Out of anger and frustration, I made a decision that would change the course of life as I knew it. My H and I have been together for over 14 years and married for almost 12. We have two boys 9/6 and we have lost two boys as well.
Our marriage has been up down over the years with more lows than highs. All with in the first year of our marriage, our son was born premature and then died 9 months later, the week after celebrate our first anniversary. I don't know how we made it after being at each others throats all the time. Things got a little better after the birth of our second son also born premature but survived. We found out we expecting again a set of twins 6 months after his birth. In June, we lost the first twin and I came very close to dieing during that process. We though everything was going to be ok but in september we lost our third son a month before our second son's first birthday and two /three weeks before my H and my birthday. We pretty much were done with having kids and were told we would need assists with get pregnant after the complications with my last pregnancy.
But it seem my body didnt know that and two months shy of the anniversary of the death of our third child I found myself pregnant again. This pregnancy put alot of stress on our marriage. I was on bedrest from the second week of november until the third week of janurary when I delivered our last son at 31 weeks. I knew he understood that but was frustated because he could not have sex during that time. It was hard just being around each other. Things got better for awhile but then we start to argue all the time. I felt so unapperciated by my H. I made some bad financial decisions that cost us several things. One day, he went to far and choked me in our kitchen just because he wanted me to stop talking. I could believe that he had done that. He said sorry and tried to do everything to make it right. From that day on I saw him in a different light. As time went by I started to re-evaluate how I was feeling about my marriage. I talked to him many times about how unhappy I was with how things were. It always went in one ear and out the other.
We started having car trouble which caused us more stress. We are car pooled and that would have been ok but he left out @ 4:15am everyday and kids had to be dropped at 4:30 I would get to work at 5:30 and I didn't start until 7. This went on for 4 months. The OM offered to help take the wait off the both of us and the kids since he went in later than my H did and my job was online 5 mins from theirs. We had been friends for almost the same time my husband and I have been together. He was also married and had children but not happy in his marriage.
One day(nov 2011)my H and I got into a huge argument, I went to the OM's house because I was comfortable talking to him. I didn't expect anything to happen but he kissed me and one thing led to another and had done the unthinkable. What should have never happen but only been a one time thing lasted six months. I fell hard for the OM. During the A, I asked my H for a separation but I felt bad for him so I didnt leave and didn't stop the A either. The guy I was with gave me everything that I was looking for and more when it came to the sex. Out of the blue one day he texted me and says that his W knew my jaw hit the floor. His W is kin to my H so it was all around bad. He said his W didnt want the information to be out there so she was not going to say anything. I told him I needed to tell him because it was not fair that he be kept in the dark. When I told him that I had an affair and who it was with he flipped out which I expected. But he was so crushed by what happened he missed work and wouldnt eat.
The OM I had the A with lied to cover his ass and made it look like I did everything. I was beyond pissed so I laid it all out there about what happened between us guarding my H for some details that didnt need to be told bc it would have damaged him. The OM and W started telling my H a bunch of stuff that was not true and he didnt know what to believe. He made a choice to stop listening to them. During all of this my H lost his job and we lost our home. I didnt contact the OM in anyway after it came out.
In Sept, the OM sends me an email saying he was sorry for how he handled everything and admitted that he had not told the truth about everything. I started not to respond but I never got to comfront him so use that opportunity to do it. He sent another updating me on his kids because our children were so close I responded and he sent another telling he was leaving his wife. I didnt respond.
The stuff hit the fan when my H went through my phone and saw the email. He was beyond mad with good reason bc I should not have been talking to him but I was so hurt by him going through my phone I felt so violated. He spoke with the OM for the first time in months and asked him not to contact me anymore if we were going to have a chance to rebuid our marriage. There has been no more contact but my H last month broken into my facebook and email accounts and found an old email that I didnt know was there and went off again. I told him that he was wrong because I dont go through his stuff and I wasnt hiding anything if he had asked I would have let him see the accounts.
Right now there is a small amount of trust between us. We had problems before the A. I miss the sex from my A but I not take any chance on messing things up with my H. He asked me to install a GPS on my cell and i did it just so he could see where I was the problem is that it is not always right and has me somewhere else and causes trouble. He would always make comments about my A or throw it back at me whenever he could that has calmed down some now.
In Nov, the OM contacted me because he wanted to reconnect with my H. I'm so going out of my mind I told him that my H just forgave me for all that happened and whatever he had to say I hope he didn't destroy it. He said it was nothing to do with me just wanted to make things right between them. I called my H to tell him what happened so I was not hiding anything and to ask if I could give him the number to contact him. He said yes so I did and I forwarded the messages to my H so that he knew what was said. He thanked me for doing so and being honest. He asked what I was scared of I told him had nothing else that he didn't already know but I had no idea what the OM would tell him so yes I was scared. I told him that I loved him more than I ever had which is true and losing him would hurt to the core. I also asked if he would search for more info he said he did not know. This lead me to believe that it is possible that he hadn't forgiven me. I didn't know what to think or do at that point.
We have moved into our new place and I have feeling things may get worse for us but I'm hoping for the best. I feel so bad for the hell that my H is going through after what I did to him. I thought that we where doing better in our marriage but we are having some set backs. We recently moved from our home which is a good thing because there were to many bad memories. We though that this move would be good for us but all we have done is argue since we have been here. I am holding hope that we will be able to make it through this ordeal but I am more unsure now than an thing. He said he forgave me and even went as far as to say he wanted to want to renew our vows but I got upset about him yelling at me about every small thing that now he doesn't know if he wants to stay with he. I want to stay with him and I love him but I can not keep doing the back and forward with him.
I know that this is all my fault but if he wants to work on this marriage then he has to do so. I want my marriage. He still has so much hate in him for me and I completely understand all of it. He keeps asking me what I want and I told him that I want our marriage and have been showing him that I will do anything that fight for it but I feel that he is may be done with it but does know how to let go. After the argument 2 months ago, I am not sure were my marriage stands. He asks me questions that only can answer and tells me that he doesn't like the answer he get because it means a life apart. We sat down and had a long talk this week about our marriage. Things are still in limbo because he told me that everything I am working so hard to make better may not be enough. He was cold about it he was for once really letting me inside. I will keep work on myself and us to see where we go from here.
[This message edited by Ibrokehisheart at 2:27 PM, January 18th (Friday)]