allowed you what seemed like an escape from a life that seemed to offer up hurt after hurt. But I suspect that now you see that you made a terrible choice that, in the long run, has only added to the pain side of the ledger. Based on this comment -

The OM I had the A with lied to cover his ass and made it look like I did everything.

- I suspect you know by now that the OM prince was really just a frog in disguise. It probably seems like a no-brainer to you now. Heroes don't sleep with other men's wives.

I want my marriage. He still has so much hate in him for me and I completely understand all of it. He keeps asking me what I want and I told him that I want our marriage and have been showing him that I will do anything that fight for it but I feel that he is may be done with it but does know how to let go.

Then, from the perspective of this BH, I'd say the battle is half won already. Just keep on doing the hard work. Go to counseling and work on your coping skills and the enormous pain you've endured in recent years. Your husband will see and appreciate your efforts. And if he doesn't, you'll be a better person regardless.

Wishing you the best.